Mothers Day Lament

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by auntalva, May 14, 2009.

  1. auntalva

    auntalva Adoptive Single Mom of 2

    Everything looks gray.
    Ten days I have been ill.
    My children did not honor me on Mothers Day.

    Once I sang in a chorus.
    That is over for three months.
    I had my Girl Scout troop.
    The last meeting is next week.

    Yesterday he and his wife visited us.
    They were so free, so relaxed.
    Had just come from a cruise to the Bahamas.
    That is right, for people our age.
    Sit back, enjoy what life remains.

    But I, stupid woman.
    After a lifetime of work.
    But also the pride of professionalism,
    The fun of travel and exploration.

    Wanted love.

    So I gave it.
    Two children, castaways, orphans of humans still alive
    Who could or would not care for them.
    They gave me joy,
    A purpose.

    I shared my home, my life, my heart.
    Sweet and treasured love I got.
    Love a mother knows.
    That annual holiday that came in May
    used to leave me wistful,
    Or wishful.

    Now it had meaning.
    So many cards,
    Silly drawings in crayon.
    Oddly fashioned ceramic thingies
    You pretend are beautiful
    Because she made them.
    So much laughter then,
    So much caring,
    You could see it in their eyes.

    Now they just want the car keys.
    They want their friends.
    Can’t stand Mom.
    Argue, fight, sulk and insult.
    I am an unnecessary obstacle to their desires.
    Even all their friends hate me.

    Mothers Day is now a day to
    NOT make a cake,
    NOT design a card,
    Say nothing at all.

    Or, if she recites some verse like
    “The Love You Bring,”
    Do not commit it to paper,
    She lets the softly spoken words waft across
    The space between us
    Disappearing,
    As if there were no certainty, no proof
    Those feelings really existed.
    Even though
    I asked
    For a copy.

    And so tonight a name from long ago
    Is spoken on the phone,
    Inviting me to the 40-year reunion.
    Sigh.
    I will not go,
    Nothing to show but empty arms.

    Not even a card.
     
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Don't let it get to you. This is a stage. Not all kids will go through this but it really hurts when they do.

    I had several years when the kids didn't remember it was Mothers Day, did not remember my birthday, and I was not going to remind them either. A day remembered only because someone else has nagged you, is a day not valued anyway.

    This year was the first that I can recall, where all my kids, all apart, made contact and wished me a happy Mother's Day. easy child was always the one most likely to remember (and she missed it for a few years) but this year I was resigned to her not making contact as she IS on her honeymoon! But we got an email from her, with Happy Mothers Day written across a lovely photo of an orchid.
    I suspect the boys were reminded, but the thing is - they remembered enough to follow through.

    No gifts though. Frankly, I prefer no gifts on Mothers Day because the local school had a fundraising event to "help" kids buy a gift, and my boys always got ripped off by it, I hated it. It's one thing for teachers to encourage kids in craft to make a card, but quite another to get parents to send in donated gifts, then send in money with the kids so they can buy back what we sent, or buy someone else's resentful contribution. I got some appalling gifts this way, including some used lipstick samples (still labelled "sample only - not for re-sale") in impossibly garish colours. Other horrendous gifts I've heard of - a pack of used teabags. I'm not kidding. I would send notes to the school saying, "We are not participating in the Mothers Day fundraiser, do not send my child to buy a gift, do not give him money to buy one then expect me to reimburse. We do not give gifts in this house, for Mothers Day." And still, I would get something ghastly (such as a bath bomb sold at the local shop for 50c which previous experience told me stained the bathtub green, and which the school charged my kid $5 for).

    You have choices - you could shrug and say nothing and expect more of the same. You could wait, and hope that in years to come you will find a better response (as I have now). Or you could call a family conference AFTER the effect and say, "I don't want anything in retrospect, but your failure to even notice tells me that my role as mother is not respected. That must change because I do a great deal for you all and if you do not value it, then I will be less inclined to go the extra mile for you all. In life you need to learn to appreciate what other people do for you. If you do not, you will find yourself lonely, increasingly isolated and needing to fend for yourselves. Humans are social creatures, we do need one another. If you feel you do not need me, then I will go elsewhere to be needed and appreciated. It is now up to you guys."

    You then make your choice - but whatever choice you make, do NOT buy into any hurt from the behaviour of other people. Choose to let it wash past you and not affect you, then go find someone who will appreciate all you can do. Volunteer somewhere. And if it means you're too busy for your family - good.

    Marg
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I so feel for you, but I ask you not to take it too serioiusly.

    You adopted two older kids who probably still don't know how to love the right way. I never see the boy I adopted at age six, but I know I gave him love and a chance at life. He is successful and that's partly because of me, whether he honors me or not.

    DO enjoy the rest of your life. And hopefully your kids will continue to grow and heal. The kids I adopted at birth and the one I gave birth to are much more attached to me than the son I adopted at six. As hard as I tried (and I gave it my all, just as you obviously did), he does not have the attachment to me that my other kids do. But you're still a mom who made a huge difference in two little lives. (((Hugs))) I know I probably said it all wrong, but I know how you feel. I'm sorry your mommy heart hurts.
     
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