motion denied, doing custody evaluation, was: aaand another court motion!

[miles2go]

so her motion (see the original thread) was denied (the judge was impressed by her disappearing from the kids' life for over a year and counting).

Then, still not paying for supervised visitations, she sprung some money for her half of the custody evaluation, and we are now going through it.

All those times when I was going through the insanity of the split-up, I would send some facts to the lawyer, only to hear that it's best to show it at the custody evaluation. And I am there now and have to find time and energy to marshal all the materials and facts, and to also respond to the thick stack of open-ended questions that the evaluator gave.

Pray I don't lose my focus during this critical stretch.

Me -- single dad, 50
difficult child 10m y.o. bipolar
easy child's 15f, 6m

 

[gcvmom]

I hope you can think back to all the chaotic cr@p she's put your family through and use that to find the strength and energy to soldier on through this next critical stage. Tap into the anger and frustration she created in you, and I'm sure you'll find the fuel to get through this.

 

[miles2go]

Thanks, -- it's been a year and some anger has dissipated of course.But I've been going through old emails and txts -- plenty there to bring to the table, crazy crazy stuff.

 

[susiestar]

Ask your atty to give you a copy of all the stuff you gave him. Also look here on the board for anything you may have posted. Glad the judge did NOT do what she wanted, and I am sure the custody evaluation will go your way.

 

[AnnieO]

I'm beyond thrilled that the judge saw through her koi and did what was right.

The custody evaluation will be draining... But... As Susie said, you're paying your lawyer. And anything you posted here is good for a memory jog. (I should know...)

 

[witzend]

Tap into the anger, but don't show it at the custody evaluation. You're calm, cool, and collected. "It's unfortunate that she chooses to be that way but you are busy doing the day to day parenting and can't really worry about her. Hopefully she will find a way to be more at peace with her parenting role."

 

[miles2go]

oh what anger, folks, I might as well be angry at the difficult child when he melts down. Just trying to protect the kids from the monkey on her back, that's my stance.
Took the Rorschach (inkblot) test last time -- saw lots of Disney stuff -- me: "who's the youngest dwarf?" shrink: "Goofy", me: "ok I see two goofies, with feathers in hair, carrying a basket together".... another 2 hour appointment tomorrow......

 

[Steely]

Sending you tons of strength....

 

[Liahona]

Good luck, I'm sure you can do it.

 

[susiestar]

I am sure you will come through the custody evaluation fine, and she will show her true colors. Just stay calm, focus on the kids, pull up emails you sent to friends/family, do a search on your screen name here to get your posts, and I am sure there will be plenty of info to show that she shouldn't be in their lives with-o strict supervision.

You are a great dad - it may not be easy to see it with all the stress, but you really are.

 

[AnnieO]

Re that anger? You may be rolling your eyes right now, but the anger is there. That she dared hurt the kids. That is all it takes, really. I remember a while back she (at least) hit one of them? I can't remember exactly, but...

I still have moments when O does something where I just sigh and roll my eyes - but underneath it I'm angry that she cannot be a easy child. That simple. I've managed to detach, so it doesn't bother me as much, but it's there. Or when J brings up something bio did... And that hurts... Not because he's thinking of her - that's natural, she was his MOM - but because I know what he's gone through.

 

[DDD]

Had to smile at your "inkblot" test. Years ago I had to take a series of tests (can't remember if it was due to GFGmom or if it had to do with seeking new employment) including that one. I just plain could not "see" identifiable images. Everytime I opened my mouth it was "uh..well..it could be..uh..tree?"

It chapped me off so much that a week or so later I checked out a library book to find out what to heck it was I was suppose "to see" and "why". LOL! Two "Goofy" images are better than seeing two "devils".
Good luck. DDD

 

[miles2go]

Thanks, people. Susiestar -- it's HER emails that are so useful to a psychologist -- plenty of stuff there front row center...
Did the MMPI yesterday, that's always fun: "Top of my head hurts sometimes True/False. People are out to get me True/False. The devil talks to me True/False" My father is a good man True/False".

 

[AnnieO]

Miles, have you noticed the MMPI also rephrases questions over and over again? I especially got a kick out of the "I would do anything for children/husband/parents/friends" type...

 

[miles2go]

yea, Step, that's how one's score on the "lying" scale is calculated.... Got another appointment tomorrow, way behind on my homework....

 

[Liahona]

Good luck. I hope all goes well for you and your kids.

 

[witzend]

I have been through more than my share of custody evaluations. I can say that the most important thing is to maintain a positive outlook in the face of adversity. The strength here is not about what problems she has caused but about how well you have gotten along in spite of them. Life goes on, you're all maintaining your dignity. Never ever show the interviewer that bio-mom has rattled you. Obviously the things that she has done have been stressful, but make sure that they have been in the background of your lives, not the forefront of your lives.

If you want to present evidence of all of the things that she has done that were rotten, here is how you do it and still come out smelling like a rose. Write it down, just as your attorney advised you. Explain that long ago you were told to bring these things up should there ever be an evaluation. Give it to the evaluator, and say that you would be happy to talk about those things now, or in a later meeting, but that the most important thing for you at this time is that he or she knows that the kids are being well looked after, and that your goal of the evaluation is that everyone can make the best of this opportunity to move forward. Then, if they want to talk about adversity, talk about how you overcame it. If there's something you need help with, mention it but don't whine. She'll come off looking so bad, she'll either up her game as a mom - which is a good thing - or walk away because she just can't handle it. Which, if she can't handle it is the right thing to do.

I promise you, though, that belittling her or questioning her character or motives will only make her want to fight you, not get right for the kids. Everyone deserves to prove that they have improved themselves. Maybe she has. If she has, she shouldn't mind jumping through some hoops set up by the court to prove it.

 

[miles2go]

Thanks, witzend. She is still not in communication with the kids or with me and it got to the point where the evaluator is sharing with me examples of her NPD -- threatening to have my mom's (she's a psychiatrist) licence revoked for giving medications to her family ("say what?" was his reaction as well as mine). Plus more.
And yeah, I talk about parenting, challenges, but all seems ok for now.

 

[klmno]

Those tests are very subjective - although they aren't designed to be, the outcome depends on the evaluator's opinion of you. Kind of like a job interview- being strong-willed can be an asset or a hindrance, depending on the person interpreting it. Good luck!

 

[Marguerite]

I remember doing an inkblot test when I was 14, and I commented that one of them looked like an angry Sylvester cat, blowing a raspberry. I then noted the tester write upside down, "Immature - still watches cartoons". I was a KID, for pete's sake! And I STILL watch cartoons!

Rorshach is very subjective. It's a tool, nothing more.

Marg