Move over on the couch, Nancy. We've been played . . .

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Apr 1, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I got a call from the director of the halfway house. It turns out that difficult child lied about everything. I don't even know where to start.

    She told me about a big party at the halfway house where she got caught with pot and drinking. It turned out that the director had been watching her carefully this week after my phone call last week and the events of Tuesday night (more on that later). He caught her alone in her room Friday night and there was an obvious stench of alcohol. He used that breathalizer and she blew a .32. That's when he told her that she had to leave. He later found out from others that she had been drinking all along.

    Now for the worse news . . . she had told me this morning that she had rear-ended someone on Tuesday but didn't do any damage to the other person but the hood on her car got bent. husband questioned on her story and she told him that they didn't even exchange insurance numbers because there was no damage to the truck she had rear-ended.

    Well, the director told me the real story. Remember the heroin addict from a few months ago that difficult child supposedly stopped hanging around with when she found out he was using? Well, he is back in town and difficult child is hanging around with him again. He was driving her car when the accident happened and it was a hit and run. The other person chased them and supposedly rear-ended her car. I dont'see any damage, though.

    So there is a possibility that there could be a warrant for the owner of difficult child's car . . . her. The director read me texts back and forth from difficult child when it happened and he told her to go to the police and tell them what happened. He said she is willing to take the fall for this guy.

    When I walked in the door after talking to the director, I asked difficult child if she wanted to change her story and she immediately fessed up that the guy was driving. When I asked why she hadn't told the police, she said she didn't want him to go to jail because he was a "good person" that has a problem.

    So she has been drinking and doing who knows else during this whole time and is now hanging around with a heroin addict. The director told me that if she keeps hanging around with him it is just a matter of time until she starts using heroin. He said he didn't think she was using it yet. He also said he thinks she needs detox and then another rehab stay and that she was in denial.

    I asked him what we should do and he said to let her fall. He said we needed to stop helping her and coming to her rescue.

    I know that he is right. I told her to find somewhere ASAP and that she is on her own now.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh geesh!

    I'm so sorry Kathy - that must have been hard to hear.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    aww Kathy...


    I am so so so sorry. I am sorry she is at risk...and I am sorry you let your guard down and got bulldozed. I know how much that hurts...just when we let them back in a tiny bit - we get our hearts slammed in the door.

    I am here for you. Anything you need.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, difficult child and I just had quite a talk. It wasn't the usual difficult child blaming everyone else. She was laying in my arms (I was on the bed working on my computer) sobbing. She kept asking why she had to be like this (referring to her mental illness). She said I couldn't understand what goes on inside her head and that she can totally relate to Edie Sedgewick. difficult child has always been fascinated by her and even used her name in her voice mail.

    difficult child said she knew that I hated it but that she could understand Edie because her life was just like difficult child's. She was institutionalized, had mental issues, was a drug addict, and an alcoholic who overdosed at the age of 28. difficult child said she often feels like she is on the same path.

    It was a moment of raw emotion that shook me to my core. difficult child said she feels better when she takes the Lamictal but often forgets to take it. I asked her why she just didn't set a time to take it every day and she answered "because my brain doesn't work that way." She kept asking why did she have to be this way. I told her that it was like if she was a diabetic. She would have to take medications to take care of herself. Her answer was that she would rather be diabetic than crazy.

    difficult child also said that although she is 26 she doesn't feel capable of taking care of herself. I told her that she needed to learn. I guess it was a bid to stay here but honestly I'm not sure that she can take care of herself. Unfortunately, she will have to try because we cannot live with her. Period.
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Oh Kathy, I am very sorry.

    It hurts so much to watch them fall. You are doing the best thing for her yet, it's awful to have to do it.

    We are all here for you....
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Kathy, Wow. We want her to be more Kyra Sedgewick, less Edie. Do you mind if I ask if your difficult child is adopted? Mine is, and he was a easy child till age 13 and then everything fell apart.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Kathy I am so sorry.... honestly do you think our difficult children have a message board they got to help each other con theiri parents?

    It is so hard when you have that raw emotion... I am sure it is real but I bet it is also part manipulation. She wants you to take care of her and she knows how to get to your gut.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, Im so sorry but listen, tell your daughter she CAN learn to take that lamictal or any other medication timely. I did. It is quite easy. You go to bed every night. Everyone does. The minute you put you butt on the bed, pop those pills in your mouth. Thats it. I cannot manage to remember to do pills several times a day. I am not good at that. I do remember most of the time to take my morning pain pill but not always. I keep that bottle next to my bed normally but since Buck has been here I have taken to keeping it in my purse so sometimes I forget. Normally its beside my bed so when I wake up and reach for my diet coke and cigs, I see the bottle so I take the pill along with my first sip of diet coke.

    She can get into the habit of taking her pills at night. I take everything except that morning pain pill at night. My lamictal says to take it twice a day but I cant do that. I do both at night. Hasnt hurt me yet.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I am so sorry. Toughlovin ia probably right that there is some real emotion but that there is also manipulation going on. It has really sounded like she was saying mostly what you wanted to hear for quite a while and trying to maneuver you so that you would let her move back home. And then you did when she got kicked out and had a story about why.

    I am glad you found out the real story even though I know it hurts. No one wants to remember pain like this, but maybe if you look at how many times she has done something similar to this it will help YOU and husband break your side of this cycle.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, my difficult child is not adopted but there is a family history of bipolar and alcholism. husband's brother died from alcohol poisoning alone in his hotel room at the age of 42. He had been diagnosed as bipolar somewhere along the way.
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Wise, wise words...

    and something I need to tattoo in my brain...

    thanks susie.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I know you are trying to let her figure things out herself so if this is out of line, I understand. I use my cell phone to remember everything including Quin's medications. It ends up there are four times a day I have to give him (or have prepared packages for workers) medications.....I really rely on the alarms I set for that. I leave it on seven days per week. I set them up in those pill boxes, one weekly box for each time. It helps so much to have it all set out because I am forgetful.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Kathy I'm really sorry (moving over on the couch to make room for Kathy). I have been at easy child's helping with school work all day and just got home and read this. Your heart must have sunk when the driector told you what's been going on. Her story sounds so much like what my difficult child did, down to the car crash and fleeing. Even if they aren't drinking at the moment their drinking/drugs causes them to have no concept of right or wrong. I would like to think that if my difficult child hit a car and she was living sober that she would do the right thing, but then maybe she wouldn't. Obviously your difficult child has been slipping for quite a while now. It is so like my difficult child, things start to go well for them and they self sabotage.

    I would be a little concerned that there may be some manipulation going on here. I think, and I may be wrong, if she had a place to go like her own apartment, you would never know about the relapse until something happened, like with us. But since she has nowhere to go she has to tell you what you want to hear. I hope I'm wrong and she really wants help, I just don't know where that help is going to come from for our difficult child's.

    The one good thing is that she is not in denial, at least she isn't telling you that she can drink and smoke in moderation like my difficult child is.

  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buddy, I had the same thought and suggested that to difficult child.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Kathy. Perhaps it's both, real raw emotion and regret and fear and manipulation attempting to get you to take care of her. There is so much mental illness in my family that I have empathy for your difficult child and her feelings about not wanting to be the way she is. Mental illness has taken most of my bio family away, bit by bit, it is pretty devastating. And, I know none of them want to be the way they are, would trade it if they could. At the VERY same time, I read over and over the heartache and suffering WE, as parents, go through with our difficult child's. I don't know if there is ever any easy answer to any of it, simply to evaluate each issue and trust ourselves to follow our instincts, each and every time.

    "It was a moment of raw emotion that shook me to my core."

    Kathy, that statement brought me back to the moment when my adult daughter broke down after being released from jail and fell apart in my home. This time it seemed very, very real and even though I had fallen for many crocodile tears over the years, I had an instinct that I really needed to listen to her. I did. You know, that was the beginning of a different connection. I think I began to really see her, with all her issues and problems, but see her, not as I wanted her to be, but for who she is.

    I don't know, I hear what the other parents are saying, it all makes sense, and truthfully, all of you know these particular issues better then I do, so filter my words through your own experience, and go with your gut. For me? There came that moment, where we both were being really honest, where the truth was told and honestly, that was when much began to shift.

    You are clear that you cannot live with your difficult child, and that is very good, perhaps other alternatives will surface that will work for both of you. I like buddy's cell phone alarm as an option for remembering when to take her medications. What's wonderful is that you can put your issues in words and others will offer many options from their own experience and you can take a little from here and a lot from there or nothing at all, but you have options. And, for us, that is as good as it gets sometimes. Hugs to you. Prayers that the perfect solution shows up for all of you.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I care deeply, Kathy. Just don't have any wisdom to offer this morning. Rest assured I am thinking of you and yours. Hugs DDD
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is what I was trying to say. I think I saw how much she was struggling with the mental illness for the first time. In the past, I just saw the substance abuser and felt like she was doing this to us. This time, I truly felt like I saw why she kept turning to substance abuse . . . how tortured she was inside.

    It was different. She wasn't denying that she had a substance abuse problem and she was genuinely scared. Not that it solves the problem and not that it makes a difference about her living here. I just understand it a little more now.

  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear you Kathy. husband and I have often said that difficult child is tortured in hr mind. We knew long ago that she was dealing with issues that she was born with and the drugs and alcohol came long after those issues were firmly entrenched. She really had very little chance and naive as we were we thought environment would change that. It was just recently that I began to understand that difficult child was not doing this to us, she was doing it to herself. It was the thing that finally caused me to be able to step back from the situation and detach from her. I can now go through the day without the awful pit in my stomach like I have to fix her and I can allow her to just be. That may very well mean she is going to end up in jail or die but it's no longer about me and if she loved me she would stop and since she doesn't stop look how she is hurting me.

    I had one of those raw emotions events when difficult child was in the treatment center and she cried, really cried, for the first time in her life. I wish I could have bottled that moment up and pulled it out whenever difficult child needed it but I couldn't.

    I wish I knew what would help our difficult child's. I am trying to get to that place in my life where I am at peace with whatever happens but boy is it tough.

    I hope this week brings some answers or at least some possible options for your difficult child.

  19. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    ((((((HUGS))))) Just sending hugs to you, Kathy. I'm so very sorry...
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    My son broke down and it was gut wrenching. I held him as he sobbed & told h how unhappy he was. How he couldn't sleep, how he knows he is depressed, how he feels trapped in his college town by his girlfriend, how he hates it there but also feels he has nowhere else to go. H still says it was the ONLY time he actually saw "our boy" behind the difficult child mask.

    I still think about it & tear up.

    In the end, it didn't matter because he is unwilling to change. He'd rather have that miserable but familiar life than to break away. Somehow he finds safety in the misery he knows and it's preferable to the fear of a new path.

    I wish we could nurture that little flame ...