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Substance Abuse
Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken
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<blockquote data-quote="NumbAndLost" data-source="post: 748701" data-attributes="member: 23840"><p>Mom1967, my heart breaks for the pain you're feeling and the guilt that somehow always creeps back into sabotage our strength. As I read about your son's outburst of anger and physical abuse, it was a PTSD moment for me and I immediately felt my story of putting my son out of our home, his reaction and lack of any progress since might somehow help. Although all our background stories are slightly varied, they are identical in the most profound ways - as parents, our unconditional love and gut-wrenching sense of responsibility for our child's success is ironclad and as young adults, our child's analysis that all his or her problems with life are to be blamed on someone/anyone else but them is astounding. Both are unhealthy beliefs that have become par-for-the-course. I have been an unaware enabler for 20 years. It all started so innocently with the normal aches and pains of raising a son with learning disabilities and self-confidence issues. Years and years went by and I kept thinking that's what I was doing, what I was supposed to do as a good parent. I hoped each problem I solved for him would be the last and he'd finally launch into a healthy young adult. I didn't truly face that we were shoveling you-know-what against the tide and losing ground until he was well into his 20s and a full-fledged alcoholic. The next ten years had more pain and agony for myself and family than I can speak about. You all know the script. Then 3 years ago for the final time, after more broken rules, ultimatums and threats, I kicked him out. He was shocked that I meant it and said we'd never see him again. A month later he showed up at my office, threatening me, insisting on help, refusing to leave, talking crazy - behavour I'd never experienced from him. I was shaking and actually afraid of him. He finally left but showed up again at the end of my work day, tried to control me, insisting I go with him to talk. I instinctively knew I could be in danger. My thought was "OMG, I'm his mother and he's so desperate right now he might actually hurt me". I was scared straight in a nanosecond. I got a restraining order that same night, shaking like a leaf 1) because I have never been so afraid of anything before that in my life and 2) that I had gone to the police to report "my little boy". That was three long years ago. After being kicked out of two homeless shelters the first year, he's been homeless in the streets for two years. He's made no progress, is angry at the world and still puts blame for his situation squarely on me and his father. We just found out Friday he's spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation earlier this month. The outcome was he can manage his issues with outpatient help, which he'll never do. I assume he's back on the street. My husband calls often to offer help, his calls are never returned. Mom67, you must work on seeing your son's situation clearly for what it is and keep you health and safety in mind. We will always love our children but it is beyond our ability to to fix them. What we have to fix is our heartbreak. My solice is right here, tonight it was writing to you. Be strong, be well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="NumbAndLost, post: 748701, member: 23840"] Mom1967, my heart breaks for the pain you're feeling and the guilt that somehow always creeps back into sabotage our strength. As I read about your son's outburst of anger and physical abuse, it was a PTSD moment for me and I immediately felt my story of putting my son out of our home, his reaction and lack of any progress since might somehow help. Although all our background stories are slightly varied, they are identical in the most profound ways - as parents, our unconditional love and gut-wrenching sense of responsibility for our child's success is ironclad and as young adults, our child's analysis that all his or her problems with life are to be blamed on someone/anyone else but them is astounding. Both are unhealthy beliefs that have become par-for-the-course. I have been an unaware enabler for 20 years. It all started so innocently with the normal aches and pains of raising a son with learning disabilities and self-confidence issues. Years and years went by and I kept thinking that's what I was doing, what I was supposed to do as a good parent. I hoped each problem I solved for him would be the last and he'd finally launch into a healthy young adult. I didn't truly face that we were shoveling you-know-what against the tide and losing ground until he was well into his 20s and a full-fledged alcoholic. The next ten years had more pain and agony for myself and family than I can speak about. You all know the script. Then 3 years ago for the final time, after more broken rules, ultimatums and threats, I kicked him out. He was shocked that I meant it and said we'd never see him again. A month later he showed up at my office, threatening me, insisting on help, refusing to leave, talking crazy - behavour I'd never experienced from him. I was shaking and actually afraid of him. He finally left but showed up again at the end of my work day, tried to control me, insisting I go with him to talk. I instinctively knew I could be in danger. My thought was "OMG, I'm his mother and he's so desperate right now he might actually hurt me". I was scared straight in a nanosecond. I got a restraining order that same night, shaking like a leaf 1) because I have never been so afraid of anything before that in my life and 2) that I had gone to the police to report "my little boy". That was three long years ago. After being kicked out of two homeless shelters the first year, he's been homeless in the streets for two years. He's made no progress, is angry at the world and still puts blame for his situation squarely on me and his father. We just found out Friday he's spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation earlier this month. The outcome was he can manage his issues with outpatient help, which he'll never do. I assume he's back on the street. My husband calls often to offer help, his calls are never returned. Mom67, you must work on seeing your son's situation clearly for what it is and keep you health and safety in mind. We will always love our children but it is beyond our ability to to fix them. What we have to fix is our heartbreak. My solice is right here, tonight it was writing to you. Be strong, be well. [/QUOTE]
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Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken
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