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Moving Beyond The Explosive Child
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 162809" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>SRL,</p><p> </p><p>First off, gosh I admire your insight and thoughtfulness. Even with thank you not here, I still find myself more often than not parenting by reflex with him (i.e. putting out fires). While I try to do things and put forth expectations in a reasoned manner, very rarely do I actually get to follow through on any of it - his defiance and my exhaustion both play into that.</p><p> </p><p>I don't have a whole lot of experience in increasing expectations, being a horrible delegator! But I'm wondering if rather than presenting it in terms of "chores", perhaps as lifeskills might be the way to go. It's not just learning how to get the garbage out to the cans without spilling it from here to Timbuktu, but it's also about the awareness that garbage needs to go, daily. It's practice. Or cleaning room - because it's just one of those lifeskills that we all need to have and be in the habit of doing regularly. It's beginning the move from child to independent adult, not because *you* say so but because this is what all teens need to/should be doing. </p><p> </p><p>I do know with Wee, I'm probably more lenient when it comes to consequences because he is very easily tipped over into depression when I lower the boom. It's a balancing act with him. Grades, for example. I expect straight A's - he's perfectly capable if he would do the work. This year we started to back off a bit and it wasn't pretty. Initial consequence was he didn't get reward (item of their choice for straight A's). By progress report this last quarter, we were forced to apply more negative consequences (loss of internet and video games during the week, a *huge* deal to him). To top it off, the kid lied to me not once but 3 times in one evening about homework (#1 in basket A with non-difficult children in my house), so he lost his precious electronics for 2 weekends. Hopefully he got the message.</p><p> </p><p>But we also really emphasize why grades are so important now (to get into private HS), and why the grades will be so important in HS (to get into good college, preferrably with full-ride scholarship!!!), and why a good college is so important (so he can get a job that he wants and live the kind of life that he dreams of). It's all interconnected and while we're applying consequences here, we always try to keep the big picture in front of him - how it's not just us being "mean" and expecting him to be "perfect" but it's doing your best to prepare for the wonderful life he has waiting for him.</p><p> </p><p>So I guess in my long-winded way, what it boils down to is while you're increasing expectations at home, it really isn't about you or home in the long run. It's continuing his global education about how to live cooperatively in a community and take care of himself and those he cares about. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this makes sense - half cup of coffee on a early Sat, LOL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 162809, member: 8"] SRL, First off, gosh I admire your insight and thoughtfulness. Even with thank you not here, I still find myself more often than not parenting by reflex with him (i.e. putting out fires). While I try to do things and put forth expectations in a reasoned manner, very rarely do I actually get to follow through on any of it - his defiance and my exhaustion both play into that. I don't have a whole lot of experience in increasing expectations, being a horrible delegator! But I'm wondering if rather than presenting it in terms of "chores", perhaps as lifeskills might be the way to go. It's not just learning how to get the garbage out to the cans without spilling it from here to Timbuktu, but it's also about the awareness that garbage needs to go, daily. It's practice. Or cleaning room - because it's just one of those lifeskills that we all need to have and be in the habit of doing regularly. It's beginning the move from child to independent adult, not because *you* say so but because this is what all teens need to/should be doing. I do know with Wee, I'm probably more lenient when it comes to consequences because he is very easily tipped over into depression when I lower the boom. It's a balancing act with him. Grades, for example. I expect straight A's - he's perfectly capable if he would do the work. This year we started to back off a bit and it wasn't pretty. Initial consequence was he didn't get reward (item of their choice for straight A's). By progress report this last quarter, we were forced to apply more negative consequences (loss of internet and video games during the week, a *huge* deal to him). To top it off, the kid lied to me not once but 3 times in one evening about homework (#1 in basket A with non-difficult children in my house), so he lost his precious electronics for 2 weekends. Hopefully he got the message. But we also really emphasize why grades are so important now (to get into private HS), and why the grades will be so important in HS (to get into good college, preferrably with full-ride scholarship!!!), and why a good college is so important (so he can get a job that he wants and live the kind of life that he dreams of). It's all interconnected and while we're applying consequences here, we always try to keep the big picture in front of him - how it's not just us being "mean" and expecting him to be "perfect" but it's doing your best to prepare for the wonderful life he has waiting for him. So I guess in my long-winded way, what it boils down to is while you're increasing expectations at home, it really isn't about you or home in the long run. It's continuing his global education about how to live cooperatively in a community and take care of himself and those he cares about. Hope this makes sense - half cup of coffee on a early Sat, LOL. [/QUOTE]
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