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Moving Beyond The Explosive Child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 162820" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I haven't consciously thought about this in any detail, but we seem to have (at least in some areas) been moving beyond the earlier need to be super-cautious about keeping difficult child 3 from getting upset; he has learned a lot more self-control especially when dealing with people who don't take TEC on board (such as mother in law).</p><p></p><p>But in other areas, he still needs to be handled with kid gloves. What has happened in our relationship with him (and the other kids) - we tend to be less authoritative for its own sake, and more communicative/respectful in general, providing we also get shown respect. Remember, this is after using TEC for some time and having worked the other way for long enough for him to learn that this is how you show respect. </p><p></p><p>Now we're coming back the other way at times, and when he 'forgets' or is a bit upset and getting 'mouthy', I will sometimes chide him for it. Again, I'm also assessing his mood and mind-set, so I'm not just diving in blindly. If I think he has simply been thoughtless or hasty, I have no qualms about gently reminding him about his manners. These days I don't have to be all that gentle, as long as I'm clearly not belittling him for his forgetting.</p><p></p><p>I do a lot of this instinctively. I now correct him where I feel it's needed or feel he can take it.</p><p></p><p>But I'm still using TEC in all this. It's just that he's made so much progress, that a great deal more is now Basket B. And when you think about it, a kid who can cope with a loaded Basket B and no longer melts down as easily, is increasingly resembling a easy child. </p><p></p><p>Remember - Basket B is where we will work on those behaviours but not to the point of provoking a meltdown. The thing is, I've got handling difficult child 3 down much finer now and we rarely provoke meltdowns these days, which gives me the room to push him harder to get results.</p><p></p><p>Things have had to permanently change in some areas - we can never go back to the authoritative parent/submissive child. We have to maintain collaboration, equality and mutual respect. It is still very difficult to instill understanding that the older generation is to be listened to and wisdom valued more, purely because we are older and more experienced. For difficult child 3, we are all equal and should be heard equally. Unfortunately, society is not as equal as all that. </p><p></p><p>So the next major lesson he has to learn - in some areas, in some situations, some people should be listened to and paid more attention than others purely because they are more qualified. This means that when he needs to know how to use a lathe, for example, he needs to understand that some people are better equipped to instruct him than others, and therefore should be respected MORE on the topic. For example, he should pay more attention to his father than to his 9 year old friend, when it comes to understanding how to use a lathe.</p><p></p><p>Anything that he either doesn't understand, or can't grasp, or refuses to consider - we need to work on that. But we cannot try to use our own force of will to get him to comply - not that we ever could. All we can do is discuss, explain, hope he sees us as more expert in this area and therefore take our point of view on board maybe a little more than he would have otherwise.</p><p></p><p>Again, we have to also consider how best to 'sell' to him the ideas we need. If we're talking about grades, we need to keep in mind that under TEC rules, he is no longer to be considered an item to be moulded to our will. It never worked that way, so why should we try that now? What we have always had to do - try to help him understand so he himself can choose the path to take.</p><p></p><p>With grades - we ask what his ambitions in life are. We form a list of possibilities and always make it clear that the list is not set in stone. Then we work through the list and discuss how these goals could be achieved. We have to make sure it seems sufficiently possible and realistic to him. </p><p>For example, difficult child 1 originally wanted to get into university and study animal behaviour. I would have loved him to do this as well. But his graduation marks were just not high enough, plus he has to work much harder than other students, just to write an essay.</p><p>To get into uni, there are other pathways (evening college to build alternative qualifications and then springboard into uni as an advanced student) but partway through this process difficult child 1 made his own decision - this was not going to work. I was resistant but finally had to accept that he was entitled to make his own life choices.</p><p></p><p>So now difficult child 1 has decided to try for an apprenticeship in carpentry. It's not what I would have chosen for him, but at least he's working towards something and the amount he's doing now indicates that he enjoys it, and his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) means he's fastidious about accuracy and workmanship. Further down the track there may well be aspects to the career path that can also make good use of his intellect.</p><p>He is finding his own way.</p><p></p><p>All we can do - equip them with a realistic and positive sense of self, plus a good work ethic. This cannot be imposed form outside, but must be something they adopt for their own reasons. If we have a good working relationship with our kids (thanks to TEC) then we have a BETTER chance of helping them learn to self-motivate.</p><p></p><p>TEC puts us back in touch with our kids in a more collaborative relationship. But collaboration takes us permanently out of the driving seat. However, when we are talking about the entire life span of the individual, at some stage they need to have the capability and confidence to make their own decisions. All we can do is use the collaboration to ensure those decisions, even if they are not what we would ideally want, are at least wise decisions.</p><p></p><p>If, after all your discussion, information and consideration your child consciously chooses to NOT put good grades high on his priority list, then you need to step back and accept this. Not easy. If your child is putting things high on his priorities that are not constructive at all (such as highest priority on drug-taking, sleeping and avoiding work) then you have deeper problems and TEC has not been able to do its full job because of these. Time to call in the cavalry.</p><p></p><p>But think carefully. Ask him. What are his true priorities? Has he decided that rather than a college career, he just wants to get out and get a job, any job, and maybe make bigger decisions in a few years' time? For a difficult child, this may actually be a wise decision.</p><p></p><p>Have faith in what you have achieved in your child and listen to what his goals now are. You may have done a better job than you think.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 162820, member: 1991"] I haven't consciously thought about this in any detail, but we seem to have (at least in some areas) been moving beyond the earlier need to be super-cautious about keeping difficult child 3 from getting upset; he has learned a lot more self-control especially when dealing with people who don't take TEC on board (such as mother in law). But in other areas, he still needs to be handled with kid gloves. What has happened in our relationship with him (and the other kids) - we tend to be less authoritative for its own sake, and more communicative/respectful in general, providing we also get shown respect. Remember, this is after using TEC for some time and having worked the other way for long enough for him to learn that this is how you show respect. Now we're coming back the other way at times, and when he 'forgets' or is a bit upset and getting 'mouthy', I will sometimes chide him for it. Again, I'm also assessing his mood and mind-set, so I'm not just diving in blindly. If I think he has simply been thoughtless or hasty, I have no qualms about gently reminding him about his manners. These days I don't have to be all that gentle, as long as I'm clearly not belittling him for his forgetting. I do a lot of this instinctively. I now correct him where I feel it's needed or feel he can take it. But I'm still using TEC in all this. It's just that he's made so much progress, that a great deal more is now Basket B. And when you think about it, a kid who can cope with a loaded Basket B and no longer melts down as easily, is increasingly resembling a easy child. Remember - Basket B is where we will work on those behaviours but not to the point of provoking a meltdown. The thing is, I've got handling difficult child 3 down much finer now and we rarely provoke meltdowns these days, which gives me the room to push him harder to get results. Things have had to permanently change in some areas - we can never go back to the authoritative parent/submissive child. We have to maintain collaboration, equality and mutual respect. It is still very difficult to instill understanding that the older generation is to be listened to and wisdom valued more, purely because we are older and more experienced. For difficult child 3, we are all equal and should be heard equally. Unfortunately, society is not as equal as all that. So the next major lesson he has to learn - in some areas, in some situations, some people should be listened to and paid more attention than others purely because they are more qualified. This means that when he needs to know how to use a lathe, for example, he needs to understand that some people are better equipped to instruct him than others, and therefore should be respected MORE on the topic. For example, he should pay more attention to his father than to his 9 year old friend, when it comes to understanding how to use a lathe. Anything that he either doesn't understand, or can't grasp, or refuses to consider - we need to work on that. But we cannot try to use our own force of will to get him to comply - not that we ever could. All we can do is discuss, explain, hope he sees us as more expert in this area and therefore take our point of view on board maybe a little more than he would have otherwise. Again, we have to also consider how best to 'sell' to him the ideas we need. If we're talking about grades, we need to keep in mind that under TEC rules, he is no longer to be considered an item to be moulded to our will. It never worked that way, so why should we try that now? What we have always had to do - try to help him understand so he himself can choose the path to take. With grades - we ask what his ambitions in life are. We form a list of possibilities and always make it clear that the list is not set in stone. Then we work through the list and discuss how these goals could be achieved. We have to make sure it seems sufficiently possible and realistic to him. For example, difficult child 1 originally wanted to get into university and study animal behaviour. I would have loved him to do this as well. But his graduation marks were just not high enough, plus he has to work much harder than other students, just to write an essay. To get into uni, there are other pathways (evening college to build alternative qualifications and then springboard into uni as an advanced student) but partway through this process difficult child 1 made his own decision - this was not going to work. I was resistant but finally had to accept that he was entitled to make his own life choices. So now difficult child 1 has decided to try for an apprenticeship in carpentry. It's not what I would have chosen for him, but at least he's working towards something and the amount he's doing now indicates that he enjoys it, and his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) means he's fastidious about accuracy and workmanship. Further down the track there may well be aspects to the career path that can also make good use of his intellect. He is finding his own way. All we can do - equip them with a realistic and positive sense of self, plus a good work ethic. This cannot be imposed form outside, but must be something they adopt for their own reasons. If we have a good working relationship with our kids (thanks to TEC) then we have a BETTER chance of helping them learn to self-motivate. TEC puts us back in touch with our kids in a more collaborative relationship. But collaboration takes us permanently out of the driving seat. However, when we are talking about the entire life span of the individual, at some stage they need to have the capability and confidence to make their own decisions. All we can do is use the collaboration to ensure those decisions, even if they are not what we would ideally want, are at least wise decisions. If, after all your discussion, information and consideration your child consciously chooses to NOT put good grades high on his priority list, then you need to step back and accept this. Not easy. If your child is putting things high on his priorities that are not constructive at all (such as highest priority on drug-taking, sleeping and avoiding work) then you have deeper problems and TEC has not been able to do its full job because of these. Time to call in the cavalry. But think carefully. Ask him. What are his true priorities? Has he decided that rather than a college career, he just wants to get out and get a job, any job, and maybe make bigger decisions in a few years' time? For a difficult child, this may actually be a wise decision. Have faith in what you have achieved in your child and listen to what his goals now are. You may have done a better job than you think. Marg [/QUOTE]
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