Moving from detox to rehab

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Apr 2, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    My son will move from the detox center to rehab today. He has had very limited phone contact while in detox but will get his phone back today. I am so nervous about that! His girlfriend reached out for help due to heroin withdrawal the day after he left, we tried to get her help but then she refused, says she did detox herself and doesn't need help. I think she is still using. She doesn't have the money to pay the rent on their apartment and is having to move out, they were allowing drug dealers to stay at their apartment for drugs and I mean drug dealers that had guns. It's absolutely not safe there and it's actually not even safe for either of them in that town. She's upset that we won't pay the rent or help her get another place, that would just be setting up another drug house so it's not happening. We have all begged her to get help too but she refuses, she can go to her mothers home, she has a place to stay. Anyways my son will talk to her today and she is going to lay a huge guilt trip on him today that he left her to deal with everything and that she is going to be homeless. My son is on my insurance so he had the option of a nice rehab in California, she is on Medicaid and can go to a rehab in our state. I think she thought I would send her to a rehab in California and when she realized I would only help with what her insurance pays she didn't want help. Sending my son is costing a fortune with insurance. I'm not one of those parents who wants to put the blame on someone else for my sons actions but his life has drastically changed and gone down hill since she came in the picture, several of his friends have even told me that she calls all the shots and if he doesn't have dope waiting for her when she gets off work that she spits in his face. He is just as addicted to her as he is drugs and I'm praying for them to be separated. I'm afraid he will want to leave rehab when he talks to her. He will also be trying to get me to help her get a place to live and if I don't then blame me for him leaving.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son will stay if he is ready to truly quit. Sometimes codependents can influence their partners to quit or use, but in the end your son decides what he will do. It certainly is not on your shoulders. If he leaves for girlfriend in my opinion he wasnt going to see this thru anyway. Not yet.

    You did not have to fund this rehab for your son. It is a costly gift because you love him. in my opinion you have no responsibility for this girlfriend. Are you rich enough to pay for two adults to maybe get clean (with no guarantee either will) and to still survive well yourself? Your son is not your boss and when he shouts lies at you, you dont have to own them or even listen to his accusations. Put your phone away. Only use it when YOU need it. Detach with love from your son's disease if it causes abuse against you. You have no responsibility to find a place for this drug addict girlfriend who is probably a negative influence on your son. Clearly, together is bad for both of them. And dangerous. There is no logic behind it being YOUR fault if he leaves rehab because you didnt find her a place to live. Its an excuse and a bizzare way to make you feel bad. It's the illness talking. Reject it. Dont listen.

    Most of all, our adult kids need us to love them enough to let them live and learn. in my opinion girlfriend is your sons problem. in my opinion dont talk to her anymore and in my opinion tell son to get clean and that is the best way he can help girlfriend because you wont. She needs him clean to really be able to help her. Jmo.

    Lots and lots of luck with son.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 2, 2016
  3. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Thank you, you made me feel better and that's great advice not to talk to her. I'm definitely too wrapped up in it all, I just want my son back. I hadn't thought about the fact that if he leaves for her then he wasn't going to see it through anyways. I've just been trying to prevent anything from messing this up for him. This seems harder now than it was before he went for me, I didn't know about all the illegal dangerous things he was doing until he left for rehab. I've had so much anxiety, it's like a near death experience, he's really blessed to be alive or actually I'm blessed, I'm not sure he cares. I can tell you that I'm done enabling though and that took me one year of counseling to accomplish.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    WorriedSick, I am thinking if your sons rehab is successful, he will not want to go back with this girl, especially if she is using?
    Most things I have read encourage sober addicts to stay away from all friends who use........If he does go back...there is your answer. I hope this is not so.
    I hope he will reflect on the degraded lifestyle they shared and want better.

    I would not speak with the girlfriend either. From what you describe she was using your son as her drug provider. Spitting in his face if he didn't deliver...ugh.

    I hope your son is able to complete his rehab and separate from this girl as well.

    We wish the best for our kids. They have to want it for themselves. It has been a long time coming for my two, and if I continued to spend my life worrying over whether or not they will get clean, I will not have much of a life at all. I figure, by living my life as best I can, I am modeling the possibilities they have.
    Keep the faith WS, whatever happens is really up to your son. You have helped him so much.

    You have value and you matter. Take steps to switch focus on to you.
    I truly believe our kids benefit from knowing that we are taking good care of ourselves.
    (((Hugs)))
    leafy
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Leafie, I agree that if he truly gets clean he will dump the girl. My daughter got rid of all her druggie friends when she got clean. I just meant that right now, at this minute, when he is not yet clean and wants Worried to take of her, it is a comeback Worried can say.

    When users stop, much like drinkers, they find new friends. Most using relationships are largely based on the substance. Thats mainly it.
     
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  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Worried, add me to being worried about him being influenced by the girlfriend. He has just completed detox, hasn't even begun rehab. He is in a very vulnerable place. We had that problem when our daughter went into rehab and was still connected to the boyfriend. As soon as she got out he was back in her life and she relapsed shortly after that. She was young, 19. We called his parents, who we knew from them both being in high school together, and explained that their son was not helping in her recovery. At the time I would have done anything I could to break them up. Eventually they did break up and eventually she stopped using drugs, but continues to drink and that is a problem as far as I'm concerned.

    There isn't much you can do here. He will do what he will do. I am surprised the rehab gives him back his phone this early. I was too invested in my daughter's recovery also, but I couldn't let go at that age. I have finally learned the art of loving detachment. But she is not almost 25 and I can't manage her life anymore.

    This is so hard, it would truly be a miracle if he came out of rehab the first time and never relapsed. This is a process, try to prepare yourself for that. But each time he is a new chance to succeed.
     
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    My son was very influenced by his girlfriend. She knew exactly what to do to set him into a downward spiral. Everyone tried to get him away from her. He thought everyone but the girlfriend was wrong. One day he finally realized we were right and cut her out of his life. Hopefully your son has realized how she influences him and will stay away from her.
     
  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I was right, he messaged me last night 2 long messages that were strictly about her , that he can't do good if he has to worry about her and he doesn't want things to be hard for her. His dad that I'm not married to let her keep my sons car which is in his dad's name, now that we found out about all the illegal activity and she refuses help , he wants to take the car but he's afraid to because she will tell my son and it might make him want to leave rehab. She's telling my son all her problems, that's not love but my son thinks it is. This girl is so manipulative, she comes from a rough background and instead of trying to better herself, she brought my son down to her level. From the first time we met her, she told him that she didn't fit in with his family, that we were too classy for her. We are about the most down to earth people you could ever meet so not sure why she thought that of us. She didn't want to come around us so then my son stayed away.
    I though if he just was in rehab that all of my worries would be gone at least while he was there but I actually have more worries than before. Im going to the doctor Tuesday, I didn't want to take any medication myself but it's come to that, I can't deal with this. Don't worry I'm not going to ask for any addictive drugs.
     
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Addicts associate with addicts, you are not drug users. Also, the fastest way for someone to keep their claws hooked under the skin and take over another persons life, is to isolate them from family. That is the name of that game.
    So, she gets to manipulate the whole family???? I totally would not want a car in my name in the hands of a heroin addict!
    I know you want to do everything you can to keep your son in rehab, but to the detriment of yourselves?
    It is ultimately your sons choice.
    She is manipulating him, and he is manipulating you. Could you forward the text to a counselor at the rehab? Share your concerns? (sorry my two have never been there, so not sure). I would think even though he is an adult in the laws eyes, as his parents, you could share your concerns with them, you are not asking for info, just sharing yours..........
    WS, have you been to a counselor or therapist? Sometimes a face to face with a professional helps.......or even alanon.......
    Please take care of yourself!
    You have value, you matter.
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is on your son. She didnt make him an addict and if he relapses its his fault, not hers or anyone elses. That means he's still into drugs or he wouldn't still be into her. Clean folks, or those who want to be, do not love drug addicts romantically. Dont let him or her bring you down. She is not the reason he is a drug addict or if he leaves treatment. She is a symptom of his addiction. You, in some way, talked him into rehab, but he is not committed to it or he would not try to boss you around or threaten to leave or, in other words, talk and behave and threaten like an addict. Nobody forced him to use drugs at gunpoint. He decided this.

    No matter what you do, he has a drug addict for a girlfriend. This is his decision. He isnt ready to cut ties with the drug world. You cant force it.

    Right now in my opinion you best take care of yourself. Do not talk to your son anymore about her in my opinion. It will just upset you and make you feel unecessary guilt. And cost you money which in the end won't help either of them.

    Its time to stand strong in my opinion. They need to respect us and to see that we are strong people, not their slaves or people to abuse. It is good for them to be unable to manipulate us. This helps them realize they have to stand on their own. With no rescue person, they are less apt to enjoy their drug usage, which leaves them homeless, destitute, and miserable. Rescuing hurts their motivation to recover.

    Sending you good wishes and hope you can do this.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  11. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I am definitely by no means blaming her for my sons drug use, that's on him. Blamed myself for a long time but not my fault I've been a good mother and so that's on him. If it were my car I would definitely be taking it away. His father has been in such denial about his drug use and it was like pulling teeth to get him to participate in our intervention but I knew it wouldn't work without him on board. I think he was in shock when he found everything I was telling him was true. I think his father wants to be the hero in my sons eyes so he's letting her keep the car and trying every way he can to help her. I've known it was drugs for a long time, been seeing a counselor for a year so I'm way ahead of his father on this journey. He's seems to be catching on though. I'm not talking to her anymore and I didn't respond to my sons message. My plan is to message and tell him that I love him and give encouragement but I am not going to engage about her situation. He's suppose to be very busy at rehab so the phone is considered a privilege and they will take it away if it interferes with his recovery. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern, I don't know how I would make it without this group.
     
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  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    :youreright: Good for you WSM!

    Yay. Good for him.
    :staystrong:
    Hang in there, and do something nice for you.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree with Somewhere. My son is in sober living in Florida after detox and rehab and he is only 20 but I am trying to keep him at arm's length EMOTIONALLY. I KNOW I've already said it all, done it all. Nothing I can say or do is going to make HIM be the person I WANT him to be. I tried that for so long and it just depleted every ounce of everything I had and it became my whole life. Now we talk and text but I barely say anything about anything that I would normally say. Small talk. How's the weather??

    Worried, I think men take a lot longer to "get it". I know my husband did.

    Also my husband (his dad) thinks he's "done now". I am not so sure. When he asks me why I'm negative I say that I can't get my heart broken again. I'm afraid.
     
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  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear you!!!!
     
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