Moving from FOO (Family of Origin) to trauma healing: Best book for anyone tramatized, even kids.

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 31, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "You Can't Just Snap Out of It" by J. Douglas Bremner, M.D. Professor of Psychiatry and Radiology in Atlanta GA, researcher and physician

    If you or any loved one was abused in any way, including emotionally to a degree that it interrupts your functioning, this book is the best book ever. It explains how the brain actually changes if there is trauma and how a one time trauma is not as harmful to the brain as continuing trauma and it has many doable and helpful ways to heal.

    It explains sudden anger.

    It explains an inability to find healthy relationships.

    It explains why you re prone to depression, anxiety, sadness, depression

    It explains.

    When I saw my new psychologist who told me I had PTSD (all the signs and symptoms) she told me that this is why I have always had trouble in certain areas in life. Also, PTSD and interestingly the borderline behaviors that my Things believe I have are closely related. The symptoms are similar and they are caused by, most commonly, your abusive parent(s). In my case I know only one affected me and I will have to revisit the traumas, many which I just have nuggets of because I want to get even more better ;) than I already have. A trauma can be forgotten. In my case it is more like they are elusive. I see the contorted face, I hear some of the words, I see my tears, I am a little girl or a young adult. In every dream my mother is in, I am a child again, and she is screaming at me and telling me how "stupid" I am. I'm stuck there at times, I guess. And those pedal pushers and her fattish legs.

    And nobody is there to rescue me as I try to get away, just like in the real world long, long ago. I will have to relive it to dump it. Bummer, but I'd like to dump it once and for all. The later hurts may have been the worst ones of all, but I will do it because I feel better, tons better, already. I know it will help me and nobody can fix this except me.

    Seeing the new psychologist, who specializes in anxiety, borderline, PTSD, and a host of other things, got me to stop thinking about my two siblings lack of validation and focus on myself and how I can get rid of them (right now they aer traumas) that are affecting my life.I am sarting to use all the tools I have thus far learned to destress. What good are tools if you don't use them? Included are deep breathing, imagery, mindful meditation and checking in to make sure my muscle groups are loose. It feels great. Exercising is something I have always done.

    The book also recommends not "No contact" (I think that is a cruel new fad that will die sooner rather than later), but to detach from things that trigger your trauma, whether it's a person or a thing. That MAY include no contact, I guess, but at least it doesn't state the words, as if a person you are suddenly never speaking to again is no longer human to you.

    I hope some of you get the book from Amazon and enjoy it and learn from it. When we talk about our dysfunctional families, we are really discussing our trauma. And some of us have had other traumas as well and all this wears on our brains and health. Medication is also sometimes necessary.

    Anyhow...anyone want to talk about trauma, I'm game. If not, hope you check out the book :)

    Have a peaceful, serene night!!! :)
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thanks, SWOT. Very happy for you and wishing well. You sound great! I will get the book.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your welcome. I'm on a different path now. Life is so

    Yet the new path is due to all the old issues, which are not confined just to home. I had more trauma as well, such a being bullied at school and often at work. I have disabilities and always have that my entire FOO invalidated. A lot of PTSD is about validation or lack of. You wonder if you ARE crazy or whiny or just "looking for attention." That was another big one with E. Yep, that's me. LOOKING FOR ATTENTION. The one who choose to sit in the last seat in school so nobody noticed me. The one who hides in the bathroom at parties, if I can even convince myself I have to go to them. The one who is happiest at home. I"m just an attention whore!!! LOL.

    I have learned there is a difference between acting out when baited and having a personality disorder or being an attention whore. My ex-mother seemed to think I loved to be the center of attention. Not at all. I like to be left alone and always have. I can be very friendly if I know the people and feel safe, but those places have always been few and far etween.

    I was their flesh and blood (I hate those words) but none of them knew me or know. A lot of w hat everyone thinks is what E. told them. But I won't heal if I focus on that. It is what it is. I'm sure nobody but my FOO thought I was an attention seeker.

    The accumulation of everything caused the PTSD.

    I highly recommend using the tools you and I both learned because I had the tools in my head, but wasn't doing them. THAT does a lot of

    The difference between now and when I started this journey a few months ago after my memories were invalidated by my ex-siblings, is that I no longer care. I learned to let them have THEIR memories and to move on because they are both triggers for me. Even my poor dad, who has tried so hard to be kind to me, is a atrigger. Anything related to my FOO is a trigger. Why else did I throw out my childhood baby book and all the pictures? I am not sure what I was thinking when I did, but I know it was long, long ago and when I was really upset with FOO. I don't miss the book.

    I also have lots of hidden memories from school and with certain jobs, but much more my school.

    I have a lot of work to do. I'm sure we will touch base on E. and Thing 1 and 2 again, but there is so much more and I embrace healing.

    I will keep reading your awesome posts and commenting if I feel I have anything helpful fo say! And, of course, there are those nasty relapses...
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2015
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Those are good things to know. I am going to think about those terms. Especially "attention whore". That must be that feeling I call "famous", that obscenity feeling I remember where my mom is concerned. Or maybe, that is the thing my sister does, when she wants all the attention on herself at family ~ whatever a person would call it when my FOO is trying to have dinner together.

    I think you are not an attention whore. You have a vibrancy and an innocence and a good heart and a wide ranging curiosity and a determination to heal.

    That is different than being an attention whore.

    You like it very much when the information you share helps one of us. I think that is not true of attention whores.

    I really like that term, though.


  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Cedar. Well, a lot of people helped me when I came here.
  6. allusedup

    allusedup Member

    I am new and have been surfing this site for a few months now. I take my hat off to all of you...for what you'be been through, for your wisdom, for your support of one another, and for having survived it all with grace.

    About traumas, FOO issues and PTSD. I too, have been walking that road. It all started of course when I was a child. My mother thank God was my rock, but my father was verbally abusive to us kids and both verbally and physically abusive to my mother. I was the oldest of 3 kids, took care of my siblings, cleaned house and cooked. I learned to be co-dependent by the time I was 12. By 19, after begging my mother for years to leave him, telling her I would work to help support us, I couldn't take anymore. I eloped with a guy that was (you guessed it), worse than my father. He was verbally abusive and in the course of our 20 year marriage, called me everything but a white woman many, many times over. I worked 2 full time jobs because he wouldn't work at all. At the end I left because he had started on my son and his rages had escalated to the point that I thought he was going to kill me. Even after the divorce I continued to take care of him until his death 7 years ago.

    So that's trauma # 1 and 2.

    # 3 was my job. I was an ICU and trauma nurse for 25 years. I saw every type of illness and injury known to man ( except Ebola thankfully). Such sad, sad cases. There were some cases that I cried about for months and will never forget. It also made me neurotic, I am afraid of everything. I went through a debilitating 10 year depression and by the grace of God ended last year. I am better mentally than I have been in a long time.
    My healing is an ongoing process day by day.

    My biggest worry now is my son and the effect his father had on him. He is on his second relationship with abusive women. This current one is borderline and a terrible mother to her 3 year old son. (From a previous marriage). She has already cheated on him in my sons house while he was out of town working. I have talked to him until I am blue in the face but of course it does no good. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are amazing.

    This is going to sound a little strange, but it is one of the truest things I know. From Mr. Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Remember that show for kids from all those years ago? That one. He is supposed to have told the kids watching his show that when we see something bad happen, we will see the helpers too, if we look for them.

    And that is true.

    We do see the good people who are not afraid to come, and who are not afraid to help.

    You are one of those people.

    I am glad you are here with us.

    The only thing I know for sure is that together, here in this safe place, we are healing.

    And now, you are here with us, too.



    That's us, working really hard to pull ourselves together again.


    That's us, listening and telling our stories and getting better.


    That's us, crying sometimes because there has been so much pain.


    That's us, sharing and learning; learning to honor what we have lived, and learning to trust and to cherish ourselves, again.


    That's us, welcoming you.


  8. allusedup

    allusedup Member

    Oh, Cedar you made my day! Thank you!