BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Sportsfan is the problem right now. Since Sportsfan is hard to type, I'm going to call him S. He is probably the most dysfunctional and unhappy and selfish and hardest to deal with than all of my other children combined. This includes Sonic who has autism, but has a great nature. I will give you some background then tell you what is going on now. I doubt you have any answers, but am open to any suggestions as to what to say to him. I'm ready to let the phone just ring and ring when he calls. He has lots of mental health issues, does take medications, and implodes under pressure. Well, he's under pressure. His wife asked for a divorce and ever since then my peaceful world has been filled with suicidal threats, constant phone calls, and other unpleasant stuff. He has never been that stable so I'm trying to help, but he is in Missouri and I am in Wisconsin.
S. was a VERY difficult child. He was afraid of everything and had some really strange traits, such as being unwilling to throw anything out. He had no delays; he was gifted, but he would do thinks that made my stomach turn. I remember one day we were at the park and he was on the monkey bars. A little girl was climbing up below him and he deliberately stomped on her hand, smiling when she screamed and cried. Stuff like this happened all the time. He was in therapy early and often. He was not a nice kid. As he got older, he got more not nice. I'm not going to go into the stuff he did (too long), but he had depression problems very early (like I did). He did have a lot of friends, but he was kind of a bully in his crowd. He didn't start fights, but would instigate t hem. His siblings did not and still do not like him very much.
Being bright, he was accepted into college, but he had to drop out. His mental health issues kicked up to the sky. The most disturbing one was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), in which he felt compelled to count every single word that everybody said. He could not listen to the professors in college without counting and his anxiety level blew so high that he quit and wen on Disability for a while. He then started obsessing on his breathing and counted his breaths and was afraid he'd stop breathing. It was constant. He lived with ex by then and was always in ER. Finally, he was put on some good medications, started running each day,and his life came together. He met J. and married her. But he had terrible panic attacks during their marriage in which she had to take care of him. At first she was full of sympathy. As time went on, she got annoyed and started to stop being very sympathetic, and he feels his anxiety killed the marriage. It may have been one facet. It probably was. But he also can be very controlling. she's no peach either. I feel sorry for my grandson, who is already a difficult child.
Anyway, they stayed together for ten years and during those years S. maintained pretty well, calling me once in a while so I could calm him down from a panic attack. His wife didn't know how...she had never had a panic attack. S. was always in therapy and liked his therapist. One time J. (wife) started groaning about being married and started acting single (this was after my grandson was born) and I thought they were going to call it quits then. Although S. was frantic about it, he lived in Chicago, which was much closer to family so he was not alone.
S. didn't want a divorce and he worked very hard with his therapist to be the kind of person he thought Jj. wanted him to be. It was one of his finest moments. He changed a lot for her and we were proud of him. Still, although J. decided to stay...at the time I didn't trust that it would continue. I warned S. that if she could do that once, she could do it again, but he was sure they were going to live happily ever after. I'm not one to meddle in my kid's relationships so, even though I didn't trust their marriage to last, I just let it drop. Plus he'd get angry if I did otherwise...I stayed out of it.
Years passed and S. was working for a company that seemed to be on a downward spiral. He was afraid the company would go under, and somebody in Missouri offered him a really good job. Knowing S., I didn't think it was smart for him to go so far away from everybody in the family, but he insisted that he had to do it if just to prove to himself that he COULD. So he moved. Two years went by and wifey J. got a job where she started making a lot of new friends and again she started staying out all night and the same ole kicked up again. Then she asked for a divorce. It happened really fast. In a matter of about a month, she was out every night again and suddenly telling S. how unhappy the marriage was making her. S. was alone with grandson all the time.
I really feel bad for my grandson. I wish I could rescue him from this mess. However, there is nothing I can do to help him...he is there and I am here and he is not allowed to leave Missouri now per a judge. Neither parent can take him from the other. My son's mental illness has blasted out of the woodwork and every day he calls me to give me a sordid update and a plea for help. It's always doomsday. He can not handle it. He also has no therapist now because where he lives there aren't many, and he also can't go see any of them during the day when he works (and none of them have evening/weekend hours). Or so he tells me. So he has no therapist and he's going through a divorce and he's losing his mind. He threatens to kill himself. Well, he did until I said I was going to call 911. He demands that either me or ex go down to Missouri to stay with him because he needs us so badly. Actually, I believe him. He doesn't have any friends down in Missouri that aren't also J's friends and they were her friends first and more and that means that, really, he has NO friends. He is very shy. I couldn't go to Missouri if I wanted to. I have a husband and two other kids here who still need me.
S. gets so anxious that he can be very abusive to me on the phone. I calmly tell him to call me back when he can be nice and I hang up. I worry about Sweetpea and don't sleep well. I worry that S. will kill himself and don't sleep well. I think about how there is nothing I can do and I don't sleep well.
This is the first time I have been this anxious over a child of mine since Julie took drugs. That was almost ten years ago. I am still in therapy plus I go to a woman's group once a week, but I'm thinking of joining Family's Anon. or Emotions Anon. if they have one around here because I need to get a grip myself. There is no drinking and drugs involved so AA or NA can't help me this time. This is S. in the raw...this is my mentally ill son who I also think probably has some sort of personality disorder.
This is coming at a time when things were pretty peaceful here. Hub and I just passed our 17th happy anniversary. Julie is doing well in Chicago with her job and her relationship. Sonic is getting GREAT services and is the sweetest young adult on earth. Yes, he has a few issues, but they are easy to deal with. Basically he is delightful. Jumper is da bomb. She broke up with J. and is her old self again, happy, outgoing, always with her friends and having fun.
I didn't need and don't want this other stuff that S. is placing on me. Unfortunately, I have mental health issues too and stress out easily. I'm 80% better than I used to be, but THIS is bringing me down. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want Depression and Anxiety back in my life again...not to the degree they used to visit me.
If you read all of this, thank you...lol. You deserve a medal
I guess I don't have any questions because I know what to do, however I don't think I can cut him off completely. Maybe I'll talk to him once a day. I am NOT going to MIssouri. I can't afford to go to Missouri and the rest of my family is here. Now I'm just babbling, but I'm glad there is a place to write this stuff down.
Well, thanks a lot for "listening." I'm going to veg out with hub and watch a movie. I need to take my mind off of this. In the end, there is absolutely nothing I can do.
S. was a VERY difficult child. He was afraid of everything and had some really strange traits, such as being unwilling to throw anything out. He had no delays; he was gifted, but he would do thinks that made my stomach turn. I remember one day we were at the park and he was on the monkey bars. A little girl was climbing up below him and he deliberately stomped on her hand, smiling when she screamed and cried. Stuff like this happened all the time. He was in therapy early and often. He was not a nice kid. As he got older, he got more not nice. I'm not going to go into the stuff he did (too long), but he had depression problems very early (like I did). He did have a lot of friends, but he was kind of a bully in his crowd. He didn't start fights, but would instigate t hem. His siblings did not and still do not like him very much.
Being bright, he was accepted into college, but he had to drop out. His mental health issues kicked up to the sky. The most disturbing one was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), in which he felt compelled to count every single word that everybody said. He could not listen to the professors in college without counting and his anxiety level blew so high that he quit and wen on Disability for a while. He then started obsessing on his breathing and counted his breaths and was afraid he'd stop breathing. It was constant. He lived with ex by then and was always in ER. Finally, he was put on some good medications, started running each day,and his life came together. He met J. and married her. But he had terrible panic attacks during their marriage in which she had to take care of him. At first she was full of sympathy. As time went on, she got annoyed and started to stop being very sympathetic, and he feels his anxiety killed the marriage. It may have been one facet. It probably was. But he also can be very controlling. she's no peach either. I feel sorry for my grandson, who is already a difficult child.
Anyway, they stayed together for ten years and during those years S. maintained pretty well, calling me once in a while so I could calm him down from a panic attack. His wife didn't know how...she had never had a panic attack. S. was always in therapy and liked his therapist. One time J. (wife) started groaning about being married and started acting single (this was after my grandson was born) and I thought they were going to call it quits then. Although S. was frantic about it, he lived in Chicago, which was much closer to family so he was not alone.
S. didn't want a divorce and he worked very hard with his therapist to be the kind of person he thought Jj. wanted him to be. It was one of his finest moments. He changed a lot for her and we were proud of him. Still, although J. decided to stay...at the time I didn't trust that it would continue. I warned S. that if she could do that once, she could do it again, but he was sure they were going to live happily ever after. I'm not one to meddle in my kid's relationships so, even though I didn't trust their marriage to last, I just let it drop. Plus he'd get angry if I did otherwise...I stayed out of it.
Years passed and S. was working for a company that seemed to be on a downward spiral. He was afraid the company would go under, and somebody in Missouri offered him a really good job. Knowing S., I didn't think it was smart for him to go so far away from everybody in the family, but he insisted that he had to do it if just to prove to himself that he COULD. So he moved. Two years went by and wifey J. got a job where she started making a lot of new friends and again she started staying out all night and the same ole kicked up again. Then she asked for a divorce. It happened really fast. In a matter of about a month, she was out every night again and suddenly telling S. how unhappy the marriage was making her. S. was alone with grandson all the time.
I really feel bad for my grandson. I wish I could rescue him from this mess. However, there is nothing I can do to help him...he is there and I am here and he is not allowed to leave Missouri now per a judge. Neither parent can take him from the other. My son's mental illness has blasted out of the woodwork and every day he calls me to give me a sordid update and a plea for help. It's always doomsday. He can not handle it. He also has no therapist now because where he lives there aren't many, and he also can't go see any of them during the day when he works (and none of them have evening/weekend hours). Or so he tells me. So he has no therapist and he's going through a divorce and he's losing his mind. He threatens to kill himself. Well, he did until I said I was going to call 911. He demands that either me or ex go down to Missouri to stay with him because he needs us so badly. Actually, I believe him. He doesn't have any friends down in Missouri that aren't also J's friends and they were her friends first and more and that means that, really, he has NO friends. He is very shy. I couldn't go to Missouri if I wanted to. I have a husband and two other kids here who still need me.
S. gets so anxious that he can be very abusive to me on the phone. I calmly tell him to call me back when he can be nice and I hang up. I worry about Sweetpea and don't sleep well. I worry that S. will kill himself and don't sleep well. I think about how there is nothing I can do and I don't sleep well.
This is the first time I have been this anxious over a child of mine since Julie took drugs. That was almost ten years ago. I am still in therapy plus I go to a woman's group once a week, but I'm thinking of joining Family's Anon. or Emotions Anon. if they have one around here because I need to get a grip myself. There is no drinking and drugs involved so AA or NA can't help me this time. This is S. in the raw...this is my mentally ill son who I also think probably has some sort of personality disorder.
This is coming at a time when things were pretty peaceful here. Hub and I just passed our 17th happy anniversary. Julie is doing well in Chicago with her job and her relationship. Sonic is getting GREAT services and is the sweetest young adult on earth. Yes, he has a few issues, but they are easy to deal with. Basically he is delightful. Jumper is da bomb. She broke up with J. and is her old self again, happy, outgoing, always with her friends and having fun.
I didn't need and don't want this other stuff that S. is placing on me. Unfortunately, I have mental health issues too and stress out easily. I'm 80% better than I used to be, but THIS is bringing me down. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want Depression and Anxiety back in my life again...not to the degree they used to visit me.
If you read all of this, thank you...lol. You deserve a medal
I guess I don't have any questions because I know what to do, however I don't think I can cut him off completely. Maybe I'll talk to him once a day. I am NOT going to MIssouri. I can't afford to go to Missouri and the rest of my family is here. Now I'm just babbling, but I'm glad there is a place to write this stuff down. Well, thanks a lot for "listening." I'm going to veg out with hub and watch a movie. I need to take my mind off of this. In the end, there is absolutely nothing I can do.
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