Much needed advice please.....

[JKF]

In April when I lent difficult child my kindle I had to set up an email account in order for him to use it. He apparently uses this same account for his Facebook. I have the password to the email account and I occasionally check it. Actually - who am I kidding - I check it daily. I know - invasion of privacy, but it is what it is.

Anyway - apparently difficult child told one of his "friends" that he could come out across country and live with him! This is one of the "friends" who used him every month for all of his money/benefits and was a big part of why difficult child was kicked out of his motel room here in NJ. The kid is supposedly leaving tonight! And according to the messages back and forth between him and difficult child my dad is ok with it. Hmmmmm.

So here's my dilemma - do I interfere and call difficult child out on this (and also expose the fact that I've been snooping) or do I stay completely out of it and let whatever happens happen? What would you do at this point??

 

[JKF]

And just for the record - I am so angry at difficult child!! We busted our butts to send him out there and here he is - not even ONE WEEK later starting his bs again.

My husband has already made it clear that if difficult child messes this up he's done helping him. And I will have to go along with that because I agree. We've done EVERYTHING and difficult child does what he wants no matter who it hurts.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I wouldn't call out difficult child... but I might give Grandpa a "you didn't hear this from anyone" heads-up... maybe he can head things off?

 

[JKF]

I was thinking the same IC. I think calling difficult child out is a mistake. I tried to call my dad earlier but he didn't answer. I think I'll send him an email and give him a heads up. I mean for all I know my dad said yes the kid could come. In the messages they were discussing rent and the kid said tell your Grandpa I said thanks. So who knows? All I know is I have a HUGE headache right now!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh Boy JKF, I am so sorry. I think you and your husband are absolutely right in stopping your support at this point. You did everything you possibly could for a very long time to do whatever it took to keep your son safe and to provide him with everything he needed.

The thing about some of our kids is that they can't seem to adapt to living in the reality we do. It just is the way it is and at some point, the choices they make and the consequences of those choices have to be placed directly onto their shoulders. It sure sounds as if this is that time for your son. He has done everything possible to sabotage your efforts, even if he is not really intending to hurt you guys with his behavior, he is. That's where the boundaries come in. Ugh.

I'm sorry JKF, I understand your absolute anger and frustration because you worked so hard for so long. I know first hand how you feel having done a similar thing for my daughter last year.................and now, instead of being in good place as a result of my support, she is in a worse place. I felt the way you do now for awhile too.............it's hard. At some point we have to let go...............it sounds as if this is that time for you.

 

[JKF]

You're absolutely right RE. It's time to let go. I need to step away and separate my life from his problems. I've helped him time and time and time again and he never complies with the simple basic rules that are required of him. Never once has he complied and it makes me want to scream and hit something!!!

I have that sinking feeling in my chest like something bad is going to happen but I need to accept that and move on. He's 2,395 miles away (yes - I googled the exact distance) and I need to step back and let fate happen. Otherwise I'm sacrificing my life and the lives of husband and easy child for difficult child. That's not fair to any of us here who work very hard and follow rules and live life in a decent, respectful manner. Not fair at all. So instead of worrying about difficult child nonstop I'm going to focus on the positives - like easy child's progress at school, his journey into young adulthood, husband's mildly wicked, warped sense of humor and his ability to love me - flaws and all, my garden, the beautiful colors and smells of autumn. You know - life. Yup - it's time for me to start living MY life again.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm worried about your Dad. Does he have any idea what he's up against? Did he establish any ground rules for difficult child? I'd call him and give him a big ol' heads up. I've seen enough episodes of Judge Judy to know that Dad needs to say "no" and if he doesn't say "no" he needs to have both of them sign a lease. If all this goes south, Dad needs to protect himself.

 

[JKF]

CJ - I gave my dad a heads up waaaayy BEFORE difficult child got there. I spelled out all of the issues to the core. My father knew what he was getting into before difficult child went out there. I emailed my dad about this other kid who's supposedly going out there. He emailed back that if this kid really shows up he would have to sign a lease and pay to rent one of his apartments like any other tenant. If the kid comes out there with no money looking for a free place to stay my dad has a list of shelters the kid can go to. He didn't seem too concerned about it. He has "backup" there so I'm not worried about this kid being violent and my dad not being able to defend himself. I'm most worried about this kid showing up there and difficult child going out and getting in trouble with him.

Who knows if this kid is really even going. There's no direct way to get to the town my difficult child is in and in order to get there you need to either fly, train, or bus into another state and then take a bus and cab to reach where they are in the mountains. It gets pretty $$$ so I'm praying this kid realizes that and heads in a different direction.

 

[lovemysons]

JKF,
Your dad sounds great!

Sure hoping difficult child's "plans" with this kid fall through and that he gets down to the business of taking care of himself.

Keeping your son in my prayers,
LMS

 

[MrMike]

Yeah JKF, I agree with the others, you dont need to call your son about it. You have done everything (and more) for him. This reminds me of something our counselor said to us last time. She said that my difficult child may be mad at me for helping him because he may feel that he knows he should be living his own life, and wants to be self-sufficient, but me helping him may just be getting in the way of that. And it could be making him feel like less of a man since he is not able to do for himself. I'm not saying this has anything to do with your difficult child, but just thought I'd mention it because it struck me that alot of difficult child's on this site seem to treat their parents even worse the more the parents try to help them. And maybe this is why they seem to sabotage the help they are given. They want to do it on their own, but can't seem to, but when we help them, they sabotage our efforts. Seems to happen in some cases anyway. Like I said this has nothing to do with your difficult child, but just thought I'd put it out there.

*Anyway, easier said than done, but you really need to let go of him, as others have said, and focus on your life. Pray for him, hope for him, set a good example for him in how you live and how you interact with him (he is still watching that I believe), and leave the rest to God. Ask God for help, guidance, direction, to watch over your difficult child, and help him make the right choices, and that's all you should do.

by the way, please excuse my religiosity. I don't mean to offend anyone who does not believe in the things that I do. I am just describing how I am dealing with my difficult child situation right now. It's just how I cope with it.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think your email to your dad was a good thing to do. I like his answers too. Now does he need another tenant? LOL I could stand to have mine living that far away from me right now. Im tired of a toddler in my house. Right now she is crawling under my door to get to me because her father is asleep on the couch and not watching her. I cant tell you how badly that ticks me off. He has her, he needs to watch her.

 

[JKF]

MrMike - thank you so much for your input. I really do appreciate you sharing your experiences and advice with me. I love that here on this forum we can all share our journeys with each other and the ways we cope. I am always open for suggestions. Please understand - I am not easily offended so no need for apologies. I am not an overly religious person but I do pray to God daily. I do believe in the power of prayer and my difficult child is often the #1 topic of those prayers.

 

[JKF]

Thanks Janet. My dad is a pretty straight forward guy. He never looks for the bad in people and tends to give everyone a chance but he also don't let people walk all over him. So I'm confident that he'll get his point across to difficult child and his "friend" should the kid suddenly show up. And yes - right now the distance is perfect. I don't have to worry about him showing up on my doorstep. I can't imagine adding a toddler into the mix. I don't know how you do it. I'm sure it's so frustrating because you've already raised your kids and now it's time for them to raise their own!

 

[Tiredof33]

I'm not saying you are wrong to check the account, but do yourself a favor and don't check it every day. Find some things to do that you enjoy and try to spend one half of a day not thinking about difficult child, then a whole day.

Live in the moment, don't try to tell the future, right at this moment things are OK. Just enjoy it, we all know how fast things can change lol!

I wish I had your dad's help too, everyone I knew was just as overwhelmed by my difficult child as I was. Wishing you peace and a stress free day!

 

[recoveringenabler]

JKF, I was just reading through your posts and I want to tell you something I really want you to hear...........

you are a really good Mom.

I know how much we beat ourselves up about our kids and the choices they make. We tend to think we can help them and we keep trying to do that for a very long time, all the while thinking if we had somehow done more or done better we could have prevented this. In addition, as with you and me, if our kids are "out there" we think what awful people we are, here in our homes all safe and cozy while our kids are homeless, on the streets, cold, hungry................you know the drill................well, that is all the illusion we parents carry around with us, this useless and needless guilt, this burden of responsibility for these young people who continue to make poor choices and blithely walk through life without any sense of personal responsibility while we get depleted, exhausted and lose a sense of joy for our own lives. None of that is true, it is a parental delusion based in expectations of parenting that is not only unrealistic, it is damaging to everyone. Let all of that go.

MrMike said it well, our kids are angry at us for enabling them. It is a classic case of the victim persecuting the rescuer because the rescuer has taken away their ability make it on their own. No matter how much our kids demand of us to rescue them, we do them a huge disservice in it. Ultimately the kids anger is directed at us for trying to save them. An irony isn't it?

You've done everything for your son. And, you did it from your heart with the intention of making his life healthier. Whether that works or not is not even the question anymore, he has a chance, you gave that to him, what he does with it is his choice.

Go into your life and enjoy each moment of it. Your easy child, your husband and yourself. Take it from me ('cause I'm almost older then dirt!) and know you did EVERYTHING possible for your son................ let go, relax, rest and have fun.

 

[JKF]

OMG - I looked at the email again (I know Tired - I have to stop doing that) and this kid has a plane ticket out there tomorrow and money for first months rent. And the crazy thing is when I talked to difficult child earlier I casually asked if he talks to any friends here and if so to make sure he doesn't ever allow any of them to come out there. He was like "oh don't worry that won't happen." Uhhhhhh really??? Cause I think it's happening!

Well this is his decision. If he happens to ruin this thing with my dad that's his problem. Outta my hands right??? Why is that so much easier said than done?

Tomorrow I will be looking for a new therapist. Haven't been to one in a while but it's time to go back. I can't end this madness alone. I have to move on and I'm going to need professional help doing so. I guess that's the first step in the right direction.......

 

[JKF]

Long story short - the kid's public FB page has difficult child's new town listed as his current town so I asked difficult child is the kid was there and if not why was his town listed as that? difficult child said he didn't know. But obviously that's a lie because the kid is flying out there today according to the emails they sent back and forth.

Also, I sent difficult child a message saying some things I needed to say. I won't go into too much detail but I basically told him that I love him, I've done all I can do to help him, and while I still want to be a big part of his life, it's time for me to let go and let him take control. Before I sent the message I ran it past my best friend, who has known difficult child since birth and also works in the mental health field. She said it was perfect, he needs to hear those things, and I need to say them in order to move on. So I sent it. He, of course, saw the whole thing as a huge criticism and wrote back saying why don't I just leave him alone and go be a parent to easy child since I was never a mother to him. I just replied with "I'm sorry you feel that way. Have a great day. Love you." And you know what? I didn't even feel guilty or hurt over his nasty reply. This is the same old manipulation and guilt trip that he's laid on me for years. I don't feel any of those old feelings I used to have when he'd say something like that to me. So I look at that as progress!

Anyway, after that, I emailed my dad to tell him that I'm backing off now and will only be in sporadic contact with difficult child. Perhaps weekly instead of 17 times daily. It's time for difficult child to figure out things on his own.

 

[dstc_99]

Sounds like you made a wise decision. Obviously giving him a way to start a new life wasn't enough he still wants another pound of flesh. Even though it seems like a great diet plan it really isn't. LOL

I have decided basically the same thing with my difficult child. I give her what I can and no more. I don't ask for anything in return and I don't expect it. Basically our conversations start and end with Hi and how are you. Whatever she choses to give me in the way of conversation is all I respond to. I don't ask personal questions or even want to know anymore. It is up to her to let us know what she wants or needs and ask for it. We are no longer trying to assist her with the hurdles now we just say oh I hope your school advisor can help with that.

Right now we have a better relationship than we have in years. Of course it has no substance but at the same time we aren't screaming and in the end no one is in pain so I am calling that progress.

I wish you the best and hopefully the time apart will help you detach and find peace.

PS I also stopped checking anything to do with her out online. It saves my sanity. I deleted my Twitter even though we weren't friends simply because I never used it for anything other than snooping on her. I didn't need it or want it I just used it to try and protect her which absolutely never worked. I can see her checking account but other than to check and make sure the small amount we give her goes into it I don't look at where it is used.