Musings on being sticky

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I feel like a mouse that has been trapped on one of those traps with glue. You know, the ones, where the mice dies trying to un-stick his feet, but only days later does he come to his full demise? I am sure the mouse sits there the whole time he is trapped going, OK, I am gonna do X to get my 2 front feet unstuck, and then I am gonna do Y to get my other 2 unstuck, and then I am gonna run to Z to find a new hiding spot and my life will be happy again. Just over and over again in his little rat wheel of a brain he plays that out - until he dies.

    Every day I wake up and try to do normal. I have lists of things that need to be done. I have a life to lead and live - but I have absolutely no spark that breaks me free from feeling stuck. I just muse about it over and over in my head - and promise myself things will change - and nothing does.

    What thoughts do you have as to why one does this?
    It could be sheer laziness.
    It could be profound depression, deeper than I realize.
    It could be physical, like some sort of chemical imbalance.
    It could be some huge psychological block I have in re-creating my life in this rainy, yucky, environment.
    it could be that I am paralyzed by a fear of going forward after losing my job and home and dad last year.
    Or again, it could just be laziness. So lazy I can't even search for the match to ignite the flame under my rear.

    Have any of you been like this? What has helped?

    You all know I struggle with depression, so this is a part of it I am sure, but I just don't think it is the whole ball of wax. I do see a counselor and take medications - what else can you do? I was working out, and that is one of the areas where I feel like my feet got stuck. Suddenly I just don't want to go at ALL. Sure, I should just make myself do these things - but it seems as if I am fearful that I will fail or something. Like I don't really want to go back to working out unless I can really stick to it this time. Same with writing. Every day I want to write, but I don't do it because I can't seem to stick to it. It is like I am lacking a spine. Which only leads me to further self hatred.

    Anyway - I would love ideas. I feel like I am trying to crack a case here or something. It shouldn't be this hard - but I am missing something. Some knowledge that would make me free. Some self realization that would cause me to break through to the other side of this.
     
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OK - one other clue. I always dip, drastically in motivation when my Mom comes to visit. You see, when my Dad died, I really felt compelled to move closer to my Mom (thus the move from sunny to cloudy). When we were looking for houses to rent together we came across this great house, that had 2 guest bedrooms. She wanted to take her residency in this state instead of the one she is in because of tax reasons, so we agreed that she would have the really nice guest room and that she could come and visit whenever she wanted. Basically share the house.

    I don't know WHAT I was thinking. If my sister was still alive when I made this decision she would have clubbed me over the head and back into reality. I mean, I love my Mom, very, very much - but I moved out on my 18th birthday for a reason. She is SO controlling, and she makes me feel like I am 8 when we are together in this house. It is like her house, not mine. There is nothing I can do about this problem, until the lease is up. So I have to cope and deal with it for 2 more years.

    Still I don't know why her visiting would cause me to spiral and become more stuck. I can see how it could make me feel uncomfortable or mad - but this is still not the whole issue.
     
  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Been down that road. I don't know what picked me up and made me function again. Just hang in there.
     
  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    The human soul hates limbo. Yet after so much life stress there has to be some limbo-some deap thinking. If you had jumped on the horse and gone bronc. riding right away, people would have been worried as well. Remember how worried you were because your mother did not seem to grieve-or at least in a visable way?
    I don't know everything, but my guess is you need time before you make the leap into a whole nother space. I can't imagine what I would do if "my all too predictable" world got turned upside down. Part of my identity is my job, my kids and husband (or many times HH-hellish husband), even my mom (who also makes me nuts). Even difficult child is predictable-she will be giving me anxiety. It was bad enough when she first erupted and we had to deal with that. If I had to go through deaths, difficult child, job and house loss-I don't know.....

    I a no expert, but my mother/nurturing side is telling me that your body and mind need to rest a spell.

    Your writing is always compelling. I still remember the story of the man and his dog. I was so touched and that day I needed to be touched by such love. I was feeling like strangling someone-I was so bitter. That kind of writing is the kind that helps mice unstick their feet from the fly paper!
    No greatness comes from "normal". The things you have been through have "seasoned" you to do something very wonderful. You often phrase things and say things that noone else sees or thinks of. Hardly a writer writes 8 hours every day. I'd say set a small goal of 1/2 an hour-but my guess is that your drummer does not want to beat to a schedule right now.

    I have had inertia at times. I have a professional inertia going. I only have energy for my classes at school. I use to be teacher leader, mentor, grant writer, prize winner teacher-now I just want to take care of me, my family and my classes in that order. They nominated me again for the Presidential Award in Science teaching-I was runner up in the state a few years ago. I could care less-I do not have the energy to do all the work and video taping. I felt guilty last year. I do not now. It is what I need. If it is laziness-it will be one of the few times in my life-so be it! My guess is that is also true for you.

    Would giving yourself some slack and just going with the flow (even your mother's flow) help? Do you have to do something, or could it just be spiritual? Perhaps you have pushed yourself toward your mom because there is something there-a story? Healing? Fear that could turn into something good? A chance to stand in your truth and not be controlled by her? I don't know-just some thoughts. A big((( hug))) to you and the help you have offered to me and difficult child even with the proverbial feet all sticky!
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Steely, if you have ruled out depression and/or physical causes, perhaps being stuck is boredom? I've found that to be true for me at various points in my life. I want and need something to look forward to...to feel good about. Can you manufacture a goal to trick your psyche and give it a kick-start? Is there something you would like to do on a volunteer basis that might help you look forward instead of inward? I'm at this juncture myself so I can relate somewhat. Just a thought.


    Suz
     
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I dont know if this will help much, but I usually am at my worst when it is not ONE thing ....but all of these smaller issues....(though these seem like medium to big things) . I mean we can fix ONE problem usually. Or at least focus on it and try to solve it....but when there are many issues to work on...I usually feel overwhelmed. Much worse depression symptoms then. And add to it weather, season, etc. It can be a rough time. Hugs to you my friend. Hang in there. Talk to your peeps and make sure you are healthy etc. and of course keep sorting thru it here! Love, Dee
     
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    :hugs:

    I get that feeling, too - like a hamster on a wheel, only I can never get off, I never get anywhere else, and if I stop, I tumble over and over because the wheel doesn't stop.

    And yes, the glue trap is appropriate, too.

    Moving for you was like relocating the wheel/trap. New scenery, but it still feels like you're not getting anywhere.

    I'm betting the depression is a bigger issue than you realize. When I get like that - I'm in a rut - same old same old same old, and I am dissatisfied and grumpy and have no inclination to make things better. I have to FORCE myself to do stuff.

    Like right now - I have GOT to finish those sugar free buckeyes... But instead, last night I sorted paperwork for the files... Which is actually an improvement over normal. I'm a little manic right now, not sure why...

    But - the point is - when you're trying to get out from under a PILE of koi (M's behavior, Matt, your Mom, Aunt & Uncle, that (insert appropriate expletive) job issue, Western Union) - it's HARD. And sometimes doing something for you does not feel good, or make things better.

    Might I suggest you do something really out of character? Really weird. What comes to mind is something like buying a flashy outfit you'd probably never wear - and take yourself to dinner, wearing it. It does not have to be expensive... I adore thrift stores...

    Something different to knock yourself out of the rut, to jolt open the hamster cage, to peel the glue off your little toes and fingers...
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For me... its really simple.
    I end up not realizing that I'm stuck on things I cannot change.
    THAT absorbs so much mental and emotional energy, that the other stuff piles up behind it... and nothing moves forward.

    When I recognize that, its easier to shift the energy to the things that are productive.
     
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Steely--

    For me, it turned out to be vitamin deficiencies and hormonal imbalances. I didn't realize how far out-of-whack my body had become, until things got straightened out again. But in the meantime, I was doing exactly what you are: am I just lazy? how come I cannot do A, B, and C ? Didn't I used to do A, B, and C without even thinking about it? Why are things so hard right now?

    Get thee to a doctor - check your levels....if even to rule it out.
     
  10. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I do understand stuckness, Steely. Am feeling it at the moment in relation to work... I do like translation, being a wordsmith who enjoys playing with language, and get to translate some interesting texts, but at the moment (and for some time), I have felt completely jaded and uninspired about it and am really dragging my heels and wasting a lot of my working day... And I actually have loads and loads of work at the moment, so this is not particularly good. I don't know to what extent this relates to what you are feeling but I think PART of the problem for me is being divorced from the earth, simple, physical things, really connecting to nature... To do with balance. Nature is very healing (along with other things - can be destructive too, of course) and I am wondering whether you are missing being in the right sort of nature for you... An image comes into my head, recurringly, of a beach somewhere hot (Morocco, probably) and I want to be there. I don't think it's random, I think it's saying something. I am needing something I am not getting... For you to know what it is you need but are not getting. Hugs. PS You are not lazy. Thinking in uncompassionate ways like this about oneself does not help :hammer:been there done that!
     
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It could be that you don't feel free to be spontaneous. Sharing space with someone else inhibits the need to just "go with your flow". Hope the New Year brings more peace. Hugs. DDD
     
  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I agree with Daisyface. I would feel like that alot. I had a routine appointment scheduled with my cardiologist but I didn't bring it up because I felt it was having to deal with difficult child all the time and work related issues. He did the normal blood tests he usually does and my Vitamin D was low. I now take Vitamin D daily and actually carry through with things better, feel happier, and have more energy. I feel better rested and able to handle difficult child's nonsense better.

    I'd definitely ask to have blood work done to see if anything shows low. Hope the "wheel stops spinning" for you real soon! Definitely not a good feeling.
     
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    First of all Mrs CatInTheHat I have missed you! I hope you keep posting. Thanks for responding.

    Exhausted your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so, so much for your encouragement. I realized after reading your post that a lack of positive affirmation in my life might be the cause for dragging my feet. Why should I do anything when no one cares? I don't have anyone in my life that I feel really "believes" in me...and that can make one feel like becoming completely stagnant. I guess the only way I can overcome that is feed positive affirmations to myself. That and get involved with places with people, which I don't do easily.

    Step - you know the other reason I moved to WA is because of my extended family. I felt like since I didn't have my sister or dad that I should try and bond with the family that I do have left. Well, that was just a dream, because in reality they are just as distant and shallow as they always were. There were promises between my cousin and I that we would hang out a lot - haha - she hasn't accepted one of my invites. And then there was the Christmas fiasco. And during that Christmas fiasco I realized that my Aunt had done a huge blog/website about my dad - his life and death - with my cousin's poem about him on the home page. To backtrack - when my Dad died my aunt and uncle asked their daughter who is a professional poet, to write a poem for the memorial. I was not aware of this, and I also wrote a poem. My Aunt created the memorial program and put her daughter's poem in the memorial program, not mine. Then when we scattered my dad's ashes, they read my cousin's poem, not mine. And now this blog/website -- I am just like -- whatever. I am trying not to be petty, but every time I read the poem I wrote I cry, because it embodies completely who he was as a Dad. My cousin's poem sounds like something that should be in a magazine, written about someone I don't know. And yes, it just really summarizes the lack of depth these people have - the rest of my family that I was supposed to become closer to - I don't even like.

    Malika I cried when I read your post, because that is surely the other part of this. Nature. When I moved to AZ it was the first time in my life I had ever felt at peace with my world. I loved the sand, the heat, the harsh weather, the 50mph winds, the mountains, the Colorado River. It was MINE, and like you said I felt balanced. Here I look at the mountains and I just kind of shrug my shoulders - like eh, they're pretty I guess. Every night in AZ I would sit on my balcony and watch the sun go down over the lake. It was always so intensely beautiful it still makes me cry when I think about it. I feel like a lost a best friend by moving. I know that sounds weird to some....but Northern AZ is just where I was always meatn to be....and I need to be back there. I know staying here is just temporary, and when spring comes it will be prettier, and that will help. But yes, I am out of balance completely with nature.

    Thanks to all of you who really do care. This board means a lot to me, especially lately. And all of your input is actually really helping me unravel this. Encouragement, Nature, Affirmation, Peace, Writing, those are the things that will help me get unstuck.

    Last night my only friend Gabriel called and started teasing me about how many posts I put on facebook about dog food recalls. I realized right then and there that he doesn't like certain parts of me. His teasing is not haha, it is teasing because he thinks I am dumb about some things. I think he genuinely cares, but he does not genuinely like me. Those kinds of people in my life need to stop existing.
     
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    And yes, as soon as I can get some insurance of some kind - I will go for a full medical workup. I really, really need to get insurance asap, and they are just dragging their toes.
     
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Steely (((HUGS))) I know you said you don't want to go to the gym, but go anyway. It's uncomfortable when you don't want to go, but that rush of endorphans you feel when it's over, might just be what you need to get yourself writing. You need to write, that's your passion. Make yourself do it, even if you just sit there and doodle and don't write one useful word. You may feel a little better. Don't beat yourself up about how you think you need to do this or that, just concentrate on you every second. You never know what tomorrow may bring, try and let your worries roll off your back, listen to music. I'm not as articulate as the others, but music always helps....dance around and play it real loud.
     
  16. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

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