Must have jinxed

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myself by writing a good post about easy child. I am very excited for her that she made cheerleading but this morning her attitude left me very hurt.

She was running late (as usual) and got upset that I reminded her (nicely) about the time. She had a major attitude. Since we got near her school at 7:30 (the latest time I like to get her there), I decided to drop her off at the gas station on the corner. She demanded I take her to school. I told her with that attitude I was not driving her to school. She had to walk less than a block and a half.

She complained it was too cold (it was chilly-30 degrees but she knows the drill about leaving on time). She screamed at me that I should just head towards my school. I said fine she could walk from there (about 3 miles) and started off. She said she wouldn't go to school. I told her choice but if she gets kicked off of cheerleading for unexcused absences not my problem.

She yelled for me to stop so I pulled in at a Panera kiddie corner from the gas station (obviously I hadn't gotten far). I told her she could walk from there. She flipped out! Yelling, screaming and saying horrible things. Then she started kicking the back of my seat repeatedly. I told her in a bit I would be starting off for my school and wasn't turning around.

She then yelled that I was the worst mother ever (I'm used to this from difficult child and her once in awhile) but then she said she doesn't know why she was ever put with me and wished her birth mother hadn't picked me for her mom. She slammed the door and took off.

I refused to let her see how hurt I was. It broke my heart but no way would I let her know that. She really didn't have far to walk (she sometimes walks there for lunch) but I felt like she was trying to bully me into taking her with all of her hateful language. I refused to be bullied but it did hurt. At least she didn't see my tears.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get this out. I'm not sure how to respond to her when she gets home this evening.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. Sending hugs and kisses to bandage your wounded mommy heart.

I think you are quite right on the bullying thing. While there may be some issue underlying her meltdown, letting her get away with it was not the answer. You did a good job keeping your cool.

Girls that age are difficult. It takes a special person to be the mom of a 16yo girl. You have all the typical teen garbage mixed with hideous hormones and it just is NOT a fun recipe.

I am sorry your day started so badly. I hope this evening was better.

Hugs.

 

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Thanks Susie,

easy child came home and went straight to her room last night (they didn't get home til after 7:30) and never came back out so we didn't talk at all. husband tried to talk to her on the way home about it and she didn't respond at all. Not responding is typical for her. In some ways she is very passive aggressive.

I don't know if the fact that on Sunday we ran out of her birth control pills (there wasn't another refill like I thought) which she is on for her moods could have anything to do with it or not. I picked up the new prescription yesterday.

 

[Fran]

Isn't it time for easy child to know when prescriptions need to be refilled? Slow transition towards independence is important.
It really strikes me when she talks so horridly to you and you say nothing. She didn't see your tears! She should. You should let her know that it hurt you badly. How are teens supposed to grow into adults if they don't learn early on that words hurt, mom is a human being and that sometimes she needs to put brakes on her mouth if her thoughts are ugly? When does she learn that love isn't supposed to hurt?

When difficult child said he hated living here, when in hs, I offered to move him if he found a family that he thought treated him better. We are only trying to teach him how to be an independent adult. I have shown the teens that what they say hurts and that we want to be spoken to as we speak to them. Trust me we have had several of these conversations over the last 8yrs.

I'm not saying that she will exhibit better behavior but you must plant the seeds that words hurt and family doesn't do that to each other without horrid consequences. Dysfunction starts to happen when there is no mutual respect for each other's role in the family. You being positive and upbeat is good but long suffering in silence is not. Please don't think I am saying to get into the argument with her but if you are able to calmly or even tearfully respond at the time she hurls these insults you may be able to show her what she has done with her words. You will be a parent teaching a teen how to respond to hurt.

She needs to learn that a woman can defend herself and stand up to abuse and anger. She needs to learn that from you.

In the meantime, many hugs.

 

[timer lady]

Sharon, I agree with Fran.

I've had several of these conversations with wm - he knows in full now why he doesn't & won't live here.

kt, after pushing me over to run, has since been informed that if she ever considers putting her hands on me she will be in wm's position. I will not tolerate physical aggression. Nor will I tolerate emotional abuse or verbal aggression from either of the tweedles. My team is backing me up.

I let them see my tears - I've told them both that our family is the way it is now because they are/were so out of control & wouldn't allow us/me to be the parent. So if kt & wm are so anxious to parent themselves they can find someplace else to do it. I cried & let them see it while I told them.

You must stand up for yourself & let easy child know that she's old enough to know better. Doesn't matter that she's in her teens - not a good enough excuse to be rude or demanding. easy child knows the rules; it's her fault she had to walk. This had nothing to do with bio mom choosing you - it was all about easy child not following the rules about being on time. easy child needs to put her anger where it belongs & it isn't you.

I worry for you, lady.

 

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Fran and Linda,

Thanks and I understand what you mean. In the past when she has said hateful things she seems almost glad if I cry or let her know how much she has hurt me. Of course, yesterday's comment was the rudest yet.

I did try to talk to her about it tonight. I told her how if difficult child was saying things to me like she did she would be all over his case. She said that was because he was difficult child. I told her I didn't let her see me cry yesterday. Her response was that's o.k. it was enough to imagine that I was.

She was still very hurtful; told me if she was sorry she would have told me so.. I couldn't hold it in any longer and started crying. I told her from now on I wasn't going to remind her what time it was in the morning and that I will leave the house at 7:00 with no warning. She doesn't like me to let her know what time it is so I told her I won't but I will leave. She can then have an unexcused absence for the day; if she gets enough of them her school will kick her out and tell her she needs to go to her home school.

I also told her not to be asking for any favors in the near future; that if she is so hurtful towards me I would not be going out of my way to do her any favors.

After I went upstairs husband asked her why she was being so mean. She replied she didn't know but that maybe she really was a psychopath (she had read the book Columbine this summer and told husband she was afraid she might be a psychopath-neither husband nor I believe she is but it is interesting to hear what she thinks). Don't know if I should be more worried now or not.

I have cried a lot tonight and unfortunately did a lot of emotional eating. I think I just reached a saturation point.

 

[GoingNorth]

I think a lot of this is typical teen combined with her knowing exactly what are the most hurtful buttons to push.

I wish I could make suggestions, but while I do have a couple of adopted younger cousins, both were adopted privately within a few days of birth.

Neither of them showed any sx of Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or exposure to drugs in utero. They date back to the days when teenage girls simply did NOT raise their own babies. The ones we had in my high school were simply sent away "to stay with relatives for a year" or "sent to boarding school for a year".

They'd disappear and come back a year or so later.

 

[Hound dog]

Sharon

By Jr High it was up to my kids to get themselves up for school. They walked the 2 miles there and the 2 miles back each day no matter what the weather. If they didn't get up in time, whatever.....natural conscequences.

Worked out well. No more chaotic mornings for me........and they had to learn to get up and out on time.

I agree. Time to start making her take responsibility for medications and the like. Once my kids hit hs I was getting them ready to leave home. Sounds mean. But not. It was a gradual push toward independence. They had to take on more responsibility while I backed off and made myself leave it up to them.

Hugs

 

[Fran]

Hopefully, easy child will grow empathy and attachment as she matures. She needs to know that how she feels towards the world in her teens isn't necessarily how she will feel later on in life. If she fears that she has no conscience, she has a choice to get one. Fearing that she is a psychopath because she doesn't have kindness or empathy is pretty demoralizing to a bright person. She will grow up and how she has nurtured herself and recognized her good qualities and those of others will go a long way to self understanding.
Glad you are getting away.