my 18 year old has been smoking pot since he was 14 and it has taken control of him

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by brwnigrl717, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. brwnigrl717

    brwnigrl717 New Member

    Hi there I am new to this forum and seriously at the end of my rope. My husband and I are recently separated, and my son is and has been a very difficult child and it is not getting any easier or better. His sophomore year of high school he was kicked out of a very good Catholic High School 6 weeks before school got out for smoking weed before school and having paraphernalia on campus, so he had to complete last 6 weeks of school at a public school. The beginning of his junior year (in the new public school) he was smoking in his room all the time. I would bust him throw it our argue and fight a constant battle. I finally got my husband involved and he talked to our son and told him that he was giving him a drug test and searching his room. If he had anything related to drugs he better just come clean with it, or he was calling the cops if he found anything. Our son swore up and down there were no drugs in his room and no paraphernalia. The drug test only showed THC, however when my husband searched the room there was pot, scale, baggies, lighters, papers and a lot of money....My heart sank because I knew the cops were getting a call, and they were. They did not arrest our son but did warn him and had a very long talk. Fast forwarding a couple months my sons name came up with selling weed to a middle school kid, and they took him into detention center and he had to complete a 3 week drug program. Well the bullheaded pot smoker was not compliant so the 3 weeks turned into a 6 month program. He did complete that but not honestly. He figured out a way to cheat the system through research and friends. Now this is a child with a 3.4 GPA in school. Crazy and very frustrating........He just graduated High School (thank God) but continues to smoke A LOT of weed day and night, and now he is drinking beer and alcohol, and I have seen a couple packs of cigarettes recently. He has a constant cough, and wont go to rehab or counseling. I was a big pot head before I had kids, but I NEVER got in trouble with the law or disrespected my parents with smoking or keeping it in there home. I would appreciate some real solutions to this dilemma, and not harp on me about all the mistakes I have made. This is my oldest child of 2 and I have not done anything different with my second one yet she seems to be on the right track at 15. Forcing him into rehab from what I have seen with friends will only lead him to relapse and possibly become worse. HELP!!!!
     
  2. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Welcome! You've found the right place here with so many wise and wonderful people.

    I wonder if your son is refusing treatment because he is currently comfortable with his situation. Where is he living and is he working or supporting himself? Does he have any goals or interests? How about the type of people he hangs around with?

    I think he will need professional treatment to get clean. It sounds like his drug use is pretty intractable and has been going on for awhile.
     
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome brwnigrl and I'm sorry you have to be here. I wish I had advice for you but I don;t think there is any way you are going to stop your son from smoking pot. I may be all wrong but I think all the publicity about legalizing pot has given these kids the ammunition they need to think it's ok. I don't know how to change that thinking because if it does become legal everywhere we are the ones who are wrong.

    All you can do is control what is allowed in your home. If he is selling pot he will get into serious trouble. As many of us have learned, do not let him drive your cars. If he wants to contineu this lifestyle he may have to find alternative living arrangements. We did force our difficult child into treatment. Treatment does not "fix" the addict. She came out and relapsed over and over until she lost so many jobs and got into so much trouble that she decided to change. Thankfully our difficult child never advanced further than pot and alcohol. But nothing we did helped except to kick her out of the house and make her face reality on her own.

    Is your son employed? What are the kids he hangs with like? Does his entire world revolve around pot? The best thing you can do right now is set your boundaries and make them clear to your son.
     
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome. I'm sure you'll find a lot of great advice here.

    Just a few observations from my own experience, and maybe a question or two for you.

    My son started smoking pot and drinking at app. age 15. He would wait till we were asleep, and then leave the house. His grades suffered terribly; prior to pot use, he was a straight A student, he held a great job where he was treated like a son by the owner/proprietor. My son burned so many bridges at that time. He wanted to do what he wanted, even if it was going to destroy him. So many kids can smoke pot frequently, yet still maintain good grades, work, and go on to college. Some, like my son, ruined what should've been the best years of his life with a drug that is practically legal, and I felt like I was hitting my head against the wall.
    The only things that helped were natural consequences he suffered because of his choices (he lost his coveted job, and lost the respect of his boss, who was like family), and we found a really good adolescent shrink who, after a while, was able to reach our son in a way that we just couldn't. Pot smoking often stunts emotional growth, so as long as they're smoking, they don't see a problem.
    My questions: It seems like he was dealing as well as using. If that is the case, and you are aware of that fact, I believe you can face serious charges if he's conducting business/keeping scales, money, etc. in your house. You have a right to keep that out of your home, and away from your other child. Also, what are his plans for college? Is he going away or staying local, or is he planning to get a full time job?

    Your son is clearly not stupid, but he will continue to exploit every opportunity (your recent separation, summer off, etc.) to do what he wants until he gets enlightened, or until consequences catch up to him.

    I'm so sorry, I've been exactly where you are, and it's so hard.
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Bwrn---welcome. Just a few more thoughts. Start thinking about the things you truly can control, like the use of your car, and whether or not you give him money, and how much privacy he has in his bedroom (many people take the bedroom door off the hinges when their kids start acting out---we did)---things like that.

    You can't police him 24/7 and shadow him everywhere he goes. You can't stop him from smoking pot.

    I'm not sure from your post how old he is, but if he is 18 and he continues doing the things he is doing, he will soon start getting into more serious trouble.

    And, if he is a drug addict, he will get worse. Addiction is a progressive disease.

    Read this site. We have been where you are. My son has now been in jail 8 or 9 times. He has two felonies and multiple misdemeanors. He is in jail today. When he's not in jail, he is homeless. He is no longer welcome in my home or my ex-husband's home.

    I have cried a million tears, but that hasn't changed one single thing.

    Today, I am working on myself a lot. I spend time every day working on my attitude, getting my "mind right" about who I am, what I need to be doing, how I need to spend my time, how powerless I am over people, places and things, how grateful I am for all that I have been given.

    I have decided that I am going to continue to have a great life. My life is not my son. I have many other facets of my life, and most of them are wonderful.

    Sometimes I even think that the more we explain, reason, cry, beg and yell about what they are doing, the more they actually do it.

    Today, I know that it is likely that nothing I do or don't do will change my difficult child. In fact, he may never change. Or he might. Given all of that uncertainty, how will I spend my day today? Just for today. Focus on the here and now, and not on things I can't control.

    I'm not trying to make it sound simple or easy because I know it is not. It is however, possible. Warm hugs for you and for all you are dealing with. Please keep sharing here. We get it and we care.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well...even though I'm sure pot will be legal everywhere soon, that doesn't mean our adult children should abuse it. Alcohol is legal too and how many people die from alcohol complications?

    This is what hubby and I enforce: Our house, our sanctuary (Love that word, forgot who said it, but I love it). In our sanctuary, if you want to come in, we welcome you with open arms, but we do have some boundaries we set to make our sanctuary comfortable for us. First of all, nobody is allowed to smoke in our house. You have to go outside. This is not open for discussion. Husband quit smoking and smelling any smoke is hard for him and for me I just loathe the smell, taste and the way it makes the entire house smell. So if you come in you don't smoke. That will include pot. If it becomes legal, go out to your car. Otherwise, go home.

    We have no alcohol since we don't drink. If you want to bring a bottle of wine or beer, you can drink here, but you can not stay if you get loud, obnoxious and drunk. That is also non-negotiable.

    These rules apply to our grown children too. Say they wanted to live in our house (or apartment) because times got tough. Fine, but our house, our rules.

    Does he plan on going to college? If so, are you paying for it? Do you pay for his car? His internet use? His cell phone? You can always just tell him calmly that if he disregards your rules, his life is going to become harder because he will have to support himself.

    I am unique I think that I would probably never pay to send a kid to college away from home if he was showing signs of substance abuse because it doesn't get better in college dorms. I'd pay for local, live-at-home college for an irresponsible but bright kid. It's too expensive to pay for dorms just for our kids to have an unsupervised playland. Yes, they can hang with bad people at home too, but at least it won't cost so much. Again, I don't think I have much support here, but I really believe it's a good idea if the adult child is going in the wrong direction.

    Arguments with our difficult children are in my opinion pointless. They twist our words and our desires and ideas don't seem to matter to them. It's all about them and what they WANT to do, sort of like little kids. But they are not little kids and they need to grow up and respect others.
     
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