My 18 year old son and pot

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Ckml, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. Ckml

    Ckml New Member

    I am hoping to get some guidance on here. I am a single parent of two my daughter is 24 and lives in New York. My son started cutting himself last April because of a breakup. I immediately got him help but last summer his friends got him to start smoking pot. He's been caught but to him pot is no big deal. To me it's illegal and you can go to jail. He seemed to lay off pot during football and when he thought he was going to college to play football. Well he's not in college because the school he wanted to go to wanted $20000 more after financial aid and I can't afford it. He turned 18 in April then my mom passed away May 1st and he graduated may 30th. I have told him he is more than welcome to move out but as long as he is in my house then it's my rules. I think I'm going to do a contract and make him sign it but I'm afraid it's going to come down to me kicking him out. I don't give him money stopped that a long time ago he is working but spends that on pot. I don't know what else to do. Any other suggestions will be welcome
     
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK here is my take.... I have a son who is 23 and has put us through the wringer with his behavior and substance abuse issues. We did have to kick him out when he was 18 which was very hard and we have also been through him being homeless which is awful to go through. I also have a 20 year old daughter in college who is doing very well. My son is again in rehab and seems to be doing well. I tell you all this to let you know that my thoughts come from lots of experience.

    So first of all to the 18+ crowd pot is no bid deal.... and our society seems to agree with them given that pot is becoming legal in some places and that seems to be the wave of the future. Personally I think this is a mistake but it seems to be the way of the future. Drinking is also common in this age group which I actually think in some ways is more worrisome. So I dont think the fact that your son is smoking pot in and of itself is a huge issue. Yes it is worrisome and yes you should keep a watchful eye but I think it is important not to overreact.

    Your son has been through a lot of changes in the last year and this is hard. Pot is certainly not a good way to deal with his feelings and that is worrisome.... and of course the cutting is also very worrisome. I am glad you got him help for that and hopefully he knows he can get help for any tough things he is dealing with.

    I think the most important thing you can do is to try and keep your relationship with him intact and strong. Hard to do with this age group as they are trying to spread their wings.

    I think contracts are often a good idea because it makes really clear what the rules are and what he needs to do to keep living with you. HOWEVER I would not make smoking or not smoking pot directly a part of the contract. You have no control over if he does or does not smoke pot. And it puts you in the position of having to police him.... and drug test him which is a whole other can of worms. One huge problem with drug testing for pot is there are many synthetic forms of pot out there which do not show up on drug tests and they are more dangerous than regular pot. And there are ways to get around the drug tests.... so my suggestion is to avoid going there.

    What I would do is focus on behavior..... things you expect from him and would expect from any roommate really. Certainly you can be clear there are to be no drugs in your home as that brings you into the whole illegality of it.... but I would steer clear of a condition that you will kick him out if he keeps smoking pot. Then you might have to follow through.... and really kicking a son out out is incredibly painful and can be very very worrisome. In our case I think we had to do it, but from what you have said it doesnt sound like you are at that point.

    Good luck and keep posting.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds heartbreaking, but you're doing great in protecting yourself.

    We tried a contract with my daughter, but, frankly, I don't think they usually work, but it may be worth a try.

    Pot is going to be th e next big problem for all of us. I think, sonner rather than later, it will be legal and we will all have to deal with it differently, just like we do with alcohol. I can't tell you what to do. I can share what I'd do and that's it. I did have a daughter who used drugs, but it was way beyond pot. If she had only smoked pot, and had not done it on my premesis or talked about it to me, I probably would not have done anything unless her behavior became horrible.

    My pot rules now go like this: I don't want to know and you can't smoke in my house. Not a cigarette and not weed. Nothing. It's my house and my rules and even if you are smoking cigarettes and do it inside, you are at risk for being asked to leave as I don't like smoke in my lungs and you will have to do it elsewhere. We have a "No Smoking" sign in our living room, but we don't know anyone who smokes (not close anyway).

    I don't blame you for not paying that much money for college. My daughter has had to get grants and loans but she is using community college. If your son is really motivated to do college, he has many choices. Even if he had been a fantastic football player in high school, the chances are not good, if he has not been recruited, that he would have made the team in a four year college. It's just one of those very rare things saved for only the very, very best and luckiest in the country.

    How is your son behaving outside of the pot? One bad thing about pot is that while we usually know about the pot (kids are pretty forthcoming about using pot), they often are also using other drugs that are quite dangerous. They are not forthcoming about that. That's why I asked how he is behaving. Is he respectful? Does he help around the house? Does he come home on time? Does he pay his own bills or some rent?

    You have to decide what YOU can tolerate and act accordingly. Each of us and our children are individuals. It is your house and you know what is best for you and, yes, YOU MATTER. You also know your son and what he's doing and how he's behaving and if he seems to being going the wrong way in many areas of life.

    Hugs for your hurting heart and keep posting.
     
  4. haunter

    haunter New Member

    Take him to see a counselor or something.
    He might have some problems that he feels marijuana can help him fix or find solutions to fix it, whatever the case may be.

    I wish and hope the best for you.
     
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