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My 20 year old son won't move out. HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619250" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Wavering,</p><p>I used to make my son leave the house when I left, and not come home till after I got home. Once he was in for the evening he wasn't allowed out again. I definitely felt safer and better that way...safer in that I knew he wouldn't take stuff/break stuff/let friends in (he never actually did that but I was afraid he would), take advantage of me (eat all the food, leave a mess, use my computer). Better in that I started to really resent him lying around, watching TV, eating, and funking up the house with his poor hygiene while I was out working, shopping, doing errands, whatever. If I couldn't stay home and relax then he shouldn't be able to either (after a while).</p><p>At first he was pretty good about it. Then he started making the mornings really unpleasant...had to wake him three/four/five times. I too used water to wake him. Made me late, etc. It was really unpleasant, but better than the alternatives. Eventually he just didn't come home one evening, and that finished that era. I don't remember which era we entered after that.</p><p></p><p>Yucky variations on that theme: We have a small nanny suite with a bathroom. I had a locksmith put a deadbolt lock on the door (very fire-unsafe, and perhaps against code). I let him stay there sometimes for brief respites from the street...and I locked him in when I went to bed and let him out in the morning. That didn't last long, but again, better than having him wandering the house at night (I should note he never scared me or hurt me or anyone else at night, but he did rifle through stuff, use computers, eat and leave food around, and once or twice left the house and left the front door open...we live downtown in a major city.).</p><p></p><p>Our house used to be a duplex and has a joint entryway...you can lock the door between the entry and the main part of the house. For a while when he was really a mess, using all the time, unmedicated disaster...we gave him a pillow and blanket and let him sleep in the foyer. At least he couldn't get into the house. My then-middle school aged younger boys had to step over him to get out in the morning to go to school. That was not great for them, or us...and yet, at the time...we did what we felt we had to do as we always did.</p><p></p><p>Even as I write this I can't believe it took me so long to detach. Wow. I let him put us through a lot of awful.</p><p></p><p>Anyway...of all those options the one that worked best was..I'm out of the house you are out of the house. You can tell him that his behavior is sketchy and you feel uncomfortable. Those are two poses you don't have to defend. </p><p></p><p>Good luck to you.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad he is showing his colors clearly to you now....I hope you don't let him drag things out the way I did...they way maybe I still do (although difficult child hasn't lived at home now since September, when I let him come home briefly after his first, 4 night stint in jail--I say briefly but actually I would have let him stay. He came home and packed his stuff and left at 10 one night because I had a curfew for him. Hasn't been home since. He did go back to jail for a month...I paid his resitution for smashing someone's tv (it was an accident mom I knocked it over) and for stealing from the gap (I didn't have any pants that fit, mom!)...and when he was released --after he had called me every day 5 x/ day, I had put money on his books for phone calls, socks and underwear...he said "its a holiday mom I just want to be with my friends")). I haven't spoken to him since. I have seen him on the streets from time to time, begging. That is my boy. All the bending over backwards for him in the world didn't prevent that.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you today. YOu are engaged in a difficult struggle of self-awareness, growth, realization, and the brutal fact that a kind of yucky guy is camped out in your house and not so easy to get rid of. I've been there. We've all been there. Keep posting, we will hold your hand and hug you as you do with us.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619250, member: 17269"] Wavering, I used to make my son leave the house when I left, and not come home till after I got home. Once he was in for the evening he wasn't allowed out again. I definitely felt safer and better that way...safer in that I knew he wouldn't take stuff/break stuff/let friends in (he never actually did that but I was afraid he would), take advantage of me (eat all the food, leave a mess, use my computer). Better in that I started to really resent him lying around, watching TV, eating, and funking up the house with his poor hygiene while I was out working, shopping, doing errands, whatever. If I couldn't stay home and relax then he shouldn't be able to either (after a while). At first he was pretty good about it. Then he started making the mornings really unpleasant...had to wake him three/four/five times. I too used water to wake him. Made me late, etc. It was really unpleasant, but better than the alternatives. Eventually he just didn't come home one evening, and that finished that era. I don't remember which era we entered after that. Yucky variations on that theme: We have a small nanny suite with a bathroom. I had a locksmith put a deadbolt lock on the door (very fire-unsafe, and perhaps against code). I let him stay there sometimes for brief respites from the street...and I locked him in when I went to bed and let him out in the morning. That didn't last long, but again, better than having him wandering the house at night (I should note he never scared me or hurt me or anyone else at night, but he did rifle through stuff, use computers, eat and leave food around, and once or twice left the house and left the front door open...we live downtown in a major city.). Our house used to be a duplex and has a joint entryway...you can lock the door between the entry and the main part of the house. For a while when he was really a mess, using all the time, unmedicated disaster...we gave him a pillow and blanket and let him sleep in the foyer. At least he couldn't get into the house. My then-middle school aged younger boys had to step over him to get out in the morning to go to school. That was not great for them, or us...and yet, at the time...we did what we felt we had to do as we always did. Even as I write this I can't believe it took me so long to detach. Wow. I let him put us through a lot of awful. Anyway...of all those options the one that worked best was..I'm out of the house you are out of the house. You can tell him that his behavior is sketchy and you feel uncomfortable. Those are two poses you don't have to defend. Good luck to you. I'm glad he is showing his colors clearly to you now....I hope you don't let him drag things out the way I did...they way maybe I still do (although difficult child hasn't lived at home now since September, when I let him come home briefly after his first, 4 night stint in jail--I say briefly but actually I would have let him stay. He came home and packed his stuff and left at 10 one night because I had a curfew for him. Hasn't been home since. He did go back to jail for a month...I paid his resitution for smashing someone's tv (it was an accident mom I knocked it over) and for stealing from the gap (I didn't have any pants that fit, mom!)...and when he was released --after he had called me every day 5 x/ day, I had put money on his books for phone calls, socks and underwear...he said "its a holiday mom I just want to be with my friends")). I haven't spoken to him since. I have seen him on the streets from time to time, begging. That is my boy. All the bending over backwards for him in the world didn't prevent that. Hugs to you today. YOu are engaged in a difficult struggle of self-awareness, growth, realization, and the brutal fact that a kind of yucky guy is camped out in your house and not so easy to get rid of. I've been there. We've all been there. Keep posting, we will hold your hand and hug you as you do with us. Echo [/QUOTE]
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My 20 year old son won't move out. HELP!
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