My 20 yr old daughter wants nothing to do with me anylonger.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SusanF, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. SusanF

    SusanF New Member

    I am in dire need of some kind of answers. My daughter and I were at one time close. At 16 she met a boy and started dating him. At first I like him, but at our home I realized he was hitting her. I could hear it from the other side of the door. He was kicking her, and slapping her.. One time I was in the room and saw him kicking her. She was laying on the floor crying and saying "please stop why are you doing this. I won't do that again" I FLIPPED OUT! I called the police on him. Since that time, 2 years ago, I can not get myself to think anything but hatred for him. I keep picturing her in my mind laying on the floor, I keep hearing her beg him to stop.. The tears flow each time. I have told her time and time again that I do not approve of him due to the fact that he hit her, she denies it...???????? Little by little our relationship has fizzled out. Yesterday, she left my home for good. It broke my heart to see her go. I am still crying and just can not stop. She has stopped talking to me before, and then came to me and said she didn't want to be mad anymore. Then it just continued again. She tells me that she does not want to see me or hear from me ever again. That she hates me and always will. She says our home is a mess...(sometimes is) but the reason is, I work overnights full time. I am very tired everyday...We can't fiqure out why yet. I get sick sometimes, and I let the dishes or housework go. But it was her, and her oldest sister, age 25. Neither o!ne of them does anything! I just can not keep up with it all myself. She told me that I made her stay upstairs in her room (loft) while it was steaming hot...(and it is) but she got a portable a/c and hung the part that is suppose to go out the window and blow out the hot air, downstairs in the living room where I sleep. (I have severe asthma, so I could hardly breathe) all she kept saying was: you have an a/c down there! with the heat blowing down, the a/c did nothing. (Yes I sleep on the couch so my children can have their own rooms) I am divorced, age 58, my ex lives with a girlfriend, where? I don't know, he is hiding from me. My children know, but will not tell me. idc anymore anyways. She told me not to try to get ahold of her and she is blocking my number. I have NEVER been as sad as I am right now. I honestly do not want to continue living. That is how hurtful this is. I don't know where she is staying. I assume with him. She used to go see him from Thursdays to Mondays then home....etc etc....All I am doing is crying. I see my therapist in the morning, but I know that the pain will not subside by just talking to her. The other day she said F*ou to me and I got angry and told her she can talk to her trampy friend like that but do not talk to me like that! She said "who? my fiancee' ? (ugh) I said yes, your fiancee' !!!! I have never seen any engagement ring. She does modeling, acting etc...He works at K-Mart. When he is not working, al he does is play shooting games on the computer. (he is 23?) I used to hear her talking to him when she was home, and the swearing was unreal. I would cringe! She says he is very very good to her. He does say she is a great girlfriend, etc.. and she always calls him baby....(just threw up in my mouth a little) cuz i look at thier instragams. He lives with his mother and step dad. His mother writes my daughter "love letters" We love you like our own, you are family, etc etc etc... I am so so very lost right now, I do not know what to do. I miss us so much and my heart is broken!
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2016
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry for your pain. I would have called the police too if anyone hit my minor child.

    your daughter is of legal age now and, as hard as it is, the best way to not antaganize her more is to stay out of her choices. Obviously your daughter needs help, but not from you. She needs professional help. But you cant make her get any. You cant change her feelings for this loser (if he still hits her) by talking trash sbout him and you can't make her leave him. You can only be there if she comes to you. If you hate on him and she lives him you will turn them into Romeo and Juliette. Don't do it anymore.

    Sounds like you are too much in her life. She swears? So what. Her boyfriend doesn't have a high paying job? That is not your business. She has to leave the relationship. Nothing you say can make her do that. She doesnt want your involvement.

    There is a new pop therapy where young adult kids are told to leave and stop contacting theit toxic parents (and toxic can mean anything). It is mean and hurtful and the adults who hurt their parents dont care if they hurt us. There are forums just for estranged parents. They probably would understand your pain more than here.

    Put "estranged parents of adult children" and "rejected parents of adult children" in your search engine and you will find forums. Start reading and maybe posting. In rejected parents of adult children, there is slso a good book about this. All the parents there were dumped like trash by their adult kids. Most dont even know why. But it is a mean trend in an age where family doesnt mean what it used to mean. Parents are disposible.

    in the meantime, maybe set boundaries and rules in your home. No 25 year old should still with you without working full time, paying rent and being clean and respectful to you. They do not respect us if we let them walk all over us. This is often a dynamic in estrangement...we allowed them to treat us poorly.

    Although it hurts, on the sites for estrangement, many women learn to live with estrangement and see it in a new light and learn to realize that kids who would cut out their mothers hearts often are mentally ill, especially with things such as borderline personality disorder. Google that up and see if your daughter may fit that diagnosis.

    Right now give her space and let her come to you. We, as parents, want to fix and change our kids if we feel they are in danger, but if thay are 18 or over, there is nothing we can do. In this day and age, where family is easily discarded, you accomplish nothing by trying to interfer. It is not rare for a significant other to be chosen over a parent. This happened to me, Im not sure what I did, but it has been over ten years now and I grieved and no longer wonder. I focus on my own life, as should you,and my other kids and husband and others who are kind to me. But I never tell my grown kids what to do. They often come to me to confide and I am there to hug them and be there for them, but they make their own choices. I did that with my estranged son too, but we adopted him at six from an orphanage in another country and he had attachment issues...I realize now that expecting him to bond like infants do was unrealistic. I still had to grieve the loss of him.

    You will get through thus. Look up the sites for estranged parents. You will get advice and love from those in the trenches of this. I recommend not going yo Dr. Josh Colemsns sight, but all the others are very helpful. Dr. Coleman always blames the parent and that hurts a lot of us.

    Read those forums top to bottom and then decide what to do next and if you feel suicidal go yo the emergency room. Nobody should have so much power over you that you take your life, not even a probably disturbed adult child. And refrain, if she does get in touch, from doing much more than listening. She loves this loser and you can't change that. Only she can decide to change it.

    I hope you find solace in the forums I directed you to. more over involvement in your adult daughter's sad love life. And set some boundaries for your oldest. You dont want her to think you are her doormat.

    Estrangements are VERY common when there has been a contentious divorce, but you'll read about that on the other forums. Often one of the parents tries to alienate even grown kids agsinst the other parent and often it works. Especially if that parent has more money and yhe adult children are not the nicest people.

    Good luck. I hope you get help from the estranged forums. We have great parents here, but most have no idea about estrangement from a child. Unless youve been through that kind of living death, sometimes you assume its rare or that it has to be the parents fault. Neither are true.

    Be well and back off. Dont contact your daughter or torture yourself reading her Face Book. She is too old for you to be spying on her thtough her cell phone. Unless you stop snooping on her and trying to control her, as if she is a minor, she will stay estranged.
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    Last edited: Aug 18, 2016
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Reading your post agsin, I see many red flags for estrangement. one is that gour daughter is troubled snd cuts you off at will. Often they do this before the final estrangement

    Secondly there is a secret relationship with your ex.

    Do go to those sites. You need to learn how to take good care of yourself.

    And do look up borderline oersonality disorder. And stop sacrificing your comfort for grown kids. They will not respect or appreciate it. You should not sleep on the couch so that they are comfortable. They are not ten years old. They are both old enough to be out if the house. If they think your house is messy, they can clesn it or move out, as your youngest did.

    You need to build an identity of your own. It can be done. You can still be happy. If your therapist doesnt help you. find another one.

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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Susan:

    Sorry that you are in so much pain. If your therapist isn't helping maybe you should seek another that you can better connect with? What about medication for you for depression and nerves?

    I think that your daughter is not treating you right and you need to work on creating healthy boundaries and detaching from her. Like SWOT said, she has to live her own life and make her own mistakes and there is nothing you can do about it. She obviously is where she wants to be. We cannot live their life and no matter how much we see them making bad choices, they have to learn on their own.

    I also think that neither of your daughters are treating you with respect and you deserve that. I agree that a 25 year old should be working and paying rent to you or live on her own.

    Keep posting because this will also help you. We understand!
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  6. SusanF

    SusanF New Member

    Hi RNO441...My oldest daughter does work full time and does contribute to the bills. I saw my therapist today and I left feeling a little bit better. Now I am a wreak again. Suppose to go to a spiritual retreat tomorrow for the weekend but I just don't think I could do it. I would be crying the entire time. My daughter just came here a little while ago to get more of her things, and did not say a word to me. The pain is so intense....I can't imagine never seeing or talking to her again. My <3 is so broken...I miss her already and it has only been 2 days.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    You are writing the end of the story. I was taught on this forum never to do that. We don't know what the end is!

    I think you should go and take some time for YOU.

    I'm glad your oldest daughter pitches in. Maybe she could help you clean to. We are too good to our kids sometimes.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susan, read my suggestions on your General Parenting thread. Sadly, I know a lot about estrangement. It is s living death to us andcruel on the childs part.

    I would try this site for true understanding from other estranged parents. They have been through exactly what you are going through and are wiser than wise about estrangement. Grief is involved here. Dont let her meanness destroy you. You are a person aside from her andtbis topic is dear to my heart. You can do this. I did.

    Do visit it and hugs.
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2016
  9. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. The dynamic of abusers separating their victims from friends and family is very typical. It is easier to maintain the cycle of abuse if the abuser feels that the victim has no "out" or nowhere to turn. It may even be likely that your daughter's boyfriend's mother has been a victim of abuse, too. Abusers often learn their behavior at home.

    Unfortunately, your daughter is an adult and there is nothing you can do to get her out of this relationship. All you can do is make sure she knows that, no matter what, you will be there to help her if she needs you. Leave the lines of communication open, at least on your end, and, hopefully, she will come around before it is too late.

    Continue with your counseling, and do consider some medication for depression.

    Good luck.
  10. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You are in a very tough situation. Best advice we got in the same situation was
    1. Keep lines of communication open. Hard as it might be not to, bad mouthing the boyfriend just drives her away from you. Let her know you love her and you are there for her to live a healthy life.
    2. Keep yourself strong so you can be there when she wants out of the abusive relationship. Do things for you. Eat right, exercise, organize your environment, keep in contact with family and friends, etc
    3. Pray. For us this was part of #2

    Unfortunately, for us leaving idiot #1 was quickly followed by hooking up with idiot #2, then 3, etc. Eventually you realize you have to get off the roller coaster because it's no way to live.