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Substance Abuse
My 21 yrs old son smoking pot & under academic probation with fake grades
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 599199" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there hon. Sorry you had to join us. I have some thoughts and you can take them or leave them.</p><p></p><p>First of all, it is dang hard to even do pre-medication. I have two nieces were got straight A's in high school and wanted to go to pre-medication. Both decided it was too much and changed majors. Honestly, pre-medication is very difficult...these are brilliant girls who work very hard and are doing well in college now, but in different fields. Your husband needs to back off. You need to try to make him understand this. It is about what your son wants to do, not about what HE wants for your son. Some kids do try very hard to please their parents and feel very frustrated and angry too when they let them down. That is one thing you MAY have control of. It all depends on the personality of your husband.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your son from smoking pot. I am going to take a liberty here, risk getting bashed, and say that if your son is smoking pot only once a week, and that was the worst of it, that's not really a big deal. Sorry, folks, I don't think it is...anymore than having one beer a week is a big deal to most people. Having said that, my guess is that your son's grades plummeted because he is smoking pot MUCH MORE than one time a week and is maybe doing other drugs and some heavy drinking too. If he really is just recreationally using pot once a week, many high achievers do that...there has to be more to it. But again...that little niggle in my mind tells me that your son is more into drugs than you know. Most of us underestimate our children's drug use. So what can you do if you find out he is high 24/7 and also does other drugs and drinks?</p><p></p><p>Absolutely nothing except tell him that if he doesn't go to rehab, the money stops. No cell phone. No internet. No living at home anymore until he tries to get off the drugs. Certainly do not waste money paying for any more college until you have straightened out how much he is taking drugs. As long as he is living under your roof, you have th e right to check his room, his Facebook, and his cell phone (especially if he uses it on your dime). You set the rules at home. You must understand one thing: YOU CAN NOT FORCE HIM TO STOP! You can only control one person completely and totally and that is YOU.</p><p></p><p>If you are not in therapy or have never gone to a Nar-Anon meeting, I suggest one or both. You can learn to be good to yourself and detach from your son's poor choices. I am currently in Al-Anon as I had a codependency slip. I find it soothing and helpful and gets my mind off of my son, the one who right now is struggling. I can't fix him either any more than you can fix your son. You can't force your son to actually be engaged in counseling either. In fact, you can't force him to go at his age if he doesn't want to go. Even if he shows up for counseling to avoid a hassell with you, you can't make it work for him. ONLY HE CAN. It is 100% in his ball court. We are mothers and like to think we can fix our grown kids, but we can't.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you came. Lots of experience and help is here. I hope you do something to help YOU since you can not do a thing to force your son to either spill the entire can of beans or stop whatever he is doing that is damaging him. But try to learn not to enable him in his poor choices. And try to talk to your spouse about his control freak issues too.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck. Keep posting!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 599199, member: 1550"] Hi there hon. Sorry you had to join us. I have some thoughts and you can take them or leave them. First of all, it is dang hard to even do pre-medication. I have two nieces were got straight A's in high school and wanted to go to pre-medication. Both decided it was too much and changed majors. Honestly, pre-medication is very difficult...these are brilliant girls who work very hard and are doing well in college now, but in different fields. Your husband needs to back off. You need to try to make him understand this. It is about what your son wants to do, not about what HE wants for your son. Some kids do try very hard to please their parents and feel very frustrated and angry too when they let them down. That is one thing you MAY have control of. It all depends on the personality of your husband. Secondly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your son from smoking pot. I am going to take a liberty here, risk getting bashed, and say that if your son is smoking pot only once a week, and that was the worst of it, that's not really a big deal. Sorry, folks, I don't think it is...anymore than having one beer a week is a big deal to most people. Having said that, my guess is that your son's grades plummeted because he is smoking pot MUCH MORE than one time a week and is maybe doing other drugs and some heavy drinking too. If he really is just recreationally using pot once a week, many high achievers do that...there has to be more to it. But again...that little niggle in my mind tells me that your son is more into drugs than you know. Most of us underestimate our children's drug use. So what can you do if you find out he is high 24/7 and also does other drugs and drinks? Absolutely nothing except tell him that if he doesn't go to rehab, the money stops. No cell phone. No internet. No living at home anymore until he tries to get off the drugs. Certainly do not waste money paying for any more college until you have straightened out how much he is taking drugs. As long as he is living under your roof, you have th e right to check his room, his Facebook, and his cell phone (especially if he uses it on your dime). You set the rules at home. You must understand one thing: YOU CAN NOT FORCE HIM TO STOP! You can only control one person completely and totally and that is YOU. If you are not in therapy or have never gone to a Nar-Anon meeting, I suggest one or both. You can learn to be good to yourself and detach from your son's poor choices. I am currently in Al-Anon as I had a codependency slip. I find it soothing and helpful and gets my mind off of my son, the one who right now is struggling. I can't fix him either any more than you can fix your son. You can't force your son to actually be engaged in counseling either. In fact, you can't force him to go at his age if he doesn't want to go. Even if he shows up for counseling to avoid a hassell with you, you can't make it work for him. ONLY HE CAN. It is 100% in his ball court. We are mothers and like to think we can fix our grown kids, but we can't. I'm glad you came. Lots of experience and help is here. I hope you do something to help YOU since you can not do a thing to force your son to either spill the entire can of beans or stop whatever he is doing that is damaging him. But try to learn not to enable him in his poor choices. And try to talk to your spouse about his control freak issues too. I wish you luck. Keep posting! [/QUOTE]
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My 21 yrs old son smoking pot & under academic probation with fake grades
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