The extend of the raging, the severity of it all, is an indication of how desperately frustrated and distraught she is feeling. Not that this excuses the behaviour, but if you understand the depths of her despair, it makes it easier for you to help her.
When they're raging, it's too late. You can't do a thing then except wait it out. What you need (where possible, and it takes a little time and a lot of patience) is to help her head off the rages.
What triggered tonight's meltdown? You've not said what, but I'm going to guess - you stopped her having or doing something she had her heart set on, something she had told herself she was going to get. It might have been a takeaway meal, it might have been a game she was playing, a TV show she was either watching or wanting to watch - you came along and changed the expectations. (I'm not saying you did the wrong thing, only that for her, you were the reason she didn't get what she was expecting).
As a result, she gets angry with you, because you are the cause (in her eyes).
I'm going to have another guess here - I'm going to guess that you wanted compliance NOW. This is another major and common trigger. And they are worse, much worse, at the end of a day and when they are extra tired.
But what can you do? You have to teach them compliance, you have to teach them to follow rules, or you will become slave to the child.
It can be done. At first it does seem like you are spoiling the child, but it's not (if you do it right). You need to keep the thought in your mind, she needs extra help transitioning from one task to another, and in changing her expectations.
I'll give you some examples - today we were out nearly all day. Unless you live in a regional centre or major city, you will be like us - you have a long drive to go to the regional centre and you make sure, when you DO go, that you get everything else done too while you can.
So it was a long day today. difficult child 3 had to come along too.
By the end of the day he was getting tired. He had his drama class performance, then he wanted a reward - a slurpee (like a snow cone in a big cup). I was too busy with a last minute errand to take time out to go get a slurpee so I had to say no.
He is used to being permitted to have a slurpee most weeks after drama class, so his expectations were, "I will have a slurpee." Then here was I, suddenly changing things and destroying his expectations.
He argued. "I'm thirsty, it's a hot day, I always have one, the place isn't far away..." you get the drift. Every time I drove further in the opposite direction there was an exasperated whine from his seat.
But I'm lucky - he's now old enough to listen to a bit of reason. "I'm sorry, I just can't do it today, we have had unexpected changes to our plans and I have to hurry across the next few suburbs to go fetch two people and bring them home. Tonight just isn't working out for you," I told him. "But we have to come back here tomorrow afternoon to see the pediatrician, we should have more time then to get a slurpee."
This changed his distress at "no slurpee" to "maybe slurpee tomorrow" which lowers the anxiety metre enough for him to maintain control. By tomorrow he may have forgotten about it and not even ask for one. If he asks, and we have time and opportunity, I will happily buy him one.
And because he knows I will buy him one if it is reasonable to do so, again his anxiety on the topic is reduced, and he becomes less frantic in his insistence.
A lot of this boils down to anxiety. They get anxious that we will stymie all their fun, that WE are totally controlling every little thing in their life and they therefore can't prepare themselves mentally for what to expect. The reason our kids like to have control, is because this helps them not be taken by surprise.
Example 2 - we are going to the town to the shopping complex. difficult child 3 is DESPERATE to come too. He doesn't say why (I can guess!) but simply says, "Oh, good."
We arrive, but I drive right past the shopping centre and park at the medical centre. he begins to get frantic. "You drove the wrong way. This isn't the shopping complex - why are we here? Take me to the complex NOW!"
"Why do you have to go to the shopping complex?" I ask him.
"Because I need to see if they have [mentions some obscure computer game]."
The entire time we are at the medical centre, he is frantic that I might decide to just go straight home afterwards and not go shopping after all. Of course, the more frantic he gets, the worse his behaviour, which would tempt any sane parent to change their minds and not go shopping - but this is the worst thing you could do, because you have just proved his fears to have merit; he was RIGHT to be anxious!
What we do now - I assure him that we WILL go to the shopping complex and I WILL allow him to look for the game. If he feels safe in my assertion (ie if he trusts me) then he will calm down. Not completely maybe, but enough to not go into meltdown.
When he was younger he would get frantic that the game would be in the shop, maybe at a big discount, and if we didn't buy it then it mightn't be there next time. So we instituted "family shop". This is where I buy it, but he can't have it until he has paid me for it (pocket money, or by doing extra chores, or both). Only one item at a time can be in the family shop except for exceptional circumstances (shop closing down sale, for example) and the item must be redeemed before he goes and buys anything else.
This way he relaxes a bit, knowing that the game is safe from being purchased by someone else, but he is still motivated to earn the game.
As a result, he's learned to shop around for the best price and to be careful about his choices (when younger, he would want everything he saw, he was a sucker for advertising).
Example 3 - it's evening and time for difficult child 3's bath. I USED to say, "difficult child 3, turn off that computer game NOW and go have your bath."
Failure to do what he was told would result in the game being turned off, which would often trigger a meltdown. The meltdown would then be punished with difficult child 3 being sent to his room, the tantrums would continue even louder and it would escalate until the bath went cold, dinner wasn't cooked and he fell asleep in total exhaustion. Next day he would be resentful, angry, sullen and uncooperative. And still not bathed.
So we analysed what was happening - when playing a computer game (or drawing a picture, or doing homework, or reading a book) he needed time to prepare to change what he was doing. Even if he was doing something he didn't especially enjoy, he still needed time to change. With a computer game, for example, he needed to g et to a point where he could save the game. With reading a book, he wanted to get to the end of a chapter, or maybe the end of a paragraph. This is actually very logical.
Here is how we solved the problem - "difficult child 3, your bath is ready. How long before you can stop what you are doing and go have your bath?"
(by giving him some say, he has control - which he needs, to keep anxiety in check).
difficult child 3 would reply, "I will be ready in five minutes, maybe a little less."
So I would write the time on a post-it note with the word "bath", and stick it to the computer screen or his book (whatever was in his eye). Five minutes later if he was still not complying (and it's generally not naughtiness, regardless of what grandparents will tell you) then I would again draw his attention to it.
"difficult child 3, I told you to have your bath, you said you would be ready by now. Stop what you are doing and go have your bath."
Often, especially when we were getting started, he would get angry, indignant and insist I hadn't told him - this is where I could point to the post-it note.
But I still gave a little leeway - we would sort out the best course of action as a team.
"You have to have your bath or it will go cold. Can you pause your game? Or do you need just one more minute? If you say that one minute is enough, then you must let me shut it off if you are wrong and I know you don't want me to do that. So how about you save the game now, and shut if off yourself, or pause it and finish it when you have done what you were asked to do. You choose - but you must be in that bath as soon as possible."
I delayed another five minutes, maybe ten, but after that difficult child 3 was in the bath in good humour, motivated to wash thoroughly but quickly (so he could finish his game properly). Far better than the long tantrum with poor outcome. And also much quicker. A small, considered delay is a lot faster often than insisting on immediate compliance.
I have worded this at difficult child 3's current level, but if you can narrow down the options to two simple choices spelt out simply, then your child will feel more in control of the situation (this is NOT spoiling) and better able to comply, since you have shown her the way. You have narrowed down the choices to both comply with your requirements and to also meet her needs as well.
The aim here is for her to learn, with repeated experience, that you are NOT there to make her life miserable, but she has certain responsibilities which, for the sake of the family and harmony, she must also do. She will learn that you are there to assist and not merely to be a nuisance and torment to her.
They do learn these things fast. They learn bad behaviour fast; they learn ways out of it just as fast.
When they are tired or hungry, compliance is reduced and anxiety is up. You will have more problems. This is why I keep food at the ready - good food, not snacky rubbish. Kids coming home from school and wanting to eat NOW - I had cooked sausages and fruit ready to serve in the fridge. The kids learned to raid this food and eat their fill. If it spoiled their appetites - so what? They had just snacked on what WAS to be their dinner. If they ate it at 5 pm instead of 8 pm, I was still happy. Too often, especially when they were younger, they would be too tired to eat if I made them wait until 8 pm. Then they would go to bed hungry and wake cranky far too early, dragging me out of bed to get their breakfast. Then I would be tired and cranky!
I mentioned "The Explosive Child" - this is a fragment of what the book taught us. Not in specific detail, the book just laid the groundwork and made it possible for us to get this working, fast. There are specifics in the book but it is all able to be adapted to your family's routine.
We're at the end of the year, we're all tired, it reduced the coping skills for ALL of us. That's when the wheels fall off. And the fall off for us too, we're by no means perfect. But the more times that it works positively for you, the more successes, the more it will continue to work well for you. It's a positive feedback loop all on its own. That's the really wonderful thing for us. And for you too.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helped.
Marg
) but it seems you have a lot more experience and knowledge in these things than I do. Everything I have read of ADHD describes her almost perfectly. Could the above things I've mentioned be ADHD and not Aspergers ? I'm really just after some opinions, please. Just being able to communicate with you all like this is a little piece of sanity ! Thank you !
