my 6 yr old brings me to tears

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by clisa99, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. clisa99

    clisa99 losingxmyxmind

    my 6 yr old has not been diagnosed with anything as of yet. his screening is thursday evening but i do not think i can stand to be around him until then.

    he was doing really good from aug to dec now his defiance, anger, tantrums, cursing, agression are all back in full swing. i dont know how he made it so long with good behavior both home and at school but last week i had to pick him up 1x from school then the other 2 he was sent to the office...

    he didn't get sent to the office 1x the first half of the school year. everyone says "something has happened that has caused this" but everything is the same. no one has passed away, his routine, diet are the same as they were in nov.

    he makes me hate life. some days like today i just dont want to be his mom anymore. the idea that i may have to miss work again killls me as i am a single mom and have no one else who can pick him up and spend the day trying to calm him down/punish him.

    i dont know what happened that made him revert back to this after such a long, good, period but my dad has stage 4 lung cancer and i cant even focus on him because of my son's behavior.

    i don't know 1 single person who hsa child like mine. not 1. i go to church with him every sunday and there are big families there. no one has a child who acts like mine does. no one at work complains or has to leave for a bad child.

    i feel completely out of control and hopeless
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    welcome to the board. Our weekends are usually a little slow in regards to posting, but there is plenty of support and advice that will be coming your way.

    First, we understand. We understand the sentiment of loving but not liking our difficult children as they take control of our lives. What helps that feeling? Taking back control.

    Taking that control back is exactly what you are in line to do. Taking difficult child for screening Thursday is a first step. Hopefully the testing will bring about some changes. Often having a diagnosis is the first step in helping our difficult children gain some control back in their lives, as well as ours! From there you can begin treatment; usually a combination of medicine, therapy, accomodations at school, behavior modifications, etc.

    The second piece is making sure you take some time to nuture yourself. As a single mom, I know it's tough. Sometimes you just have to take that time after bedtime to read a good book, take a bubble bath, or phone an old friend. But it is important to do something for you.

    A couple questions for you. Has you son been diagnosed in the past or placed on medication? You say that he was doing really well from Aug to December. Was it this bad last year at school? What was done for him at that time? What kind of screening is he having on Thursday? Is this the first in the screening process? Our difficult children usually benefit the most from a multidisciplinary evaluation (which is a complete testing screen done by doctors in different disciplines) or pediatric neuropdoc evaluations. Often times the process of figuring out what is going on with our children is long and complicated.

    I'm sorry to hear about your father. It is a heavy load you are carrying right now. Is biodad completely out of the picture? What type of medical history is there in the family (on both sides)? Any mental, emotional, or substance abuse issues? Genetics play a big piece with our difficult children.

    You may have to sit down and have an honest conversation with your boss. Is there any way you can make up the time you are missing by taking work home? They have to understand that your son needs you most now.

    Listen, I'm glad you are here. You may not have known anyone with a child like yours before, but you are on your way to knowing hundreds now! You are not alone. We will be here along side of you for whatever you need.

    Last edited: Jan 11, 2009
  3. davey327

    davey327 Karen S

    ...and nobody understands? I know where you're coming from, we are the gaurdians of twins with numerous problems. They look normal so everyone thinks they are normal, and in a lot of ways they are, but in some they are not. I feel judged by many people, like the children's problems are because we don't parent them correctly. But only we know, and only you know, what goes on in your home, behind closed doors so to speak. We know what our children are really like. They only see the outside picture, we live with the inside ones.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the site! I am glad you found us.

    You mentioned your dad being ill, could difficult child be stressing about that? I know my difficult child began to fear for everyone's life after a friend's mom had cancer. If she could not reach me while she was at her dad's she would break down into tears with worry. Maybe your difficult child acts out? Just a thought.

    I feel for you not having someone around to help. It is one of the things that saved me. Do you have any friends with a teenager? Maybe even a hour for you getting out of the house for coffe or to Barnes & Noble would help. Is there anyone that can come in for a bit?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Welcome to the board. I doubt you have a "bad" child. He probably has some sort of disorder/disability causing him to have trouble. I have a few questions that could help us help you. Also, you may want to do a signature below, like I do. Ok, the qeustions:

    1/Is he going to see a neuropsychologist? They do the best, longest, and most intensive evaluations. I recommend them above all others.

    2/Are there any psychiatric disorders or substance abuse on either side of his genetic family tree, even if Dad hasn't seen him for a long time. Genes are genes. They get passed along even when the other parent isn't around. Has he ever been abused?

    3/How was his early development? I'll list the areas:
    eye contact with strangers
    did he play with toys appropriately or did he dismantle them, throw them or line them up?
    Any sensitivies to light, sound, noise?
    Can he transition from one activity to another?
    How did he and does he now relate to his same-age peers?
    Is he socially clueless?
    Any obsessions?
    Any strange noises or hand movements (arm flapping, lip smacking, high pitched vocalizations, turning lights on and off)
    How does he do in school?
    Can he hold a give-and-take conversation?

    Weekends are slow. Others will come along.
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. We can all relate to what you are going through on some level. You are no longer alone!!! Don't feel so bad about not wanting to be his mother anymore, most of us have felt that way about our children at one time or another. These kids are very difficult and do not come with a handbook. I have had plenty of days that I just wanted to run away!!!

    Just wanted to welcome you. This place is amazing. It has truly been a blessing in my life. The wonderful people here have given me so much strength.

    I am so sorry about your dad.

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  7. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Oh honey, I know, I know. You will find BIG shoulders here to cry on, and to listen. There's also alot of wonderful advice. You're in the beginning of this journey and I think it's the hardest becuase you just don't know why things are happening. Just deep breaths and hold on, get the tests done and see what the results are. AND write here to all these wonderful people who will help you.

    My son sounds just like yours. He's 9yrs old now, and it's about the same. Just different now that he's older. His constant problems got me fired this year, and I knew any other job would be the same result so I'm trying to survive off of doing free lance. Its the only way that I can control our schedules. Like LittleDudesMom says...take back control. One thing for me that was stressing me out to the point of nausia was that I was always late to work, always leaving cuz the school called or doctor appointments, etc. The disapproval on my boss's face and his verbal disapproval just made everything worse. Now I make my own schedule and "I" feel more in control. It's a small thing, but it has helped.

    About why things may be worse right now. Could something have happened at school that you don't know? I'd ask about anything happening with him and a student or staff. You just don't know.

    Well hangin there, and know that we too have kids like yours. You're not alone.
  8. clisa99

    clisa99 losingxmyxmind

    hello all

    thank you so much for responding. i feel like i am going to soon be diagnosed with depression myself if life continues to be this way with him.

    i am not sure what "type" of doctor is seeing him thursday. i will call tomorrow and find out. the place is a mental health services facility though.

    my sister has Down's and my brother has adhd with some type of Turrets also.

    unlike them, Mario is able to absorb info. he is very smart, knows his math, reading words, so he has no problem learning. he just gets so mad, he can't behave and makes really poor choices.

    he is very shy, takes a while to warm up to people, even those he sees on a reg basis sometimes like my parents... he can relate with his peers until he gets angry.

    when playing with toys he likes to organize them, line them up. he does not take them apart though

    his anger gets the best of him. he starts swearing at me, i dont think he has said curse words to teachers but he calls them "stupid idiot" he throws things, screams at the top of his lungs ( i am surprised my neighbors have not called the cops yet)

    then he will start saying things about himself like "i am a stupid idiot. i can't listen. i'm a dumb boy. i hate the way God made me"

    he sometimes really opens up and says that he's the only one who gets yelled at here or there. he told me the other day he was mad because his italian teacher at school would not call on him... we never know what will set him off

    He did have these behaviors last year but his teacher at VPK was able to handle him. she knew how to make him behave. the help i sought out last year was no help at all. finally in aug i though we had figured it out and he did so well till dec but now its back to the way it was before so i am hoping that some way some how we can get the help we need.
  9. pleez_help

    pleez_help New Member

    Just want to let you know that I know how you feel. I too feel as though I don't want to be his mom anymore. It is sad how one difficult child can make you second guess yourself so much.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    We are all here for are not alone any more.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, CLisa.
    Well, for all of the families you don't know who have kids like yours, you've certainly found a lot here! We're all in the same boat.
    Please read The Explosive Child. It will help a lot.
    I am so glad you have an appointment. Thurs.
    I know it will be the longest four days you've had in a long time, but I hope it will yield results.
    One thing you can start to do, is to learn how to detach. He is not doing this to drive you insane or make you hate him. He has no clue as to his impact on you. Really. When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see, but these kids are clueless. So try not to take it personally.
    Can you get a sitter to be with-him for a while, just an hr a day, while you visit your dad? Is your dad in hospice at home?
    Take care.
  12. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    I want to offer my welcome, also. I'm a stay at home mom of 4 3 that live with me. I have an 18 year old difficult child and a 7 yr old difficult child. My 7 year old doesn't cuss or get in trouble at school, but here at home? OMG. He is a different child. He has broken my wrist, and he was hospitalized in October for the violence towards me and his sisters. We do understand and know how you feel.

    Huge Hugs to you

  13. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I just wanted to jump in and welcome you and also send you some support. It isn't easy beinga parent of a difficult child at times, and it is even harder when you are a single parent handling them.

    I'm sending you some hugs. The others have given you some great input.

  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding my welcome. You truly are not along. When my difficult child was 6 I could definitely be brought to tears by him. There are truly many days when I don't like my difficult child and feel like running away-I always love him but like him not always.

    It is soooo important to take care of you. If not it makes taking care of your difficult child even more difficult. Hugs.
  15. clisa99

    clisa99 losingxmyxmind

    thank you so much. i do feel a little better knowing you all understand, i am so glad i came upon this site.

    my dad does not have hospice yet. he just was diagnosed in Dec and decided to do chemo because it will help him live to about 13 months instead of just 6 unless of course the chemo makes him sick or he contracts illness we just pray for the best.

    "woofens"...i cannot believe your son broke your wrist. omg. that is terrible! i don't know how you are strong enough to deal with it. you have incredible inner strength! mine spit on me today and i thought that was bad!

    "hanging-on" i dont know what i will do if i lose my job. i pray that God will not allow that to happen to me. i have nothing i can do on the side, no way to start a business of my own and suporrt us both.

    the thing is is that his dad just moved down to our area, and does want to be involved and help me out. but he moved his family into a nudist colony! i haven't talked to 1 person who thinks letting my son go there is wise and i dont feel comfortable with it either. i did go and check it out for myself because if i didnt then i'd never know how things are over there. i wish with all my heart that he could be involved and maybe that will help a little but i guess i just have to deal on my own...
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    In regard to your dad, I know there are kids who have been raised naturally, so to speak ... when they are in a supportive environment, and everyone is on the same page, that's fine, but your philosophies (yours and your dad's) are very different, and your son is extremely impulsive and immature. Plus, he's too old. You've really got to do that from age 1, b4 kids develop a natural self-awareness.
    A nudist colony is not the place for him.You've got enough on your plate. Follow your own instincts on this one.
  17. clisa99

    clisa99 losingxmyxmind

    thank u so much for your imput on the nudist's actually my son's father who lives there not my own so i guess until he decides his son is important enough that he will move out i just have to try to stay strong
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? He sounds like he could be on the high end of the autism spectrum/Aspergers. Lining up toys is a big clue. These kids tend to be above average in intelligence, but socially clueless. They may try to make friends, but they annoy other kids and don't know how to do it appropriately. Does he make good eye contact with people, including strangers? Can he transition from one activity to another? These kids can be very volatile until they are getting the right interventions. Here is an article for you to look at.If he is on the Spectrum, medications won't solve the problem. There are very specific interventions that can give these kids wonderful futures. I have a spectrum kid who got a lot of wrong diagnosis. first. He's doing GREAT now. I would NOT trust just a therapist for a diagnosis. Had enough of those and they tended to be wrong because they don't know how to test these kids. If he has this, and I don't know if he does, Aspergers kids tend to get a lot better with the right interventions, as opposed to mental illnesses, which often get worse as the child gets older. I'd look into it.
  19. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Hi and Welcome! I too am like you, where I do love my difficult child, but sometimes she's very difficult to "like". Thinking about K-3rd grade it's like a never ending temper tantrum from her!! She still doen'st have a door to her room (pulled it off the hinges at age 5) plus holes and writing on the walls. I've given up decorating my house and we will not buy new furniture or household stuff.

    does your difficult child have an IEP at school? wondering if they could give him some Social worker time - teaching him how to cope with his emotional ups and downs. It occurred to me this year that I need to keep the other kids safety a priority when difficult child gets nasty. She started acting out in class in 3rd grade (up until then she'd "shut down" and become unresponsive). So wanted to warn you that the behavior at home may spill over into the class.

    Even tho it might be too late, but I've found the parent report is very helpful when seeing a new doctor. Plus it keeps all your info in one place! I've found over the years that difficult child's medical history is blending all together and I can't remember specifics like I used to....

    hope you find this place informative!
  20. clisa99

    clisa99 losingxmyxmind

    w went to see a psychiatrist (i thought) last night. he didnt seem too helpful. he suggessted therapy but he could not get a word out of my child!

    today was report card day. he has all Excellents in his academics (1 S in music) but his behaviors were "Needs improvement" the psychiatric said he is ODD and maybe ADHD. i dont agree with the ADHD at all. my brother has it and i dont think my son would be doing so much better than the other students academically if he hada problem concentrating

    the ODD maybe...but he cannot geta grip on his anger. he gets so damn angry and then i get angry and i cry in private because i just dont know what is wrong!! the doctor we saw just didnt seem like he'd be able to provide the help i need and i dont know what to do.

    heis very negative about himself too saying things when he knows he is in trouble. even when he is not in trouble but thinks he is he has a tantrum and then says things to himself like "i am a stupid idiot. i'm just a dumb kid who cant listen..."

    i think it is a little more than ODD here doctor!!! UGH