My adult daughter stole from me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sandi66, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. sandi66

    sandi66 New Member

    Looking for some advise. My adult daughter stole from me!!! She is lazy about holding a job, lives on her own (attempts) barely surviving. I feel she has become someone from an extreme lower class of life. I do not like the way she lives. Only works to absolutely get buy. I feel that the way she is may be my fault because I have always been there to help her out. The other day, while at my home, she had to renew a license (she seemed to not care) but it was for to be able to keep working in her line of work. I asked my husbance to give her his debit card to process on line. He did and she used it. Well unknow to us, until late in the evening when I was checking my bank account, we realized she had went to the atm and withdrew 100 from our savings!!! (Yes, I am guilty she has used it before with my permission, so she knew the code). Before finding this out, I thought our card was duplicated from hackers, as it has happened before. I went to her home and confronted her. She denied it until I explained that once I deny this transaction my bank would then notify me with a pictyre of whom was at the atm. She then confessed. My first reaction was to beat the living daylights out of her. Yes I pushed her, screamed at her called her a few names, took my house key away from her and told her she was not welcome in my home. I feel thast she might have stolen from me before but could not prove it. I told her I was extremely ashamed of her and could not to bear to even look at her. Now understand, I had just paid for her license to be renews, gave her and her boyfriend (along with his daughter) a fairly decent xmas and this is the thanks I get. I did not call the police, I told her that she could not contact me any more to borrow money for gas, groceries or anything. I am no longer helping her. I told her she had 10 days to get car insurance as I was removing her from our family policy. I also had her and her sibling on my health insurance, however that is ending this week due to her age. She has known this for 2 years and still has no motivation to get a full time job. I do not like the life style and the person she has become. I do not know the correct to handle this. I know that I will not be able to sleep as I will wonder if she is eating or how long she will have before she becomes homeless. I am so embarrassed that I cannot even look at my husband (not her biological father). Does anyone have any advice?
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Sandi and welcome to the CD board!

    You have come to the right place. Many of us have experienced what has happened to you. My 26-year-old daughter has stolen from us over the years and is currently kicked out of our home because of it. She is living in a halfway house after spending a month in rehab.

    You are lucky that she doesn't live with you. I would change all of the bank pin numbers and codes and stick with not letting her into your house for a while. When you do, lock up all of your valuables and computers.

    Please don't be embarrassed. These are your daughter's actions . . . not yours. There is a saying here and in Al-anon. . . You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your daughter will have to make changes in her life and you need to just protect yourself at this point.

    We are here for strength and support. I couldn't do it without the wonderful people here. I'm sure more will come along with support and advice.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi there. This is not a story I live, but just sharing a welcome and letting you know that in my uneducated opinion, you did an amazing job handling that. You dont deserve that kind of disrespect and you let her know you are hurt and wont tolerate it. That teaches her more than you can know. I am always inspired by people who make those tough choices and really follow thru.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    First let me say welcome to the board. I am sorry your daughter's behavior lead you to us but glad you found this site. It is a wonderful support group.

    You did good in letting her know that this behavior willnot be tolerated but I do suggest that you find a way to be less reactive for your own protection. If you shove her she can charge you with assault. Same with strong verbal language. So for your own safety, learn to do what you have to do calmly and without esculating things so you do not get hurt.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing, although I agree it is not smart to get physical. She can call the cops on you...of course, then you could have told him she'd stolen from you so she wouldn't have, but I'd just stay away from her for now. I would not pay for her and boyfriend and his kid. I would not buy her groceries. I would cut her off the money tree. Do you think she and maybe boyfriend are drug users and that she steals money for drugs? To me, since that was our situation, that is a big red flag for drug use. Also, drugs can cause immense apathy and lack of interest in getting ahead. I would do NOTHING to encourage her relationship with, what sounds like, a loser boyfriend who can't support his own child, let alone her.

    Maybe you were too lenient with her in the past, but most of us have been. Don't feel bad about that. it is never too late to shock them into realizing that they have to live life as adults and make mature choices. She is 26, I assume, which is way too old to be looking for a handout from Mom. Where is biological dad in all of this? At any rate, you can not change her one bit. Only she can do that. The only person in the world that we can change is ourselves. If you think she may be using drugs, I'd go to Narc-Anon. See if husband will go with you for support. Do it for deserve it.

    Hugz to you and please keep us posted!
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sandi. Do not be embarrassed. Our daughter stole from us many many times and she even stole her sister's credit card and used it to get a tatoo. Ours is a long story involved alcohol and drug abuse, but the long and short of it is that we did take her off our health insurance and we are close to taking her off our auto insurance. She now lives in an apartment and is clean and sober but just one drink away from everything falling apart. She has been fired from every job she's ever had and has no idea how to be financially responsible.

    You did the right thing. If she had stolen from anyone else she would be in jail. It's time for her to grow up and stop expecting you to take care of her. It will be hard to not jump in, it was for me too, but for her own good she needs to learn how to take care of herself honestly. We had to kick our daughter out of the house in horrible snowstorm last year. It broke my heart but there was nothing else we could do.

  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    We have been dealing with this all week. :( She has actually not been successful but it has been so stressful dealing with the bank for hours each day. She has been targeting online accounts , attempted three times since Dec. 28. She also came over here last night,which was scary but we locked all doors. We are setting stellar boundaries and protecting ourselves but it is exhausting. Today, we have decided to give her 5 dollars for cigs when she takes her afternoon medications and giver her coupons for bowling and one ten dollar food card. Yes, she smokes pot . We give her no cash hence the effort to steal. All week I have tried to offer positive ways to get money(I give her money and a fast food meal if she goes to AA/Na meetings and offer to buy her movies ticket (no cash) and take her to dogpark and to engage in positive activities and she has refused but has been relentless about attempting to get HER way. I appreciate support vs. judgment or criticism. I am sometimes hesitant to share honestly on this forum because while I respect that everyone has a different approach, I have chosen to take the stance that she is ill, not bad and it has been a whole hearted effort to keep her out of the criminal justice system which I have for 3.5 years. Currently she is refusing help offered her. (AA/NA) She went to outpatient SA treatment for about 3 individual and 3 group sessions and about 6 random drug tests in Oct. and Nov. It seemed like a waste of time/money as she is adamant that she is not giving up pot. She was Baker acted Nov. 19 for 3 days. I found a dual diagnosis inpatient program but she refuses to sign. She is medication compliant. This is painful. It is not easy. I never give up hope. What I try and reinforce is her going to community college but am hestiant to put on the money right now: did not pay for the classes because of her stability/sobriety level. I do think strucuture helps. I would also like to see her doing one hour of volunteer work a week, involved in Voc. Rehab. and give her op to go to daily meetings and peer group though DBSA with other young adults weekly. I plan to connect hwr with a behavior analyst weekly. She sees p-doctor monthly. P-doctor is closing her clinic and we will be seeing another p-doctor starting in probably March. She has been on the same medications since August,she has been on full strength of Abilify since summer 2010.
  8. sandi66

    sandi66 New Member

    kathy, thank you for the wonderful words. I am so distraught over this. I do not believe she is using drugs, I have never seen any indication of that. She has always been lazy and not wanting to work. I think that is just a character of hers. It has only been a few days since this occurred and it has been tough. I constantly worry and wonder how she is, did I hurt her by the words I said, and so on. Today is her birthday and I want so bad to call and wish her Happy Birthday, but I am afraid if I do, she will think that all is ok. I am so torn.
  9. sandi66

    sandi66 New Member

    I did not mean to get physical with her, but i was so overwelmed with it I could not control it. I do not think she is using drugs, I have not seen any indications of that. She has always been lazy and not wanting to work, that is a charcter of hers that I do not like. As far as her biological dad, we divorced when she was 2.5 years old and her sister was 6 months old. He was a cheater and I could not take the lies and deceitfulness anymore. I moved back to Flordia from Illinois to be with my family and he chose not to see them or pay child support. At times in my life, i worked three jobs to support the three of us. I have been very lucky with both girls, they do not have criminal records, or have never abused drugs. both finished school. My current and best husband, we have been together for 14 years now and married 10 of them. Both girls agree that he is the best that ever happened to us. I do not understand the choices my daughter has made, they way she lives, the lack of interest in working and sometimes the lack of self-care. I and my entire family is not like that. I think when she gets involved with these looser type boys/men; she lowers herself to their level. I beleive that sometimes she chooses those types, because she feels sorry for them. I do not know. Today is her 26th birthday, and I so badly want to call her and wish her happy birthday. but I know if I do, she will think all is well and ok again. I know I have been too lenient with her, always their to help out and save her-maybe I created this. But with this happening it has definitely opened my eyes up to realize that I have to look out for myself and my husband's future. retirement, travel and other things that we deserve to do-not take care of someone that does not want to take care of themselves. This forun is great, I have received a lot of advice, most of it the same. No matter what i do, it hurts terribly. My other daughter, got involved and gave her sister her opinion as well-it was not nice. it seems funny the younger daughter has always been the "older"daughter; she has always been the reponsible one=heck she kept her very first job at the age of 15 for over one year!!!! It is so weird how two very close in age siblings can be so different. I thank you all for your advice and will keep reading the forum for more. I will also keep all posted on what happens.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Sandi - Think about doing the things that make you feel good. If it will make you feel good to call her to wish her a happy birthday then do so. Or maybe text her which is still a little reserved but still wishing her a happy birthday. And really at this point nothing she does is your fault. She is 26 and an adult and the choices are hers. We all make mistakes in the road of parenting but once a kid becomes an adult the choices are thiers. Hugs. TL
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My son stole and stole and stole some more from me until I just had to take a stand. At first he took little amounts like 10 or 20 bucks and I talked myself out of turning him in because he was young and underage. I just yelled at him. He swore he wouldnt do it again. Yeah right. Eventually he forced my hand and I had to call the cops and charge him for forging my checks. It wasnt easy for me but I did it. It really did put the brakes on him. Yes he got in a lot of trouble but I dont think he would have stopped his complete downward spiral if I hadnt done that.

    He did that on his 21st birthday. By the time he went completely through the court stuff he was 22. He is now 25 and he has completed his entire sentence and probation now.
  12. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Sandie: I'm glad that you have found this board, because there are a lot of wise people here who can offer you advice and support. Good luck with your daughter and keep us posted on how she is doing.
  13. KayDay

    KayDay New Member

    I tried to post my similar story but it said under review. Kinda crazy out of sorts at the moment. Im 44 two daughters. My almost 20 year old recently robbed me while I was out of town having oral surgery. Old pieces of expensive jewelry. Im crushed and sickened.