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The Watercooler
My analysis of a difficult child toddler's mind
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 152913" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I really wonder about some parents. Honestly. easy child 2/difficult child 2 comes home from work having seen similar interactions at her checkout. Because she's studying Early Childhood she of course knows it all, but it's interesting to hear her descriptions.</p><p></p><p>Some parents, I believe, set these interactions up deliberately (subconsciously) in order to have a power struggle in which they will win. It's like they need constant affirmation that they are the boss because they are the tough ones and can control their offspring. So they need to KEEP controlling their offspring in order to continue to show themselves that they are in charge.</p><p>These parents could see, if they thought about it, that a confrontation is likely. I've even seen parents like this (who I might be chatting to) quietly say to me, "He's going to want that bike, I'm sure of it. But he can't have it because I just haven't got the money today. And he'll just have to live with it!"</p><p></p><p>I remember one of my SILs, taking her daughter to pre-school. I was staying with them and went along for the drive. The little girl was chatting to me, pointing at things out the window. Her mother had told me earlier that the little girl would cry every day when she was left at pre-school and it was really wearing her down.</p><p>But on this drive - instead of taking advantage of my distracting presence and keeping the little girl happy, the mother interrupted our play to say to her daughter, Now, you're not going to cry today, are you? I don't want to hear from your teachers that you cried when I left. You know I will be back this afternoon to collect you. You will have a really happy day today, won't you?"</p><p>Over and over. "Now, you're not going to cry, are you?"</p><p>And of course, the little girl's lip began to quiver, and she began to cry. At which point, sister in law got exasperated and said, "I told you not to cry! Now come on, be a big brave girl, turn off those tears. It's not going to change anything, I am not taking you back home just because you're crying. What will those other kids think of you, crying like this?"</p><p>On and on.</p><p>I'm convinced it was a control thing, the mother wanting at some level to provoke those tears just to convince herself that her daughter really loved her and couldn't bear to be parted from her.</p><p></p><p>I saw her and my brother do similar things to their older child, too. One time we were staying with them, my nephew was about ten years old and struggling at school (with hindsight, probable Aspie). I was there doing an assignment on their farm animals and spent a lot of time with my nephew and his pet cockatoo. We also all went to the zoo together, and had a great time. On the third day we were to leave and he had to go to school. We were chatting happily over breakfast. When his father said it was time say goodbye to me and husband and to go outside to wait for the bus, the boy just grabbed his bag sullenly and went outside without saying a word. I understood - he didn't want to cry in front of us because he really didn't want us to go. But my brother took off outside and dragged him back. "That was very rude - now you say goodbye nicely to Auntie Marg, what will she think of you, storming off like that?" </p><p>I tried to quietly whisper, "It's OK, I'll miss you too but we had fun and next time we see you we'll have more fun," but he was just too upset.</p><p>My brother was apologising to me, saying he didn't understand his son, couldn't follow why he was so suddenly rude, what a problem child he was at times.</p><p></p><p>And of course, I could say nothing because we had no children at that stage so of course we had no credibility in his eyes on the topic of children. The fact that I was still close enough to childhood myself to remember, was of no account. </p><p></p><p>I love my brother very much and I'd like to think that over the years he's learnt a great deal more compassion. But sister in law hasn't changed much and still sees herself as a different species, from her (now-adult) children. She must always be in control.</p><p></p><p>Her parents were nothing like this - she was an only child who was indulged. I wonder if that's why she's like this with her children. Mind you, I do like her otherwise, it's just her parenting that annoys me.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 152913, member: 1991"] I really wonder about some parents. Honestly. easy child 2/difficult child 2 comes home from work having seen similar interactions at her checkout. Because she's studying Early Childhood she of course knows it all, but it's interesting to hear her descriptions. Some parents, I believe, set these interactions up deliberately (subconsciously) in order to have a power struggle in which they will win. It's like they need constant affirmation that they are the boss because they are the tough ones and can control their offspring. So they need to KEEP controlling their offspring in order to continue to show themselves that they are in charge. These parents could see, if they thought about it, that a confrontation is likely. I've even seen parents like this (who I might be chatting to) quietly say to me, "He's going to want that bike, I'm sure of it. But he can't have it because I just haven't got the money today. And he'll just have to live with it!" I remember one of my SILs, taking her daughter to pre-school. I was staying with them and went along for the drive. The little girl was chatting to me, pointing at things out the window. Her mother had told me earlier that the little girl would cry every day when she was left at pre-school and it was really wearing her down. But on this drive - instead of taking advantage of my distracting presence and keeping the little girl happy, the mother interrupted our play to say to her daughter, Now, you're not going to cry today, are you? I don't want to hear from your teachers that you cried when I left. You know I will be back this afternoon to collect you. You will have a really happy day today, won't you?" Over and over. "Now, you're not going to cry, are you?" And of course, the little girl's lip began to quiver, and she began to cry. At which point, sister in law got exasperated and said, "I told you not to cry! Now come on, be a big brave girl, turn off those tears. It's not going to change anything, I am not taking you back home just because you're crying. What will those other kids think of you, crying like this?" On and on. I'm convinced it was a control thing, the mother wanting at some level to provoke those tears just to convince herself that her daughter really loved her and couldn't bear to be parted from her. I saw her and my brother do similar things to their older child, too. One time we were staying with them, my nephew was about ten years old and struggling at school (with hindsight, probable Aspie). I was there doing an assignment on their farm animals and spent a lot of time with my nephew and his pet cockatoo. We also all went to the zoo together, and had a great time. On the third day we were to leave and he had to go to school. We were chatting happily over breakfast. When his father said it was time say goodbye to me and husband and to go outside to wait for the bus, the boy just grabbed his bag sullenly and went outside without saying a word. I understood - he didn't want to cry in front of us because he really didn't want us to go. But my brother took off outside and dragged him back. "That was very rude - now you say goodbye nicely to Auntie Marg, what will she think of you, storming off like that?" I tried to quietly whisper, "It's OK, I'll miss you too but we had fun and next time we see you we'll have more fun," but he was just too upset. My brother was apologising to me, saying he didn't understand his son, couldn't follow why he was so suddenly rude, what a problem child he was at times. And of course, I could say nothing because we had no children at that stage so of course we had no credibility in his eyes on the topic of children. The fact that I was still close enough to childhood myself to remember, was of no account. I love my brother very much and I'd like to think that over the years he's learnt a great deal more compassion. But sister in law hasn't changed much and still sees herself as a different species, from her (now-adult) children. She must always be in control. Her parents were nothing like this - she was an only child who was indulged. I wonder if that's why she's like this with her children. Mind you, I do like her otherwise, it's just her parenting that annoys me. Marg [/QUOTE]
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