my aunt said a strange thing about difficult child

[buddy]

I got a message on face book yesterday from my aunt and it reminds me of a few other things people have said over the years regarding difficult child.

She said she thinks that he doesn't even realize and is not thankful that I love/care for him so much and that he is loved by his extended family. One uncle said one time that when difficult child was younger "they" wondered if my adopting him was such a good idea.

I do understand they are only concerned and care about/love me. I know they love him too. BUT I have to wonder if my sisters birth sons would have had any of the same issues, would they have said similar things.?

I dont think any child should have to show they are grateful for just being born or adopted. Especially dont think kids who are adopted should have to be any more grateful than birth kids because they got a second chance. They didn't choose their situations. All kids we hope will grow to realize that they were lucky to have such love and care. My son tells me he loves me as much as he can show it. He is grateful on a case by case basis which is just like my other little neices and nephews for now. They all know they are loved. They all love us back. I would never ever consider sending him back or anything like that...totally off my radar once he was in my arms. Really, once I accepted the referral.

I guess my feelings get a little hurt, and a little too easily...thinking they feel he could be more easily disposed of or something. Doesn't matter in the end, we love each other and it is what it is.

just expressing myself, thanks for listening.

 

[DDD]

I've been thinking about your post Buddy. Yeah, lol, sometimes I think before I respond. I don't know whether I am correct or not but I know that many of my family members spoke "differently" about GFGmom than they did about my easy child's. They were aware that she added stress and hardship to my life and they resented that I was not able to live "the happily ever after" that everyone expected me to have. She is my biological child. Had she been adopted I assume they would have more frequently expressed those thoughts.

I guess the best I can say from experience is that family members are powerless to solve difficult child problems and their first loyalty is to you. The road you have chosen is a difficult one. Had you given birth to difficult child it would have been equally as difficult. The perceptions, however, are likely a little different. I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt by what you Aunt said but chances are her intentions were not evil...likely just protective of her niece. Hugs. DDD

 

[DS3]

I got a message on face book yesterday from my aunt and it reminds me of a few other things people have said over the years regarding difficult child.

She said she thinks that he doesn't even realize and is not thankful that I love/care for him so much and that he is loved by his extended family. One uncle said one time that when difficult child was younger "they" wondered if my adopting him was such a good idea.

I do understand they are only concerned and care about/love me. I know they love him too. BUT I have to wonder if my sisters birth sons would have had any of the same issues, would they have said similar things.?

I dont think any child should have to show they are grateful for just being born or adopted. Especially dont think kids who are adopted should have to be any more grateful than birth kids because they got a second chance. They didn't choose their situations. All kids we hope will grow to realize that they were lucky to have such love and care. My son tells me he loves me as much as he can show it. He is grateful on a case by case basis which is just like my other little neices and nephews for now. They all know they are loved. They all love us back. I would never ever consider sending him back or anything like that...totally off my radar once he was in my arms. Really, once I accepted the referral.

I guess my feelings get a little hurt, and a little too easily...thinking they feel he could be more easily disposed of or something. Doesn't matter in the end, we love each other and it is what it is.

just expressing myself, thanks for listening.

I don't think it really matters if they're adopted or not. As long as you are giving them the love and support they need, they are your family. That's MHO. Being military I tend to 'adopt' family where I go anyways. I've always held the idea that it was not blood that made your family, it was the closeness that people share. I have blood relatives that I never talk to, nor do I think about them. I have this one sweet adopted 'Mom' that I still talk to and I adopted her way back in high school. I guess my point is that family is what you make of it. And sometimes the whole 'blood line' thing is a little too over-rated.

~hugs~

 

[keista]

Ditto, Ditto.

After reading you post, I recalled conversations with my sister (the supportive one). More than once she has (not in so many words) wished that I had never had kids with husband. Yeah, it hurts since my kids are the best thing that came out of my marriage. I kinda wish I could un-do my marriage, but NOT my kids. Unfortunately they go hand in hand. Sis doesn't really realize the impact of her statement. She has no kids and no long term relationship - EVER. However, misguided as they are, her comments do come out of concern for ME, and I have to accept that.

 

[Hound dog]

I think it mostly stems from how powerless family and friends feel when they see you so stressed, worried, and hurting. They feel helpless and frustrated and protective and often it causes disturbing things to come pouring out of their mouths they don't necessarily mean the way it comes across.

We know all too well how hard it is to life gfgdom day in and day out, we don't know how hard it is for someone close to us to watch it without the understanding and knowledge base we have.

(((hugs)))

 

[buddy]

Well, that is why I posted it, I think I just needed to say it out loud and not stew. It helps to have you listen and respond. i do know it is from love. But I love my son so dearly that it is hard for me to relate to those kinds of statements. I would hope I would just say to them, wow that must be really tough is there anything I can do??? etc. My aunt had a post partum psychosis after her first two kids and I visited and helped her (20 years ago) one of her teens threatened suicide when we were visiting (another state) two summers ago and we just went over and supported. It is a difference I think but all of you are right, it is totally out of love, I know they dont mean to hurt at all.
I just knew you all would probably be able to understand on some level that it hurts for people to think less of your child because there are challenges. thanks for listening and caring.

 

[Malika]

Yes, "hear you", buddy, as they say... People can be wonderfully insensitive. I have a brother who once said he "accepted J as part of our family even though he is not even a blood relative" (how magnanimous) and J has not seen him for nearly two years because the last time he did, my brother announced to me that J was "anti-social" (he had just turned three at the time) and my sister in law made some wonderfully patronising comments about how he was like the boys that her mother dealt with in her volunteer work with an organisation called Riding for the Disabled. My brother did suggest meeting up earlier this year but I am not willing to accept the tension and stress that goes with it... My other brother, although more open and compassionate, still finds J's hyperactivity difficult to be around and accommodate. Would it be different if he were not adopted? Difficult to say, with my family... They might still be the same. J gets on very well with my mother and vice versa and although I have very conflicted feelings about my mother, I keep the lines of communication open for J's sake. Other than that, his "family" are all on the Moroccan side...
My family, apart from one brother, are basically a waste of space (to put it crudely and sadly). I know you are close to your family, buddy, so their opinions will have that much more impact for you. It is hurtful, I do understand. I guess they would not make these remarks if he was your biological child, simply because there is this sense that if you adopt you are "choosing" in a way you do not if you have a child naturally. So if it turns out to be difficult, was it not perhaps better not to have chosen, is the idea, I guess. All of which is not very loving or compassionate, ultimately. Not embracing things as they are... Not the unconditional love that we are all really seeking. So you have to create that for yourself, which you do by the sounds of it. Hugs.

 

[buddy]

I think you are right Malika. I've always felt it is better to choose to become a parent than to "accidently" become a parent as my sister did twice and recently had a pregancy lost, once again as a single mom with boyfriend not wanting any part of it. It was his third time having a girlfriend have an abortion, can you say protection? In ALL cases the truth is everyone chooses to parent if they keep their child. You and I know this but I think you are correct, the perception is well, you chose that road. Did I know he had seizures, yup and just before he came home, was told they found the source and that he was recovering great. DId I prepare myself because the risk was that a child adopted thru foster care and who had seizures probably did have some delays or special needs, yup. I did gear up for that. Do you really think it will happen? Not really.... not to this degree. Is it just as devastating to hear your child has autism and will be forever needing support....and does your heart break for this beautiful child you love so much....ABSOLUTELY

 

[Malika]

This is not the place for this debate but I think the idea of children having to be "wanted" and planned is rather a dangerous illusion - dangerous because it risks causing all concerned more harm than good in the end. Really I think all beings should be "welcomed", which is rather a different idea, and is kind of what you are saying about your son. You want him to be welcomed, however he is and whatever the nature of his coming. This is what heals and liberates in the end, isn't it? Adopted or biological, it is irrelevant, and the child is an innocent part of it all. Your son did not choose his handicaps and he is deserving of more love, not less, because of them. But we are all only human... and some people do not see things through the eyes of compassion or wisdom.

 

[muttmeister]

She said she thinks that he doesn't even realize and is not thankful that I love/care for him so much and that he is loved by his extended family.

When I read this first sentence, it sounded like things my family said about my older difficult child. The difference is, he was not adopted.
Obviously, she is being very insensitive about his being adopted and probably the best thing you can do is ignore her because it is almost impossible to try to "straighten out" people like that. But on another level, almost ALL difficult children are misunderstood and misjudged by a lot of our families at large. As others have said, she is probably concerned about YOU and she does not understand what parenting a difficult child -adopted or not- involves.

My mantra when my difficult children were younger (and actually, still) is, "You can't control what other people do or say; you can only control your reactions to them." Take her caring for you and file it away and disregard the rest as an example of ignorance.

 

[timer lady]

My late husband & I rec'd comments of this type frequently ~ from both sides of the family. husband & I chose to believe it wasn't insensitivity; it was our family's concern over the stress placed on us. The emotional, physical & mental drain was apparent to our family.

Heck, I was ready to "hand the tweedles back" from where we adopted them after 3 years. husband was the more loyal.

 

[DammitJanet]

Honestly I dont think any kid is appreciative of parents until they have their own kids so anyone thinking a kid under 18 is going to go around singing their parents praises is nuts...whether the child is adopted or not. I think there is a saying that someone said...Probably Bill Cosby, that goes something like this...the older my kids get, the more intelligent I get.

 

[buddy]

Thats what I think too. I think they are grateful on an incident by incident basis. What they get to do, what they get period. Teehee