My balloon was popped -

[Steely]

And I am quickly deflating and falling..........Plop.......All waded up on the sidewalk. Red, and shriveled, as some random ice cream man steps on me to get to his next customer.

You know I was all psyched suddenly about life & difficult child. For once I felt like was making progress in my mental health, and taking ownership for my life. I was excited about the prospects of having a new job in a new state, I was excited that difficult child was making progress, I was finally taking some steps to try and re-open H.s case - and then - the big sticker bush in my life - my parents - completely burst my bubble.

Of course to be honest, I had to let them burst it, right? I could have been armed with enough defense to not let one word of what they had to say get to me. I could have simply walked away when things went sour. But no - I stayed and listened - and fought with them - until they had zapped me of every ounce of momentum I had in me.

The arguments consisted of how "stupid" it would be for me to move - and then it progressed onto the many injustices I felt over H's case, and her death, and the way they handled it all. Each one of my concerns met with their argument or denial. Crazymaking.

Then difficult child called, and of course he had a cr@ppy day, because that is just how it seems to work in my life. He is 2000 miles away, and he has a cr@ppy day too? God help us! It seems like I can only ride a wave for a minute, and then it breaks apart.

I am so mad, that I even let myself be exposed to my parent's negativity and venom, let alone allow it to infiltrate into my mind. Today I don't even care about moving. I feel suicidal, and I have not had that feeling in 2 months.

It is all very complicated with them. Them and their guilt and the fact "I am their only remaining daughter, and my dad has brain cancer, and they are paying for Matthew's placement, so because of all of that I am obligated to do these things".

It makes me want to yak. Or poke my eyes out. Or run, far, far, away.

Thanks for listening.

 

[ML]

Steely ugh. Sounds like you got slammed into the pavement today. It must feel very isolating to have your family not "get it". You have to recover from H's death in your own way and in your own time. You are entitled to every feeling you have about it even if they make others uncomfortable.

Please don't let go of that balloon just yet. I still feel that a positive shift is in the air for you and I'm excited about a possible move.

May tomorrow bring a better day for difficult child and for you.

Love,

ML

 

[KTMom91]

Steely, I'm so sorry their negativity got you down. Shake it off...I know, easier said than done...and know that you are a strong woman making the right choices for herself and her son. Continuing to send positive thoughts towards your wonderful new job and wonderful new life.

Many, many hugs.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Steely}}}
Here's a quote from a book that Duckie adores:

"Reader, do you think it is a terrible thing to hope when there is really no reason to hope at all? Or is it (as the soldier said about happiness) something that you might as well do, since, in the end, it really makes no difference to anyone but you?"
The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

Steely... you deserve to feel hopeful and happy. I have a relative that is very negative and I learned a long time ago to tune her out because she was becoming very toxic and completely undermining my confidence in myself. So I stopped... sharing. I stopped... asking for input. And I stopped... expecting any sort of emotional support from her.

You need to pick your shriveled self up and fill yourself up again. Feel happy and feel the potential of what life has to offer. The best thing you can do for yourself is to have some faith in yourself, like we here have in you. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[Steely]

Thank you ML, KT, and TM.
I know you are completely right.
I cannot believe I let my parents take me down to that shriveled up place. I am as mad at myself for allowing them to do that, as I am sad that I am here in this stupid heap.

I have to resolve to not let this happen again.

This was the process H was going through when she died - which is why my parent's are so desperate "not to lose me" like they did H. They feel like they lost her first emotionally and then physically - and they are desperate that it not happen with me.

Thanks again. I will figure this all out.

PS
Matthew just called and he had a great day. He is like night and day, you just never know which one you are gonna get. But he made me smile.

There are SO many things to be grateful for. I simply cannot let the people in my life derail me.

 

[Wiped Out]

Steely,
I'm sorry your parents' negativity has you so down. One reason I could never live near my mom is her negativity so I do understand.

You are such a wonderful person and I hope you are able to let the negativity of your parents go-which is so much easier to say than to do.

I'm glad Matt had a better day!

 

[Marcie Mac]

Steely, one thing I leaned a long time ago is NOT to tell your parents (in my case my mother) ANYTHING/ It matters not to her I am a grown *** woman, if she thinks I am making a big mistake, she will NOT let it go for fear I make a wrong move. I can make a comment on ANYTHING and I get negative feedback. I do not divulge any of my life to her and when she starts on a roll because she "thinks" I am not being forthcomming, I just let it go and put it down to her being old and never ever just doing something impulsive or go with the flow. She doesn't "get me" and at this late date, I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Girl, go live your life and do what you need to do for you. No more heavy in depth conversations with your parents trying to justify yourself - you can't - they don't understand - its not "normal" (and they have an entirely different view of normal due to their age) goings on to them.

Marcie

 

[totoro]

Stick fingers in your ears right now. LA LA LA
I am not listening!
Just to your parents, just until your hot air balloon has lifted off of the ground...

 

[ThreeShadows]

Steely, can I lend you my cactus for a while? When my therapist realized how toxic my mother was to me, we did a visualization to find a shield against mom's venom. What came up for me was my transformation into a squat, fat barrel cactus, loaded with huge thorns. Every time my mother tried to hurt my soul she would not be able to make it past the thorns without hurting herself.

I once gave up looking for a job because she told me no one would want to hire a young woman who was always crying. She was the reason I cried so much!

 

[klmno]

Steely, I read your initial post earlier then just sat down to respond. But after reading the other replies, I don't think I can say anything better than what has already been said.

I was relieved to hear that it was just your parents popping your bubble and not that something bad had happened to/with M and this wasn't bad news about your job. I know it still hurts and is such a bummer to have a parent (or two) that is negative and can't just be happy for us and encourage what we are striving for. My mother is that way too, but I have hardened so much to her that I keep her at a LONG arm's length away anymore.

She took "detaching" from me several steps further than most parents do and did it when I was still a mixed up teen. So, now when she says "I wish I could be there to help you", I tell her "I understand- I wish I could be there to help you, too". Then we each go on about our own business. I don't tell her details about anything in my or difficult child's lives anymore.

I hope you can gather the strength to become this way with your parents, too. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings tonight. I'm glad that your job prospect still warrants hope and that M is still doing ok. I'm glad you are seeking what you want for your own life and are moving in healthy, positive directions. Those are the things that count the most.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

You have a right to peace of mind. You have a right to happiness.

I know you love your parents, but they tend to remind me of leeches.....they svck the very life out of you. Maybe they mean well, or maybe they have their own agenda........Doesn't matter when the outcome is the same.

I have a feeling this is a pattern that was established long ago in childhood. Such patterns are tough to break, but it can be done.

Someone never had it dawn on them that you're grown up and can make the decisions in your own life. I think it's a control issue.

If they can't handle it, don't talk to them about it. Do what you need to do and stop worrying about them. You are an adult. You need to make decisions that are best for you, your son, and your life......not your parents.

I'm sorry they came down hard on you. You're right, you've got to quit letting them do that. You don't have to defend yourself to anyone. They do it because you let them. I've hung up on my Mom so much you'd think she'd never call me again.....but of course she does. lol You have to set the adult boundary and make them stick to it. If that means staying away from them until you're strong enough to deal with them........nothing wrong with that.

If I'd have told my Mom I was going back to school to be a nurse 3 yrs ago she'd have spent 8 hrs telling me what a bad idea it was and how selfish I was for wanting to do such a thing. Just recently she was told the actual reason I'm in school, and once she got over the shock.........she's all for it. Yeah, it's a control issue with my Mom too. I just stopped letting her do it many years ago.

Steely, if this is what you want/need then don't let anyone stop you. They've only popped it, if you've let them.

I hope this didn't come across too harsh. I didn't meant it that way.

(((hugs)))

 

[Steely]

Thanks to ALL of you.
Daisy, no you are not too harsh, you are exactly right. I know that I sat there and allowed them talk insanely to me. Out of guilt, I just sat there. Not a good decision for me, obviously, at all. It left me swimming in an aftermath of toxins. Talking to them for 2 hours about all of the details of Hs death, and me, and them, and the emotions - I still feel ill, even this morning, and depressed. I am not sure how to find my solid, positive, footing again, except to keep shaking it off as one of you said, until is gone. I don't want to be full of doubt and depression.

I saw this news clip and thought...........
Hey - that is what popped my ballon! It was not crazymaking parents at all but ..................
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/15/texas.sky.debris/index.html?eref=rss_topstories