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My best friend...or not?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 96121" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Some people can't cope with 'needy'. Even I turn off needy if there is no attempt at ANY stage to move on and grow. But very few people fall into THAT category.</p><p></p><p>My BFF from years ago has at times been VERY needy; but with good cause. At times I wanted to shake her, she was making some very bad decisions although I knew why and it worried me. And at times she has not raised a subject with me because I think she was afraid I would be judgemental - she had a new bloke move in and I only found out when I dropped in for a quick surprise visit - she later married the guy and they are very happy, I think she was relieved, and embarrassed but in this case I suspect her parents had been critical of her for so quick to replace her ratfink of a second husband with another man going through his own post-marriage grief.</p><p></p><p>You have reminded me to track down my friend, too. She last emailed me for my birthday but I didn't get it until we got back from New Zealand, which means I also missed her birthday (three days after mine). I did email her when we got back with news of our trip, but I know she & I have both been busy. Time to telephone again, I think.</p><p></p><p>I have also had a 'friend' who I used to chat to a lot, until I realised she was always complaining about the same things, mostly from way back in her past. We would talk about her mother and how she had favoured the sisters over her, how she had sent her to boarding school where her sisters had tormented her, how her mother wouldn't invite her to her sister's wedding because she was an embarrassment by talking to relatives that were not acceptable... she would talk about the latest birthday card she got from her mother, saying "Happy Birthday, but I'm not sending you a present because you are an ungrateful person. I hope you have a happy day."</p><p>Six months later, I was still hearing the same story. Two years later, I was still hearing it. I would be watching TV, see a program finish and as the credits were rolling the phone would ring - she had decided to talk to someone purely as a form of entertainment.</p><p></p><p>After she got abusive to me for having a different political opinion I got husband to vet my calls. She had no idea how much she had hurt me. She would send me emails that were somewhere to the right of Attilla the Hun, but if I dared to reply with anything less than enthusiasm, even when I was cautiously saying, "There are a number of views on that topic," and saying no more, I got abused viciously in her next email for "pushing your left-wing views down my throat."</p><p></p><p>I can do without friends like that, although when we meet she is still very buddy-buddy - has absolutely no idea. </p><p></p><p>That is very different from needing a friend when you are going through a difficult time. Worlds apart. </p><p></p><p>When I became disabled, I lost a lot of friends. Bushwalking, physically active friends would go without me because I could no longer keep up. Other friends in the local drama group shuddered because I was a reminder of their own mortality - I was the youngest and had been struck down. Even family thought I had gone ga-ga, because I'm the youngest there, too. I have very few friends from before - we just don't mix in the same circles. But I have formed new friendships which are very valuable, although it saddens me that they don't know what I used to be like. The biggest exception, other than husband, is my BFF from childhood who I've already mentioned. And we always have to work at that, to set time aside to talk because we both are so far away and so very busy.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes friends go in different directions, especially when their lives change differently. It doesn't mean your friendship was a sham, it just means that it has changed.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this has a simple explanation. Maybe you need to get your support elsewhere and keep your friendship with her on a more superficial, fun level. Maybe now you are finding that your friendship has limits based on lacks in her emotional capability. Accept this. We're none of us perfect, some of us are less perfect than others!</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find the support you need, wherever you need to do it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 96121, member: 1991"] Some people can't cope with 'needy'. Even I turn off needy if there is no attempt at ANY stage to move on and grow. But very few people fall into THAT category. My BFF from years ago has at times been VERY needy; but with good cause. At times I wanted to shake her, she was making some very bad decisions although I knew why and it worried me. And at times she has not raised a subject with me because I think she was afraid I would be judgemental - she had a new bloke move in and I only found out when I dropped in for a quick surprise visit - she later married the guy and they are very happy, I think she was relieved, and embarrassed but in this case I suspect her parents had been critical of her for so quick to replace her ratfink of a second husband with another man going through his own post-marriage grief. You have reminded me to track down my friend, too. She last emailed me for my birthday but I didn't get it until we got back from New Zealand, which means I also missed her birthday (three days after mine). I did email her when we got back with news of our trip, but I know she & I have both been busy. Time to telephone again, I think. I have also had a 'friend' who I used to chat to a lot, until I realised she was always complaining about the same things, mostly from way back in her past. We would talk about her mother and how she had favoured the sisters over her, how she had sent her to boarding school where her sisters had tormented her, how her mother wouldn't invite her to her sister's wedding because she was an embarrassment by talking to relatives that were not acceptable... she would talk about the latest birthday card she got from her mother, saying "Happy Birthday, but I'm not sending you a present because you are an ungrateful person. I hope you have a happy day." Six months later, I was still hearing the same story. Two years later, I was still hearing it. I would be watching TV, see a program finish and as the credits were rolling the phone would ring - she had decided to talk to someone purely as a form of entertainment. After she got abusive to me for having a different political opinion I got husband to vet my calls. She had no idea how much she had hurt me. She would send me emails that were somewhere to the right of Attilla the Hun, but if I dared to reply with anything less than enthusiasm, even when I was cautiously saying, "There are a number of views on that topic," and saying no more, I got abused viciously in her next email for "pushing your left-wing views down my throat." I can do without friends like that, although when we meet she is still very buddy-buddy - has absolutely no idea. That is very different from needing a friend when you are going through a difficult time. Worlds apart. When I became disabled, I lost a lot of friends. Bushwalking, physically active friends would go without me because I could no longer keep up. Other friends in the local drama group shuddered because I was a reminder of their own mortality - I was the youngest and had been struck down. Even family thought I had gone ga-ga, because I'm the youngest there, too. I have very few friends from before - we just don't mix in the same circles. But I have formed new friendships which are very valuable, although it saddens me that they don't know what I used to be like. The biggest exception, other than husband, is my BFF from childhood who I've already mentioned. And we always have to work at that, to set time aside to talk because we both are so far away and so very busy. Sometimes friends go in different directions, especially when their lives change differently. It doesn't mean your friendship was a sham, it just means that it has changed. Maybe this has a simple explanation. Maybe you need to get your support elsewhere and keep your friendship with her on a more superficial, fun level. Maybe now you are finding that your friendship has limits based on lacks in her emotional capability. Accept this. We're none of us perfect, some of us are less perfect than others! I hope you can find the support you need, wherever you need to do it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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