My blanket of darkness

[Steely]

I am on the 25th floor of my parent's condo watching the rain pour from the sky, and slide down their windows drop by drop . Enya (sp) my dad's favorite musician is playing, and I am sitting by my dad's bed as he loses ground every single minute. The world around me literally and mentally feels so dark. My dad is groaning in his sleep, and he almost choked to his death this morning. The nurse has been hear all day because his excretion system shut down. Now he is finally able to get some rest.

All morning we talked about his memorial and planned that with his friend. Turns out I will have to fly to Dallas for the memorial, which drained even more air out of me. It will be hard enough scattering his ashes with Heidi's on the mountain. Then I will fly to Dallas for who knows how long, before I can get back to AZ.

It feels like I will not ever see my puppy or house again. Tesla will be all grown up and probably not even know who I am. Actually it feels like I may not ever see normal again, because once I do wrap everything up with my Dad than I will have to take a job somewhere and move.

The more this life goes on I feel like less and less of a person, but more like a hollowed soul. One that is silently going through life, simply existing to meet the obligations that are there. One that is only here on earth to keep the cogs of the wheels turning.

Matt called me today to tell me that he is fed up with living in AZ because he cannot find any weed. Apparently that is his life goal now, to be high. I really have no words for that at this moment other than - sad.

I think the piece of this that is most deeply disturbing me, is that I don't really have any friends. I mean I have a few, but the most I get from them is the patronizing, oh is there anything I can do to help. Or lectures on mortality, love, and peace. I feel so void of any deep connections in my life - you know- the kind that tether you to the world.

When my Dad passes it will be my role to support my Mom, not get support. Which leaves me receiving support from no one but God and myself. No one to get advice from, or guidance. I am scared. I am scared I will just dry up, and disintegrate when the wind blows.

Emily Dickinson says it best:

"I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled--
Some thousands--on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.

I know there is nothing anyone can really say - but it does help me just to be able to "tell someone" how I really feel. Thank you.

 

[KTMom91]

I don't know what to say, Steely. Sending big hugs and prayers.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))) Steely

It's ok to let your mom know that you can use some support from her too. It's not selfish for you to ask her for support. Giving support and love to each other at this time will help you both get through it.

 

[HaoZi]

*HUGS* Steely. Maybe your friends don't know how to help, and it can be hard to figure out what help you might need from them. It can be very isolating, don't be afraid to reach out.

 

[tawnya]

Don't forget you have about 5000 friends here, Steely.

I'm really sorry for your sadness.

((HUGS))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Honestly, Steely, I would be one to ask "is there anything I can do?" and hope that you wouldn't find me patronizing. I would mean well, and I believe some of your friends do too. We are all so afraid of death, we don't know how to deal with what will happen to each of us some day.

My favorite aunt and godmother, who had been my role model for many years, asked me to stay with her at her home while she was dying of lung cancer. It was one of the worst and one of the best times of my life. She was suspicious of every one, but trusted me. I guess it was my first time to feel that I was an adult. That was also when I started having anxiety attacks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I knew depression but this was something else, totally foreign.

husband was finishing his residency at Hopkins and had accepted a position in Maine. I couldn't leave before her dying was done.

I slept in her basement, right under her bed. When the cancer metastacized to her brain, she chanted "oh, wow, oh, wow, oh wow!" like a demented mantra. This went on for days. Her dying process involved her agony and mine.

Each morning, I woke up, holding my breath, waiting for her mantra, hoping, praying it was over for both of us. I was filled with guilt because I felt that way. Then the mantra would begin again. I didn't know how to live with my conflicted feelings.

I had been afraid of death for so long. When she passed and the funeral home took her away, I crawled into her deathbed and slept. For a while I wore her clothes. She gave me so many life lessons. I hope that when my time comes I can believe that I am facing The Big Adventure. I want to come back again, this time with parents who love me and think that I am the best thing that ever happened to them.

I am sad you feel so alone. I wish I could give you a magic mirror to show you that you are your own best friend.

 

[timer lady]

Steely, please know that while you will be needed during the first few hours, days, weeks after your dad's death your mom will need time to herself; time to pull her life in order on her own terms & in her own way. You will need the same break.

You can be there, as we were for my dad; as my family was when my husband died. It was thru phone calls, groceries ordered & delivered to my home. A cleaning lady sent in ~ practical things that I hadn't a clue or the energy to do. You can be a sounding board for mum but she will likely need some of the practical things I mentioned done more than anything else.

Know you are not alone; that many here are praying for you & your dear family. Know that while death is so very painful in the same rite it's liberating to those in such pain. I know this isn't going to make you feel better today; even 6 months from now. At some point, you will see the end to your dad's suffering as a blessing.

Take care, my dear.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Linda. It was so very difficult to watch my dad go but I also felt a peace and a relief to know he didnt have to suffer for a long time. I hope your dad is getting good pain control. We kept my dad as doped up as possible the last day or so. Then we just sat and talked to him. He couldnt eat or drink anymore so we knew it was just a matter of hours. I was glad that I had Tony and the boys...for the most part!...with me but I really didnt do a whole lot of grieving right then. It took me a week or two...maybe even longer than that until things really started hitting me. It is all the firsts for me that are getting me. The first Xmas when he didnt send me a card and cards for the grandkids. My birthday when he didnt send me a card and Pat didnt even call me. His birthday on 3/3. Mothers day will be very hard because he always got me a mothers day card and told me how proud he was of me for being a good mom.

Keyana found a birthday card the other day that he had sent her. She and I cried over it. The weather just got warm enough here for her to play outside and she goes over to her swing set and talks about it being her "great grandpapa" swing set. The second to last phone call she made to him was right after we put it up and she made me call him so she could thank him for it and tell him how she was swinging "so high great papa...I swing by myself so high!" The last call was on the Sunday before he died and he talked to her on the phone and told her he wanted her to remember that he loved her dearly and always would and she should remember that she would always be his special princess.

These are the things that are bringing out the grief for me. The memories.

 

[Lothlorien]

No words here, but just sending big gentle hugs.

 

[AnnieO]

Steely,

I too understand. Not in exactly the same way, but some. All those well-meaning people who feel so patronizing to you - don't know how to say what they are feeling. None of us really do. I always shied away from the "I'm sorry for your loss", because it always felt so overused. Yes, it's really the only thing we are taught to say, but it covers none of the actual grief.

I know I can do nothing in real life to help, aside from being here, reading your posts, and sending you all the gentle hugs I can muster up and push through the keyboard to your screen. But keep posting, please, because in a way it helps me deal with some of the grief I've been trying to work through. Just knowing someone else gets it, helps so much.