My brother died

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Oct 20, 2015.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Two weeks ago my world turned upside down. My brother passed away very suddenly and I'm beyond crushed. I still can't believe he's gone. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. Some days have been good but most days have been unbearable. I have to keep it together bc I have a family to take care of and a job to go to but it's so exhausting pretending that everything is ok when inside I'm falling apart. My mom passed away suddenly 10 years ago so I'm an expert at dealing with grief but I'm having a particularly hard time dealing with the fact that my funny, sweet, handsome big brother is gone from this world forever. It's just not fair.

    I know this post doesn't relate to my Difficult Child but this board and all of you on it have been my rocks in the past so I figured maybe you wouldn't mind lending me some much needed support.

    My brother was a Difficult Child in his own way. Battled depression and substance abuse during most of his teen and adult years but he was his own worst enemy. He never hurt anyone else. To everyone else he was kind, gentle, protective, always made people laugh and feel at ease. He was truly a kind soul.

    We don't know the cause of death yet. We are waiting for toxicology reports but I strongly suspect that report will give us the answers we are looking for although it won't matter at that point what the report says. Nothing will change the fact that he's gone.

    Have any of you dealt with the sudden loss of a loved one? I need some support from people who truly understand what absolute hell on earth this is.
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry about your brother. Although I haven't yet experienced losing someone unexpectedly and can't offer my support in that sense, I wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss.
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    JKF, I am so sorry for your loss.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I'm glad you came back here to share your grief, JKF.

    I had a step-brother and a step-sister both pass away. It is so hard.

    We are here with you.

  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I, along with everybody else on this forum who knows you, am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. It is obvious you loved each other very much.

    I wish I knew how to take away some of your pain.

    You will get through this and your brother will always be with you in your heart.

    I am just so sorry for your awful pain.

  6. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I'm so sorry. I lost my older brother December 12,2014, and it was such a shock. Praying for you and your family .
  7. My Life

    My Life New Member

    Praying for you
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am so so sorry for your loss!!
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-brother bore a striking resemblance to the actor Chris Hemsworth, and I always watch anything he is in, just to get a look at him.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have not had to deal with a loved ones unexpected passing, but do know the grief of losing a loved one.

    Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong for the feelings that each individual processes.

    There are some good articles on the web that can help....
    here is one

    Sending hugs and deepest sympathy your way.
  11. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry JKF.
    I'm glad you felt able to reach out to us here and I hope it helps in a small way.

    I haven't lost anyone suddenly, it's always been at the end of a long illness or decline. My experience has mainly been a strange feeling of relief mixed with the grief. You are having to deal with shock as well as grief and I hope that you have lots of love and support around you to share this.

    It probably won't help at all, but whenever I hear of a sudden death I always think how good that is for the person who has passed away so suddenly, with no long drawn out suffering and no premonition or knowledge.

    The way you describe your brother I can almost picture him. I'll be thinking of you and also your sons who have lost a "big, funny handsome" uncle.

    Sending loads of hugs.

  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    JKF, my brother died suddenly of drowning while fishing. He was 32. At that time I was about 42. I suspect alcohol was involved.

    I remember the sheriff called me as next of kin. I refused to believe him. I told him it was a crank call. As I recall I hung up on him. He called back. I remember the hour or so afterwards. Pacing the living room in disbelief. In shock. I was alone with a toddler. I had to cope.

    We were not close. Nor were we raised together. However, as I type this I am aware of the horror I felt. Still. It is over 20 years. There is no way to reconcile a sudden loss. They are here. And then gone.

    The pain will lessen. I lost my mother a bit over 2 years ago. It was a traumatic loss for me. I am finding though that she is with me now, in my voice, in day to day actions that I do that are what she did. My laugh. My interests. My face. My humor. And warmth. The way I look at things.

    I find myself liking myself a whole lot more lately, because through me is how she lives. I still have that part of her. In me. And those aspects that I share with her. You cannot imagine the consolation it gives me.

    I send my prayers. I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying that you are able to find solace during your time of grief. When I taught full time, one of my students passed away of a undetected heart condition. I remember thinking that it was just not possible that it could not be true. I had just hugged him and laughed at his silly joke the previous day. The entire school had difficulty coming to grips with this precious child no longer running the halls spreading his joy and laughter.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, JKF.
  15. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my mom 3 years ago and I miss her so much and can't believe she's gone. I haven't lost a sibling. I can only imagine how hard that must be. Hugs-carri
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    JFK, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have a big brother too, and while we aren't really all that close, I can't imagine life with him not there. Take care of yourself, let yourself grieve, and know that we are here for you.
  17. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry to read this, JKF. Thinking of you.
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry JKF. My prayers are with you and your family.

    I lost my son-in-law to suicide 15 years ago, sudden, unexpected and tragic for the entire family. Grief is a powerful emotion which, as you likely know, has stages. It helped me to know that as I traversed each stage. Here is a website which describes them:

    It helped me to attend a Hospice group on grief. I found it comforting to be among others who were going through the same feelings as I was.

    My heart is with you JKF, we're all here for you......we all know what grief is..........sending you warm hugs........
  19. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Grief does have many stages and they don't always come in the order that everyone thinks they will. The sudden death of a loved one is extremely difficult, not that the death of someone that isn't sudden isn't. My son was killed in an auto accident, suddenly, in the daylight in the middle of the summer and no one knows what happened. Funny, that sentence was ignorant sounding, but you see, nothing makes sense when someone dies suddenly. Don't look for it to ever make any sense. I could sob right this moment thinking of that day, and it was twenty years ago. The pain was, and is, unbearable. I spent five years trying to put one foot in front of the other...and I did it. After about five years, I decided I could make it without him, or not. I chose to make it and you will, too. I remember all the fun we had, how much I love him and what a special young man he was. My life was forever changed, in that instant when he was alive and then he wasn't.
    This is part of life, JKF. This is the part that sux. Feel the sadness, feel the total grief and take baby steps to move through the day the best you can. Slowly it will get better, just ask me.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, JKF, I'm so sorry. I have not yet lost a sibling. It's a terrifying thought. No telling who will be the first of us to go. But we're getting to that age ... middle-near-old age. Frankly, I thought that a couple would be gone already, but we're more resilient than I thought.
    Again, I am so sorry. I'm pretty amazed that you can keep up with your household, and work, and that you are doing as well as you are.
    There will always be a hole in your heart where your brother was. {{hugs}}