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My counseling session today
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<blockquote data-quote="Marcie Mac" data-source="post: 246141" data-attributes="member: 47"><p>Kjs, in one of my counceling sessions I was bemoaning angrily how husband never did anything and was so irresponsible, "I" had to work long hours, "I" had to come home and clean up the house, "I" had to do the laundry, "I" had to get the kids ready for bed, "I" was not given any respect from he and the kids,(not to mention we had the no sex thing either) and, and, and..</p><p> </p><p>The therapist just looked at me and said people who are co-dependent have a weird built in radar that attract other co-dependents like ants and sugar. All of these things you are complaining about, "you" knew he was like this a sub-concience level</p><p>when you married him. </p><p> </p><p>And after quite a few sessions, learned I had a thing about control that went back to my childhood. My parents had a really disfunctional marriage, and it effected my mother badly and she drilled and pounded into me that all men were not trustworthy, and I didn't need them, "I" could do anything I wanted by myself. </p><p> </p><p>Needless to say my first few relationships, I found my abusive father in them. And along came dex who was so into not controlling me. "I" got to be in charge..and then it became overwhelming with all of this responsibility I put on my shoulders and when "I" needed him to be there, he wasnt. He was not the 'in charge' type of guy" and you know that old saying, you can't turn a sows ear into a silk purse?? I was trying and getting really angry I couldn't do that, with my sewing skills, it wasn't even close.</p><p> </p><p>I respectively disagree with the others that this is a domestic violence situation and from my personal view, more of a case of a sow's ear. I know I was really resistant in therapy for a while taking any personal responsibility of my problems - I didn't want to hear about how this was my fault - how could this possibly be "MY" fault that I get no support and have to take care of everything on my own, but I picked someone that was willing to participate in my codependency - HE needed a mother and I filled that role quite nicely.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't until the therapist started to peel the layers off the onion that was myself did I come to some harsh realizations, even my crying was a control issue - if I couldn't bully them into what I wanted, maybe they would feel bad I was crying. It didn't work.</p><p> </p><p>I am not saying that this is your problem - am just sharing what I went thru and what I learned about myself and dex. He unfortunately never learned anything about himself as it was an effort in futility to get him to even go to counceling. He felt nothing was wrong with him, I was the problem.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe at this point you need to do therapy on your own for a while. You can't change anybody anyway, but you can change yourself, and understand from where you are comming from.</p><p> </p><p>Marcie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marcie Mac, post: 246141, member: 47"] Kjs, in one of my counceling sessions I was bemoaning angrily how husband never did anything and was so irresponsible, "I" had to work long hours, "I" had to come home and clean up the house, "I" had to do the laundry, "I" had to get the kids ready for bed, "I" was not given any respect from he and the kids,(not to mention we had the no sex thing either) and, and, and.. The therapist just looked at me and said people who are co-dependent have a weird built in radar that attract other co-dependents like ants and sugar. All of these things you are complaining about, "you" knew he was like this a sub-concience level when you married him. And after quite a few sessions, learned I had a thing about control that went back to my childhood. My parents had a really disfunctional marriage, and it effected my mother badly and she drilled and pounded into me that all men were not trustworthy, and I didn't need them, "I" could do anything I wanted by myself. Needless to say my first few relationships, I found my abusive father in them. And along came dex who was so into not controlling me. "I" got to be in charge..and then it became overwhelming with all of this responsibility I put on my shoulders and when "I" needed him to be there, he wasnt. He was not the 'in charge' type of guy" and you know that old saying, you can't turn a sows ear into a silk purse?? I was trying and getting really angry I couldn't do that, with my sewing skills, it wasn't even close. I respectively disagree with the others that this is a domestic violence situation and from my personal view, more of a case of a sow's ear. I know I was really resistant in therapy for a while taking any personal responsibility of my problems - I didn't want to hear about how this was my fault - how could this possibly be "MY" fault that I get no support and have to take care of everything on my own, but I picked someone that was willing to participate in my codependency - HE needed a mother and I filled that role quite nicely. It wasn't until the therapist started to peel the layers off the onion that was myself did I come to some harsh realizations, even my crying was a control issue - if I couldn't bully them into what I wanted, maybe they would feel bad I was crying. It didn't work. I am not saying that this is your problem - am just sharing what I went thru and what I learned about myself and dex. He unfortunately never learned anything about himself as it was an effort in futility to get him to even go to counceling. He felt nothing was wrong with him, I was the problem. Maybe at this point you need to do therapy on your own for a while. You can't change anybody anyway, but you can change yourself, and understand from where you are comming from. Marcie [/QUOTE]
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