My counseling today was great, as usual

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I went to my counselor today and of course it was great. I always get in there and wish I had like 3 hours to talk to her. I made sure I wrote a list of everything I wanted to touch on today before I went. I usually go and then walk out the door and think, omg, that was something really important I forgot to tell her.

    Most of her remarks were: how bizarre!!!!!

    H made an appointment to see her next week. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear what she has to say to him. She does not pull any punches and if you telling her something she doesn't agree with, she will let you know.

    She doesn't ever tell you how you should feel. She's just so good at asking the right questions to get you to tell her what is really happening.

    After everything he's done to me, I don't wish him any harm. I hope she can help him get his life back together, though at this point I don't think it will ever be with me.

    I see her 2 hours after she sees him next week so it will be interesting to see what she asks me next week.

    Some people would say I shouldn't want him going to the same person, but you know what, if he went to anyone else they wouldn't have both sides and they would probably believe his problem is just that I'm not passionate enough. She knows much differently!!!
     
  2. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    glad it went well. You have been through so much lately that you deserve somethings to go right.

    Beth
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You sound energized! That is great! It is how you know you have a compatible therapist. I remember that feeling well. I felt so great leaving the office.

    :smile:
     
  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    hey karen! Thought you might to hear a little story: :redface:

    Once upon a time, a husband thought he could fool around and then blame it all on his wife. When he found out that wife wouldn't put up with that, he moved out & then got all whiney when he realized wife wasn't crushed and helpless without him.
    :hypnosis: :smile: :devil: :hypnosis:
    husband decided to go for counseling, to prove to wife how wrong she was. He went for several sessions, and then wife agreed to go see the same counselor, too.

    Wife walked in alone, to have a private session before the joint session scheduled directly afterward. Wife filled out some little questionnaire/why are you here type thingie. Counselor came in and said, "Okay, it looks like we're on the same page here." He mistakenly thought the answer given to the question "What do you want for your marriage?" was "To get closer" but what wife really had written was "To get ClOSURE" so when that was pointed out, counselor said "Hmmmmm....." and listened quite intensly while wife expanded on things.

    husband joined the session, and all was polite and friendly until it became clear that wife was still not playing along. husband lost it in the office, and counselor slammed husband!! husband commenced to calling wife not nice names, and counselor said, "You know, if anyone should be yelling, it should be wife!" :nonono:
    :rofl: Yep, that was me, little wifey who wasn't going along with what husband thought I should. Boy, was he surprised!!
    Here's hoping your husband is as surprised as my DEX was :flower:

    It was truly priceless to have a witness to DEX's meltdown.

    I'm pretty much over it, now....can't ya tell??!!

    Peace
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That was a great story. I needed a good laugh first thing in the morning.

    She is the same counselor we saw 3 years ago together, so she already pretty much knows how husband works. She knows what he is doing is bizarre, but she also doesn't think it's anything new that has developed in his life, but rather stuff thats been hiding all along coming out full force.

    I said something about maybe he's have a major mid life crisis and she said she doesn't really buy into those. She said to her what a mid life crisis is, behaviors that have always been there and things you have always wanted but never gave yourself permission to do until all of a sudden your life is half over and all of a sudden you feel you have a right to do these things at everyone elses expense. It really made sense to me. She said it's kind of like always wanting a little red convertible sports car but knowing it wasn't something you could afford or should have and all of a sudden your almost 50 years old and you say screw everything, I don't care if my daughter can't go to college I want this car and I'm going to get it.

    So I guess what she is saying is that these things husband is doing are not things that came out of the blue. They are things he has always felt he deserved or wanted and has just given himself permission to do them.

    Hope he enjoyed himself because I am giving myself permission to surive without him.
     
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Hope he enjoyed himself because I am giving myself permission to surive without him. </div></div>

    Oh, I think you will be doing a whole lot more than just surviving, Karen!

    Oh Lordy, yes! :smile:

    It sounds like you have been taking a back seat on just about everything in this marriage. Once this painful part is over, you will be just fine ~ better than fine.

    husband probably won't be doing so well ~ but he is the one who picked this.

    Barbara
     
  7. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    I know you wish him no ill-will, and I basically feel the same towards my DEX. But he has never been the same after our divorce, drinks way too much, and is unhappy. Good riddance, and I feel so validated!

    He was doing wrong things and blaming me for it, I do belive he's getting his just rewards. I have no pity for him.

    You will get through this, and I love that you have given yourself permission to survive!!

    Peace
     
  8. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Karen, I have following your post about your seperation etc.. I havent had much to offer as I dont have much expierence with divorce except for my parents but I was very young. None of my friends have gone through it either.

    I just wanted to say that with each post I read I have this feeling of "wow" she is so strong, I couldnt imagine going through what you are and especially not after and during losing my mother. You are dealing with this with grace and courage and I am so proud to call you my friend. Thank you for sharing your pain and triumphs.

    Grace
     
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    karen, ex and I went to the same counselor for a while before I filed for divorce. the counselor listened to us several sessions, then asked him to leave the room and asked me "what are you doing staying with this guy?"

    He helped me chose a date to get out of the marriage and I did.

    in your case, however, I feel you two may reconcile. dont be mad at me for saying this. it seems like you are both angry and upset and still having a tug of war. yet, I think you both still care.

    time will tell.
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    in your case, however, I feel you two may reconcile. dont be mad at me for saying this. it seems like you are both angry and upset and still having a tug of war. yet, I think you both still care.
    time will tell. </div></div>

    This will all really depend on his actions during this seperation. That is why I am not looking at this as a short term thing. He needs to be able to accept what the counselor is telling him and be willing to change his behaviors. I will not ever even think of getting back with him unless I feel in my heart that this will NEVER happen again. I won't allow myself to be put through this again in my lifetime.

    Then again, I know I still care what happens to him, we have been together since we were 16, but I don't really miss him right now. So that kind of says something in itself. Not sure if it's the anger not allowing me to miss him, or if he just killed something inside me.

    I am taking the time I need and leaving myself wide open to whatever will come of this. He could do a complete 360 with counseling, but then again he can think very imaturley and just continue to self destruct. Right now all I see him doing is experimenting with different relationships to make sure this is what he wants/or needs to find out if he wants, and that isn't what I'm expecting from this seperation. He certainly isn't going to go from women to women and then come back and say, nope that wasn't what I really wanted.

    What I would expect from him is for him to think about what he would like to see happen at the end of this seperation, and take the steps he feels he needs to, that may or may not allow that to happen. His mentality doesn't always allow him to process things like that. To me if he wants the outcome to be for our marriage to maybe have a change at all in the end of this, he wouldn't be seeing any other women or even be thinking of having any kind of relationship, but he would be going to counseling and working on his issues and learning to make himself independent and happy. This isn't up to me to tell him though. It's up to him to figure it out.

    I guess in the end his actions will speak louder then words. He can say anything he wants to me about wanting nothing more then to save our marriage and have his old life back, but then when he walks out the door and calls one of his "friends" to make him happy, everything he said goes right out the window.
     
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think this is excellent! Seeing separate counselors never made sense to me, but you'd be surprised at how few counselors agree to this! Kudos to you. And even H....I guess. ;o)

    I know what you mean about wanting 3 hours to just unload completely and explore every freakin thought in your head! I once had a counselor who gave us 2 hours the first couple of times we saw her. And we were paying cash, but she didn't make us pay extra. She was GREAT - too bad she retired and moved to FL. I miss her - I know she would have been great for difficult child.

    So, good for you!
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Karen, I am just amazed at how level headed you are. I am not sure if this is just your personality or if it is this counselor. If it is the counselor - you owe her big time! LOL!

    Your thoughts are all, in my humble opinion, the best way to approach this.

    I do agree with Janet though. I think it best not to deny any possible solution or end result.
    Frankly, you are not guaranteed with any relationship for it to be pain free. Anyone at anytime can go through this.

    I hope he realizes just how lucky he is to have you in his life. I hope he learns to cherish you again. I hope he enjoys cherishing you again. I hope you both figure out how to continue to cherish each other daily.
    Everyone makes mistakes and everyone can get through something like this - if they choose to. He may not choose to do what is necessary to get through this. If not, so be it.

    If that can not happen. I hope and wish for you to be happy.
     
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: busywend</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Karen, I am just amazed at how level headed you are. I am not sure if this is just your personality or if it is this counselor. If it is the counselor - you owe her big time! LOL!
    </div></div>

    I am a pretty level headed person to begin with, but I owe so much to my wonderful counselor because she helps me to remain level headed and helps me figure out if I'm not being as level headed as I could be. The best thing she does for me is helping me to be able to stand up for myself because I have a huge problem with not saying how I feel, holding it in and kicking myself for it afterwards. This is caused by my own anxiety over confrontation. Plus I'm always so worried about making someone else uncomfortable at the expense of my own comfort.

    I do owe her big time!! She is awesome.
     
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Karen, you are helping me learn, too. I am the same way. Never want to make anyone else unhappy or uncomfortable. I even drive politely!!

    I sometimes say how I feel, but it comes days later. And a lot of the time I just let it go because it is an old topic at that point.

    Thank you for sharing what you are learning!
     
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I keep wondering about the children...how are they doing with the
    changes? I'm hoping that difficult child's new life has helped him to cope but can't help but wonder about easy child since she always tries to be
    so mature. DDD
     
  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    The kids are doing o.k. This has actually brought h and difficult child closer. H, who never paid too much attention to difficult child, now calls him almost daily. I guess he's feeling a loss of family and now decided this is how he needs to stay connected. Him and his new girlfriend are actually going up to VT with h this weekend.

    easy child doesn't really seem to fazed by all of it. I think she really loves the 2 of us living here alone because there is no stress to deal with. I think she has heard much more of what her dad has been doing then I have told her. The house he lives at is only down the street from easy child's boyfriend, so chances that boyfriend has seen h out and about with other women is probably pretty good. She doesn't seem to want to talk about any of it, but she shows her support to me by getting dinner started if I'm running late and really sharing the household chores. It's like she feels this is our house for now, just the 2 of us, and she kind of likes it.

    She isn't really paying to much attention to h and isn't really answering when he calls or returning calls. he was trying to convince her last week to come see where he lives and meet the lesbian that he is living with. I have nothing against lesbians, in fact I have met her and she's very nice, but I'm sure a 17 year old girl feels a little awkward about the fact that her father is living with a lesbian and is not at all comfortable with going there. I'm not going to push her to do anything she is uncomfortable with, just to make him happy. Heck, I have done that for to long myself.

    I'm sure he will mention this in counseling next week and I'll leave it to the counselor to tell him how to deal with it. It's not my responsibility to fix their relationship. The counselor taught me that years ago about h and difficult child.

    For the most part, I think both kids are handling it pretty well. I think difficult child is actually enjoying the fact that his father is actually paying attention to him for a change.
     
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds reasonable. I am just so very very glad that difficult child has a
    nice girl at his side now...especially if his Dad has decided it
    is ok to try drugs, for heavens sake! DDD
     
Loading...