Sadlady, I would not personalize this or even make it about you. It's about a little girl who may have a genetic predisposition to mental illness or neurological problems, may have had a birthmother who drank too much and caused fetal alcohol effects, and your daughter is not the same as a child you gave birth to. Often a child that you adopt as young as one can attach like biological kids, but some kids, especially those from orphanages, don't attach for various reasons--no love/touching/nurturing in infancy, no primary caregiver (so she didn't learn to trust any one person), again the genetic mental illness or neurological problem or prenatal drug/alcohol exposure possibility, etc. This is really about HER and HER problelms and it doesn't sound that, up until now, she has gotten much help. She needs it. She can not show you love (or maybe not love you for a reason that is not your fault). However, many people on this board gave birth to their kids and are having the same problems. You have to put your own hurt aside and not look to others to love you (this is cliche, but we need to love ourselves) and I'd try to HELP your child. You may be able to do a lot of good. I'm not a huge fan of attachment therapy, but I know some have used it and some claim it helps a lot.
Even if you have no trouble with the spoon, and use it sparingly, it can still be turned in as child abuse and you won't get too many social workers to be sympathetic to your point of view. If you bruise her, you are REALLY in trouble and I can't imagine a wooden spoon NOT bruising her. Also, she is NOT you. She was not born into a stable, loving family who doted on her. She was sent to an orphanage where there were tons of other babies who the workers tried to nurture, but it was impossible (I have two overseas adoptions). My daughter who came from Korea had a foster mother who spoiled her rotten and she had no trouble attaching to us. But my six year old son from Hong Kong had never had any real nurturing in his orphanage and, brilliant kid that he was, was able to articulate his lack of ability to feel love towards me and his dad (and we gave him everything too). He wanted to love us, but he couldn't. He was a good kid, never got into any trouble, never disrespected us, but he didn't attach to us either. When you adopt, if you truly expect an older adopted child to attach to you like a biological child or an infant, you are not prepared (not your fault--your social worker should have warned you). I'm lucky my adopted son who was two attached to us so quickly because that's unusual. But he also was in a loving foster home before us. That matters. There are good books on adopting hurt children and I suggest reading them. For all you know, she could have been molested in the orphanage. The info we get is sketchy, at best. in my opinion you should focus on helping your daughter and try not to worry about your hub's lack of ability to show affection and your daughter's inability to love. I would get individual therapy for yourself because you sound so stressed and unhappy. It's different to be in family therapy and to have your own therapist. If your hub lived in a loveless home, he's going to have trouble being demonstrative. Your daughter's first year is a reason why she can't be demonstrative. I hope your testing involves neuropsychologist. Do you know anything at all about her birthparents? That would give you so many clues to her behaviors.
Good luck (I'd still go easy on the spoon--THAT gives me the creeps). Take care!