My daughters new husband is.........

[standswithcourage]

My daughters husband, they have been married almost one year in Oct., is driving her nuts I think. He has a job where he travels out of state not very much but every now and then. He went to Iowa recently. It is a professional outing with his job but they played golf on this trip. Well he has a Facebook, kinda like a MySpace, my daughter does too and they both have the couple MySpace. Anyway, their was an 18 year old girl on his Facebook page from Iowa. My daughter sees it and ask him who it is - he says what are you talking about - she says who is this girl - he says she was a golf player and was showing them how to play golf when he went to Iowa. Well my daughter says she is well endowed and nice looking and wonders why she is emailing him. He gets mad and says she (my daughter) is crazy and insecure. He screams and threatens to leave her if she continues talking about it. He says he didnt do anything with the girl. My daughter asked him to remove her from his Facebook and he said no. He said he didnt need to go to counseling about it she did. Is this not ridiculous? He is 29 years old. What would he care where he girl went to college or how she did playing golf? My daughter emailed her and the girl told her she was the bartender and that the guys were all drunk and nothing happened. She just talked to him. Well he is a big talker. I am trying to stay out of it - I know marriage is hard but he is just a jerk - she has been with him 7 years and they just got married in Oct. if this continues how is she going to hang on! What do you think? He told her she needed to see a shrink that she was f-ing crazy.

 

[GoingNorth]

Reminder:

You cannot live your daughter's life.

Do not adviser her in any way unless she specifically asks you for your help.

I see a real risk of you winding up in the "living life for them" morass you've already gotten into with your difficult child.

Your daughter is an ADULT and her choices are hers and hers alone.

Sit on your lips to quote a long time board member, and let this play itself out.

 

[Stella Johnson]

I agree, he sounds like a jerk but with that said, I would stay out of it. If he is cheating, she will eventually catch him and it will blow up. It's quite apparent the lies have already started. He told her that the other girl played golf with them... while she says she is a bartender.

I know it is hard to see your child hurt but this is something she has to do on her own.

steph

 

[Marguerite]

I think the others are right. The last thing you need is to become the meat in the sandwich. Let's look at two possible scenarios:

1) Your daughter discovers/decides he's a cheat and not worth the trouble and leaves him. sister in law blames YOU for advising her and 'helping' her make this decision.

OR

2) Your daughter initially leans heavily on you, says she is going to dump him, you support her and say, "there, there," or "plenty of other fish in the sea," and she goes to counselling. Then at a later stage after happily badmouthing him for weeks - she decides to take him back. And then SHE blames you (and tells him) that she wouldn't have had ANY suspicions, if it wasn't for you.

Even if you actually say nothing to influence her - when it comes down to a choice between your parent or your chosen spouse, 99% of the time people will choose the spouse. Ironically, they are MORE inclined to choose the spouse when the louse IS a cheating rat; the element of doubt needs to be assuaged in their own minds and ANY hint of, "You're well out of it," could be turned into, "I need to stay with him - he needs me, nobody supports him." Or "I must somehow justify my choosing him in the face of commonsense to the contrary."

You need to make it clear that she has to make her own choices but you will support her whatever choice she makes. And whatever choice she makes - it has to be wholeheartedly, no looking back, no regrets.

But my own thoughts - she expressed suspicions and given the evidence that was bothering her, she was entitled to a gentle, reasoned explanation. For him to attack like that was unwarranted. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.

She has to make up her own mind and deal with this herself. Undoubtedly if she can't bend your ear about this, she will talk to her girlfriends about it; that's not really a good idea either. He is right in this, she probably SHOULD talk to a counsellor. Since he clearly isn't interested in going, she should go by herself. After all, she is only doing what he told her to do.

Sounds like she has to make some choices. But they need to be HER choices. They also need to be SEEN to be her choices.

The other thing I would do if I were your daughter (but this is me) - I would make friends with this girl, genuinely make friends independently of the one thing they have in common (ie your sister in law) and keep this friendship fairly quiet. It COULD be a way to find out more, or not. It could also be a way to make a new friend.

And if he ever finds out that his wife and his possible one-night-stand are now best buddies, he might think twice next time.

It's also much harder to be jealously resentful of the girl if she is now a good friend. Better karma.

It's likely nothing happened with this girl. If she works as a bartender, she would be fairly resistant to casual drunken flirts. It's probable that all he DID was talk. And hope.

Marg

 

[smallworld]

I'm moving this thread to the Watercooler because it really doesn't pertain to parents dealing with difficult child children.

 

[Hound dog]

Stands

Sadly, this is something your daughter has to deal with on her own. The very best thing you can do for her is to be her sounding board if she wants one and a shoulder to cry on if she needs it.

Otherwise, anything you say or do is likely to backfiire against you.

If the marriage is bad, she'll wise up eventually.

It's frustrating, but that's the way it is.

Hugs

 

[Fran]

This is a hard place to be. You can't be the stereotypical m i l and get involved but you can help parent an adult child with words of wisdom. If she is receptive.
She is pretty young and as we all know the road of solid marriage and child rearing is 95% hard work and 5% love.
Daughter can't control her husband. She can tell him how she feels when an 18yr old is writing her husband and not accuse him. The fact that he was drunk at a work outing doesn't speak well of his behavior or future.
She could ask him how he would feel if she had a guy writing her. It's sort of rude to the other spouse isn't it? Especialy for newlyweds who are still not on a strong foundation.
On the other hand, he will be exposed to members of the opposite sex his whole working career and if daughter and husband don't put up some marital boundaries this topic will continue to pop up. Once daughter feels more confident of the strength of her marriage and choice, this won't be such a volatile topic.

He sounds defensive and she sounds accusatory. Neither one are using good techniques for a healthy marriage.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Yes, absolutely STAY OUT of it. Not one word, unless asked.

Been married 21 years and my Mother, just this week, got in the middle of husband and I over something that, though not a big deal, but nonetheless, is a consistent area of disagreement between us. She usually doesn't do that, but seems she has a few frustrations with me too.

Let me tell you, I went off. I'm still very, very, very, angry at my Mom. She's older and been through a lot so I really had to contain myself. However, it is going to take time for me to trust her again.

Stay out of it. Please!

 

[Abbey]

I might be the discenting vote here. Imagine that.

I don't do Myspace, etc. But, most of my good friends are guys. It's been that way since I was a teen. I do have some girlfriends, but the majority are men. I don't know why other than I don't do the typical girl things....shopping, doing lunch, buying furniture, going to the spa, having my nails done, etc.

I talk to guys on my cell more than I do my girlfriends. husband doesn't mind. He knows them all and I guess is secure in those relationships.

You said your daughter is insecure. That's a tough one to deal with. If my husband forbid me to talk to one of my guy friends, visit them, go out for a drink with them, dinner, I would be livid. In my mind, it's no different than the same activities with a girlfriend. In fact, over the long run, it would be a deal breaker.

My phone will ring and if I'm not around, husband will answer it. "Oh...it's Bill." He doesn't care. He's met Bill and know he's a good guy.

I met a guy at my new work who is a hoot...Matt. We have already gone out to dinner with him.

Maybe the problem is that he is not inviting her to join in the friendship. That makes you suspicious.

As a mother in law...stay out of it. They are adults and will need to work this out on their own.

Just my 2 cents.

Abbey

 

[nvts]

Stands!

Stay out of it, be supportive and tell her to continue to go to counseling. She needs to investigate why she doesn't trust him. Once she determines that, she'll be ready to take the appropriate measures.

For my 2 cents? He sounds like a "class A Jack@ss". "No, I won't take her off", "You have the problem". She sure does, she married YOU!!!

Just my humble opinion!

Maybe she should make a smart- remark like "I'll be back later hon, I'm going to get checked for STD's!" (I know I'm being spiteful, but you may remember I went through my own scare of infidelity and it still makes me mad to think about it!).

Remember: be supportive generically, offer a strong shoulder and no advice. She's a big girl, she's got to make her own decisions. HOWEVER: they sell voo-doo dolls at Spensers! Just in case...


Beth

 

[DDD]

As the parent of many married "kids", I strongly (very strongly) suggest that you stay out of it. If your daughter brings anything up about her husband simply say "I know you will make the right choices." Then, change the subject to a tv show or a movie or the weather.

It is almost impossible to reunite with your adult child once they have felt it necessary to chose between a spouse and a parent! DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

Ugh, Oh God, Stands...I am going through similar junk with my easy child at the moment (am going to post separately).

All I can say is "I feel your pain"...it's difficult to be a confidante for your daughter and stay out of it all at the same time. I do it for my friend's all the time, but with my daughter it's different - different emotions are running on HIGH. BUT, that said, when I feel the overwhelming desire to say something that I really shouldn't (to either daughter or her boyfriend) I excuse myself and hang up...or I turn my cell off (the boyfriend calls me and texts me). I literally recuse myself from the situation. That is what you have to do. They are adults. Be the shoulder your daughter needs, but the rest is between them. Oh, and I think he's a lying weiner too! While they were together for 7 years, did they ever have any breaks so they could 'sow their oats'?

 

[meowbunny]

Another one that says stay out of it. My daughter has had two major boy friends. I truly did not like the first one. I did, however, listen when she vented. If she asked my opinion, I would couch things with the fact that this was me, not her but if guy says he's going to call, he better call. If he says he's going to do something, then it better get done. If a man put me down in front of his friends to look good, I'd be out the door. That is what I expect in the men whom I date. I'm worth it and so is she. She stayed with the dork until he made the mistake of yelling at me. She told him that she can talk to her mother that way but no one else can. rofl That was the end of that slacker.

Her next boy friend was and is a sweetie. However, he's trying to work a full-time job, be a manager for a Christian band and be a record producer. That didn't leave a lot of time for her. She broke up with him when it became the norm that he would say he was coming over or would call her and never did. They still care for each other but she realized that she wanted more out of a relationship than he was capable of giving at this time.

Your daughter has to learn to make her own decisions. It's hard to not step in and tell her what she should be doing. You can see it. She has to decide on her own. If you tell her and she follows your advice, you're going to lose -- she'll always wonder if that was the right choice, if she shouldn't have followed her heart.

Just be there for her. Don't tell her what to do. Don't even suggest it. Just let her come to you to vent and hold her when she cries. That's the best thing you can do.

 

[susiestar]

STAY OUT OF THIS!!!

DON'T TURN THIS INTO THE SAME TYPE OF UNHEALTHY INVOLVEMENT YOU HAVE WITH YOUR difficult child!!

There is NO way to win if you get involved with this. anything you say or do will ahve a bad result.

The advice above is the best and you should follow it!

I do think that anyone with a question about whether the spouse is cheating should get tested for STDs AND insist on condoms for intimate situations, but if you advise this it will backfire.

Let your daughter handle this herself.

 

[witzend]

Please note that every single person who has replied has said "stay out of it." Some have given you great big long explanations as to why, the short explanation being "It's not your marriage and she is an adult".

I would point out that bartenders can go golfing too. If there is a large group of men at a sales meeting, they are going to go to a bar. One of them might invite the bartender to go golfing with them. People seem to be jumping to conclusions here, and what I see is that your daughter doesn't trust her husband, not that he has done anything wrong.

Again. Stay out of it. It's none of your business.

 

[Star*]

I keep thinking back to my marriage -

HE thought we had an open marriage - I was sure it was just he and I.

My mother - NEVER EVER said anything about him or against him or for him for that matter (not much nice to say). The only thing she said was the day I finally left and had Dude - "After 13 years I'll finally sleep tonight."

Mom was right - had she spoken to ME against him - I would have defended him to her.
If she has spoken FOR him - it would have worsened my already low self esteem or made me wonder "what IS wrong with me? even my Mom thinks this behavior is normal."

So that being said if YOU want MY advice? I think you should stay AWAY from this and allow them to work it out. I think what Fran said also is very true - she's accusing - he's defending and that is NO way to build a lifetime of trust. As far as your daughter calling the 18 year old? What did she expect this woman to say "Yes I slept with your husband?" - not gonna happen. And he's going to continue to go out, go to meetings. Either she can decide NOW that she's going to trust him or doesn't.

If she trusted him enough to marry him - what would make her think all of a sudden that he's cheating? There is more to this story that I don't think you want to know. And as for the go to a shrink she's f'ing crazy - WOW - not fair. But neither was her accusing him of something.

They (not you) need to learn how to fight fair. Maybe my only suggestion would be that they both get couples therapy for learning how to fight fair.

 

[BusynMember]

Good heavens, you're doing it again. You CAN'T make things better for your grown kids. Good lord, don't talk to him and let her make her own decision. I don't like my daughter's SO, and I talk to her when she asks for advice, but NEVER would I directly get involved. Stay out of your grown kids lives.

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry this is happening. I can imagine how it is tearing you up.
I have to add to the list of "stay out of it" people. Even if it is just an unimportant person, the husband's reaction was over the top, unless he was yelling at your daughter because she provoked him. Either way, you're stuck watching from the sidelines. Bad situation. Stay strong.

 

[DammitJanet]

Another in a long line of...STAY OUT OF IT people.

They had a fight. You get her side. He is probably telling his buddies his side. The real story is probably somewhere in the middle. When they make up...and they will...if you get in the middle of this fight...you will be the one they are mad at. So not worth it. I have lived through 2 marriages now with my middle son...and believe me...I dont open my mouth about anything going on in his marriage. I just smile and nod. I didnt even say a word about his lying cheating ex wife until she was long gone and he was divorced and I knew it was ok to say it. Even now I dont say a whole lot about her.

 

[witzend]

I didnt even say a word about his lying cheating ex wife until she was long gone and he was divorced and I knew it was ok to say it. Even now I dont say a whole lot about her.

Yes, crow is a dish best served cold.

Stands, that's 18 replies and 18 "stay out of it"s. You'll find that easiest to do if you don't wonder what you can do to fix it.