My daughters new husband is.........

mrscatinthehat

Seussical
Read any good books lately? That is somethign you could do in my opinion to not get involved. I have been through two divorces. Parents and family said NOTHING about either one. I was resistant in even meeting with boyfriend of difficult child 1 but did and kept conversation pretty bland most of the time.

I too must add myself to the list of STAY OUT OF IT people.

beth
 
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Ok I am going to stay out of it. I dont call her and ask what is going on. She did tell me she emailed the girl. But I have been there to listen and not offer advice - just bite my tongue when she told me what he said - I tried to tell her to watch how she talked to him also - but no more said - also someone asked if they had had time to sow their oats - well he has - he sowed a lot of oats in college - about 20 to be exact or that is what my daughter said he said - who knows - she was actually worried about HIV because of it - she met him when she was 16 - he was 23 - we thought he was 19 because she told he was but we found out otherwise and said she couldnt date him - we made them come to the house and stay - well then that just wasnt enough and he asked if he could take her out - so anyway - she broke up with him about 2 years ago - he went nuts - she dated one of the other guys in the group that they hung out with - he was very nice and could see how her boyfriend treated her - anyway something happened =- I think he told her he was going to kill himself - and also he called me and cried over the phone - I told him she had never been able to date anyone else because she had always been with him and to let her sow her oats while she was still young - well they got back together and have been together ever since - he throws up to her that she slept with the guy she was dating but she didnt - their relationship was different than that - he throws that up to her when he wants to make her upset
 

DazedandConfused

Well-Known Member
Remember, staying out of it doesn't mean you don't support your daughter, or that you don't love her. It means you respect her enough to allow her to live her own adult life and make her own adult decisions. Even if you think disaster is going to strike. Know that you will worry about her.

You love her.

You respect her.

You keep all opinions to yourself.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Susan...

My son was 19 when he got married....barely. He had just entered the Marines, gone through boot camp, dumped his very first girlfriend at the alter after he caught her cheating on him, gone through more Marine training...and then gone to his duty station. That is when he found his first wife. He married her basically on the rebound. I knew it was a fiasco waiting to happen but other than looking at him askew and asking him one time if he was sure this was what he wanted to do...I kept my mouth shut.

Not much over a year or so later he caught her IN HIS OWN BED with another Marine from his own battalion whom he had command over. At the time Jamie was a Lance Corporal and this boy was a private. What a slap in the face to my son. Later he found out she slept with others too.

Oh you dont know how badly I wanted to hurt this girl. I wanted to lash out at her badly. My baby...MY BABY...was hurting badly. The Marines took my sons gun and sent him home on family leave. They were afraid of what he might do and I dont blame them. Actually though my son is more level headed than that. He came home and played some vile music and talked a bit but I really didnt say much to him other than that we would be behind him no matter what he decided to do. He made the decision to go talk to the lawyers and send her packing. We stood behind him all the way...but silently supporting him.

We were there with hugs, kisses and "I love yous". I think the worst thing I said during that whole time was that I really hated that she did that to him and that I suspected because of some of her past behaviors that she probably was a difficult child. He said he thought so too.

You really have to take this approach with grown kids.
 
Well I am hoping everything is ok now. She said he brought her flowers and I said that was so nice. I also gave him a abirthday card with a small gift certificate in it. They are going to the football game in Atlanta this weekend and my daughter got tickets for them to see Robin Williams for their anniversary. Why she got the tickets - I dont know - but I will not say a word. I talk to her about every day but dont ask about that situation. If she wants to confide in me she always can but I will not give advice that would bad mouth her husband unless of course he hit her or something. I hope not ever. Anyway - I am assuming everything is ok.
 

nvts

Active Member
Stands: All that being said by the whole crowd, DO feel free to say what you WISH what you could say to her about him to US! ;)

You can bounce all of it past all of us...it's not criminal or dangerous to her relationship if you blow off steam to your "buddies on the web!"

Vent, vent, vent!

You've done good mommy!

Beth
 
I hate to vent bad things but one time when they broke up she was somewhere probably partying or something and she came home very late because her tires had been slashed and she had to get a tow truck to tow the car and someone brought her home! Also their was once when he was put in jail for one night for simple assault when he was living in an apartment and she spent a l Occupational Therapist (OT) of time over there and some neighbors heard them arguing and they probably had too much to drink and the next thing we know he was in jail but was bailed out. I found that out because a letter came in my mailbox and my daughter and I have the same first name and I thought it was mine and oopened it and it said that the person - the victim was her and that he had been let out of jail - meaning him - her now husband - I was so worried - I asked her about it and of course she said it was blown out of porportion - I never heard what actually happened - so - that just makes me a little weary but I know he loves her I just dont believe it shows it as much as he should - also he plays that fantasy football and that takes up time away from her - he is on the computer doing that - I just hate it -
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
Stands, if there is clear cut physical abuse, than you should do an intervention with her friends and family. If there isn't, than just listen to your daugher. Be there for her. Explain to her that you are worried about her and that if she needs it, she can come home to you, no questions asked. Other than that, there is NOTHING you can do. If you try to inject yourself into the situation, you will eventually alienate yourself from her and him and HE will be able to use it to convince her not to tell you anything ever again. If he is as calculated as you say, he will use it....trust me. I've seen this happen in my own family and with a friend with an overbearing significant other.

The best thing for you to do is to keep uplifting your daughter with praise and tell her that she is such a wonderful person. (don't keep telling her that she doesn't deserve this). Just let her know that you are there if she needs you.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I have been doing this dance with my daughter for six years. I listen to her, give my .02 when asked, but don't get involved as she won't leave him anyway and will get an "us against the world" attitude if I do that. She knows I'm here for her, but I have never been anything but nice to her SO (at least to his face). I think your daughter's hub is a jerk for having a girl on his MySpace. In MY world, if hub did that, I"d start packing. I don't think married people should have friends of the opposite sex unless wife is just as close. I wouldn't do it to my hub and he wouldn't do it to me. However, daughter's SO did that to her, and I did tell her she had a right to be angry. However, I didn't tell her what to do about it. My daughter has grown so much and learned a lot...I trust her to make good decisions in the end. If she doesn't, I'm sure she will learn from her mistakes. We are very good friends and talk about everything--EVERYTHING (this is how I found out the Too-Much-Information about all the drugs she once used...ugh). But I never directly interfer. She knows she can come home if necessary. She knows I'm her biggest cheerleader. But I don't tell her what to do. I let her think for herself. She's 24--I can't live forever. She needs to learn to make her own decisions.
Good luck.
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
If your daughter's addiction is to men who treat her mean, sleep with other women, party at every chance, there is little chance you will influence her choice. Hopefully she will find out that she can do more for herself and the dream of a healthy, functioning family.

I sent an article to someone I love about how some mates isolate the other and start to control them. It was the only thing I could do. Needless to say she didn't listen when she read it but it planted a seed in her head and she did eventually fight the addiction and leave the dog. It was her choice and at her time. I never said one word against the guy.
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Stands, my difficult child knows that Monkeyboy is bad for her, that he is emotionally abusive to her, that he has been neglectful, is a pothead and lazy. She is still seeing him....when he blatantly blows her off to hang with his friends, she will stop, look at me and say, "Don't say anything". And I don't. I want to SCREAM out loud about what a jerk he is, how she deserves better, she's wasting her time with him...she'll never get back these best years of her life....all the fun she's missing, etc. But I keep my mouth shut. I didn't always do that. I used to say all those things to her...but now I don't. She has to figure it out on her own and in her own time. She KNOWS already. Your daughter probably also knows already.

But like nvts said, vent here....tell it here. You will get the feedback you need and not kicked in the face when your daughter chooses to defend her marriage to a jerk again. Like someone else here, I'd be a more than a little grossed and p.i.ssed if my H had a MySpace with 'girls' on other than our daughters. H chats it up with my girlfriends when they call, but then passes the phone to me. I chat it up once in a while with his friends when they call, but again, I pass the phone to him. I have one guy that I am friends with more than H is and he's my mechanic and when we run into him, he and H talk more than we do! It's nothing. But emailing with another woman, in my opinion, is not okay. So while I agree with you about your sister in law, you just have to sit back and be quiet. It stinks! And now with my easy child coming home and [likely] fanning the flames with her old boyfriend, I will have to keep my mouth zipped. It's a stupid move, but she'll be 21 and he is 23, so what the heck can I possibly say?? Haha.

It's hard being a momma.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I had to giggle when you said you are upset about him playing fantasy football because it takes time away from the family. Ummmm....isnt your daughter on the computer using Myspace? Arent you on HERE which is on the internet too? Same thing.

I used to play fantasy football and might do it again this year. Jamie has done it the last two years but cant this year because of being deployed mid season. We have had a blast with it. Its harmless.
 
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