My difficult child#1 is in foster care...long...sorry!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nlg319, Apr 15, 2007.

  1. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    We went to court on Wednesday to appear in front of the judge re:CHINS.(Child In Need of Services) I pretty much told him all the behaviors that were going on and that at this point we could not manage her at home and that I felt she was out of control. He ordered her into the custody of DSS(Dept. of Social Services). I left the court in tears. A DSS supervisor talked to husband and I and asked us to go home and pack some of her things. Meanwhile, difficult child#1 had her usual angry look. She actually told the judge she wanted to go to a foster home. We went home, packed some stuff and I returned to the court. difficult child#1 had already left with a DSS social worker. I thought that I would at least be able to say goodbye to her and that I loved her. I was upset that I didn't get that chance. I brought her bags, 4 altogether with her backpack and softball equipment, to the DSS supervisor who would drive back to the office to give my daughter her things. I sat in the car in the parking lot and sobbed. Wondering what had I just done??? How could I let her go and stay with people I don't know...What if someone hurt her??

    By 5pm that afternoon, they had not found a place for her. I called my mom and asked her if she would take difficult child for one night. She agreed. So, the first night she spent with my mom. My mom drove her to school the next day. I was on the phone all day trying to figure out the best way to help my daughter. There is a shortage of foster homes in this area, so most likely difficult child would go from one hotline home to the next. Thursday, the 2nd night, she stayed at one of these hotline homes.She did not go to school on Friday. She stayed in the DSS office all day waiting to be placed. They found her another hotline home for the weekend.

    I talked to the Social worker assigned to the case and she told me that difficult child disclosed some information about recent sexual activity involving 2 boys, over the age of 18. Without getting into details, I am sickened, heartbroken and feeling completley helpness. difficult child agreed to go to police station to talk with detectives. She gave names. These boys will be charged with rape. The state law says that children under 16 are not of age to give consent. These boys will be charged with rape. I spent Friday night sick and in tears.

    difficult child called me yesterday, and sounded angry. She didn't want the boys to get in trouble and said that the SW tricked her into giving information. I tried to explain that what happened was NOT ok. I explained how the law worked and she said that what happened is what she wanted to happen. I know this is untrue. No 15 yr. old girl wants to be used by 2 boys back and forth until they are finished with her.

    difficult child called me this morning in tears. The foster home apparantly has rules...only can shower at night between 8-8:30, only watch tv from 7-9pm. etc. Nothing unreasonable but this is finally sinking in. She was dropped off at the mall, didn't want to be alone and needed jeans and a belt from home. She asked me to meet her. I did. We spent 2 hours together, difficult child cried almost the entire time.

    My heart is breaking...she is dealing with so much...I am second guessing myself in whether I did the right things or not. I know that I could not have her violent and threatening behavior at home with my 2 boys here. I feel so helpless. No one feels what I do. I am her mother and despite all the terrible things she has said and done to me, I only want to protect her and hate to see her in pain...
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry for your pain. My difficult child is much younger so I don't have any advice but did want to send some cyber hugs and prayers your way.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome. So sorry-but so happy/relieved--you found us.
    Actually, it sounds very much like you did the right thing. You said, "I know that I could not have her violent and threatening behavior at home with my 2 boys there." and "The foster home apparently has rules...only can shower at night between 8-8:30, only watch tv from 7-9 p.m. etc. Nothing unreasonable but this is finally sinking in."

    Bravo! THIS is what WILL sink in. This will work if you let it work. She knows you love her because you met with-her at the mall and spent two hrs together. That was more than a halfway mark, in my humble opinion. You cannot rescue her any more.
    She has made some VERY poor choices that involve other people. First off, her behavior at home got her sent to state custody. Second, her sexual behavior got two boys in trouble.
    She needs to face those facts.

    You said, "I only want to protect her and hate to see her in pain."

    I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry you have to go through this. But your "protecting" her has not provided the consequences you meant to achieve. What you have done at this point is "outsource." That can be a good thing. Your daughter is now a young adult and already facing some very difficult choices and consequences. She sounds like the kind of person who has always learned everything the hard way. Trust her to learn.

    Read the other notes on this bb. You will see where other parents have done exactly the same thing you have, incl. crying their eyes out, second guessing their decisions for placement. Some of the kids came back home changed and better for the experience. Some didn't. I suspect yours will... she apparently didn't think you'd go through with it.

    Hugs and strength. This is a hard time for you. You can do it.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm sorry for your pain. My husband & I had to place our wm in a therapeutic group home with foster parents in charge. It was one of the most heartbreaking decisions in our lives.

    I'm sorry that the situation came to protecting yourself & other children from difficult child.

    I pray that it sinks in for difficult child. That she sees that she could no longer continue to hold your family hostage (for whatever reason) & that there are consequences for unsafe choices.

    Sending you gentle (((hugs))) tonight.
  5. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Just when I think that no one knows how I feel, I see the replies and I realize that there are other moms whose hearts break too!
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The disclosures she gave could be a signpost to other, older but connected events which could explain the behaviour problems, at least in part. If she was being used back and forth by two boys over 18 "until they are finished with her", what would this do to her self-respect? And what is it in her that allowed it to happen? Has something else happened before, to predispose her? This sort of thing can snowball.

    If she had stayed with you, she probably would have continued to be difficult and a hazard. She has disclosed now, possibly to try to stop the process of separation from you? Not sure, but I suspect also because the SW is NOT you, difficult child 1 disclosed to a stranger who is probably also skilled in extracting information.

    By asking for help, you have set in motion a series of events which have fairly quickly led to SOME information coming to light, which could help her. I believe there's probably more - her self-esteem must have been rock-bottom for these boys to even have a chance at getting past her guard.

    You are doing the best thing you can right now. I'm glad you got to spend some time with her - she needs to know you love her, but her behaviour is too dangerous at the moment, for her to be near you and her siblings. Who knows? Maybe the process of taking action against these boys will help her see events in a better perspective, and she will feel more able to talk about other things (I'm betting these boys were the latest in a string of very nasty and degrading things with her - not her fault legally, but she'd be more vulnerable to further exploitation as a result). 15 is fairly old for something like you describe to have been her first time. Maybe questioning those boys will bring more events to light. I really hope this is going to lead to a mot more help for her, in learning that she deserves better than that.

    Hang in there, be strong.

  7. oceans

    oceans New Member

    So sorry that you are going through so much pain. I am hoping that this experience will be healing for your difficult child and that she will be able to come back home feeling more whole, and much better about herself. The structure and rules are good for her. difficult child's need it, and sometimes it takes a different environment to help them learn to follow the rules and begin to understand themselves and their place in the world a little better.
  8. owutaqt

    owutaqt New Member

    Hopefully they will find a more stable placement for her soon, as a foster parent, I know we are not all bad. We mostly are into it for the right reasons. Be VERY careful with DCFS, they can make things happen in the past that never were. I only say that because of experience.

    It is good that she is talking and that she is realizing that she has to follow rules not only in your home, but in society, all families have rules, and she is learning that the hard way. I hope it sinks in and when she comes home that things go more smoothly.

    Right now, know that you are doing the right thing, you are protecting your family, your WHOLE family, sometimes we get so caught up in trying to protect our difficult children we forget the whole picture.

    HUGS mom, you are going to get through this and so will your difficult child, hoping and praying fot the best here.
  9. panda

    panda New Member

    i haven't had any problems like that just yet, i just wanted to send hugs your way, and let you know that you are not the only mom out there that feels like they are failing in some kind of way
  10. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #990000"> it seems to me that every parent who has their child placed feels much the same as you are now....rethinking the decision & full of self doubt. now is the time you need to stay strong & firm.

    you have to give her this opportunity to learn from this.

    </span> </span> </span>
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One of the beauties about stumbling onto this site, is the realization that most everything you are going through, someone here has gone through it before.

    You are not alone. Keeping the rest of the family safe is admirable and you are doing the right thing. It is unfortunate that her placement is up in the air because it is giving you pause to rethink.

    You are being a warrior mom at the best.

    Lots of hugs to you this morning.

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wish you and your child good luck and that she finally gets the help she needs without endangering your younger kids. Hugs.
  13. judi

    judi Active Member

    When I came to ConductDisorders in March 2001, our son had just been admitted to a mental health inpatient unit. I cried buckets as did my husband. I know the heartache of not knowing if you did the right thing. However, you have to try everything.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs. Just remember that you did not make a
    quick and unthinking choice about your daughters placement. She
    needs help that she can not get at home. I'm sorry for your pain
    and anquish. Saying a prayer for you and yours. DDD
  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am in pain along with you. your love for her is clear. you also are struggling with having the strength to stop her from self destructing. I still do that with my son.

    I want to protect him. I have been unsuccessful in doing that up to this point. mostly because he himself does not want protected and has a game plan of his own.

    let some time and distance come into play here so the lesson sinks in for your daughter.
  16. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    been there done that, it is NOT a good place to be in, that is for dang sure. I hate the self doubt, guilt, and everything else that goes with not being able to help my child in my own home without LOTS of help. My difficult child was in "therapeutic" foster care for only 5 weeks, but it did bring about some GOOD as well. We were able to find in home help for her that we did not even know about. It brought about understanding from other professionals that it wasn't just "bad parenting" but that my daughter had major issues she needed help with. And that it really is OK that we have to parent her differently than the "typical" kids at her school, etc. The great new is that my difficult child is now doing so very well. Of course, she is alot younger than yours is and not dealing with alot of the same issues yours is. But, she is finally "getting a clue" about family, and her place in it and how to behave appropriately given the occasion.

    We sat in a 2 hour church service last evening and she was attentive, asked appropriate questions and was far better behaved than 80% of the other kids in the congregation!! I would never have dreamt that she would EVER be able to do this, but she did. I told her how very proud I was of her. And she just beamed!! Wonderful feeling!!

    My heart is breaking for you. BIG GIANT COMFORTING HUGS coming your way!!

    My difficult child started therapeutic horseback riding lessons last year and is now able to ride my sister's ponies and is doing so well with it. It is amazing the change it has brought about in her. Just throwing that out there as a possible outlet for your daughter!!

    Hugs of welcome,
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Glad you found this board and have found comfort in the fact that you are definatley not the only persons who's heart is breaking because of their childs actions. Though it doesn't make the seperation any easier, remember you did not cause her to be placed where she is, her actions caused this and hopefully she will learn and grow from this experience and become a much better person. Just keep telling her you love her and will be there to support her 100%, when she is making good decisions with her life.

    No matter how old they are when they have to go somewhere besides the home they know, it doesn't get any easier on us moms. My 20 year old son is a recovering heroin addict and over the past almost 2 years has been in approx. 5 different drug and alcohol rehabs, 3 soberhouses and 3 apartments. It was very hard on me to see him going from place to place, bed to bed, always being in different surroundings with complete strangers. I know I couldn't do it. I would have been terrified. He has now been living in the same soberhouse for almost 6 months, clean for a little over 6 months. It is the longest he has lived anywhere in almost two years. He finally thinks of this one as his home, which makes my mommy heart feel much better when I go to bed at night. I hope they can find a placement for your daughter quick, so that she can adjust and learn to follow the rules and get some good positive help and support.

    She knows you love her. Don't ever doubt that for a moment, though she will try and make you believe that. Just keep reminding her that you love her and that when she can turn her life around, she'll be able to come home and be a productive healthy part of your family.

    Hang in there!!
  18. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just try to keep thinking of the benefit of helping her is what this is about. Most of us here have been there done that. Mine is now in a Texas Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Sometimes we have no choice. I hope they find a place that will help her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
  19. realangel

    realangel New Member

    My difficult child has recently been placed in foster care so I can understand how raw and hard this is for you.

    Sending ::HUGS:: and prayers your way.