My difficult child the criminal

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jbrain, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi All,
    well, as you know, I thought difficult child 1 was doing pretty well. She was working (as exotic dancer) and taking care of herself financially, not coming to us for help, and seeming to settle down although still with loser boyfriend.

    On Sunday she called to say they were moving to Seattle and that boyfriend was leaving by bus the next day to find a place for them and she would follow a week later. Okay, my radar was up a little since this seemed very sudden, but I have uprooted myself in my younger days and moved across country on a whim so I thought it might be okay.

    She has called me several days this week just to say hi and update me on boyfriend's progress by bus across the country (from upstate NY). We were planning for me to take her to the bus station either Sunday or Monday. Last night her landlady called--appears that difficult child and boyfriend have been using her credit card and writing checks while she was hospitalized. They also have trashed her place and probably stolen valuables. A warrant is out for their arrest. I was shocked but a part of me was not, if you know what I mean. There have been times that I have fleetingly wondered if they were taking advantage of this lady--she is disabled and they were living in the basement of her condo.

    I guess they presented themselves as homeless to her son and he felt sorry for them and thought he could be good role model. The boyfriend is a great con artist and so is difficult child.

    I have talked with my therapist today and she has told me to stay as uninvolved as possible. This is the conclusion I had come to on my own after thinking it all over but it was good to have her affirm my own feelings and thoughts. The landlady wants me to come over and get their junk and help clean--I sort of agreed to last night because I felt so bad but now realize that would be some sort of admission of responsibility on my part and I was definitely not responsible for what difficult child and boyfriend did--it was their same old pattern.

    If difficult child does call and want to come over to spend the night and have me take her to the bus station I will tell her it is not a good idea in light of what her landlady told me and tell her she should do the right thing (turn herself in). I will not be involved in getting her a lawyer, visiting her in jail, none of it. If she is arrested she will have to figure it all out herself and she will be on her own. If she leaves town (she may have already if she has gotten wind of the warrant) then whatever happens, happens.

    I am very disappointed that she actually had not made any real changes. I don't know if she is sociopathic--I am quite sure the boyfriend is. I think somehow she has compartmentalized her life so much that she can be at home with us (like at Christmas) and be considerate, fun, warm, etc. and somehow think she is a good person. I think the person that preys on other people is separate to her, has nothing to do with the "real" her. Also, she takes on the attributes of whomever she is with so I am sure the boyfriend has had a dreadful influence on her.

    Well, I know husband and I did all we could to help her as she was growing up, including sending her to one of the best rtcs in the country. She knows right from wrong and she knows all about taking responsibility for your own actions. She had all the tools for a healthy life and she has chosen not to use them. So, at least I am not taking this on as my own, it is all on her. Still hurts though!

    Thanks for your support, I thought about you guys all night!

  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry.

    You're right, you've given her every tool possible and she's chosen to not use them. You're detaching in a healthy way.

    I can well understand your desire to stay out of it. However, if there's a warrant out for her, aren't you obligated to call the police and notify them of her whereabouts if she tells you? I'd hate for you to get in trouble because of her actions.

  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Meowbunny,
    I don't know what the law says. I have not had any contact from the police though I told Maya I would be happy to talk to them and tell them what I know. I did tell Maya that the last I knew she was staying at a motel and gave her the name. If Emily did tell me where she was I would have no problem telling the police, I just don't want to set her up (i.e., having her come to my house and then call the police on her). Since I have had no official notice that there is a warrant out I don't know what my responsibilities are. So far, I have not heard from difficult child since 2 days ago.
    Thanks for the hug!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MB...she has no obligation to call the cops and tell them where she is unless she is an officer of the court. The rest of us can stay mute. Thats why we walk a delicate line with Jamie and Cory's antics. Its also why Jamie will never work near us. really sounds like your daughter has some PD traits going on there. Nothing you can do about them. Cory is the same way. Just step back and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually she will learn her lesson we hope.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring thoughts your way. It's such a shame to have to keep a little bit of ourselves always prepared for things to "go
    South" when all we want is "normal" for our families. I'm sorry.
    I agree with the way your are handling the situation. Hugs. DDD
  6. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this! {{{HUGS}}}}

    I agree you should completely detach. And although there is no legal obligation to let the police know where she is, I believe there is a moral one. Something to think about.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    No suggestions but lots of good thoughts coming your way. You are handling it well.
    Gfgdom just doesn't go away easily.
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Hi Jane, I am so sorry that this has happened with your difficult child. It is such a devastating feeling when it seems like they are making progress and then lies are exposed and things come crashing down. You seem to be handling it pretty well, practicing detachment, but it still feels like a punch to the gut. Do you suppose that the boyfriend really headed for Seattle or maybe that's a red herring?
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Jane}}} You've done all you can. You're doing the right thing now, hard as it is. Sending lots of hugs and support.
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Thank you, Friends! I am so glad you all are here!

    I doubt the boyfriend is really heading for Seattle. I think she told us that so if we were questioned we would give a wrong answer. I do think he really did leave town--there were 2 charges on Maya's charge card for bus tickets. She had the idea he had gone to Georgia.

    Oh, she also said he left with a 22 rifle--not sure what that signifies but he seems like someone who could shoot you without too much remorse. Also, the police found marijuana and something to do with crack cocaine in their living quarters.

    I do feel a moral obligation to tell the police where she is if I indeed know where she is but I don't feel a moral obligation to set her up for them to catch her.

    I still haven't heard from her, don't know what that means. I have her cell phone number but don't intend to call her, that would be inserting myself into this mess which I don't want to do though I am very curious about where she is now.

    Thanks for words of encouragement, it helps!

    I'll keep you updated....

  11. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Sending hugs too.

    I'm really sorry. You sound like your are handling this so very well.

    Bless your mom's heart.

  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Jane, I'm so impressed. I suspect the calm tone of your post doesn't reflect the sick feeling in your stomach or your broken heart. been there done that.

    Hugs to you.

  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I don't want to make this any worse for you than it is and I'm not really sure that's possible, but ..... If he is as you think he is -- remorseless -- and using crack, which can cause paranoia, and has a weapon, she may not be safe going to him. I know the best would be if she turned herself in but that isn't likely, so maybe there is a way to get her to go somewhere, anywhere else?

    I wish had your level detachment from her behavior yet still able to totally love her like you've shown here. I hope and pray this mess resolves itself with the least pain to everyone.

    More hugs, a shoulder to lean and arms to wrap around you.
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Sorry J - How they can get themselves sucked into such bad situations boggles the mind. Will keep optimism going and hope she does the right thing.

  15. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Jane, I so know your pain....I think the only moral obligation you have is if the police come to you and ask what you know and you tell the truth, which you indicated you had no problem with. You have only hearsay about the warrant and if they were interested in finding her they will eventually find need to get involved unless they come to you in my mind.....

    Sorry you are going thru this, but know that you are not alone and I think you are doing well with detaching.....and it still hurts to think your child could behave in such a manner.....

    Thinking of you and hoping you can step away from her chaos....
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I just can't think of one thing to say to you that would truly make you feel better - wish I could, but given the circumstances - I can only say I am so tremendously proud of you. You're a shining example for the rest of us who battle with detachment issues, children who are criminally inclined, and I just wanted to say thanks for being so brave.

    Like Suz said - I'm sure your demeanor doesn't match your stomach or heart - but I wanted to tell you from one Mom to another - I think you're an inspiration!

  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Jane, I'm so sorry to hear this. Your difficult child is definitely on her own path. I agree with WMM, if the police ask, you would be obligated to tell them. I know your heart is breaking. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain.
  18. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Oh Jane I'm so very sorry for your hurting heart! I am keeping you in my thoughts today, and like others I am very proud to witness your level of detachment. :warrior:

  19. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    How is it going? Any update? Hang in there!