klmno
Active Member
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h**l would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
s**t too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi**h to
find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bi**h Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I 'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little s**t) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h**l would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
s**t too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi**h to
find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bi**h Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I 'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little s**t) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
