my family is in crisis, 17 and 19 year old sons are going down a really bad path!

[fedup61664]

I have 2 boys, 17 and 19. I m a recovering alcoholic and lived in a sober living environment in our home town for 6 months (may-Nov, 2012) I have been home for 6 months, had a 2 week relapse and have now been sober for 60 days, after a 10 month period of sobriety. While I was gone my oldest was in college 2 hours away. We recently found out he is suspended from college due to failing All of his classes this semester. He also rec'd an MIP for pot in Jan, was on diversion and recently completed that. He is a pretty good kid, popular and friendly, played football in HS and had acceptable grades. My 17 year old lived with my sister for his junior year of high school, my sister and her husband have a very stable life and were excellent role models, they also have 3 young boys. My sister recently discovered my son was taking out her in-laws boat with his friends, hooking up friends with pot (his drug screen was negative) video taped a friend having sex with a girl, trespassing on my sisters' friends property and using it as a shooting range. Both boys are on restriction and can only go to work and back. My relationship with- my sister and her husband is on the rocks, but not past repair. I have awesome support in the AA community. My biggest problem is my children's lack of insight into the seriousness of what is going on...they are angry at me and their dad (their dad and I live together in the same house, we are frinds and have separate living areas, mostly for financial reasons) Both boys will be going to therapists.....I am sure so much of this has to do with my alcoholism and not being in the home......How much rope do I give them to hang themselves and how much do I help them....do I just keep "doing the next right thing and support them while they are trying to earn back our trust? Appreciate any advice...this is my first post on this site!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome fedup. I'm sorry you had to find us, but certainly happy that you did. It would appear as if you have a broken family with your sons now acting out. The best advice I can give you is to find yourself support ASAP, an alanon group, good for you for your AA group, codependency group, therapy, parent groups, family groups, places where you can ALL be really heard and understood. That will begin the process of healing and give you some tools to work on to detach from the behaviors of others. You all need help, it's a family system issue where all members are entrenched in a negative behavior problem likely brought on by substance abuse.........however that is simply a symptom of a larger problem and counseling for all of you is necessary to uproot the issues, deal with them head on and change the dynamics. When you are in your own counseling, you can pose those questions of your therapist who will know the family "story." In broken systems, the parents need to heal so they can help the kids learn and heal. Put the focus on you and your husband, and once that focus is established, then focus on your kids once you have all your ducks in order.

*Keep venting, posting, sharing, it helps. I'm glad you're here..................gentle hugs to you............

 

[scent of cedar]

Welcome, fedup. :O)

Sometimes, it helps me to remember that healing takes time. You and your family have taken the first steps. You are acknowledging the nature of the problems. That is so important. We can expect that there will be acting out and figuring out, blaming and forgiving and giving up and coming back. You are all working through coming into balance as a family again. Though it probably doesn't look like it right now, you are making progress. The good news is that you know, now, how your sons have been dealing with the stress of what happened to you. This information is priceless. It will help you know how to begin helping your children to come back. You have been very honest about how all this came to be. That tells me that you are strong enough, and committed enough, to do what it takes, over as long a time as it takes, to heal both yourself and your sons, and to bring your family back.

Everything, everything that means anything real in this world, takes time.

That you have been ill yourself does not mean that you don't know how to parent your boys. It would be bad parenting to teach them that it is okay to go a wrong way.

Your sons are making mistakes, right now, but that is not who they are. Rightfully, you expect better for and from them than this. Whatever you have had to battle, your sons need to be reminded that to make bad choices themselves in response is not a good answer.

It helps to know that someone who understands is listening. This site is a safe place to ask questions, to wonder what to try next, to vent our frustrations, to share the pain of our losses, and to celebrate the pleasure of it when something good happens. I am so glad you found us. I hope you will post often.

Barbara

P.S. My own daughter has gone through something similar to your situation, fedup. I know the pain and confusion, the desperate determination to make it all right, the horror of relapsing, the impossibility of facing what happened. I am so sorry this happened to you, and to your family. Now that you are back, things will get better.

 

[BusynMember]

Maybe your boys would understand better if they went to Ala-teen? I go to Al-Anon. It's helpful for me. They need to realize that alcoholism is an illness...and a bad one...but that it's not their fault (or yours) and that they can live happy, sane lives.