my family vent

[Jena]

is beating me up. yup me again


honestly i'm really tired. i get up positive though each day difficult child has been home just knowing she is in my care now really makes me grounded.

yet easy child got suspended today, told off the dean and her teacher and has decided to rejoin her loser ex boyfriend the one who used to sell pot and who drinks and now drives by the way.

husband has continued to pressure me for "us" time even though i am literally exhausted by 12 p.m. when he wants to do our usual watch movies, watch hells kitchen, hang out talk etc. just can't seem to get that i'm doing best i can and am just wiped out. doesnt' matter how many hours i sit in any hospital or how many hours i sit with-difficult child and work with-her on shakes.

everyone's like me, me, me. i'm getting angered by all their antics and kinda of discouraged.

husband tries stood there last night and rubbed my back that's acting up and neck for a half hour but than finishs by saying ok ready to hang now? NO i'm ready to go to sleep please. he gets hurt, than defensive etc.

even the dog's acting up. i thought if only i can cut myself into pieces than everyone can get what they need but ME. i need my time too. even if it's just a hot bath, an uniterrupted cup of tea in the bathroom my favorite place away from the drama.

it's very frustrating. it's kinda of like you look at it and say wow guys dont' you love me, appreciate me and wanna back off me for a bit so i can get my footing???

 

[Jena]

so, way i handled it was text easy child to avoid a scene in our home. my thought she is acting up now because difficult child is home and she has always been very jealous of her. she wont' admit it but it's very much there. so i told her no more out on weeknights till you are able to make your first period class, i reduced her curfew on weekends, gave her the mom speech regarding the boyfriend. she's going to be 18 there is no solving that.

husband i said ok maybe it's time for therapy again because i just can't aruge with-him. i do love him yet he's driving me nuts and being very self centered.

the other option was jumping ship with-difficult child in our truck with-shakes yet that didn't seem feasible

 

[ML]

It's so hard to divide our time and resources to so many responsibilities, especially when the difficult children will drain every ounce of the life force out of us if we let them. Ask for help, Jena. And remember to make time for you because unless you are filling up your own cup, there's nothing left for anyone else. Thinking of you tonight. Love, ML

 

[Jena]

ML tha'Tourette's Syndrome just it right now she should be exactly where she is, front and center. this isnt' a long term thing i hope..... they have to learn to stop acting sooo needy and come together and be supportive and that also refelcts onto my abilities to work with-difficult child each day with getting her to eat. hopefully everyone will fall in line soon. just pisses me off that i even gotta ask them. it should be automatic, their all so incredibly needy. husband too. truly. it's not like im' gone in oregon i'm right here, still cleaning, doing laundry, meeting those needs. when you sitting with-a kid 15 hours of a day with-shakes the other family members should just take a deep breath adn say well i hope this works.

thanks!! by the way. sorry i'm very cranky surprise surprise

 

[ML]

You're fine. Just try and go easy on them. I get that to a large extent it's about her, but it's not easy for other kids to put their own needs aside and perhaps even harder for husband's. This is hard on everyone. That's why you have my extra prayers during this time.

 

[Jena]

i agree. and yes easy child is easy child as always and has always carried issues due to difficult child's constant stuff. yet husband is a whole other story. their really both putting a load of pressure especially him. he did it last week and i apologized and let it go. yet now the way he's going at me constantly and not very nicely i mite add no excuse whatsoever. well at end of day this is why marriages due fall apart or you truly get to see what two ppl are made of. i'm just really angry and giong to bed.

and difficult child did down all shakes today. took 4 hours each time i think yet she got them down.

thanks for the support i do appreicate it. sorry if i'm being short just totally enraged right now

 

[ML]

and I'm sorry if it doesn't feel like I'm providing support. I just know that it's too much for one person and that it's really hard for some people to put aside their needs for someone else. That's what makes moms so special because we do this without even thinking about it. I would just keep telling husband what it is you need from him, spell it out, ask directly for him to help by doing x, y or z. Delegate more. No one is going to pick up the extra slack and your only chance here is to make it clear in specific terms what they have to do. Lists are helpful. I'm just worried about you during this extremely difficult time. Extra love and hugs, ML

 

[Jena]

great idea, yet husband is hardly ever home. he's always working. and i dont' really need that type of help at all. i can fit everything in somehow during the day. i just really need easy child to get a grip adhere to the rules, quiet her own issues (if possible) and just simply realize hey we have something going on here. and when one family member is hurting the rest are supposed to join together like a unit not split apart with the stomping of feet what about me?

luckily easy child hasn't blow in the house which i am grateful for. we have handled our conversations while she is out. yet it's all negative energy. and husband pushing all the time for time with me. and we aren't talkinga stroll thru the park here, he wants time if you know what i mean with-o getting ummm too graphic. he has his own issues regarding that particular issue always has. that trickle down from his last marriage.

so, yea he's been awesome financially will do whatever it takes to help difficult child get better that way. yet i feel the stress via text with him while i'm here and he's at work. and i'm pretty good about decompartentalizing (can't spell) yet truth be known i'm not perfect and my aggrivation level will runnith over somehow.

i'd love to get them all into family therapy with-me to be honest. here during day it's calm. there isn't any yelling or arguing etc. going on or anything that would really set our house on fire. yet it's the overall tension that i personally feel especially with-easy child and last week was great with-husband home and the other kids. yet this week he's really dug his heels in. and as much as i try to explain to him, set your emotions aside for a minute and really think about what your b*tching about it is in the overall scope of things irrelevant right now. it goes nowhere quick.

environmental i think is a huge factor with kids like ours i truly think. we never speak of that it's always the behaviors, medications, acting out etc. yet their environment truly does matter. and it's almost like us chasing our tales........ because our kids drain us, challenge us, and push us to our brink almost daily and leave us tapped out with-nothing almost left to give the rest of the ppl in our home or ourselves, than tension rises due to our difficult child's. it's like a vicious circle almost.

 

[Josie]

I hope that you don't think that I am being unsupportive by what I am about to say. I don't mean it that way at all. I totally understand about one child needing you 24/7 and being consumed with that. I have had a child in crisis mode for 3 years now, with mostly physical rather than mental problems, but there are similar issues. There have been times during the 3 years that her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was a prominent part of the picture, too.

Last October, she was in such pain that I slept with her and laid in the bed with her during the day for 6 weeks or so. She was in such pain that she couldn't even watch TV. All I could really do for her is be with her. For months after that, I slept with her. So I get what you are going through.

Unfortunately, the other people in the family are still going to have their issues. I don't think it is realistic to think that a teenager is going to become the perfect child just because her sister is sick. A husband still wants to be with his wife. I know from my own experience that it is hard to cope with that on top of the crisis at hand. But, if you make your husband happy, he might be feeling kinder towards you and be more supportive. That will help ease some of the tension coming from that direction. I am not always the best about this myself, but I do think it is wise to try to meet a husband's needs as much as possible for the sake of the marriage and the family.

When this crisis is over, you still want to have a good relationship with your husband.

I have found when my kids are mentally stable, the environment takes care of itself, so my emphasis has always been on that. I think you can drive yourself crazy trying to create the perfect environment, but if they are mentally unstable, there's still going to be that tension in the air. Just my experience.

Is there anyone else that can take a turn sitting with difficult child while she drinks her shake? Even getting a break from one 4 or 5 hour session would give you some relief.

Hugs.

 

[Jena]

hi,

i'm very sorry to hear what you had to go thru that is hard. very hard. i dont' take offense at all, we all give the best advice we can based on the info given.

i never expect easy child to be a "perfect child" no one is perfect. i do expect however for her to not get suspended in school and curse out the dean of students and her teacher and get suspended for doing so. i do expect her to begin to grow in some direction and stop internalizing as her coping mechanism and say how she feels so that we at home get a clue. with-o communication families break down as we all know.

i also expect my husband to be patient and yes supportive. intimacy waxes and wanes in a relationship as we all know. at that's why you gotta be best friends from what i've read and learned when it comes to marriages. so that thru crisis periods if the intimacy and in love junk can't happen due to crisis we can get thru it from the respect and unconditional love that we have for eachother. so no it isnt' ok to be expect ona nitely basis at midnight when he returns from work me waiting for him with a smile and how was your day dear you wanna hang out now till 2?? not going to happen. that's where he has to grow up a bit.

so overall i'll be fine if the other ppl here just take a deep breath and relax a bit. i can handle a whole lot i've come to learn, yet it is challenging when ea member of my family is pushing for my time. i need my time also to stay sane.

as far as other ppl sitting with her, no that wouldnt' work. it's a slow process. we are on break now from afternoon shake. i do alot of stuff with-her to assist and also times like today it's a battle of wills to even get her to begin drinking the shake. today she's wasted two hours on that. also texture's bug her any fruit at all. so fruits gotta be in it. she cant' have it all her way. we aren't doing solids and part of this is compliance besides the anxiety component and obvious fear.

thanks for your support

 

[Josie]

OMG. I've been married 17 years. I wasn't thinking about every night! lol

 

[Jena]

yea thats my point. hubby is outta his mind.

 

[HaoZi]

Maybe hubby needs an Advil PM... whether he knows it or not.

 

[Jena]

great idea i should drug him slip one in his water bottle............??

 

[HaoZi]

I'm not above it. Goody's makes a PM powder. But I'm not above being totally rude about not wanting it right then, either. Of course I'm also an ex-wife twice over, so maybe take my thinking with a bit a salt.

 

[Jena]

lol way too funny. this started as me complaining as usual i'm soo good at it and now i'm laughing.

 

[HaoZi]

Always nice (though rare!) to find someone who can laugh at my offbeat humor instead of taking affront.