mrscatinthehat
Seussical
Sending many thoughts and hugs your way.
Beth
Beth
My father passed away last night....
- Thread starter scent of cedar
- Start date
gottaloveem
Active Member
So sorry to hear about your Dad. My thoughts will be with you and your family.
Lia
Lia
K
Kjs
Guest
I am sorry to hear this news. Even when it is not totally unexpected, it is a great feeling of loss.
My father passed away ten years ago. Does not seem that long. My father suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and although we were all well aware of the eventual outcome, it is such a devastating feeling.
I am the last of six children. Others much older than I. My mother never worked outside the home. Her life revolved around my father. It appeared more so when he began to deline rapidly. She would not leave him, not for a minute. He was home, and if she needed to go out she always was sure there was a sitter with him. The one time she left him unattended for a short time he fell and broke a hip. With Parkinson's it is so important to keep moving.
My father had to go into a nursing home. My mother would not leave him. She was there when he fell asleep, she was there when he woke up. This went on for many, many months. The once loud, strong voice he had was gone. He no longer had a voice, but my mother could tell what he wanted by his eyes. It was amazing.
When the time came where the kids were called home it was amazing. Each one of us came as we could. Each day we were told how during the night he would begin modeling, and once we started coming in, his color would come back. (he never woke up during this time).
The day, I was there early in the morning. Then my mother came. My sister talked my mother into going to lunch. Just a short time and others would be there. It was during her absence he left us. My mother was devastated. She spent 8 hours sitting with him after. Covering him because he was cold. We cried because of how much she was hurting. She told us in the following months that she saw him last night.
My mother has diabetes. After he left us, she no longer would get dressed. She no longer checked her blood sugar. She no longer took her insulin. Results...She suffered a major stroke which left her unable to speak or walk.
I have never ever witnessed such love. He was her entire life.
I do not know the health of your mother. But keep in touch. Check on her often.
I know my mother was greiving, but to see her not get dressed for days and weeks should of been a sign. We all thought she would get better.
My oldest son was 14. He was so very close to them. Youngest was only 2 and we did not take him to the funeral. My oldest son made the sixth grandson. All were pall bearers. I didn't realize at the time what this weighed on him. After the funeral he ran away. He now says he would never do that again. On his myspace, for heros he has "anybody stronger than me. Not physically, but strong..like my grandpa".
I still see his eyes. They were his voice for a very long time. And I was always afraid he would fall, and I was always ready to catch him. He told me to let him go, he's not afraid to fall.
It was very hard for me to let go. Maybe because I am so much younger than my siblings. I feel cheated for not having the time the others had. Not being able to share my life. Not being able to share my children. Not only did I lose my father that day, I lost my mother too.
My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope good memories will stay with you and in the hearts of your children forever.
My father passed away ten years ago. Does not seem that long. My father suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and although we were all well aware of the eventual outcome, it is such a devastating feeling.
I am the last of six children. Others much older than I. My mother never worked outside the home. Her life revolved around my father. It appeared more so when he began to deline rapidly. She would not leave him, not for a minute. He was home, and if she needed to go out she always was sure there was a sitter with him. The one time she left him unattended for a short time he fell and broke a hip. With Parkinson's it is so important to keep moving.
My father had to go into a nursing home. My mother would not leave him. She was there when he fell asleep, she was there when he woke up. This went on for many, many months. The once loud, strong voice he had was gone. He no longer had a voice, but my mother could tell what he wanted by his eyes. It was amazing.
When the time came where the kids were called home it was amazing. Each one of us came as we could. Each day we were told how during the night he would begin modeling, and once we started coming in, his color would come back. (he never woke up during this time).
The day, I was there early in the morning. Then my mother came. My sister talked my mother into going to lunch. Just a short time and others would be there. It was during her absence he left us. My mother was devastated. She spent 8 hours sitting with him after. Covering him because he was cold. We cried because of how much she was hurting. She told us in the following months that she saw him last night.
My mother has diabetes. After he left us, she no longer would get dressed. She no longer checked her blood sugar. She no longer took her insulin. Results...She suffered a major stroke which left her unable to speak or walk.
I have never ever witnessed such love. He was her entire life.
I do not know the health of your mother. But keep in touch. Check on her often.
I know my mother was greiving, but to see her not get dressed for days and weeks should of been a sign. We all thought she would get better.
My oldest son was 14. He was so very close to them. Youngest was only 2 and we did not take him to the funeral. My oldest son made the sixth grandson. All were pall bearers. I didn't realize at the time what this weighed on him. After the funeral he ran away. He now says he would never do that again. On his myspace, for heros he has "anybody stronger than me. Not physically, but strong..like my grandpa".
I still see his eyes. They were his voice for a very long time. And I was always afraid he would fall, and I was always ready to catch him. He told me to let him go, he's not afraid to fall.
It was very hard for me to let go. Maybe because I am so much younger than my siblings. I feel cheated for not having the time the others had. Not being able to share my life. Not being able to share my children. Not only did I lose my father that day, I lost my mother too.
My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope good memories will stay with you and in the hearts of your children forever.
Tiapet
Old Hand
First my condolences to you and your family.
I just lost my father a year ago this past August unexpectedly to an aortic aneurysm. My parents were married 40 years (this happened 2 weeks after they had just renewed their vows). Let me also premise by saying that we had also just lost my mother's mother the previous May. Her death was not unexpected.
As for how it was handled, there are only 2 siblings in my family, myself and my sister so I was left to handle helping my mother since my sister can not and would not handle this at all. I needed to help her make all arrangements necessary but more importantly it seemed her world fell apart. She suddenly could not live on her own (and she was a strong independent woman up until that time). Mentally she went into severe crisis. I tell you this as I don't know what your situation is but I never would have suspected this at all. We had a memorial service for my father as well, no burial. My mother choose to wait almost a month later to have it. Because it was so much later after the fact the turn out was far less then what it would have been if it was at the time (we learned this later in speaking to many who we ran into).
As for difficult child's, my oldest handled it sort of ok but my two younger ones didn't handle it real well as they were really close to him. I don't know if it's because none of the difficult child's got to say their goodbyes or not (I didn't even get the chance either).
The one thing I did have to do constantly with her is watch that she would eat as she refused to eat (saying she couldn't most often). It got so bad we had to get the doctor to write a prescription for her to be able to keep something in her. Also needed to get her into therapy as we saw she was headed for trouble. She is much better now.
Don't mean to scare you but this is how it was with us, and yes, after people stop calling and checking in with them is when it hits the hardest on them and they feel it the most. It does take a toll on you too so please keep after yourself. We do tend to get caught up in it all and loose ourselves too and then wear ourselves thin. I didn't even notice it until 9 months later. I had lost a lot of weight and my hair started falling out. The doctor had asked me if I had been under any "undue stress" so many months ago because I didn't know why my hair started falling out. Take care of you please, especially if you are the only or main one helping her through this.
I just lost my father a year ago this past August unexpectedly to an aortic aneurysm. My parents were married 40 years (this happened 2 weeks after they had just renewed their vows). Let me also premise by saying that we had also just lost my mother's mother the previous May. Her death was not unexpected.
As for how it was handled, there are only 2 siblings in my family, myself and my sister so I was left to handle helping my mother since my sister can not and would not handle this at all. I needed to help her make all arrangements necessary but more importantly it seemed her world fell apart. She suddenly could not live on her own (and she was a strong independent woman up until that time). Mentally she went into severe crisis. I tell you this as I don't know what your situation is but I never would have suspected this at all. We had a memorial service for my father as well, no burial. My mother choose to wait almost a month later to have it. Because it was so much later after the fact the turn out was far less then what it would have been if it was at the time (we learned this later in speaking to many who we ran into).
As for difficult child's, my oldest handled it sort of ok but my two younger ones didn't handle it real well as they were really close to him. I don't know if it's because none of the difficult child's got to say their goodbyes or not (I didn't even get the chance either).
The one thing I did have to do constantly with her is watch that she would eat as she refused to eat (saying she couldn't most often). It got so bad we had to get the doctor to write a prescription for her to be able to keep something in her. Also needed to get her into therapy as we saw she was headed for trouble. She is much better now.
Don't mean to scare you but this is how it was with us, and yes, after people stop calling and checking in with them is when it hits the hardest on them and they feel it the most. It does take a toll on you too so please keep after yourself. We do tend to get caught up in it all and loose ourselves too and then wear ourselves thin. I didn't even notice it until 9 months later. I had lost a lot of weight and my hair started falling out. The doctor had asked me if I had been under any "undue stress" so many months ago because I didn't know why my hair started falling out. Take care of you please, especially if you are the only or main one helping her through this.
TYLERFAN
New Member
Barbara:
My deepest condolences......
My beloved father also passed a few days ago on March 13,2008
It also was not totally unexpected but yet such a shock!
My mother is devastated but I believe will be ok in the long term.....I hope.
I feel numb and sad......I never experienced a death in the family so close as this one....
I try to console my mother but what can console a woman who has lost her best friend of 54 years? They would have celebrated 55 years in June.
I would love to connect with you as I too am having trouble dealing and consoling my mom. PM me anytime.
Again, I am so sorry.
Blessings,
Melissa
My deepest condolences......
My beloved father also passed a few days ago on March 13,2008
It also was not totally unexpected but yet such a shock!
My mother is devastated but I believe will be ok in the long term.....I hope.
I feel numb and sad......I never experienced a death in the family so close as this one....
I try to console my mother but what can console a woman who has lost her best friend of 54 years? They would have celebrated 55 years in June.
I would love to connect with you as I too am having trouble dealing and consoling my mom. PM me anytime.
Again, I am so sorry.
Blessings,
Melissa
scent of cedar
New Member
Thanks so much, everyone! 
Today feels a little numb, and I can't think what else to say or how to respond appropriately. In a way, it's like knowing how half the story ended, and trying to piece together where it might be going from here.
It feels so nice to know you are all out there.
This Board is a wonderful thing.
Know what? I am going to suggest a grief support group to my mom after a month or so has gone by. Isn't it strange that I would not have thought of that myself, when I used to recommend it all the time for the families I interacted with as a Hospice volunteer.
Another thing I think I will do is send her roses at the six week mark, and again on their anniversary (which will be in May). And then, every year on the day of my Dad's death, or his birthday.
She will enjoy them, and I will feel I have done something good and helpful. (Oh, those caretaker personalities!)
Nonetheless, that will make us both happy.
I remember a woman who brought a bouquet of flowers to the nursing home where her husband died every year on the anniversary of his death.
It is such a comfort to know you all are out there, and that you know what has happened.
Thank you so much!
Barbara
Today feels a little numb, and I can't think what else to say or how to respond appropriately. In a way, it's like knowing how half the story ended, and trying to piece together where it might be going from here.
It feels so nice to know you are all out there.
This Board is a wonderful thing.
Know what? I am going to suggest a grief support group to my mom after a month or so has gone by. Isn't it strange that I would not have thought of that myself, when I used to recommend it all the time for the families I interacted with as a Hospice volunteer.
Another thing I think I will do is send her roses at the six week mark, and again on their anniversary (which will be in May). And then, every year on the day of my Dad's death, or his birthday.
She will enjoy them, and I will feel I have done something good and helpful. (Oh, those caretaker personalities!)
Nonetheless, that will make us both happy.
I remember a woman who brought a bouquet of flowers to the nursing home where her husband died every year on the anniversary of his death.
It is such a comfort to know you all are out there, and that you know what has happened.
Thank you so much!
Barbara
Tiapet
Old Hand
Those sound like really good ideas! We did try to make sure my mother always had a fresh bouquet of flowers (even if they were just supermarket flowers) in her house all week long as she loves flowers. She absolutely appreciated the "sunny" feeling of something living, and she loves fresh flowers too.
Another thought for you is a simple plant she can "take care" of if you think she is up to it in the coming months to nurture. Something that might bloom so she can see it spring to life. My mother didn't want to attend a support group because she felt as though no one was "quite" in her situation. I never truly understood that at all.
After about 10 months my mother felt she wanted companionship so desperately she looked into adopting a dog. This has been good for her and has helped her not feel so lonely and lost.
Another thought for you is a simple plant she can "take care" of if you think she is up to it in the coming months to nurture. Something that might bloom so she can see it spring to life. My mother didn't want to attend a support group because she felt as though no one was "quite" in her situation. I never truly understood that at all.
After about 10 months my mother felt she wanted companionship so desperately she looked into adopting a dog. This has been good for her and has helped her not feel so lonely and lost.
donna723
Well-Known Member
Barbara, I'm coming in to this late too, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your father. Even if it's expected, when it happens, it's still a shock. The others have given you excellent advice. I won't be much help because my situation was very different. My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly almost thirty years ago. My mom had been an invalid for years and was totally dependent on him. We had not yet moved to Tennessee then but my younger brothers' family was here and moved in to my mom's house with her, so it more fell to them.
My dad died just days before his 67th birthday - way too young. And he died just two days after I had made a visit to Tennessee so he and my mom could meet my infant daughter, their first granddaughter. I think that was the hardest part for me, that he wasn't around to be a part of his grandchildren's lives. There were only three of them when he died ... my older brothers oldest two boys and my daughter who was just a baby, and all three lived out-of-state from my parents. After he died my older brother had a third son, I had my son, and my younger brother had three children, and my dad never knew any these last five. He would have loved them so.
After the death of a family member, the "firsts" are always the hardest ... their first birthday without them, the first Christmas, the anniversary of their death, etc. and those days are always the hardest to get through. Your mom may want and need to talk and she may not ... just follow her lead. Be there for her and listen as long as she needs you to.
Sending many hugs to you Barbara. I will keep your family in my thoughts and my prayers.
My dad died just days before his 67th birthday - way too young. And he died just two days after I had made a visit to Tennessee so he and my mom could meet my infant daughter, their first granddaughter. I think that was the hardest part for me, that he wasn't around to be a part of his grandchildren's lives. There were only three of them when he died ... my older brothers oldest two boys and my daughter who was just a baby, and all three lived out-of-state from my parents. After he died my older brother had a third son, I had my son, and my younger brother had three children, and my dad never knew any these last five. He would have loved them so.
After the death of a family member, the "firsts" are always the hardest ... their first birthday without them, the first Christmas, the anniversary of their death, etc. and those days are always the hardest to get through. Your mom may want and need to talk and she may not ... just follow her lead. Be there for her and listen as long as she needs you to.
Sending many hugs to you Barbara. I will keep your family in my thoughts and my prayers.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Barbara, I am so sorry.
You've gotten some wonderful, intelligent and heartfelt advice and ideas here.
Keeping in touch, making sure she's eating, sending flowers are all wonderful ideas. At some point you may want to take a short trip with her ... maybe just a weekend getaway.
You've gotten some wonderful, intelligent and heartfelt advice and ideas here.
Keeping in touch, making sure she's eating, sending flowers are all wonderful ideas. At some point you may want to take a short trip with her ... maybe just a weekend getaway.
Lothlorien
Active Member
Sorry for your loss. I wil add you and your mom to my prayers.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
I'm so sorry to hear this.
My dad passed suddenly a year ago. He was 67 with a lifetime of plans in front of him. It was to be his last year farming and he and mom were looking forward to traveling and camping in their brand new camper.
My brothers and I divided up the weeks and weekends following to stay with mom for about a month. Since then, we've included her in our family gathers, and taken turns getting her and her camper out with us anytime any of us go.
I can tell you that my mom is certainly trying to find her place in the world now. I can't beleive some of the things she's done since dad's been gone. Its not bad, by any means, but I sure never expected it!
My dad passed suddenly a year ago. He was 67 with a lifetime of plans in front of him. It was to be his last year farming and he and mom were looking forward to traveling and camping in their brand new camper.
My brothers and I divided up the weeks and weekends following to stay with mom for about a month. Since then, we've included her in our family gathers, and taken turns getting her and her camper out with us anytime any of us go.
I can tell you that my mom is certainly trying to find her place in the world now. I can't beleive some of the things she's done since dad's been gone. Its not bad, by any means, but I sure never expected it!
Star*
call 911........call 911
Barbara,
I am so sorry your Father has passed. You have my biggest hugs and condolences. Your Dad was lucky to have a great daughter like you.
My Dad passed away 8 years ago. It certainly doesn't seem that long. For my Mom it was the hardest, but I never knew it. Not for the longest time anyway. She hardly cried. I didn't know if that was because it seemed towards the end of my Dad's life that he was distant and they loved each other but seemed to disagree about a lot of things. (That was my take)
Things I didn't know until after the memorial service (Father also did not want a funeral or relatives called) were things like- the house noises. The knowing what to do after being a housewife for years (mowing the lawn, car care, security of the house, credit cards in her name, grocery shopping help, how to make meals for one not 2 and not wanting to talk to anyone about how she felt being alone). Those were the things that struck me as - day to day, but for Mom were a struggle to get going on.
She has also been diagnosis with depression recently from (we are sure) her bumping around in that house alone. Some days she would say she only had talked to herself monday - friday. So just calling her and asking her advice on some things (things a lot of time I knew how to do, but used as an excuse just to call). Making sure the back door went from a door with a window to a solid door with double locks. Locks on the basement door. Getting her a book for how to freeze meals in portion sizes so she can spend one day cooking and bag it. She lost so much weight after Dad passed - she just didn't want to cook or grocery shop. And the lawn - we kinda left that go so she WOULD get out of the house.
She has danced her whole adult life - so she got back into ballroom dancing to be around people she enjoys and has common interests in - but DO NOT make blind dates or "chance" meetings for her like my sister did. OMG I got the call of the decade after that. In my sisters mind - you can only be happy if you have a man. In my Mom's mind - my sister is nuts. My Mom is beautiful - but she said 50 years give or take was enough.
I think the top things for us were - lonlieness, safety, food. The rest she's figured out on her own very nicely. My dad wanted to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over the Cleveland Browns stadium. We called and they said DHEC would frown on that - so my sister went to a game and put his ashes in a baggie and let some of him go that way. My Mom put her empty time into creating a memorial garden and that's where dad is so she can just go out in their huge back yard and talk to him. And occasionally she does.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Star
I am so sorry your Father has passed. You have my biggest hugs and condolences. Your Dad was lucky to have a great daughter like you.
My Dad passed away 8 years ago. It certainly doesn't seem that long. For my Mom it was the hardest, but I never knew it. Not for the longest time anyway. She hardly cried. I didn't know if that was because it seemed towards the end of my Dad's life that he was distant and they loved each other but seemed to disagree about a lot of things. (That was my take)
Things I didn't know until after the memorial service (Father also did not want a funeral or relatives called) were things like- the house noises. The knowing what to do after being a housewife for years (mowing the lawn, car care, security of the house, credit cards in her name, grocery shopping help, how to make meals for one not 2 and not wanting to talk to anyone about how she felt being alone). Those were the things that struck me as - day to day, but for Mom were a struggle to get going on.
She has also been diagnosis with depression recently from (we are sure) her bumping around in that house alone. Some days she would say she only had talked to herself monday - friday. So just calling her and asking her advice on some things (things a lot of time I knew how to do, but used as an excuse just to call). Making sure the back door went from a door with a window to a solid door with double locks. Locks on the basement door. Getting her a book for how to freeze meals in portion sizes so she can spend one day cooking and bag it. She lost so much weight after Dad passed - she just didn't want to cook or grocery shop. And the lawn - we kinda left that go so she WOULD get out of the house.
She has danced her whole adult life - so she got back into ballroom dancing to be around people she enjoys and has common interests in - but DO NOT make blind dates or "chance" meetings for her like my sister did. OMG I got the call of the decade after that. In my sisters mind - you can only be happy if you have a man. In my Mom's mind - my sister is nuts. My Mom is beautiful - but she said 50 years give or take was enough.
I think the top things for us were - lonlieness, safety, food. The rest she's figured out on her own very nicely. My dad wanted to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over the Cleveland Browns stadium. We called and they said DHEC would frown on that - so my sister went to a game and put his ashes in a baggie and let some of him go that way. My Mom put her empty time into creating a memorial garden and that's where dad is so she can just go out in their huge back yard and talk to him. And occasionally she does.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Star
amazeofgrace
A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
hugs and prayers
