Star*
call 911........call 911
Toto,
I am glad you and K and N and husband had a good visit with your Dad and his wife.
I hoped by reading through this post maybe someone would/could explain to me why it is So important to us (as humans) for the person doing the offending to understand where we are coming from, or to explain to them how much WE were hurt by their actions or lack of actions when they lack the capabilities to. Yet, in order to have any type of relationship we accept them as they are, continue to do the best we can to explain ourselves to them and continue to suffer in silence thankful for the time we have with these people that were so hurtful. Forgiveness is quite an art in progress.
I wanted answers for SO long about to the WHY of my life. Not the why that I created with MY choices, but moreso the "Why did you do that to me?" aspect. With my x I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to know what it's like to feel how he made me feel. And that is never going to happen. I kept thinking "IF I had a chance to confront him someday - this will all be better. I became nearly obsessed with thinking out ways to hurt him back or be the powerful force over him that he was over me.
If I could JUST get an apology; my life will finally make sense, be normal, flow like it should have and maybe forever change because he will have finally REALIZED that what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong. And what a fantasy that was for me. Thinking that he would EVER be humble enough to say "I realize what I did - I am sorry I caused you hurt."
Instead what I got after 13 years of hell on earth and a 7 year period of absolutely no contact (20 years of MY life) - I had his voice on MY answering machine telling me that I should "Grow up, and just be a bigger person, let it go. That our life together was all water under the bridge to him now." It took me 2 years of INTENSE therapy to get over just that call. Water? Under the bridge? I was nothing....Still? Even after all he did to me and my son? I should just "buck up" and be "mature". It took everything I had not to load up a car, and head to where I thought he was and just anhailate him from the face of the earth. Once again - he had wounded me.
What I learned in those years after that call about HIM was that he is who he is and he will never change. The more I hoped the years going by would change him? It was just my wish - not his. He had no desire to change NOR did he feel ANYTHING he did was wrong. Which I found interesting because when he would do drugs and torture me - days later he would come and sometimes cry in my lap that if I had just "NOT DONE" something he wouldn't go off like he did and do what he had done to me. (Once again - my fault).
Today I keep tabs on him from long distance because he IS still very much a threat in my life, but the boundaries are clear and should he cross them there will be consequences for him that will be carried out. No longer will I sit and cry about the things that he did - they're past, done and I can't change them, I can't change him, I can't make him sorry for what he did, I can't make him understant - because had he UNDERSTOOD to begin with the things that were done to me and Dude never would have happened in the first place.
I no longer need his acknowledgement of my lifes accomplishments despite the horrible situations he created.
Maybe in there somewhere you'll find something to help you be able to stand alone from your past. The fact that you would EVEN consider allowing him to see you and your precious babies speaks volumes to me as to WHO YOU have become as a person - despite your past.
You should be proud of yourself. You've moved on, and you are not wasting any more of your time hating him. Hate truly only hurts us - and from what I understand you've been hurt enough. Tell your friend that hates your Dad for you - that by doing that she's giving him time that she could be giving you and the girls.
I'm really proud of you Toto -
I'm just glad that RV your Dad stole WAS NOT .......the catbus.
I hope this is a new chapter in your lives called "It is what it is and I am who I am." - And I am ONE HELL OF A WOMAN!
Hugs & Love
Star
I am glad you and K and N and husband had a good visit with your Dad and his wife.
I hoped by reading through this post maybe someone would/could explain to me why it is So important to us (as humans) for the person doing the offending to understand where we are coming from, or to explain to them how much WE were hurt by their actions or lack of actions when they lack the capabilities to. Yet, in order to have any type of relationship we accept them as they are, continue to do the best we can to explain ourselves to them and continue to suffer in silence thankful for the time we have with these people that were so hurtful. Forgiveness is quite an art in progress.
I wanted answers for SO long about to the WHY of my life. Not the why that I created with MY choices, but moreso the "Why did you do that to me?" aspect. With my x I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to know what it's like to feel how he made me feel. And that is never going to happen. I kept thinking "IF I had a chance to confront him someday - this will all be better. I became nearly obsessed with thinking out ways to hurt him back or be the powerful force over him that he was over me.
If I could JUST get an apology; my life will finally make sense, be normal, flow like it should have and maybe forever change because he will have finally REALIZED that what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong. And what a fantasy that was for me. Thinking that he would EVER be humble enough to say "I realize what I did - I am sorry I caused you hurt."
Instead what I got after 13 years of hell on earth and a 7 year period of absolutely no contact (20 years of MY life) - I had his voice on MY answering machine telling me that I should "Grow up, and just be a bigger person, let it go. That our life together was all water under the bridge to him now." It took me 2 years of INTENSE therapy to get over just that call. Water? Under the bridge? I was nothing....Still? Even after all he did to me and my son? I should just "buck up" and be "mature". It took everything I had not to load up a car, and head to where I thought he was and just anhailate him from the face of the earth. Once again - he had wounded me.
What I learned in those years after that call about HIM was that he is who he is and he will never change. The more I hoped the years going by would change him? It was just my wish - not his. He had no desire to change NOR did he feel ANYTHING he did was wrong. Which I found interesting because when he would do drugs and torture me - days later he would come and sometimes cry in my lap that if I had just "NOT DONE" something he wouldn't go off like he did and do what he had done to me. (Once again - my fault).
Today I keep tabs on him from long distance because he IS still very much a threat in my life, but the boundaries are clear and should he cross them there will be consequences for him that will be carried out. No longer will I sit and cry about the things that he did - they're past, done and I can't change them, I can't change him, I can't make him sorry for what he did, I can't make him understant - because had he UNDERSTOOD to begin with the things that were done to me and Dude never would have happened in the first place.
I no longer need his acknowledgement of my lifes accomplishments despite the horrible situations he created.
Maybe in there somewhere you'll find something to help you be able to stand alone from your past. The fact that you would EVEN consider allowing him to see you and your precious babies speaks volumes to me as to WHO YOU have become as a person - despite your past.
You should be proud of yourself. You've moved on, and you are not wasting any more of your time hating him. Hate truly only hurts us - and from what I understand you've been hurt enough. Tell your friend that hates your Dad for you - that by doing that she's giving him time that she could be giving you and the girls.
I'm really proud of you Toto -
I'm just glad that RV your Dad stole WAS NOT .......the catbus.
I hope this is a new chapter in your lives called "It is what it is and I am who I am." - And I am ONE HELL OF A WOMAN!
Hugs & Love
Star
