My feet are tired but my spirit is strong.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WILLPOWER, May 15, 2016.


    WILLPOWER New Member

    It is hard to hold boundaries with a mentally ill adult child. Her behavior has become rude, impulsive and selfish. She refuses additional mental health services and we firmly believe she needs them. Until that is complete she can not be in our home. Her grandparents think we are cruel but we remain resoloute. Any suggestions on maintaining respect with sincerely grateful meddling grandparents, greatly appreciated.
  2. Love never ends

    Love never ends New Member

    Hi I do understand the not wanting her in your house I had a situation that led to her not living in my house. The problem is people will always say your cruel until they have to live day in day out with it ( is she living with the grandparents now ? ) My mum and dad used to side with my daughter or say oh all kids are like that until she saw it first hand and had her while I went away for a break ..... My mum and dad actually refused to have her visit them for a while that's how bad it was. I think only you and your husband know what's right for your house and I admire your strength for sticking to your guns, my one is not at home but still very much holding the strings to my heart and I'm still learning with all these helpful people on here what I have to do to get a little bit of me back I hope you find some support here and encouragement that your doing the right thing. Perhaps if the grandparents think you are cruel they can take over with her full time they might change there tune ( unless they already have her and in that case I would ask them how they are managing her and work out if she is just playing up for you as I know my daughter can behave different if she wants to ) lots of love to you X
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Hon. Look, you are an adult and know about Life with Daughter more than anyone else, including your parents. Be respectful to your parents, but you are a mother now and do not and can not always do things that are bad for you to please them. They are crossing a boundary by telling you what you should do about your adult child who isn't benefiting by living with you. In fact, she is refusing to help herself and I'm guessing she is abusing you.

    Unfortunately, difficult adult children can cause differences of opinion in some families, but as adults ourselves, I feel we need to continue what is best for us. It's possible one day dad and mom may offer her a place to stay. Let them. This is their decision. It's not like you didn't warn them. Usually the Grands end up making them leave too, with new respect for what we dealt with. In other words, we have no choice when making difficult decisions that others may disagree with, out of naivety, we take a risk that other people could become righteously mad at us.

    in my opinion we need to be strong and develop thick skin, even with family. When other opinions stop is from doing what is best for us and our difficult adult kids, we lose our adulthood and power. We need to do what is right, not what pleases our extended family. They are not the parent. It is good to show your daughter and other kids that you are your own adult person.

    Tell MOm, "I agree to disagree but prefer not discussing this issue."

    Mom: well. I didn't raise you to throw out your daughter...

    You: oh, I hear the door. I have to go now. Love you!"

    You can try to explain, but you probably already have.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ;)

    Have a peaceful day focused on YOU for a change.
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  4. Love never ends

    Love never ends New Member

    SWOT you talk so much sense and put things in a way that I only wish my brain was capable of doing and saying .... My daughter has just asked me to go with her for a coffee ( I've got all nervous and it's me who pays for them coffee lunch and the whole day ) so I said Thankyou but no Thankyou needless to say she totally ignored me and I'm waiting for it to all kick off .. im going to pay for saying no for many days and nights I can tell xxx
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You will only pay for it if you let her abuse you. This is what I said and practiced with my son. Don't say it if you don't mean it or daughter will shell get worse at first so you see it as a my opinion she should not have the piwer to scare you with aggressive, mean words. You can stop it now. Sure, she will be furious at first. So what? Your kid or not, she isn't your ruler. Nobody has a right to abuse you. Set a boundary, then wait three days to answer her calls again. Turn off the phone and hide it, if necessary. She is an adult who can take care of her own problems, or else she better learn. You can't live forever and you hurt both you and her by letting her be abusive. Don't let her do it. It is bad for both of you. Here is how you can handle setting this boundary setting and follow up.

    "I am setting a boundary. You and I must have mutually respectful conversations or else I'm afraid I will have to end the discussion until we can do it."

    Her: abusive rant

    You: I love you. Well try again later. (Disconnect and don't answer for three days. Try again. If she gets abusive this time, repeat "I love you. Well try again later." Wait three days. Rinse, repeat

    You find you are getting your control and self esteem back. You are demanding respect, perfectly reasonable. She has no right to terrorize you.

    This worked for my son once he realized I meant it. I decided I'd rather not talk to him at all than hear disrespect. He doesn't do that at all anymore. He even apologized, explaining he was under stress (he was in a custody battle).

    Please be good to yourself. Just because we gave birth or adopted a beloved child doesn't mean that child can grow up to be a tyrant and that, if they do, we have to put up with it.

    We don't. Nor should we. It's bad for us and them too. You can cut off the money in the same way. She isn't five years old. She can get a job. If she won't, that's on her. We only need to support our kids financially until 18. After that it's a choice. And it shouldn't be because of emotional blackmail or fear of hearing abuse. by the way if you do take her for coffee, because YOU want to and can afford it, get up, pay and leave as soon as she abuses you. Cut no corners. Give these adults an inch, they think it's ok to ramp up the abuse. It must be stopped without discussion, with you being calm, and without letting nastiness slide at all. Or monetary demands. Or criticism.

    You can do it. We all learned, although it can be a learning curve.
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    Last edited: May 16, 2016
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Willpower,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.
    You are an adult and have to make choices that are best for you. I commend you for making such a difficult choice.

    You could tell your parents something like:
    You: While I appreciate your concern I would ask that you respect our decision.
    Parents: We can't it's cruel what you are doing.
    You: What's cruel is the way she is treating us. She has no respect for our rules or boundaries. We have tried to help her but our helping is no longer helping. She needs more than we can provide.
    Parents: It sounds like you are giving up.
    You: We will never give up but we recognize our limits and we have reached them. We have made our decision. We will just have to agree to disagree.

    Good luck!

    Let us know how it goes.
  7. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I have had meddling, well meaning relatives do the same. They mean to do well, in what they see as a rift. They want to fix it, the family be whole. They cannot possibly understand what you have been through with your child and cannot view the situation from your view. I agree with everyone. Just be firm and repectful that this is a situation in which you will have to agree to disagree, the topic is not up for discussion, and disengage/leave the conversation or visit if they cannot respect that. They won't agree with you, which is fine. But they will come to understand you mean it when you say you are not open for conversation about it and learn to steer clear of the topic.
  8. Love never ends

    Love never ends New Member

    More great advice if only you could jump into my body for the day say it all for me I read these things and think right this is what I'm gonna do, then she calls and I can't remember a thing and start stuttering it's been so long living on my nerves I've forgotten how to be clear speaking and use different tones. I'm normally in robot mode and just say ok or yes ... Still I said no today and so far no abuse but told me she wanted bank statements from her bank so I need to take her ! Said by text " no I'm busy and your more than capable to get on a bus and get them yourself " I literally was shaking typing it ! She did reply and say fine I will ... Then hour later my mother rings to say daughter wants to go lunch with me and you tomo and low and behold she told my mum what area she wanted to go and when my mum asked why she replied, I need to get a bank statement so you can drop me of as its on the way When I told my mum she had one thing to do and was told I wasn't taking her my mum then spoke to my daughter and said sorry I'm busy and so is mummy tomo .. Her reply was well I should come before you being busy ( that was to my mum ) she hasn't said anything to me but I do know she still has not got the statements as yet ! Praying this gets easier as she always defeats me xxx
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I strongly suggest you write some responses down. It really helps to see it, to see what you should say.

    :bravo: Good Job!!!!!

    More manipulation hoping to make you or your mum feel guilty.

    I'm going to correct you here, she didn't defeat you this time, you said NO. The stronger you get the easier it will get.

    You are doing really great Love!