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My final appeal (kinda long, sorry) Input?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 220897" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Shari, I just spend the last few hours (literally) drafting a detailed post for you. difficult child 3 was heading for bed (over a long time, noisily, distractingly) so now I am starting again.</p><p></p><p>First - although I love your letter and thing you need to hold onto it somewhere, it is not the right letter for this situation. </p><p></p><p>What you wrote is very emotive, a very useful way for trying to get someone to understand. But that isn't what the school will do anything about. Instead, you need to follow strict guidelines. You write in the first sentence, what you are upset about. You also write what you want done about it. Follow the form letter.</p><p></p><p>I'll try to summarise what I wrote:</p><p></p><p>First, I think the school has you hoodwinked and brainwashed about your son. The poor kid - he's probably very confused, extremely anxious, he doesn't understand sarcasm, "joking around", ambiguous or confusing rules or instructions, or ANY mixed signals and when he gets upset he gets held to higher (and unfair) standards than is appropriate for a kid his age (especially one with problems).</p><p></p><p>If you were in his skin, I think you would find it hard to not hide under the table and cry, also. I know I'd be under the table with him. And yet, in some of the interactions you've told us about, your son has been remarkably forbearing.</p><p></p><p>The school SHOULD have not only stopped this woman treating your son in such a discriminatory manner, they should have begun a healing process. It's not only your son who needs to recover from the damage, it's now the other kids and other staff too. The other kids have learned that they can hassle difficult child and it is apparently endorsed, as if they have been recruited into the campaign of "give difficult child a hard time, the teacher will show you how."</p><p></p><p>Instead of immediately acting, the school instead chose to devalue the problem and/or blame the victim: "It didn't really happen that way." "It wasn't that bad, difficult child is over-reacting." Or "But he really is a handful, you have to sympathise with the teacher."</p><p></p><p>I recognise this because I used to do it too. I wrote many letters like yours. I sent some of them. I didn't get much response, certainly not the response I wanted. I learned to send better letters which got a better response, but I've kept ALL the letters.</p><p></p><p>I also was hoodwinked by the school into blaming my child and devaluing the problems he faced and the bullying he endured. I was made to believe that in some fashion my son needed to learn to cope with this, or that this was unavoidable, part of the rough and tumble of school life. But it is not. It can be completely free of this. it should be.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3's current placement is as wonderful, as it used to be bad. We had a Learning Team meeting today that was absolutely brilliant. It was organised promptly, as soon as the Special Education teacher realised we were at the school today. Most of difficult child 3's teachers for next year (as well as some from this year) were sitting around the table. Another teacher was working with difficult child 3 in the same classroom. The teachers greeted difficult child 3 with respect, asking him how he likes to be addressed and letting him know what they want to be called (most of the school teachers here are first name basis). We discussed how they need to interact with him, to use positive motivation, to condense the work as much as possible, to avoid too much drill or repetition. They were warned that difficult child 3, socially, has problems. He can seem insolent or disrespectful in his communication with teachers especially if he feels he has been treated unfairly - this is the hangover from previous problems like your difficult child's. It takes time to undo this level of damage.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child has been traumatised. A conditioned response has been built up to the point where the sight of this teacher triggers a great deal of anxiety in him as well as making him feel a total failure. THIS NEEDS UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT. The school needs to understand this and not punish him for it.</p><p></p><p>The other kids - they need to learn that not only is he NOT to be a source of amusement for anybody, but they need to look out for him and keep him safe. Frankly, something I've done in the past is secretly recruit classmates of difficult child 3's as spies, to tell me THEIR version of what is going on. Never reveal your sources to anybody, but it is a good way for you to undermine the school's brainwashing of you.</p><p></p><p>There is so much more I want to write, but I keep losing what I post and I've already been trying to answer just this one post for 5 hours now. THAT is how important this is to me, Shari. Your son sounds so much like mine at that age.</p><p></p><p>I'll go over this in the morning and try to write more then.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I'll make more sense by then!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 220897, member: 1991"] Shari, I just spend the last few hours (literally) drafting a detailed post for you. difficult child 3 was heading for bed (over a long time, noisily, distractingly) so now I am starting again. First - although I love your letter and thing you need to hold onto it somewhere, it is not the right letter for this situation. What you wrote is very emotive, a very useful way for trying to get someone to understand. But that isn't what the school will do anything about. Instead, you need to follow strict guidelines. You write in the first sentence, what you are upset about. You also write what you want done about it. Follow the form letter. I'll try to summarise what I wrote: First, I think the school has you hoodwinked and brainwashed about your son. The poor kid - he's probably very confused, extremely anxious, he doesn't understand sarcasm, "joking around", ambiguous or confusing rules or instructions, or ANY mixed signals and when he gets upset he gets held to higher (and unfair) standards than is appropriate for a kid his age (especially one with problems). If you were in his skin, I think you would find it hard to not hide under the table and cry, also. I know I'd be under the table with him. And yet, in some of the interactions you've told us about, your son has been remarkably forbearing. The school SHOULD have not only stopped this woman treating your son in such a discriminatory manner, they should have begun a healing process. It's not only your son who needs to recover from the damage, it's now the other kids and other staff too. The other kids have learned that they can hassle difficult child and it is apparently endorsed, as if they have been recruited into the campaign of "give difficult child a hard time, the teacher will show you how." Instead of immediately acting, the school instead chose to devalue the problem and/or blame the victim: "It didn't really happen that way." "It wasn't that bad, difficult child is over-reacting." Or "But he really is a handful, you have to sympathise with the teacher." I recognise this because I used to do it too. I wrote many letters like yours. I sent some of them. I didn't get much response, certainly not the response I wanted. I learned to send better letters which got a better response, but I've kept ALL the letters. I also was hoodwinked by the school into blaming my child and devaluing the problems he faced and the bullying he endured. I was made to believe that in some fashion my son needed to learn to cope with this, or that this was unavoidable, part of the rough and tumble of school life. But it is not. It can be completely free of this. it should be. difficult child 3's current placement is as wonderful, as it used to be bad. We had a Learning Team meeting today that was absolutely brilliant. It was organised promptly, as soon as the Special Education teacher realised we were at the school today. Most of difficult child 3's teachers for next year (as well as some from this year) were sitting around the table. Another teacher was working with difficult child 3 in the same classroom. The teachers greeted difficult child 3 with respect, asking him how he likes to be addressed and letting him know what they want to be called (most of the school teachers here are first name basis). We discussed how they need to interact with him, to use positive motivation, to condense the work as much as possible, to avoid too much drill or repetition. They were warned that difficult child 3, socially, has problems. He can seem insolent or disrespectful in his communication with teachers especially if he feels he has been treated unfairly - this is the hangover from previous problems like your difficult child's. It takes time to undo this level of damage. Your difficult child has been traumatised. A conditioned response has been built up to the point where the sight of this teacher triggers a great deal of anxiety in him as well as making him feel a total failure. THIS NEEDS UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT. The school needs to understand this and not punish him for it. The other kids - they need to learn that not only is he NOT to be a source of amusement for anybody, but they need to look out for him and keep him safe. Frankly, something I've done in the past is secretly recruit classmates of difficult child 3's as spies, to tell me THEIR version of what is going on. Never reveal your sources to anybody, but it is a good way for you to undermine the school's brainwashing of you. There is so much more I want to write, but I keep losing what I post and I've already been trying to answer just this one post for 5 hours now. THAT is how important this is to me, Shari. Your son sounds so much like mine at that age. I'll go over this in the morning and try to write more then. Maybe I'll make more sense by then! Marg [/QUOTE]
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