My friend seem to freak out over nothing

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    100 likes to the person that can come up with a potential logical explanation for this. ;) Also, apologies, because this might be a tad difficult to follow. I had breakfast the other day with a friend, the mom of a difficult child.....

    Some might recall my post from months ago. Our Difficult Child has made friends in the neighborhood with a woman ten years her senior who is a professional woman and a widow. My daughter comes to her house fairly regularly. I would say three times a week! On occasion, she stays for dinner (I think). But, usually I think she just watches TV, sometimes with her, sometimes without. Fixes her computer. They seem to be friendly.

    I had breakfast with a different neighborhood woman, more my age. We meet perhaps three times a year. Her daughter is a Difficult Child. My daughter knows her, but they don't get along. They are the same age. We (that mother and I) meet to sort of let our hair down and relax. It's always fun, relaxing and a good stress reliever.

    However, recently my daughter told me that her daughter has been doing something weird. As far as I can tell, nothing particularly dangerous....but something I know the friend (the girl's mom) would not approve of. She (my daughter) made me promise not to tell and I agreed. Fortunately, nothing along those lines came up.

    So, we were talking and I did ask her if she has heard of this adult woman in the neighborhood who my daughter has made friends with. She did NOT. However, she became alarmed. ???? She asked me her name. I gave the first name. She asked me what street she lived on. I told her. She asked me her last name and her exact address. I said I didn't recall. (Actually, I probably could of remembered if I concentrated, but felt awkward). She then WROTE DOWN THE FIRST NAME OF THIS WOMAN. She offered no explanation. I said that the woman to the best of my knowledge hasn't done anything inappropriate, but yes I do find it a little curious that she has become friends with my daughter, but that is all. She mumbled that she just wanted to write it down.

    The, she told me some typical difficult child stuff her daughter had done recently, nothing earth shattering, but clearly annoying and I empathized with her.

    Throughout the breakfast, she seemed stressed and sad. It was totally unlike previous meetings. I left there feeling kinda bad. She didn't seem forthwright and was downright peculiar in her interest in this new-ish friend of my daughter's who lives in the neighborhood. I probably made a mistake when I told her that my daughter said her daughter knew of the woman. My daughter says all the folks her age know of her. "Translation....all the difficult children know of her." I absolutely do not get the impression this woman is friends with my friend's daughter, but it is curious that she knows of her. Again, it's as if this woman befriends all the "difficult adult children" in the neighborhood. As if she is almost making a point of befriending all the difficult adult children around her.

    So, why in the world would this woman (my friend) react so oddly? I guess it reminded me of the old days when I was hypervigiliant about our daughter...but this was when she was much much younger. Both of our adult children are in their late 20s.

    Re reading this...I guess two questions emerge:
    1. Why would my friend almost freak out about my daughter being friends with this adult woman, who she claims she doesn't know?
    2. And although I wouldn't describe myself as freaked out over it, it is still rather curious as to why this adult professional woman has befriended my daughter and others like her in the area. She does seem nice and has been helpful. And interestingly, she complains to our daughter about any friends on drugs or doing things she doesn't approve of.

    PS There is a small chance I might asked for this thread to be removed since it is of a personal nature.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Hmmm, it is peculiar. On both fronts...perhaps the other woman's child has spoken of this woman? Perhaps she told her mother about her, or maybe her daughter has been asked to not hang around due to something....since I no one really knows what all is said between them.

    I'm guessing...her daughter has been shunned for whAtever reason.
     
  3. karisma

    karisma Member

    I have known professional people, and been one myself also, who use drugs. That is one possible reason for Difficult Child's to hang around her. They would be ultra protective of her for a while at least, swearing up and down that she "doesn't do that".

    She may be a Difficult Child herself with some kind of issues, like immaturity, who happens to have a good job. I've had great jobs for long periods during which time I struggled very badly with mental illness and drug use.

    Sorry. Just something to think about.
     
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This is something that has run through my mind. In fact I checked her reviews on line and they were good until this year. I thought to myself that something seems to have changed and drugs or alcohol ran through my head.
    So far (knock on wood and crossing myself) our difficult child has not been a drug user. Experimented, but (knock on wood) has not been an issue. She has cop friends and this rubbed off on her in a positive way. However, she knows drug users and could get this woman access. This HAS crossed my mind.

    No idea how to broach the subject. Difficult Child would fiercely defend her under probably any and all circumstances.
     
  5. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    What I have encountered with my son is that any time someone older is his "friend" it is either to get drugs from him, have him sell their drugs, or have some other type of inappropriate (in my opinion due to age difference) relationship with him. Normal people just don't hang out with these Difficult Child's - most people with good boundaries would not entangle themselves.
    I would have a hunch that there was something that upset the woman concerning her daughter knowing this woman and that is what was going on. This last go round of county jail with my son who is 20 had an older woman from another town calling me and professing to care so much about him. Totally inappropriate as she has a child his age and what I figure is she was worried he would talk about her dealings. She even sent an e-mail to his court appointed attorney chastising him for the outcome, much to my chagrin. I acted like I didn't know who it was and sent him a lengthy thank you for what he had done for a pittance of money. Another older man and his son whom my son has known since they were young was supposedly interested in helping my son get an attorney. This older man owns the Hispanic newspaper but I was thinking what in the world - no person in their right mind would do this and get in someone else's business. I have met both him and his wife and they are traditional, old-school and very proper so maybe they did just care about this kid as we had taken his son many times camping when they were younger.
    In these cases there is a certain type of predatory relationship going on in my mind when someone much older hangs out with younger people.
     
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm trying hard not to be suspicious, but I've had so many negative experiences in the past. So far, I have seen one thing potentially of concern. Generally, she has been helpful. I am keeping my ears open. Trying to figure out a way to broach the subject with our daughter. When they (my kids) were younger, I would say if anyone tried to touch your privates, even a priest or a doctor, you tell me. The priest or doctor got their attention. It stuck. NOT exactly the same thing; I'm not concerned about that type of thing. But, I'm trying to figure out a way of saying something that would get her attention generically. Like "if someone every asks you to get drugs for them, even your best friend, my best friend or a favorite mom in the neighborhood...don't do it and tell me!" Something that would get her thinking, without causing her to over react or get defensive about her older friend, who I know she will protect. GEEEZ.
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Is there a way to talk to her law enforcement friends? Even if you reminded her that she could go to them also?

    They never want mom just involved...
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Well, as difficult children tend to do, she did something weird and she is not really friends with them anymore. I wouldn't say they dislike her, but probably avoid her to a certain extent. They are also a few counties over. But, yes, in a pinch, I think she could reach out to them. Definitely something to consider. Thank you.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Nomad
    Why don't you call your friend and just ask her what was wrong in a roundabout way?

    Just something to the effect that she did not seem like herself and you were wondering if something was bothering her and if so, did she perhaps want to talk about it?

    All she can say is no.
     
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  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Nomad, I would ask your friend outright about the exchange. I am finding that I need to talk directly to friends about my Difficult Child---otherwise, I am making all kinds of assumptions about what they are thinking, what they really mean, what they know that I don't know...on and on. It's nerve-wracking. I think it's on us to be direct about these situations. Would you feel okay about doing that? Building on RN's post above...
     
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  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Ya know, I did ask her. I think I said simply "Why do you want to know this information?" And she mumbled something like "I just want to know and write it down." It was obvious to me from the beginning she was not being forthright. She hasn't been as forthright as myself (in general) re: certain things about her child. For example, I am aware of drug usage and she has never mentioned it. It is, largely, common knowledge in the neighborhood. But, since she hasn't mentioned it, I don't either. The thing is, this particular encounter was sooo different from others, it left me cold. She was truly troubled. It, in the past, has been a time to relax and let down our hair a bit. This time, she was stiff, odd, "off" and playing it close to the vest. I did ask her but I suppose I could have been much more specific like "You are clearly very concerned about this adult woman friend of my daughter's and I sense that you are more than typically concerned here." But, that just seemed overboard. When I asked her simply why she wanted to know the extra info (last name, exact address...WTH?) she was NOT forthcoming. Bad enough we have to second guess our kids, but now I'm second guessing this woman. I was withholding some info. about her child, maybe she was withholding some info. about mine????? What to do???? Darn it.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Could you call her back and say this: You know, I was thinking about our conversation the other day, and it's been worrying me....can we talk about this some more? Please know you can be honest with me and I know I can be the same with you. It's really helpful to have friends like you...etc. Maybe she will open up. Or you can find out that it's nothing.
     
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  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    COM....I'm under the gun here. I can not be honest with her. My daughter made me promise not to tell her the secret she told me about her child. Her child is doing something in direct violation to what the mother has asked of her. The mom got her daughter a condo and established certain rules. Months ago, the mom was bragging to me that she felt her daughter was following all the rules. Well, this is in clear violation of the rules. It is nothing illegal, but would definitely bother the mother. I feel badly for the mom, a very good woman. I DID notice that the mother did not brag about this thing during our last visit. So, my guess is she either outright already knows or suspects. I can not say "I can be the same with you" in terms of honesty, because I really can't. I can't break my daughter's trust. I suppose this mom was DYING to ask me what I know and may have gotten madder and madder during our visit (it seemed that way and for no reason) because I wasn't spilling any beans. The only little remote piece of info. she got that may in some indirect way involve her child was this adult woman who is very friendly with my daughter and knows hers. It was like she was starved for any little tidbit of info I could give her.
    PS I just realized, maybe we are both in the exact same boats. Both of us keeping secrets we promised these adults kids. UGH!
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I just called my daughter and made up some crazy excuse to inquire about the woman's daughter and the thing that she was doing that would have bothered the mom. Seems she is no longer doing the inappropriate thing. Hmmm. Will give this some thought, but now I feel a little freer to call the mom and ask her if there was something bothering her during our meeting the other day etc.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think it's worth a try Nomad. I want to know! LOL
     
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    It is hard to. e forthcoming about drugs. But she is either hiding something...or suspects something involving this woman.
     
  17. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I think that there is definitely something that she isn't telling you.

    She either knows something about this woman or has suspicions about her.

    If it were me I would call her and be honest with her and say, "I noticed that the mention of this women seemed to bother you and you were very interested in her. To be honest, I am concerned about her and the relationship with my daughter. If there is something you know or heard or suspect I would appreciate it if you would share it with me if you could."

    I don't think that there is any reason that what your daughter told you in confidence should even come up.
     
  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Whatever you decide to do or not, we're here with you Nomad. We understand the hardships of all of this and the strains it puts on relationships with friends and family.
     
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