Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
I don't know what to think, do, or say anymore. Period.
Evidently the family couldn't have misunderstood what was going on with Nichole more if we'd deliberately tried.
And in our "helping" all we did was make it profoundly worse and push her closer to the edge.
Nichole lied when she said boyfriend knew where she was. sister in law and easy child, of course assumed she was telling the truth, and told boyfriend where she was, who of course naturally took it they way it looked. Not that I blame him.
BUT................. Seems there are always BUTS in my life these days.
Last night out of the blue I get a phone call from bff's husband. He called to let me know that Nichole showed up on his doorstep days ago an emotional mess. She wouldn't tell him a thing except that she'd left boyfriend and was tired of the way he treated her. But from her condition, which according to him was awfully bad, he guessed that his wife's death had suddenly hit her full force, knocked her for a loop, and boyfriend reacted badly which compounded everything causing her to leave. He says he tried hard to get her to call easy child or I but she flat out refused saying she wanted nothing to do with us. And in her state he was afraid to push the issue. So he told her she could sleep in one of the boys beds until she figured out what she wanted to do. That he felt I deserved to know she was ok and not on the streets or anything.
I was more than a bit shocked. Evidently she isn't talking to him much either. I was friendlier than I wanted to be, but figured making an enemy out of him wasn't going to do anyone any good.
Then easy child pmed me on fb forwarding a pm Nichole replied rather viciously to. easy child was feeling bad for being so hard on her about Aubrey and had made an attempt to apologize and offer any help she could. Nichole's response was cruel. She said we messed it all up when we didn't know what was going on, that it had nothing to do with boyfriend, she didn't want to be with boyfriend anymore, and that us wanting to commit her.........and well........it just got really ugly and resulted in her basically disowning the whole family. So I'm pretty sure either sister in law or easy child or both of them let it out where she was and also mentioned the Baker Act thing........even though it was never seriously considered......and boyfriend in his hurt and anger typically threw it in her face as usual.
So now she is drowning in grief over bff, her heart is shattered over boyfriend, and she feels betrayed by her family. You can't possibly feel any more alone in the world than that. Which explains her reaction to easy child. When Nichole is truly hurting, she lashes out like a wounded animal. And while what she wrote hurt me and made me angry........I also could see the immense pain in what she wrote.
So I wouldn't let myself respond to it. I didn't want to make it worse.
Instead I spent much of the night chatting with K on fb. I figured I messed up with her pretty bad.....and if anyone could advise me on how to fix it maybe she could. Of course without knowing what was going on either.....it was difficult for her to try to give ideas except to let her cool off and that she hoped Nichole isn't as stubborn as she is and waits so long that by the time she figures out she was wrong she is afraid to come to the family like she was.
Then this morning before I can get my first cup of coffee.......bff's husband calls me again. He is really worried about Nichole. He said she's hurting bad, really bad, over bff and the mess with boyfriend. And evidently she must have had a huge blow out with boyfriend last night because when she showed up she was worse than ever. He has attempted to talk to her, but she's not talking to him much either. And he's been trying to get her to go talk to a professional.....and he's not sure about her response to that. She didn't shoot him out of the water, but didn't say she would. He swore that he thinks of Nichole like a niece and that there is nothing more going on then him giving her a place to stay. He's afraid to make her leave for fear she'll really go off the deep end since he can't get her to come her or easy child's even to talk. He said she's grieving for bff at least as bad as the boys are.....maybe a bit worse since she wasn't around during the worst months/past year or so of bff's addiction. She was terribly close to bff and loved her dearly, especially as a child. She spent nearly day there (with me too) for several years.
He said that while Nichole is only giving him bits and pieces, he thinks bff's death hit her hard that day, that boyfriend being young, dumb, and not so life experienced, boyfriend reacted either totally inappropriately or at least poorly.......and it was just the last straw for Nichole. He has no clue why she came to him, except maybe in some odd way to feel closer to bff, he doesn't know. He said he knows she has been going home daily because she keeps coming back with her clothes changed. But as the week has progressed she's gotten worse and now he's really worried about her and truly thinks she needs to talk to a professional.
Since this mess blindsided me I've been forced, whether I wanted to or not, to grieve for bff and to deal with her death, her drug use, and even the person she was. The truth of the matter is that bff was seriously mentally ill. The psychiatrist diagnosed her personality disorder but would never tell her which one. I suspect narcissitic but it could be some other one as I don't know whether with that personality disorder they tend to be so darn self destructive or not. I know that bff told me some mighty horrid stuff about her husband doing to her......but she always denied it later and I never knew what the heck to believe because I would have her Mom telling me that bff had done that for years and that she had caught her in enough lies that she just refused to listen to it anymore. I know that I've seen bff's husband be mighty cruel with my own eyes.........with words. I've seen bruises on bff.......but I've also seen bff viciously physically attack the man too. With this mess and fearing for Nichole's safety I've been forced to think back over the years to look at what I really do know about the man. And honestly...........I don't know what think anymore. I know he has the boys in therapy. I know he has been going out of his way to watch over bff's SO (why would he do that?) and her mother and getting them to their therapy appointments. And I know bff's Mom has been at the house just about everyday........and I know this woman well enough to know that if she suspected anything disgusting going on.....well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty, especially with her already grieving for bff.
Oh, *ell. Maybe I just so desperately want to believe my child is not in danger than I'm letting a master manipulator pull the wool over my eyes.
But this man sounded genuinely concerned and worried for someone he cared about. He's particularly worried because of living with a wife with serious mental illness.........and knowing what certain behaviors can lead to if ignored. He says Nichole is reminding him of what bff used to behave before going off the deep end and it's scaring the hades out of him. Somehow this is just not quite meshing with the monster bff always painted him to be. With Nichole in this state she would be open season if he honestly intended to take advantage of her, yet he appears to be trying to find a way to help her, keep her connected with her family even though she is pushing us away.......Do you see the problem I'm having with the whole monster thing?? OMG I'm so bleeping confused.
He also said that if boyfriend truly loves Nichole that he needs to man up and figure out that this mess has nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with the girl he supposedly loves hurting and being more devastated than she ever has in her life and he needs to forget about his feelings for a while and help her through this.
Again. I am so confused. It's such a mess.
But I did give him the name of the psychiatrist she wanted to see a while back, the good one, not the one connected with mental health. Their office also takes the medical card.......and will do really reduced payments like 10.00 a visit.
People this is so bad.........I'm lost. easy child thinks I need to talk to boyfriend and tell him what bff's husband said. I'm afraid to do anything at this point for fear of making it even worse. But I do feel the kid should know......and that if he does care......maybe....oh heck I dunno.
But I swear on all that is holy, I will never ever interfere in my kids lives again. I will clench my mouth shut tight and simple refuse to talk. They will have to live and learn the hard way by working it out for themselves just like I did.
Evidently the family couldn't have misunderstood what was going on with Nichole more if we'd deliberately tried.
And in our "helping" all we did was make it profoundly worse and push her closer to the edge.Nichole lied when she said boyfriend knew where she was. sister in law and easy child, of course assumed she was telling the truth, and told boyfriend where she was, who of course naturally took it they way it looked. Not that I blame him.
BUT................. Seems there are always BUTS in my life these days.
Last night out of the blue I get a phone call from bff's husband. He called to let me know that Nichole showed up on his doorstep days ago an emotional mess. She wouldn't tell him a thing except that she'd left boyfriend and was tired of the way he treated her. But from her condition, which according to him was awfully bad, he guessed that his wife's death had suddenly hit her full force, knocked her for a loop, and boyfriend reacted badly which compounded everything causing her to leave. He says he tried hard to get her to call easy child or I but she flat out refused saying she wanted nothing to do with us. And in her state he was afraid to push the issue. So he told her she could sleep in one of the boys beds until she figured out what she wanted to do. That he felt I deserved to know she was ok and not on the streets or anything.
I was more than a bit shocked. Evidently she isn't talking to him much either. I was friendlier than I wanted to be, but figured making an enemy out of him wasn't going to do anyone any good.
Then easy child pmed me on fb forwarding a pm Nichole replied rather viciously to. easy child was feeling bad for being so hard on her about Aubrey and had made an attempt to apologize and offer any help she could. Nichole's response was cruel. She said we messed it all up when we didn't know what was going on, that it had nothing to do with boyfriend, she didn't want to be with boyfriend anymore, and that us wanting to commit her.........and well........it just got really ugly and resulted in her basically disowning the whole family. So I'm pretty sure either sister in law or easy child or both of them let it out where she was and also mentioned the Baker Act thing........even though it was never seriously considered......and boyfriend in his hurt and anger typically threw it in her face as usual.
So now she is drowning in grief over bff, her heart is shattered over boyfriend, and she feels betrayed by her family. You can't possibly feel any more alone in the world than that. Which explains her reaction to easy child. When Nichole is truly hurting, she lashes out like a wounded animal. And while what she wrote hurt me and made me angry........I also could see the immense pain in what she wrote.
So I wouldn't let myself respond to it. I didn't want to make it worse.
Instead I spent much of the night chatting with K on fb. I figured I messed up with her pretty bad.....and if anyone could advise me on how to fix it maybe she could. Of course without knowing what was going on either.....it was difficult for her to try to give ideas except to let her cool off and that she hoped Nichole isn't as stubborn as she is and waits so long that by the time she figures out she was wrong she is afraid to come to the family like she was.
Then this morning before I can get my first cup of coffee.......bff's husband calls me again. He is really worried about Nichole. He said she's hurting bad, really bad, over bff and the mess with boyfriend. And evidently she must have had a huge blow out with boyfriend last night because when she showed up she was worse than ever. He has attempted to talk to her, but she's not talking to him much either. And he's been trying to get her to go talk to a professional.....and he's not sure about her response to that. She didn't shoot him out of the water, but didn't say she would. He swore that he thinks of Nichole like a niece and that there is nothing more going on then him giving her a place to stay. He's afraid to make her leave for fear she'll really go off the deep end since he can't get her to come her or easy child's even to talk. He said she's grieving for bff at least as bad as the boys are.....maybe a bit worse since she wasn't around during the worst months/past year or so of bff's addiction. She was terribly close to bff and loved her dearly, especially as a child. She spent nearly day there (with me too) for several years.
He said that while Nichole is only giving him bits and pieces, he thinks bff's death hit her hard that day, that boyfriend being young, dumb, and not so life experienced, boyfriend reacted either totally inappropriately or at least poorly.......and it was just the last straw for Nichole. He has no clue why she came to him, except maybe in some odd way to feel closer to bff, he doesn't know. He said he knows she has been going home daily because she keeps coming back with her clothes changed. But as the week has progressed she's gotten worse and now he's really worried about her and truly thinks she needs to talk to a professional.
Since this mess blindsided me I've been forced, whether I wanted to or not, to grieve for bff and to deal with her death, her drug use, and even the person she was. The truth of the matter is that bff was seriously mentally ill. The psychiatrist diagnosed her personality disorder but would never tell her which one. I suspect narcissitic but it could be some other one as I don't know whether with that personality disorder they tend to be so darn self destructive or not. I know that bff told me some mighty horrid stuff about her husband doing to her......but she always denied it later and I never knew what the heck to believe because I would have her Mom telling me that bff had done that for years and that she had caught her in enough lies that she just refused to listen to it anymore. I know that I've seen bff's husband be mighty cruel with my own eyes.........with words. I've seen bruises on bff.......but I've also seen bff viciously physically attack the man too. With this mess and fearing for Nichole's safety I've been forced to think back over the years to look at what I really do know about the man. And honestly...........I don't know what think anymore. I know he has the boys in therapy. I know he has been going out of his way to watch over bff's SO (why would he do that?) and her mother and getting them to their therapy appointments. And I know bff's Mom has been at the house just about everyday........and I know this woman well enough to know that if she suspected anything disgusting going on.....well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty, especially with her already grieving for bff.
Oh, *ell. Maybe I just so desperately want to believe my child is not in danger than I'm letting a master manipulator pull the wool over my eyes.
But this man sounded genuinely concerned and worried for someone he cared about. He's particularly worried because of living with a wife with serious mental illness.........and knowing what certain behaviors can lead to if ignored. He says Nichole is reminding him of what bff used to behave before going off the deep end and it's scaring the hades out of him. Somehow this is just not quite meshing with the monster bff always painted him to be. With Nichole in this state she would be open season if he honestly intended to take advantage of her, yet he appears to be trying to find a way to help her, keep her connected with her family even though she is pushing us away.......Do you see the problem I'm having with the whole monster thing?? OMG I'm so bleeping confused.
He also said that if boyfriend truly loves Nichole that he needs to man up and figure out that this mess has nothing at all to do with him and everything to do with the girl he supposedly loves hurting and being more devastated than she ever has in her life and he needs to forget about his feelings for a while and help her through this.
Again. I am so confused. It's such a mess.
But I did give him the name of the psychiatrist she wanted to see a while back, the good one, not the one connected with mental health. Their office also takes the medical card.......and will do really reduced payments like 10.00 a visit.
People this is so bad.........I'm lost. easy child thinks I need to talk to boyfriend and tell him what bff's husband said. I'm afraid to do anything at this point for fear of making it even worse. But I do feel the kid should know......and that if he does care......maybe....oh heck I dunno.
But I swear on all that is holy, I will never ever interfere in my kids lives again. I will clench my mouth shut tight and simple refuse to talk. They will have to live and learn the hard way by working it out for themselves just like I did.
