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My H tries to ruin the holidays for me~
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 390844" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Christmas traditions and holidays are a big stressor for a LOT of marriages. My own father used to HATE holidays and birthdays. He once told me that he would rather celebrate family every day, and be thankful for things every day rather than just one special day a year. Doing it on one prescribed day set by someone else felt fake to him. My mother told him when they were very first married to svck it up because it was part of life that their children were going to have and understand. Including HIS birthday, because that is how kids learn to give and not just receive. Of course once I had Wiz my father's view of Christmas changed 1000%, lol. </p><p> </p><p>When we lived in OH when my kids were little we ran into a LOT of stress/conflict a couple of years. As a kid we saw my dad's family on Christmas because they lived close and my other grands didn't. No biggie. The tradition in my father's family, set by my grandfather, was that Christmas was a holiday for Gma as well as everyone else. So there was no big hot dinner. The ham was cooked the night before, by Gpa, while everyone else went to midnight Mass. Christmas day was cold ham and all the fixin's for sandwiches, and lots of cookies and treats. Well, my aunt married a man with a big hot christmas dinner tradition, complete with a really disgusting (to all of us) sauerkraut soup. I haave had other versions of the soup that were not nearly as terrible, but this one is absolutely disgusting. Everyone had to sit down at the same time, it was a big production with HUGE fanfare, mostly about praising this man she married for cooking (even though all he did was take a ham out of the oven, my aunt did the rest). It created real stress a couple of years.</p><p> </p><p>Then husband and I decided that we would do our own thing because we, and our kids, are a family. We are allowed to have OUR traditions. It was almost heresy in the family for a year or two, though I have NO idea why when other than this dinner we were flat out told not to bring Wiz to their home until his voice changed. Then came the year thank you was born, when the man my aunt married insisted my kids be picked up by 4 am so they didn't bother him on a Sunday. I was IN LABOR at the hospital and my mother was FURIOUS when she picked up the kids to take them to my uncle's. We hadn't known about the pick up time until the kids were already there and my mom was already at the hospital. It was the LAST time I was EVER pressured to do something with them. Even when they visit my parents I make excuses because I have NO use for him or my father's sister. Their daughter is a delight, but her older bro is a pill and always has been. </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, the difference in tradition was a real challenge to cope with, and insisting on adhering to just one tradition really alienated a whole lot of people. </p><p> </p><p>Have you ever written out what YOU do and what H does for the holidays? Then show it to him? How none of the prep, fuss, etc... is actually done by him, then ask him why it bugs him that you do it all and pay for it all? Maybe if you SHOW him that he really does very little, and what he does is nice but not required so he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to, maybe it will make it different.</p><p> </p><p>on the other hand, it might be more effective to simply tell him that he doesn't have to enjoy it, or participate in ANY way, but he has NO RIGHT to ruin YOUR enjoyment, so would he please keep his nasty words and attitude to himself?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 390844, member: 1233"] Christmas traditions and holidays are a big stressor for a LOT of marriages. My own father used to HATE holidays and birthdays. He once told me that he would rather celebrate family every day, and be thankful for things every day rather than just one special day a year. Doing it on one prescribed day set by someone else felt fake to him. My mother told him when they were very first married to svck it up because it was part of life that their children were going to have and understand. Including HIS birthday, because that is how kids learn to give and not just receive. Of course once I had Wiz my father's view of Christmas changed 1000%, lol. When we lived in OH when my kids were little we ran into a LOT of stress/conflict a couple of years. As a kid we saw my dad's family on Christmas because they lived close and my other grands didn't. No biggie. The tradition in my father's family, set by my grandfather, was that Christmas was a holiday for Gma as well as everyone else. So there was no big hot dinner. The ham was cooked the night before, by Gpa, while everyone else went to midnight Mass. Christmas day was cold ham and all the fixin's for sandwiches, and lots of cookies and treats. Well, my aunt married a man with a big hot christmas dinner tradition, complete with a really disgusting (to all of us) sauerkraut soup. I haave had other versions of the soup that were not nearly as terrible, but this one is absolutely disgusting. Everyone had to sit down at the same time, it was a big production with HUGE fanfare, mostly about praising this man she married for cooking (even though all he did was take a ham out of the oven, my aunt did the rest). It created real stress a couple of years. Then husband and I decided that we would do our own thing because we, and our kids, are a family. We are allowed to have OUR traditions. It was almost heresy in the family for a year or two, though I have NO idea why when other than this dinner we were flat out told not to bring Wiz to their home until his voice changed. Then came the year thank you was born, when the man my aunt married insisted my kids be picked up by 4 am so they didn't bother him on a Sunday. I was IN LABOR at the hospital and my mother was FURIOUS when she picked up the kids to take them to my uncle's. We hadn't known about the pick up time until the kids were already there and my mom was already at the hospital. It was the LAST time I was EVER pressured to do something with them. Even when they visit my parents I make excuses because I have NO use for him or my father's sister. Their daughter is a delight, but her older bro is a pill and always has been. Anyway, the difference in tradition was a real challenge to cope with, and insisting on adhering to just one tradition really alienated a whole lot of people. Have you ever written out what YOU do and what H does for the holidays? Then show it to him? How none of the prep, fuss, etc... is actually done by him, then ask him why it bugs him that you do it all and pay for it all? Maybe if you SHOW him that he really does very little, and what he does is nice but not required so he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to, maybe it will make it different. on the other hand, it might be more effective to simply tell him that he doesn't have to enjoy it, or participate in ANY way, but he has NO RIGHT to ruin YOUR enjoyment, so would he please keep his nasty words and attitude to himself? [/QUOTE]
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My H tries to ruin the holidays for me~
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