My hands are shaking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ML, May 24, 2009.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    We're about to have the talk. I could only get husband to buy in so far. We raise the rent slightly and tell him he should work on becoming self sufficient by the end of the year. husband wanted to wait and see if he goes back to school full time because he wants to support him to that end. I said we'll tell him that *if* and *when* he is going to school full time we would be open to hearing an alternative proposal from him but we need to move forward with our boundary now.

    I know it's not very decisive and strong but remember, husband would have him stay forever without ANY boundaries or conditions if I wasn't here so I'm in negotiations.

    Please continue good thoughts and prayers. We told J we need to talk and he said in a short voice "why" and I said "because we have some things to discuss". He asked us to give him some time and he went back to the basement and I think he want back to bed. Ugh. I want to come across as strong and firm but kind and loving too. I'm scared. ML
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    your going to do great, it's just like any other child just keep that in mind you are just giving rules and boundaries and you can approach it that you are doing it for his best interest sort of thing.

    kids whatever age i think are never happy with-any rule, anything asked of them difficult child or not!! LOL :)

    it probably won't go too well, and that's ok you guys have the right to require things from him. Just remember it's all good you aren't doing anything wrong. Hopefully after he settles down logic will kick in.

    (((hugs))) stay strong!!!
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Good luck. I'm sorry that your husband isn't being more supportive of you.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs. I hope it goes well.. at least, as well as can be expected...
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    It never happened. J said he needed a few minutes and that was at 10:00 am and it is now 8 pm and he hasn't come up from the basement, presumably sleeping all day since he was out partying last night.

    The issue has been in the pit of my stomach and basically ruined my day. It is stressing husband, probably even more so.

    I don't know how to handle this. I don't mean to keep bothering everyone with this same issue but I don't have anyone to talk to about this right now in real life.

    I don't know how anyone makes a second marriage (when it inherits kids from the first one) work. I feel like I'm a decent, supportive and understanding person. Actually I'm probably too nice if anything. I listen, encourage and try to be fair. But this situation is out of control and I fear I may be powerless. It's husband's gig and it should be up him to establish the adult relationship he has with his son. If he wants to enable him to stay dependent what is my place in that? It's a slippery slope and I feel like I'm sliding fast.

    I guess I'll try to let it go for tonight and maybe we'll get a chance to talk to J tomorrow.

  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Don't wait for him to come up from the basement. husband needs to go down and ask (tell is he doesn't listen) J to come upstairs.

    This is another sign of disrespect when you told him you needed to talk to him and he did not set a firm time to do so. He brushed you off. husband needs to address that and get J's butt to the meeting pronto!
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd let it go for tonight. No use in getting all upset before bed and then not being able to sleep.

    I have issues with this whole Your kid / My kid thing. It's not you. I've had this issue for years, and I think it's a viewpoint that sets up sucessive marriages to fail, or at least puts an enormous amount of stress on them.

    K was 3 when husband and I married. Like it or not I stepped into a parental role. So I accepted K as my child and treated her always as I would one of my bio kids. I don't/have never attempted to step into bio Mom's shoes and never wanted to. But I have spent the past 26 years parenting K along with husband and bio Mom.

    My mother's 2nd husband was my Dad in every sense of the word, just as he was with his own grown 7 kids and my sibs. He loved us and diciplined us just as he would/did any of his own kids.

    And I know you're thinking ok, but those weren't grown kids. Yeah, it can be different when there are grown kids. But Mom's 4th husband married her after I (the youngest) had married husband. Neither Mom nor he spoke about "my" kid or "your kid" it was always "our" kid, and no outsider would've guessed the family had been combined. Actually, stepdad grew closer to me and my sibs than his own children over the years.

    Now this is just my opinion. But by automatically telling yourself that this is husband's son and he should be taking the lead you're handicapping yourself. The boy knows this, trust me, and he's using it. difficult child being husband's son and he should handle it applies if husband is the only one living with the kid. But this is YOUR home too. And like it or not, you have a parental role with this kid.

    In dealing with K I never thought of her in any other way other than being one of my kids. I approached all issues with her that way and really never had any problems. I go in with my confidence as a parent, do/say what I feel is appropriate as a parent and what is best in the situation, and that's that. Parental confidence makes an impact.

    As for husband, he needs to realize that difficult child's needs aren't the only thing to consider in this situation. (unless he'd like to move into an apartment only with difficult child where it would apply) You all are a family unit and the situation has to be approached as such.

    Sounds like maybe you need to talk with husband more and get a firm stand for boundaries and the plan before you sit down with difficult child. If husband is wavering.....difficult child will pounce on it and use it. You've got to have a plan you both can live with and stand firm on or it's gonna be so much hot air.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm with Lisa on the my kids/your kids thing. It might make a difference early on in a marriage where the children are small, but ultimately a 26 year old doesn't really fit into that equation. To me, this is as much about your marriage as it is about his son. Moreso, in fact. I know he has issues with drinking and that you are worried about that. But, he'll never really get past that if he continues to bury his head in the sand at every opportunity.

    I think he needs to rethink his vows, because you seriously are taking at the very least second place to his son in his life.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I had to do some detaching when I realized I was the one keeping husband from stepping up. But if yours won't, and things are not bearable for you, you will have to take the lead.

    If J is that disrespectful, and if he should do something like refuse to listen or walk away, it's simple. Next time he leaves, his stuff does too.

    This is a really hard line to take and hard to follow through, but there's always wiggle room. I couldn't do this, but I was tempted a few times!

    As for husband... Sometimes a good knock-down drag-out verbal fight helps... Sometimes not.
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    I love you all so much. Even when it's hard to hear, I appreciate your caring about me enough to say what you think.

    Today it was about manster being a difficult child when husband was on daycare patrol. Poor husband!

    Love, ML
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree that your kids/my kids mean KIDS, not men. You deserve a peaceful life, not some ungrateful grown man sleeping in all day, mouthing off to you, making your life horrible.
    There is no way I'd put up with this man in my house, acting like a spoiled ten year old. None. Nada.