My head understands but my heart hurts!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hope1990, Oct 27, 2007.

  1. hope1990

    hope1990 New Member

    My difficult child was setenced to prison 5 yrs with 30 months suspended. I knew and he somewhat knew this was coming. He broke his probation. Even though I kind of expected this OMG it hurts like @@@@! He went off his medications several months back, I kept after him about it, but of course mom doesn't know anything.

    Now I feel if I would have pushed difficult child and probation officer harder about medications, he maybe would still be on track. PO also didn't help him with budgeting, they could have and should have gotten him into a program to help with that also.

    I know right now this is the best place for him, he is a danger to himself, he has been self-cutting, and now has several burns on his hand, BUt I just can't quit crying. My husband has been no support as he has just ignored everything lately with difficult child and he didn't come with to court. Please pray, I feel so alone, hurt and ashamed.
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    how sad. I can understand the crying. been doing a bit of that lately myself.
    I like your Mother Teresa quote, my nephew calls me Mother teresa all the
    did you know she had great periods of feeling totally alone and unloved by God?? she wrestled with that most of her life.

    you know sometimes I feel alone too. like no one can help or understand. I am not ashamed as much anymore. I dont care what people think of me. You/I did all we could the best we knew how with the best intentions in mind, and with love.

    sometimes it just doesnt go right anyway. Tell your husband to step up to the plate and give you a well deserved hug. I have to say boyfriend doesnt say much when I am upset, but he wraps around me and that helps.

    what is sad is just look at your son's signature line....he needs help in a big way and the courts just lock them up. of course they have to uphold the law, but the jails would be less full if more money was spent on mental health issues. sigh
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry. I know this sounds trite, but don't be ashamed. You did the best you could. Your son and the system failed your son, you didn't. You did everything you could to help him.

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids have their own mindset and need a tremendous of intervention to succeed. If your story is typical, you got little of the help you needed when you first adopted him. It was only after he was totally out of control that services became available.

    Sadly, he had choices, too. He chose to not continue his medications. There was nothing you could do about that choice.

    As you said, for now he is in a safe place. I hope he is lucky enough to be in an institution that will actually try to help him.
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    My son will be going to court next Tuesday. I am hoping he gets the plea bargain of 4 years, serving 2 on good behavior. I hate to say it, but I hope he goes to jail soon before he can do any more damage. While out on bail he is suspected of committing yet another burglary and if they can convict him he will be serving a long sentence under the habitual offender law. We have done all we could, tried to get him help, paid for an apartment for awhile to help him get on his feet, and it was all for naught. I was ashamed for a bit, but then thought I never raised him to be a criminal, he was offered a good education, a great home and two parents who have a committed marriage. He had many opportunities that were denied to others, but he CHOSE to commit crimes. I am resolved we did all we could to prevent him from going down this road. He now refuses to be evaluated and at age 24, we can't make him go if he doesn't want to. He will be in prison for a while and when they find more evidence he will be in for even longer.....right now I'm thinking there are few options for him.

    Hope your son can cope with the prison life, he will probably not receive medications while there, but try to have him sign up for any programs they offer, counseling, church activities, anything to get him out of his cell. If they offer classes try to have him sign up for them.

    Thinking of you and know you are not alone. I never dreamed I would have a child in is NOT your fault.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I have had a child in prison also. He was in under Youthful Offender for 10 - 11 months. I was terrified for him. I turned it over to God because there was nothing else I could do but pray. He did ok. He was taking medicine there. It was not narcotics. He did not take advantage of the classes, GED, counseling he should have. He looked a lot better when he was in. Now he is back in the county jail for contributing to the deliquency of a minor. He is scared again. He is on probation. I have contacted the PO several times and I wonder if I should contact the prosecutor to let them know he needs drug help or mental help or something. I - like you - have done over and above everything we could do - we offered him opportunities, have a stable home, everything - he is 24 also - he has to make the choices - not me.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really wonder what the statistics are for kids who have mental health or emotional problems as middle schoolers and teens and the likelihood of them ending up in jails and prisons. I would bet the chances would be pretty darn high. Sad commentary on our failure rate at reaching these kids in time but I dont honestly know how we could do things any different to be honest. We started trying when mine was 3.

    I just dont know the answers except what we did didnt work.

    Sometimes I think it is more the combo of the innate personality of the person themselves interacting with their own set of life experiences. What might not turn someone else into a CD kid will turn another one that way.
  7. hope1990

    hope1990 New Member

    Thank you for your replies. I am sorry that you all are in similar situations yourself, but it helps to know that someone somewhere understands.

    I agree ant's mom, more attention needs to be directed to those with mental health issues. What is so sad about this is, he has been attending group/ind. therapy every week for several months, and the court says that what he gets on the outside is better then what he'll get inside. Makes me sick. Plus to have to start over with a different counselor when he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) issues.

    Whymemom, I so understand your statement, "I never dreamed I'Learning Disability (LD) have a child in prison"; I keep thinking "This isn't how I thought my life would be."

    I'm happy for my friends and siblings with perfect kids, they are good in school, off to college, getting married, having babies of their own; but, I am envious also, as second child has developemental/physical problems so it has been a different struggle with her. So it is always something with one or the other and put hubby in the mix with chronic deppression and ....I m sorry I better stop as I don't need to sit in my own pity party..

    Life is just hard i guess.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Hope}}} Sending you hugs (all of you wonderful parents who have tried so hard with your difficult child's) that you will come to peace and know that there is not much else you can do except pray, hope for the best, and take care of yourself. I hope I never have to face the day.♥
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Welcome Hope~

    Life is hard. Truer words were never spoken.

    I'm sorry about your son. I'm sorry that it hurts you so much. Just know you are among friends here.

  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I know it is a little late for me to chime in, but I just wanted to send you hugs. I cannot imagine the pain, you must be in. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    life is truly harder than we expected. I have said over and over that this is not the life I wanted!
    hugs to you this very minute.