My heart hurts...

[PatriotsGirl]

Seriously aches when I think of difficult child....I still haven't heard from her since the whole "lie" was brought to light. I did send her a text before the weekend just to say I loved her. She never responded. She posted on her Facebook last night that she is as free as a bird now. What ever that means. I also read a thread on there from last month where she was telling some one that she is homeless. I have to say it got to me.

I have to remind myself that she chose to bring drugs into my house again....but my gosh it hurts so bad.

Doesn't help that I have a doctor's appointment on Friday that I am a tad freaked out about. I have had cancer twice in a very uncomfortable area and the doctor found a spot she wants to remove on Friday. It is a simple office procedure but I have high anxiety as it is. My mind is going simply bananas with all sorts of morbid horrible thoughts.

 

[dashcat]

Be kind to yourself right now. Try to find something to do between now and Friday to keep your brain engaged and away from thoughts about your appointment. I'm so sorry that you have to face this, with everything else.

Worrying about your daughter is normal. As moms, we are hardwired to care for and to shelter our kids. When they make crazy choices and when we choose not to enable those choices, we can't just flip a switch and stop wishing we could protect them.

Many hugs,
Dash

 

[KFld]

I hope everything goes well for you on Friday. I think the rest of this week you should concentrate on you. Maybe you should delete your daughter from your facebook so that you can't see what she is writing. Out of site out of mind can work wonders sometimes. You will be notified if there is something you really need to know. You can actually just hide her if you aren't ready to delete her, so that if you can't stand it and must know, you can always unhide her and see her again. Just a suggestion. Hope it helps

 

[DDD]

I think it is normal for you to be stressing out. The combination of potential dangers is too much. Like Karen, I think it would be wise for you to seek out something new for you. Even daily walks might help a bit. Hugs. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh, I have been doing lots for myself - believe me! Hubby is doing well in sales so I have been splurging on things here and there. Hubby and I re-joined Gold's Gym so we have been working out again, too, and I love that. I ♥ yoga!
Maybe that is why I hurt - maybe I feel guilty because she is out there with nothing and life is really good around here? See, this is what I don't understand. She could have it so much better here if only she would get help and live "normal". She can't be in as bad as a position as I imagine her to be, though. Some one is putting a roof over her head and her dog. Obviously it can't be too bad if she hasn't asked to come home. Not once and she has been gone over a month, now. Maybe she put that she is homeless on Facebook to gain sympathy. That is SO her.
Doing things for myself hasn't helped. It's the way my brain is wired, I guess. Constant guilt. I hate it. Guilt and anxiety.

 

[Nancy]

Please take care of your own well being right now. There is nothing you can do for difficult child at the moment. I know how hard this is, you want to rescue her. I second guess myself all the time about kicking difficult child out but I remind myself what led up to it and it never would have worked if she stayed here. Her behavior was escalating day by day and the drug use was increasing. You did what you had to do. It's now up to her to turn her life around or not. I have to keep reminding myself that she is not suffering nearly as much as I am worrying baout her. I read my difficult child's fb too and she's have a grand old time. It may not be the way we chose to live, but they have much different standards.

I will be thinking of you and praying that your dr visit goes well.

Nancy

 

[KFld]

Maybe that is why I hurt - maybe I feel guilty because she is out there with nothing and life is really good around here? See, this is what I don't understand. She could have it so much better here if only she would get help and live "normal". (

This is what we constantly have to remind ourselves. We are living the way we choose to live, and they are living the way we choose to live. We didn't make them live this way, those chose it and they are the only ones that can choose to do it differently.
This is exactly why I went back to alanon because I want to enjoy the life that I choose to live and learn to accept the life he has chosen.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, PG. Saying prayers that your dr visit goes well.

 

[Bean]

This is what we constantly have to remind ourselves. We are living the way we choose to live, and they are living the way we choose to live. We didn't make them live this way, those chose it and they are the only ones that can choose to do it differently.
This is exactly why I went back to alanon because I want to enjoy the life that I choose to live and learn to accept the life he has chosen.

Thanks, KFld. What PatriotsGirl said there stood out to me, too. It is something I am constantly reminding my daughter of, and something I need to come to terms with, too.

PatriotsGirl, I have many of the same concerns/worries/hurts that you have. Compound that with your own health concerns and I can see why you'd be going bananas. Hang in there dear. Big hugs and hopes for good news on your health.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))) and saying prayers

 

[Nancy]

KFld,

Amen to that! I am going to print that out and put it on my fridge.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Okay, the stories are getting kind of laughable at this point. Today she told me that she is starting school in April at Everest Online College taking Business Applications. I asked how she planned to pay for it and she said financial aid, student loans and Hope (the Hope scholarship - awesome program but they just cut it a lot).

She told me she didn't have to show her GED transcripts and she didn't need to test to get in the program. Is that possible? The last college we tried to get her in, she had to take a COMPASS exam and she didn't score high enough to get in to a degree program.

I just smiled and texted her back that she can do anything she puts her mind to and that I am sure she will do great. But I know this is just yet another lie and I have no idea why she would lie about everything. There is no reason for it. She has still not asked a single thing of us. Nothing.

I do still check the phone usage. I know she never sleeps. Not possible when you are on the phone every minute of the day and night. Who talks that often? I mean yeah, teens are always on the phone - but for long periods, conversations - not a minute here and two minutes there to sooo many different phone numbers. Is that not a sign of a drug dealer?? Why else would she be obviously not hurting for anything? Not uncomfortable? Not asking to come back home??

 

[witzend]

After a long tumultuous period in my life, I began to make headway in the happiness department. I think that at that time in his life, M only knew me as an unhappy PTSD victim. It seemed that the better I felt about myself, the more M acted out against everyone in his life. It was like he was trying to drag me back to my unhappiness. Finally, our family therapist said something to me that made sense.

M didn't want me to be happy, not because of spite or anger or hurtfulness, but because it changed the rules on how he dealt with me. Before he could push buttons and cause anger or panic or anxiety. But as I was leaving the nest I had built for him, he no longer knew how to ask me for things he wanted because pushing buttons weren't working anymore. It was causing a panic in him. As unhappy as we all were, he knew what it was he had to do to get what he wanted. It was up to me to bring him into the happy world, and not allow him to continue to drag me back down into the "old and unimproved" model we had been living.

 

[4timmy]

hugs from me too.... heart goes out. God Bless

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* and hoping the best for your heart and your appointment Friday.
On other questions: Are there online colleges that will take anyone's money? Yup. Are those colleges accredited and worth paying for? Anyone's guess.