my heart may never mend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    I just had an email from my sister. Jess contacted her and she and her husband will be adopting Jess' baby.... :crying: I didn't know what was going on until the email.

    Shirley(my sis) is a great mom but we haven't seen each other in a couple years because she thinks I need to apologize for something that never happened(long story). She's never kept in touch, no photos of my nephew, no xmas/birthday cards...not even for my children.

    But now she is going to raise my grandchild. I am so heartbroken...not sure it will ever mend. I am never going to know my first grandchild....she won't visit. She even said in the email that our parents will be the grandparents, not hubby and me. My girls are confused...they were looking forward to being aunts and spoiling the baby. They had even said they would be okay with it if hubby and I took full custody of the baby....

    I just can't stop crying right now :sad:

    Hubby thinks I need to totally cut her and boyfriend off 100%....

  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Do you think your sister and you as well, might agree to go to a family counselor to work this out? I think too much is at stake here and if intervention would help, I think it would be work well worth the work and expense to make it better. However, if your sister has deep problems and is not willing to try, then your husband might be thinking appropriately. In any case, I would seek advice from a professional therapist or perhaps a spiritual advisor (or both). This sounds like a lot to cope with.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I see 2 issues here. One is that your daughter went behind your back to your sister who you don't talk to and asked them to raise their child. The other issue is, if they do it, you will not see the baby.

    So you are dealing with betrayal AND a loss.

    Both need to be dealt with.

    Do see if your sister will talk to you. maybe it is time to mend fences.

    Find out of this was something to get back at you by your daughter for not agreeing to help them in some way. If so, then your husband is onto something.

    I am so sorry. Hugs.
  4. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    I feel just awful for you. Sending gentle hugs...
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I am so sorry.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so very sorry.

    Is it possible difficult child is STILL playing games? Only this time getting your sis involved, too. Maybe so she can feel "more loved" by having the two of you fighting over her and the baby? A direct hit back at you for not responding to her last bit of drama? Imagine all the attention this is going to focus on her.

    I so can understand you wanting to be in your grandchild's life. But this time maybe, just maybe husband has the right idea. Because this sort of thing could go on til she reaches menopause. I know your heart is breaking right now. But are you willing to put yourself thru this emotional blackmail/mind game nonsense each and everytime Jess gets pregnant?

    If you just can't bare the thought of not knowing your grandchild, then it's time to :censored2: up hard feelings and mend fences with your sister. You'll have to be the bigger person, cuz Lord only knows what Jess has told her.

    But in my honest opinion, after not knowing where my two oldest grandkids are for the past 6 yrs, you just might save yourself alot of agony and pain to back off now.

    Sending many many heartfelt warm (((hugs)))
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Carolanne, I'm sorry for your aching heart.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Carolanne, I don't know the story, but it sounds like your daughter was really doing you a rotten turn. I hurt for your pain. I know how much pain these grown kids can cause us. Hugs and prayers your way.
  9. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Carolanne, I am so sorry for you and sending hugs and prayers your way.
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Carolanne,
    this really does sound like your dtr is manipulating everyone. And who knows what will happen when the baby is actually born? I think husband is probably thinking right. I am so sorry for your aching heart and for your other children who were excited over being aunts. But, you just don't really know how this will all play out. She may make life H--- for your sister. She may decide to keep the baby after all. These difficult children changes their stories and their minds so often you can't keep up. I wouldn't believe anything til I actually saw it.

    I am feeling so bad for you, Carolanne,
  11. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Carolanne, I can't begin to imagine how hard this hurts you, I am so sorry for your pain. ((((BIG HUGS))))

    You said you just had an email from your sister telling you of this plan? Could that mean sis is ready to open the door and mend the rift? Just a glimmer of hope to offer.

    Again, I am so sorry. You are in my heart. I pray perhaps this becomes a blessing for all involved.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{carolanne}}} I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I agree that it sounds like your daughter is manipulating everyone again. The knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less, I know.

    Perhaps a call to your sister just to talk about the contents of the email is in order. After that phone call, you may be in a better position to make a decision about where you want to go from here. By simply shutting down and shutting out daughter and your sis, you may find yourself feeling that some things have been left unresolved.

    As difficult as that phone call may be, I think in the long run, you need to have it in order to know how to move forward. But that's me and how I feel. Only you know how to handle this.

    Seeking some support and someone to talk to, such as a counselor or clergy sounds like a great idea. Sending very warm and gentle hugs.
  13. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    I am so sorry for your hurting heart. :frown: Sending you many gentle hugs.

    Perhaps an email in return reinforcing the fact that you love your difficult child and the baby, and this turn of events was a total shock but that you and husband will love your difficult child and the baby no matter what decision is made. No explanations, no long sad heartbroken email (although I know how hard that will be). :frown:

    I know with my difficult child part of the pleasure he seemed to get was the reaction I would give. When I gave no reaction it was almost like he didn't know what to do. It will also put it right on your difficult child because she will not have the words you may say to take as an excuse for not taking responsibility for her decision. She will not be able to blame you or your husband.

    If this is the decision that your difficult child has made then there really isn't anything that can be done but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that in some small way your sister knows your heart and it may open doors.

    cc: yourself on the email so that you get a copy too.

    I may be way off the wall here, and forgive me if I am, but if this is a manipulation by your difficult child, you can choose not to be manipulated...doesn't mean the pain will go away but it does mean that your difficult child will be left to stand with whatever decision is made and believe difficult child has made some doozies. :bag:

    My heart hurts for your others kds. :frown: Our difficult children leave so many broken hearts in their paths. :frown:

    More gentle hugs...
  14. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Perhaps an email in return reinforcing the fact that you love your difficult child and the baby, and this turn of events was a total shock but that you and husband will love your difficult child and the baby no matter what decision is made. No explanations, no long sad heartbroken email (although I know how hard that will be). :frown:

    cc: yourself on the email so that you get a copy too.

    I may be way off the wall here, and forgive me if I am, but if this is a manipulation by your difficult child, you can choose not to be manipulated...doesn't mean the pain will go away but it does mean that your difficult child will be left to stand with whatever decision is made and believe difficult child has made some doozies. :bag:

    Jo and Coookie have made valid points. (I only know how to quote from one letter at a time. Otherwise, I would have included phrases from Jo's post as well.)


    I especially agree with Coookie's statement that we do not have to allow the manipulations.

    The situation is what it is. If this is some game your difficult child is playing ~ and I absolutely agree that it is ~ you need to learn to refuse the emotional component so you can think clearly.


    You need to learn to refuse to allow the emotional component so that you can think clearly.


    I believe this is a matter of spiritual and emotional survival for you, Carolanne.

    What a horribly traumatic thing to have happened.

    You must have wanted to just throw up when you read that e mail.

    Could there have been a more a cruel, cowardly, disrespectful way for them to tell you this is what the two of them had cooked up?

    What I see here is that, in addition to the pain she is causing by messing up her life generally, your difficult child has done all that she knows to do to shame you before the sister with whom there are problems.

    This is not an accident.

    It cannot be an accident.

    As the birth of this grandchild will be a source of pain for you, I think you need to begin countering the effects now. Make a copy of the e mail. Make a copy of your, as Coookie suggested, very measured response (post it here first, if you need to Carolanne ~ we will give you our imput). Keep these things in a special box, or on a special shelf, along with any journaling you do about the baby. To that, add letters to the baby, little gifts, whatever. If this goes on for years and years, there will still come a day when that baby wants to know her real grandmother.

    Knowing she was always loved, whatever these people may have told her, will be your gift to this baby, and can only make her stronger.

    I did something similar when I was grieving my difficult child. I set a place for him in my bedroom when the holidays rolled around. It was a focus for my grief, and enabled me to get through it. I wrote him letters I never sent, I learned to envision him happy when I knew he was not.

    But I got through it.

    That is where your emphasis needs to be now I think, Carolanne.

    Your daughter has hurt you, badly.

    You will need to take and then, heal from, the hit.

    I am so sorry for your pain.

    It just makes me sick to think your daughter has done this ~ part of it being to use the sister this way, and part of it being that the sister has to be eating this up with a silver spoon.

    The power-hungry little witches.

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I don't see this as hopeless or done unless you choose for it to be.

    Hugs for your pain. But I have to believe that your daughter KNEW exactly what she was doing - whether it's manipulative to hurt you OR whether it's what she considered a compromise so she wouldn't have to see the baby, but could still keep in touch - because she is unable to raise it. Maybe it would have hurt her more if you and hubby raised it. Sort of an in her face reminder of things she can't do presently.

    If the rift between your sister can be healed by someone saying "I am sorry." Then YOU have a choice. You can apologize even when you know you didn't do something wrong, or you can ask your sister if there is anyway you can come to an agreement to agree to disagree because you are missing her life and that of your nephews OR you can do nothing and continue widening the rift and forget her, the nephew and possibly your grandchild.

    As far as Jess giving her baby to your sister - again you have choices.

    Put her out of your lives, and that of your grandchild. Which should be a beautiful fun time, but thanks to GFGdom it is what it is. And it will continue to be what it will be.

    You can tell Jess that her decision hurt you, that you would like to raise the baby and ask why that isn't an option.

    You can ask Jess what prompted her decision to let her Aunt raise the baby and let it go

    You can ask Jess what prompted her decision to let her Aunt raise the baby and offer your home and support, but know there will always be RULES from the difficult child mother (Jess), and that the child could be used as a bartering chip.

    You could tell her to give the baby up for adoption - to strangers or open adoption and be done with it all together.

    While experience tells me that husband has my vote to walk away from the entire thing and save having heartache now and in the future vs. curiosities of what your grandchild is doing - it's the decision that saves your heart the most. He's probably privy to insider family information that we're not as to how YOU his wife and love are treated by your sis and Jess - I think it's his way of saying "EVERYONE has bothered my wife long enough and here's what we're going to do - get on with our lives and dump the drama that makes my wife and me so upset."

    If this is a ploy by Jess, she's using the ultimate bargaining chip to manipulate you - if you don't feed into it and let her do her thing with her life and her baby - I think you'll end up with less heartache in the long run.

    If you buy into this Drama-fest - I think you had better dig deep and find strength that it would take to deal with 10 Jesses. You'll need it.

    Hope you figure out what is best for YOU and husband -
    Sorry for the rest
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have to say, your daughter takes the cake. Last week she wrote to you announcing she might be pregnant and would you take the baby if she gets tired of it. Now your sister is adopting it. It sounds like she's very early in her pregnancy, and maybe not pregnant at all.

    The one thing I hadn't noticed before is in your signature where you say you are a surrogate mom twice and planning your third surrogate child? Maybe I'm reading that wrong. It seems much more likely to me that by the time your daughter's baby comes - if there is a baby at all - she will have it sold to the highest bidder.

    I think that Robby's advice about an e-mail saying that you love your daughter and the grandchild to be is right on. Leave out the drama, because the way it looks, there's six months of your daughter yanking people's chains to go through, and you would do best to not get sucked into making statements that later on may not serve you well.

    Your sister totally stinks and there will be a special place in h377 for her. Right next to my sisters. Your husband may be right, but I'm not certain what type of support you are giving her that you may cut off. I would definitely cut off her boyfriend. I guess I would probably offer dinner at my table if she is hungry, clothing if she needs it, and a warm bed if she can pull her head out of her hoo-haw.

    That seems pretty unrealistic, though. She's a real piece of work and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I may be completely wrong tonight as this hasn't been one of my
    better days...but...I tend to think that you, husband and your two
    girls should have a family conference and discuss all aspects of
    this. Your girls are old enough to have their feelings addressed
    and your husband probably will analyze more kindly with the girls at
    the table with you. Perhaps you could make a list of all the
    possible options and discuss them.

    The possession of the baby (or guaranteed contact) is not the issue that I see as most important. The unity of the four of you
    and respect for each others feelings in my humble opinion should be paramount.
    I am truly sorry for your pain and hope that sadness will lessen
    as "your family unit" decides whether to be victims of difficult child or
    healthy people looking toward a bright future. Hugs. DDD
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I've held off on responding to this simply because my views tend to be jaded. Your daughter, and maybe your sis, seem to be trying to get the best of you. Susie said it right...they are looking for a reaction. If you give the pleasant response, which is REALLY hard to do, they will be amazed, and not sure what to do. They are expecting a fight. If not, it may be time to take legal matters into your hand.

    Legal meaning that you may not raise this child, but you should have rights to visit at least.

    difficult child's go wherever they can have someone support their lifestyle. Well, that works for awhile, and even those who invite them grow weary of it quite quickly. They have heard a one-sided story of it for they're experiencing it. Your sis might be knocking on your door sooner than you think. :smile:

    I wish I had better advice.


    My heart is with you.

  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    On another note, being called a name, such as mom, dad, grandma, etc., to me is purely a namesake. The child may not call you grandma for years, but will ultimately know the difference as they age.

    I've raised easy child son since he was 4. His bio-mom encouraged him to call me mom. I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but always knew he would know who mom was. And...he does. He loves her dearly, but also sees me as being mom. He says he's lucky to have two moms. He didn't see it for years (difficult child interferred in that realm), but it all came around.

    Kids are curious and most often will find the truth.

  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    And.....on the lighter side.....

    If it is difficult child's kid, raised by a difficult child sister - would you really WANT contact with another potential difficult child child?

    (ducking ugly stares of daggers)

    I guess after reading Witz, D3, and Abbey's replies - maybe the most shocking statement would be "OKAY THAT IS GREAT NEWS."

    I just really have no more advice for your situation. But I have an adopted 24 year old daughter with 2 children from 2 different fathers and what a piece of work. I don't hear from her much and I'm greatful for that. I held her 1st born at 11 inches and under 2 lbs. I had grandma fever, did the first birthday party and then the difficult child mom thing kicked in - and I had Dude - so she just went off and did her own thing - and now both girls are mean, rude, abusive to animals, not bright- and while it's sad. She made her decision, with HER children, and I detached completely from her so I'm not involved anymore at all -

    When I do hear them in the background on the few phone calls I do get from her - to tell me SHE is getting a new doublewide, SHE is driving a nicer car than mine, SHE is going shopping with the money the state gives her for having two preemies - I just say "That's nice dear." If I had been involved in her life 1 on 1 - I believe I would be dead. Instead I chose to live my life and let her and her kids live theirs.

    DF's daughter is also a poo - she never called us until the child was 3. He sent presents for all at Christmas and a WOB of cash for her birthday and he never even got a phone call - nothing. NOt a letter, not a thank you - nothing. So at 52 he's decided it's done. I'm glad - it's been a swell ride - I'm ready for it to be just him and me and let everyone have their own problems.