My husband and I are Detaching

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mechdonna2, Jul 15, 2013.

  1. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    You may remember my situation. My only child, 36 years old, was living in FL. He called last October, since his girlfriend left him. She has supported him off and on for years.

    In March they both came to my house. I found out that they are addicted to spice and are both alcoholics. They also smoke pot. girlfriend has found a job, but she still uses drug. She is a medical assistant. She will probably lose her job any day now.

    They are in the home of my friend until August 31.

    On Friday and Saturday nights, they do drugs as soon as girlfriend is home from work until 7:00 am.

    I have notified difficult child that we have no relationship until he has been in recovery for quite some time. I don't expect that will ever happen, but I am a Christian. We are taught to hope.

    I have always heard that the most difficult substance abuse cases are the results of starting the abuse at a young age. My difficult child began drinking at 12 years of age. I did not know about the drinking until he was 15 years old. He may be lying about starting so young, I don't know.

    I am thinking that he did damage to his brain by starting that young.

    The only time he stopped drinking was during the six and 1/2 years he was in juvenile prison.

    I have heard of people recovering, even when they started very young. I assume it is more difficult. Of course, this is beside the point right now, he has no intention of quitting.

    My husband and I are going to continue to detach even when they are on the streets again. I doubt they will be able to find a place to live. difficult child has no income and his girlfriend only makes $14 an hour.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I feel for you and I"m sorry.

    I don't know if my story has any relevance to yours because my daughter quit at a young age, but she was 12 when she started. It blew my mind when she told me this which was not until she was clean. It happens at 12 now. Started with pot and booze and escalated all the way to meth and heroin (at least she TRIED heroin...I always thought if you did heroin once, you were addicted forever. Apparently not). She moved out of state at nineteen and pretty much quit everything, even cigarettes, on her own. She is now 29 and once in a while she will drink, but still doesn't even smoke cigarettes, is into natural remedies, and is living a productive life with her SO of many years.

    There is always hope, when there is life. The real factor in kicking drugs is desire to do so because it isn't easy and you still crave the drug (have had long talks with my daughter). Now Daughter has a really strong inner core and a stubbornness to do what she needs to do in all areas of life. I'm sure that helped her. But, as told, she was on some seriously dangerous stuff. She looked like a skeleton. I thought she was going to end up in jail or dead.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I am glad you are preparing now for the time difficult child will be homeless, Mechdonna. It's never easy when our children (however old they are) are in danger. As you have learned, and I have too ~ what they want from us is the means to go on doing what they do, not the means to recover from what they choose to do.

    It is very hard.

  4. Mechdonna - You have let your son know that you will support him in his sobriety but not in this destructive mode that he is in. He knows you love him and want the best for him. And he is 36 years old. Not a child. It is good and healthy for you to detach from this situation and let your difficult child make his decisions.

    Hold on to that hope and keep the prayers going for him. Hugs and prayers for you from my neck of the woods as well.
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Sadly, we walk in the same shoes. It feels unnatural and is not easy at first, but once you step back from the drama you will begin to see thing much more clearly. I thought I was no longer enabling my son until he went no contact and I took a really close look at my behavior.

    Although I have some sadness that my son may continue his path for the rest of his days, the stress from the conns and drama was really effecting my health. We have reached a point in our lives that more has passed than is left and I focus on the positive and I am letting the negatives drift from my life.

    I never stop hoping, but I don't dwell on it and I don't hold my breath.

    (((blessings and peace for you and yours)))
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As others have said Mechonna, it is up to them to want to recover, in the absence of that, there is little we can do. Detaching is quite difficult, I hope you have some form of support for you and husband. Once your son and his girlfriend are on the streets, detaching gets a little dicey............that's where a lot of support for us comes in handy. My heart goes out to you, hang in there............hugs.........
  7. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Update: difficult child and his girlfriend have to be out of my friend's house by this weekend. difficult child is trying to manipulate so that they can stay. My friend is staying firm, since they are using drugs in her garage. I will keep you posted about what happens. I am hoping they will leave peacefully, but since they are using spice, it is hard to predict their behavior.
  8. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    difficult child and his girlfriend are refusing to leave my friend's home. My friend asked for a Emergency Protection Order since my difficult child threatened to hit her. Two deputies went by her house today and served my difficult child with the Order, but they did not remove them from the home. They said my friend has to go through the courts and get an eviction. They said it could take up to 60 days. When we told them they were using drugs, it made no difference.

    I feel that I need to get an attorney to speed up the process. Of course, the attorney will represent my friend, but she cannot pay for it. I feel that she should not have to live with their doing drugs in her home.

    I lost my temper and screamed ugly things at my difficult child through the door. I feel that my friend has been mistreated. She told them they could stay a few weeks until they found a place. They have been being drugs and alcohol, staying up all night partying, and they are telling her they won't leave until they are ready.

    I feel bad about losing my temper. I am supposed to love my son, but I don't like him, and I let him know it.
  9. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm sorry, Mechdonna. How awful for both you and your friend.

    You should not feel bad about losing your temper. What your son has done this time is take advantage of someone who only took him in for your sake. Though you may not have approved of your friend having taken him in, it was your integrity on the line here, too, when your son chose drugs/alcohol/partying.

    I would be enraged, too.

  10. Mechdonna - that is awful. I'm so sorry that your son is doing this to your friend. All she wanted to do is help and now she is paying the price. I know you didn't want her to take them in but she is still your friend and I'm sure you must feel terrible that he is doing this.

    Just remember it is his choice and he owns his actions, not you. I think it is very good of you to try and hire a lawyer to help her evict him from her home. It is probably a good idea because if you make one mistake on the eviction forms sometimes you have to start all over again.

    *Thinking of you and your friend.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would tell your friend to call the police every time she knows they are in the garage using drugs. If the police can catch them even with paraphernalia then they can take them to jail and she should be able to get them out easier. Did your friend actually press charges for your son threatening her? I think she should whenever he does this. Im gonna ask my son about ways to get him out easier. He works in law enforcement in your state.
  12. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Thanks so much for your help. That is a good idea. The only problem is that the neighbors are already so upset with her for the police showing up so often. She used to have an alcoholic boyfriend that would get abusive at times.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez, Mechdonna, that is bad news, I'm sorry your son and his girlfriend are doing this to your friend. I would feel bad too. My difficult child has stayed with people who didn't want her for YEARS, I find it remarkable. They find people who will put up with their behaviors, like your friend, whom you said had an abusive boyfriend so she likely has codependency and self esteem issues making her prey for predators and manipulators. I am sorry. Get as much information as you can about eviction and restraining orders and pressing charges as everyone has mentioned to you, dot all the i's and cross all the t's, eventually the system will work and they will be gone. Sigh. In the meantime, you and your friend take good care of yourselves...............
  14. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I have nothing really of help to add MD, only that I know this is very stressful and you are in my prayers. For me, letting go for my own health was the best. My BiPolar (BP) went to 190/127 and my doctor was ready to send me to the hospital.

    It is amazing with these children. My difficult child had been living with girlie at the mother's home. He, hid this from me for a very long time for whatever reason. When he did tell me, his version was he mowed the grass, repaired the autos, etc, and the mother and he were good friends.

    Then the fights and the mother and girlie took all of his belongings and put them by the curb in the rain. Most was stolen. After girlies was arrested the mother called male family members to physically put him out of the home. He called me and once more I helped him start over. Lasted about a month, and I am very sure he is back with girlie now.

    So why in the world would the mother let him come back after all of the problems they caused??? The one time I have ever spoken with the mother she told me she found something like a bong and she knew they were doing drugs at her house. She works for the police dept!!!

    I just scratch my head at his situations! The one thing it did for me was to finally make me step back and stop making excuses. I finally understood the extent of my well meaning helping (enabling). If they truly want to change and have a better life there are services to help them. From what I have experienced they are too comfortable with family and some friends and slip into their manipulative ways, get comfortable, and aren't leaving. We don't have the experience and knowledge, in my opinion, that is needed to deal with them. They have had to may years to hone their ways and they have become experts at manipulation. We're just easy prey!

    RD, as difficult as it is, and as hard as it is to understand the situation, look after yourself first. The no contact at first was stressful for me, especially on his birthday and Christmas. His last birthday, not so much. They are adults!!! I never in a million years would have believed it, if someone had told me when he was born, what life would be with him.

    It is a process, as RE has told us, but it is worth the initial pain to finally reach a point of peace.
    (((hugs and blessings for us all)))
  15. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    My friend and I are going to court today to get a Protective Order so that the deputies may remove difficult child and his girlfriend from my friend's home. I met with an investigator in the Sheriff's office and asked him to explain why we have been getting different answers from the deputies. Some say the PO is enough to get them removed and others say we have to go through the usual landlord/tenant eviction process. That process can take 30 - 60 days they say. My friend cannot live like that. My son has threatened to hit her.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending good thoughts that today you receive the legal and appropriate response which removes your son and his girlfriend from your friend's home, immediately.
  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Adding my thoughts for a speedy resolution to Recovering's.

    Your friend must be very kind. It sounds like this hasn't damaged the friendship? I am happy for you, about that.

    It's just so darned hard to know what to do, what to allow, how to tell someone they cannot try to help our difficult children.

    Keeping you in my thoughts, this morning.

  18. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Sorry you are going through this. It only hurts those of us who have kind hearts and these manipulators know we are good targets-it doesn't bother them at all!!
  19. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Thank you for your kind thoughts. My difficult child is drinking huge amounts of beer, taking prescription pain killers, and smoking spice and pot. His girlfriend is doing some of the same and trying to hold down a job. I don't expect she will keep the job for long.

    I went to court with my friend yesterday to extend the Emergency Protective Order to 15 days. My friend had to take time off from work, but she has been understanding about everything. The judge was probably surprised that difficult child and his girlfriend were still in my friend's house. Last night the deputy removed my difficult child (the order is against him) from my friend's home, and the girlfriend drove him. My difficult child has not been driving. I suspect he has no license, but I don't know.

    I believe the worse is over, as far as my friend's safety goes. I don't know what difficult child and his girlfriend are doing about shelter. His girlfriend got paid last Friday and my friend took no money from them for rent. It is not my problem, until my son goes into recovery. He is 36 years old and has never once asked for help with his drug and alcohol problems.

    My friend is continuing the eviction process. It is best that she cover all the bases, just in case.
  20. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Update -
    difficult child and his girlfriend are back in my friend's home. The deputies say they can stay there as long as there is no contact.

    I feel that I should hire a lawyer to get him out of the home. The deputies and magistrates are giving us different answers about how to remove them from the home. They have been given a 30-day notice dated August 6, 2013. It is hard to believe that they are allowed to stay in the home. It could take 30 to 60 days before they are forced to leave.