My husband just doesn't get it

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Merry Christmas All and thank you for being here. Last night I called the police on my husband. He went after difficult child and I had had enough. He cannot tolerate the defiance and disrespect from difficult child and said he's trying to protect me. Don't do me any favors. For some reason difficult child has had a VERY hard time WAITING for his presents this year.Every day and night melting down over wanting to open one. Last nighti finally said he could open a little one but that's not enough...he wanted a big one. I said no. When he started hitting my foot, I told him it was unacceptable and I went in another room and shut the door. Out comes husband running down the hall and screaming like a maniac at difficult child to leave me alone. When he started hitting difficult child, that was it for me. I get all difficult child anger because he trusts me not to hurt him. I don't know what to do but I have had it. If I deal with it, anybody should be able to.

 

[TeDo]

I am so sorry. What a way to start the holidays. You've learned how to deal with difficult child's "stuff" and that's not an easy thing to do. difficult child 1 has been better about opening presents this year. Was difficult child expecting something specific that would have been a big gift? That's what usually gets in the way here. He's expecting something in particular and knows about how big it is so that's the present he wants to open but doesn't want to come right out and ask to open THAT one. It sounds like you and husband need to see a counselor about the whole difficult child thing. Maybe they could get through to him??? That's one of the things I like about being a single parent.....about the only thing.

 

[Huff]

Stressed
I can't judge your husband it is wrong to hit a child anytime. But I know how things can get being a stepdad and going through countless events like you describe. I do understand the stress levels you both endure. As I look back over the years I am amazed that I did not snap and cross that line. If he will seek help support him. And if not then a new plan will be in order. From what I have learned from people here is the simple thing that I think all of us forget to do is put yourself first .

 

[BusynMember]

I am going to assume you know who 36 is. If you don't, let's just say he was never a joy to have around and when I first got married he used to bait my husband (who is really a good guy and tried very hard to be a good male figure to the kids). 36 would swear at me, disrespect me and then when husband would call him on it, he'd say, "Shut up. You can't do anything. You're not my father."

Well, one time he went after him and I got in between. I thought he was going to choke difficult child. That is the only time I have seen any sort of violence in husband and we have been married for seventeen years.

I didn't call the police because he apologized (which must have killed him) and promised he'd never do it again (he has not). Looking back, I wonder how I never went after 36 myself. I guess since nobody ever spanked me, it wasn't my instinct to go after my kids physically no matter how obnoxious they got.

I'm glad I didn't allow 36 to get in the way of our relationship. He was already seventeen years old and I wouldn't give 36 that power. I'm really glad too as husband is Husband of the Century. He is a very wonderful man.

However, for a fact...if husband would have gone after 36 again, it probably would have ended up with me calling the cops and eventually our marriage ending. So...no criticism from me.

husband has to realize he has no right to hit these kids, no matter what. He isn't a parent. I'm sorry this has happened especially right around Christmas.

 

[Wiped Out]

Sending the gentlest of hugs your way. I'm so sorry; I know this is not how you would choose to celebrate your holiday. I wish I had a magic wand to make your holidays a better one.

 

[pasajes4]

HUGS. Most men would have a hard time standing by and watching their wife getting abused by a child. I am no way excusing his behavior, but this has got to be a difficult situation for him as well.

 

[Confused]

I am so sorry as well. I just want to give my prayers and hugs and am sorry your week has been bad. Hopefully with counseling things will look up and will keep you in my thoughts. I am not in the same situation but understand that some people can handle more than others. Hopefully things are better today.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm not sure how I gave the impression that husband is difficult child's stepdad. He is his biological father. husband is a great guy in many ways. We have never had a wonderful marriage but difficult child's issues have really strained it more. We have two grown children who we never had more than the typical problems with. It's not so much that he hit difficult child. Honestly, I've done that myself more than once. I'm talking about a slap. I always regretted it, as does husband but living with a defiant oppositional child is unbearably stressful, whether they can control it or not. However, husband has an anger problem and can go from 0-100 in a second so that difficult child never really knows when he will explode. The night this happened, I was handling difficult child and husband came flying into difficult child room without warning. Only when I tried to get him away from difficult child and couldn't did I call police. This happens frequently and three years ago we separated over it. It's nobody's FAULT but has to take responsibility. He's the adult.

 

[pasajes4]

Perhaps I missed it. Did the police take any actions? Will There be legal issues for your husband? How did the incident impact the child? How are you holding up?

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

The police took no action. Spoke to both of us separately and then told us we gave two totally different stories. husband painted a picture of trying to protect me. I was in NO danger. Anyway, after they left I realized that they never asked to see difficult child, which I find really odd. No repercussions legally. They just made sure husband agreed not to touch difficult child per my request and mentioned perhaps he go for anger management therapy. difficult child has a new therapist who definitely wants to see husband. Maybe it will help. Right now I just feel very frustrated. Between difficult child's constant demands and outbursts and husband always reacting to him, I feel like I'm always needing to get involved and I'm exhausted...

 

[pasajes4]

I can imagine your frustration. I send you many hugs. I was in a relationship when my son was first diagnosed. The tension and stress that we were experiencing as the relationship was falling apart on top of my son's issues just caused kiddo to come unglued over the smallest things.