My kids' stepmom says she hates them.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    So my kids spent yet another weekend at their dad's and it didn't go very well. Both kids were texting me Saturday night to be picked up early. I had plans so I said no. When I finally picked them up on Sunday afternoon I asked them what the deal was. What happened that was so bad that they wanted to go home early? easy child said it was boring. difficult child 1 said that her stepmom was on her case the whole weekend. Complaining about her attitude, etc. Then difficult child said she was told to go in the other room so her dad and stepmom could have a talk. They were talking loudly difficult child heard it all. Her stepmom was complaining to dad about them. As the talking escalated, she then screamed out, "I hate your kids, J, I really do hate them." difficult child already can't stand the woman, and now this just made it worse. difficult child then reminded me that she now has another thing to hold over her dad's head should he try and win custody. So now what should I do? Should I say something to ex about what the stepmonster said about my kids? Or just leave it alone? I am very upset right now. My kids may be difficult children and have their issues, but for the most part they are well behaved there (except for the occasional typical teen attitude) and I think what stepmom said, within earshot, was deplorable. There's just no damn reason for her outburst. I am beyond mad right now. So do I say something or keep quiet to keep the peace?
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First, is this the kind of thing difficult child would make up or lie about? If she would, do you think she is? Just because she might do it does not mean she did do it, Know what I mean?? So you have to think about that.

    Second, do you have peace now with the stuff your ex does? If not, then why worry about it now? It isn't going to happen anyway.

    Third, this is AWESOME ammunition to have. next time he says he wants custody, ask him how that is supposed to happen when his wife has openly said she hates the kids? Is he actually willing to make them live with someone who hates them, and is he willing to have her leave him because he made the kids live with them? Also ask him how he intends to handle having them live with him when he cannot even handle visitation on the set schedule? He tends to want to skip visits or shorten them and he thinks he can handle custody? get real.

    I honestly think he is threatening to sue for custody in order to control you. not the kids. YOU. He clearly will have very little good going on if the kids live with them. Life as he enjoys it will be OVER if he takes custody. there is zero chance that stepmom will change her opinions if she spends every day with the kids. No way she can handle that, esp with a difficult child. I would almost love to see him try. Esp the shower issue and school issues.

    Exactly what will happen if you tell him about this? That her feelngs will change? that her behavior or his will change? That he will find a way to blame it on you? I am willing to bet he would go on full attack mode and blame this ALL on you because of course someone who isn't there did it all. Heck, given his attitude in the past, he would blame the weather on you if he was asked about it.

    Please don't let him continue to manipulate you with custody/cps threats. Keep careful records fo things like this, dates of when he refused visitation or to pick up or drop off as decreed by the court. Of awful things he and his wife say/do, etc.... Rehearse some thngs to say when he threatens, like "How do you think you could handle full custody with a wife who hates the kids/when you cannot even follow a visitation schedule/cannot attend a parent conference or school play/handle the dr appts?? and other things. Write some of these down and keep them with you to refer to when he calls you.

    Or, call his bluff. Let hm take difficult child since he says he can make her shower, go to school, do what he wants. let him experience the reality of life with a difficult child and a wife who actively HATES her. I am very very sure he would either bring difficult child back asap or have his wife leave, or both. It truly seems that he doesn't truly want the kids, he wants the freedom of no kids and the illusion that he is a responsible parent/family man at the same time. He also very very very much wants CONTROL, especially control of YOU. That is what his threats are about, not about love for his kids.
     
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    difficult child isn't a liar. That's one good thing I have to say about her. I have never had a problem with her lying. I know for a fact she is telling the truth.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    In that case, you "hold your hand".
    There is nothing to gain at this point in confronting X.
    But... the power of THAT as ammo against him gaining custody is huge.
    You're developing quite a store of ammo, come to think of it... which means, you are not going to have to put up with his koi. But. You need to save it up, for when you need legal backing.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    IC is totally right.

    I never meant to say that difficult child is a liar. Some of our kids lie a lot, but others don't. So knowing that she doesn't lie, this is POWERFUL ammo. esp if you have it in a log with the date, time, any circumstances you can get out of difficult child.

    Save it until needed or you are just sick of his threats and you take legal action to make him shut up.
     
  6. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well guess what? He found out difficult child is missing school. I have no idea how he found out but he did. I talked to her case carrier and she denies calling him. Case carrier says she got a random phone call from him concerning our daughter's attendance. Case carrier does not know how he found out. Someone had to have called him. Ex doesn't even know what school difficult child goes to so someone had to have called. It doesn't matter how he knows at this point. The fact is that he knows. He even called difficult child at school today. Her teacher made her hang up with him because like a the dumb *** that he is, he called her during class time. He told difficult child to call him right away after school. So he found out and now I'm paranoid. Yes I have some ammunition agains him, but he has plenty against me. I got the kids taken away from me four years ago plus I'm bipolar and on medications. Now difficult child won't go to school. He could easily win custody. Now I'm real scared. I have an IEP on Friday to discuss difficult child's attendance and the possible placement of a new school. Her dad was invited by case carrier to attend. I don't know if he will or not. Point is, now he has a lot more to use against me in court. I don't know what I will do if I lose my kids. They are all I have. Prayers and good thoughts needed.
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm going to play devil's advocate here. (I'm not taking sides, just giving you another way to look at this)

    You and ex have a volatile relationship. Ex has threatened to sue for custody. Ex is married to a woman the kids don't like. Ex, we also know makes excuses to not see the kids ect.

    This is enough fuel for any child, difficult child or easy child, to lie (or exaggerate) for a wide variety of reasons. 1. Mad at dad (could be a long list of reasons there alone) 2. Mad at step mom (same thing, many may not even be personal 3. Mad and fed up with the whole situation. I could actually go on, but I think you get the idea. Doesn't matter whether the child is prone to lying or not. Kids often don't have adequate communication tools to voice their opinions and feelings and they tend to do it in other ways.

    I'm not saying step mom is a gem. I don't know that she is or isn't. If she said that it was over the line.......but even in your description of what happened it sounds as if it was said in anger. And we all know people tend to say things they don't really mean in anger.

    Having been there done that with the teen years, I'd say you've gotten a major watered down version, or at the least slanted toward a teen's point of view......which we know doesn't always mesh with reality, even with a easy child. Sounds to me like something triggered that outburst. Could be the kids. Could be your ex........attitude with his kids whatever......could be a combination.

    I don't know how many times during the teen years where I've clearly stated I've hated something one of my kids have done and they've sworn for months that I said I hated them. Used to irk me no end, but that can be part of the typical teen drama. And not a pleasant part.

    I'd sit on it and do nothing. The kids are entitled to form their own opinions about step mom, either good or bad. It can be brought up at any future custody hearing, but I doubt it will make much difference as it's here say. (child's word against an adults) But if your state is one that allows the child to choose whom they live with after a certain age, well then dear ol' ex is digging himself a hole.

    I'd be upset it was said where my kids could hear it, no one wants their kids to have to listen to that. But maybe I had too many step parents growing up.....those whom I got along with, those I adored, and those I hated the very sight of, to get very worked up about such things. Somehow it seemed those we hated never lasted very long, if you get my meaning. lol
     
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Their stepmom has said abusive stuff to them before and I know for a fact my daughter isn't lying. She's not. She tells the truth to a fault. I know you all don't know her so you don't know what I'm talking about. She said she hated them, those words exactly.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2012
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    So I had something in writing, I'd email ex and explain what the kids overheard and you feel it's inappropriate and damaging to them.

    "Evidence" goes a lot further in court than he said/she said. Just my $0.02.
     
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I don't believe for a second he wants the kids. He just wants to torture you. If he wanted them he would have gone for it long ago. Just keep your evidence and ignore him as much as possible.
     
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    My first reaction is, you need a lawyer - what is that case carrier up to? what are your rights?

    Second reaction? Chances are, he will NOT show up. If he doesnt' show up... he just killed ANY chance he has of claiming custody. If he doesn't care enough to BE THERE and "make changes happen"... then he has nothing to stand on in claiming that you are not an appropriate parent. This may, in fact, play right into your hand.
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    DOCUMENT that the case carrier told him about the meeting. Send case carrier an email saying "to recap our conversation, you received a call from ex asking about difficult child's attendance. You told him the IEP meeting was at x date and Y time." Send a copy to yourself also.

    Save that email in a file labelled something like "custody stuff" and also in "IEP stuff". When it comes to time for custody matters in court, make sure you have a copy and your atty knows of this ahead of time and has a copy. NEVER send ex a copy.

    If ex wants custody, he needs to stop only doing visitation when it is convenient. If the court says he picks up and drops off, then he needs to do those things, not try to browbeat you into these things.

    Your ex does NOT NOT NOT want the kids. He wants to control you and keep you upset because that feeds his ego, makes him think how great and powerful he is because he has you quaking at his demands. IF he takes custody, it won't last long. I think most states allow a child at either 12 or 14 to choose which parent to live with, as long as there is nothing grievously wrong with ehter parent. The child pretty much gets to choose,a nd to have a say in when visitation happens, or if it happens at all. I know my bro and parents are biding their time until niece is old enough to make some decisions, because here unless there is actual abuse, not just neglect, the only custody option is shared parenting which is 50/50. NOTHING else is an option. Heck, exsil take niece to school 1-3 hrs late and picks her up 1-3 hrs early because it isn't 'convenient' to wait through the line to get kids after school. Niece HATES this, loves school, and the court? Could not give less of a hoot. Even with documentation of this, and that niece NEVER has appropriate clothes or shoes or lunch if mom takes her, but on days that Dad or gma do? She has them all. Wth all of that? They still could not get a judge to even set a court date.

    As long as you can get something from the doctor saying you are on the right medications, doing all he expects, being bipolar should NOT be a factor. School may be. I know you don't watn to hear this, but maybe going to ehr dads for a few weeks would change some things. She would see that she doesn't like it enough to stop being so hard on you if you allow her to come back. Ex would see that it is VERY hard to get her to go to school. Sure, for a week or two it would go smoothly, but then the honeymoon will end and he will stop wanting her around. That would give you a LOT of ammo in a custody hearing. "I tried, your honor. He wanted to see if he could help the school issues, but after a few weeks/a month, she still wouldn't go and he became abusive, screaming at her and threatening to hurt her. That didn't work, and made things worse,a nd now she has a panic attack if she thinks she is going to see him or have to go stay at his home."

    THAT? WOuld settle this for good, most likely.

    Mostly though, you NEED to figure out how to stop letting this man bully you. The kids are seeing his methods work, and are using them with you also. Kids don't want to live with him? Fine. They can do what they need to do, incl going to school and bathing daily. I would start using that to see if it would help get difficult child to school and clean.
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think there is something completely else going on here. You have told us time and again how ex doesnt see the kids and never comes through on visitation but yet he just had them two weeks in a row. Does that happen often or was that for a reason one of you needed to make a change to the normal order? I am assuming your order is every other weekend and certain holidays that are split.

    Like Hound Dog has said, kids will hear what they want to hear. I am not saying she is lying but if ex and step-mom were arguing what she said could have very well have come out in a way that was not meant in the way that the kids were taking it. I have said I hate my kids all the time but it is more the behavior I am talking about and not the actual child. I have no idea how long these people have been married but she obviously married into a ready made family with kids with issues. I doubt she was ready for what she signed up for. Who really is ready for a man with a difficult ex and two problem children. Top that off with paying what probably seems to her they are paying a ton of child support, well she probably feels somewhat resentful. Especially if the kids come over and act like they want to be anywhere but there.

    I think your ex should be at all the meetings with the school. I would think he would have joint medical and educational rights. He should be in all those decisions so he cant say you are keeping him out of the loop and that way if he thinks he has any wonderful ideas to try, you can try them and if they dont work, he will be the one who suggested them and find out just how hard things are. He should also be there to go with your daughter to her psychiatrist and therapy appointments or explain why not. At least he was invited. You cant force him. His choice.

    This sort of takes the wind out of his sails. Your kids see that your are working with their father and it takes the fighting out of it. It makes them feel much more secure. Right now they feel like at anytime they can be yanked from place to place and that simply isnt fun or good for anyone.
     
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Maybe I am getting mixed up, can you remind me? I thought he never had any custodial rights and you just allowed visitation? Or is there an order?
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he has any visitation then he must have joint custody but she is primary. It is very rare for a father to have nothing at all. Most have joint but with one or the other having primary physical. Cory is the one who we havent established a custody order yet. Im sure there are a few others on the board but if she is divorced, I would be extremely surprised if custody wasnt established when a child support order wasnt put into place.
     
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It is very easy to "mishear" a conversation that you are overhearing and not party to. For example Step could have said "I hate Mary's (fill in the blank "hairstyle" "withdrawn behavior")" AND if you were Mary you might only hear "I hate Mary" before you went into shock or shutdown or removed yourself from the area. Steps are human and therefore might say or do inappropriate things but truthfully I've known a bunch of steps who disliked their stepchildren but I have never known one who would say aloud "I hate Jimmy." That's not the way you keep on an even keel with your husband, lol.

    I also suggest that you not react when the kids repeat stories after their visits. If you do react at all do so with a simple "oh my" or "really" or "how did that make you feel" but not judgements. They need to learn to roll with the blows of life. Not everyone is going to think they are bubble gum. It develops character to accept that nobody has to love you as you are. They are old enough to learn that their choices in behavior, appearance etc. belong to them. If they get negative feedback then they can decide what, if anything, they feel it is worth and act accordingly. DDD
     
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thats true DDD. One day as I was driving Keyana home from one of her pageants she regaled me with a lovely story about how the last weekend she was made to sleep outside the entire weekend on the patio because her brother locked her out of the house in the middle of the night and how mean her other grandmother was to her. I just did a whole lot of hmming and saying is that so? I didnt believe her for a minute. I imagine she was mad at her brother and wanted to stay longer with us and was trying to figure a way to get us to keep her. Who knows.
     
  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    To answer some questions, I have full physical custody. We were never married, if that makes any difference. Dad is court ordered to see them every other weekend. NO holidays. He has never taken them on any holidays, not ever. Doesn't want to. Why did he take them two weeks in a row, you may ask? He cancelled visits for a whole month. So he made up for it. Child support bases how much they pay me based on how much he sees them. He does not want to pay extra. Him not seeing the kids on any holidays works against him. I get more money because of it and it's worth it to him. He doesn't see take them any extra time during the summer either. Again, I get more money because of this. I don't know why I'm not believed when I say stepmom says she hates my kids. My daughter heard it loud and clear. "I hate your kids, J. I hate them." She screamed it loudly. This woman also bad mouths me in front of my kids. I get called a :censored2:, dumb, stupid, and a bad parent. I know this for a fact. How do I know? Cause I confronted ex on it. He admitted to me that she says these things about me right in front of my kids. He told me he would have a "talk" with her about it and tell her to stop doing it. She continues. He never had that talk with her cause he's afraid of her. Or she doesn't care. She also intercepted one of his texts awhile ago and told me I was a :censored2::censored2:, the worst mom she's ever seen, and lots of other "nice" things. For no reason. All I was doing was texting him to ask him what time he was picking up the kids. I did absolutely nothing to provoke it. She has been a thorn in my side for seven years now. And he allows it. I am far from the "difficult ex" I'm being accused of being. I bend over backwards to give them what they want just to keep the peace. Far from difficult. So there ya go. That's my kids' dad and evil stepmom in a nutshell. I don't really care if I'm believed or not because I know the truth and that's all that matters.
     
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I believe you. I think we just share from our experience, and it is true that kids can try to manipulate things or even just misunderstand things (not even difficult child-like, just because it is what some kids do)....so I think people are just trying to give some perspective just in case. You live it though. We don't have all the details.

    I do remember your saying other things long ago and I thought you said you had always had custody. Now it makes sense. I feel even stronger that his pattern of poor contact with them makes it clear that his threats are purely to manipulate you. Call his bluff if you feel brave enough. Next time he says that, say, do what you feel you need to do. (dont say anything about how hard it will be or anything because I could see them turning that on you saying that you said they were too hard).

    I bet it would go no where.

    There are other parents here who have nightmare step parent stories, and some here who have nice working relationships, some who just have to tolerate things, etc. As always, there is a range.

    I think the point that your girls probably are stuck dealing with some of it is valid. They will meet jerks in their life times. Knowing that this is about step mom and not them is important. Kids naturally take responsibility and think they cause all of the issues in the world. I wonder if the idea that if it doesn't bother you, then it wont bother them so much is a good start? They can learn how to cope with someone who is that clueless from how you handle it. (of course inside you are going to feel P***ED. I would too.) Not sure if that is doable, but I thought it was an interesting point.
     
  20. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Yes my son and daughter have valid reasons not to like her. Especially my son. It really bothers him knowing his stepmom hates me. Thank you for backing me up on that.
     
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